Deafness and BDSM

[serijules]

Oh, and as an ASL interpreter, I really should have thought to post this sooner.

I've never had the opportunity to talk with my deaf friends about it (and certainly wouldn't bring it up with a client!), but I'm curious about the use of blindfolds when one partner is deaf. There's no reason not to engage in BDSM (it does make things a little harder, i.e. tying someone up is effectively the same as immobilizing and gagging them), but I wonder what would go through the sub's mind when plunged into darkness as well. That would be a much stronger sensory-deprivation play, I think, than it is for hearing partners. Hmm. Maybe I should start a thread about deafness and BDSM, though I suspect we don't have many experts on it here.

Recent conversation with Etoile prompted me to find this post in another thread (I had missed it the first time around) and so I thought I would start a new thread and answer since Etoile and I would like to discuss the subject and see if anyone else has experiences or insights to share.

I am deaf and read lips to communicate. My speech however, is fine. This has a huge impact on much of my life as any disability would, but it also affects a lot in my BDSM lifestyle.

Blindfolds are actually a pretty hard limit for me, although oddly enough, I usually close my eyes during most scenes. I think the difference is that I have control over the loss of sense if I just close my eyes, versus the total loss of control a blindfold offers. I've never actually BEEN blindfolded, so I can't really say how it feels, but I have been in other situations where my sight is limited in ways that are nearly as well, limiting. Some examples that come to mind are corner time, tied to a St Andrews cross, bound face down on a bed, even over the knee. I need to be with someone I really trust to be in these positions.

I read lips to "hear" so I am always very aware of what is going on around me. I have a deep set fear of being laughed at or rediculed, so that is usually the very first thing that pops into my head if my sight is limited. Am I being laughed at or made fun of? This stems from growing up attending private schools with very spoiled and ill-mannered children that had little respect for those different from them.

I'm not sure if deprivation is a stronger and more delicate headspace than for most hearing people. Most earplugs or form of hearing-deprivation can't come close to what it is like to be completely deaf. The silence is very overwhelming sometimes, and to take away sight as well, can be very frightening. With the right person and done properly however, it can also be very intense, which is why I usually close my eyes. That leaves me with nothing left to focus on, but the sensations themselves. However, sometimes I wonder if hearing and sight deprivation in a hearing person isn't HARDER, since a deaf person is already quite used to being without hearing...whereas a hearing person would need to adjust to the loss of both. So the combination of the two I think would be harder for a hearing person to handle...but a deaf person is exposed to this situation more often, since many more activities fall into this level of deprivation than they would for a hearing person.

Not long ago at a party, as a punishment my Domme had me do some public corner time in the party suite room. It was very hard for me because I knew people were laughing and joking behind me in general, and I had to remind myself that I trusted her enough to know she would never allow them to laugh at me, not that any of my friends WOULD laugh at me. It was an enlightening discovery of my trust in her to take care of my well-being.

I believe my deafness offers me advantages others don't have so easily though. It is very easy for me to get into subspace, I can do a very intense scene in a very noisy club or room because it is so easy for me to tune that activity out. Many partners have commented on my skill for silent communication...body language is so important to me in communication, that it is second nature. Thus, I am sometimes quicker to pick up on things that don't come up in normal conversation and it really is a benefit.

However, there are many things that I simply cannot do that I often really miss. Having my partner wrap their hands in my hair and pull my head back and whisper evil little things in my ear...or being put in the corner and have my Domme call me to her when she is ready. Being bullwhipped at the Leather Rose club and not hearing the gasps and reactions of those around me. Not being able to follow casual conversation at a party and miss out on chances to take up offers to play. (one party at a club a friend was looking for someone to string up and flog...by the time I realized he was looking for someone willing, which I was, he had talked another girl into being his partner). So there are a lot of little things that I really miss out on.

I used to consider myself a switch, but as much as I enjoy Topping, my hearing loss plays a large part in my decision to not persue my topping interests anymore. The times I've had people over my lap or whatnot and I've been spanking them, I can't hear their reactions, I worry constantly about missing their safewords, and overall the lack of hearing is too frustrating and scarey for me, as a top, to ignore. There are ways around all of these things I'm sure, but I haven't found them to be satisfying enough for me.

So, anyhow, that is some of my own thoughts and experiences on being deaf in BDSM. I'm curious about everyone else. Are there any others here that are deaf or hearing impaired and how has your handicap affected you? If not, have you ever played with a deaf partner or observed play with someone that is deaf? Would someone being deaf stop you from wanting to play with them? (I have had this happen and have no issues with it.) Any other thoughts or comments?

 

[Etoile]

Wow, Serijules, that is an awesome post. Thank you so much for sharing all that! There's so much even I hadn't considered, despite familiarity with communications with deaf people. I'm curious - have you ever had a deaf partner? Your concerns about topping as a deaf woman seem very justified, but I can't imagine there aren't deaf tops out there! (I know the International Deaf Leather club has events near me, I'm sure there are tops among them.)

If you're entering a scene with someone you haven't worked with before, do you discuss your specific needs first? (That is, we all discuss something at some point, but do you bring up your deafness and how it affects your play?)

You mention corner time and not having your Domme call you to her...has nobody stamped on the floor for your attention? I would think a small light - one of those little laser pointer keychains, even - would work well for this too.

 

[serijules]

Wow, Serijules, that is an awesome post. Thank you so much for sharing all that! There's so much even I hadn't considered, despite familiarity with communications with deaf people. I'm curious - have you ever had a deaf partner? Your concerns about topping as a deaf woman seem very justified, but I can't imagine there aren't deaf tops out there! (I know the International Deaf Leather club has events near me, I'm sure there are tops among them.)

If you're entering a scene with someone you haven't worked with before, do you discuss your specific needs first? (That is, we all discuss something at some point, but do you bring up your deafness and how it affects your play?)

You mention corner time and not having your Domme call you to her...has nobody stamped on the floor for your attention? I would think a small light - one of those little laser pointer keychains, even - would work well for this too.

I have never actually even met another deaf person into BDSM other than online, and you know, it's silly, but even when I meet other deaf people in person that read lips, I find even myself unsure of how to talk to them. I always have people trying to scream at me (which distorts lipreading) or talking really slow or over-enunciating or whatnot. Despite being well aware of how *I* like to be talked to (aka, perfectly normally other than to make sure you are looking at me and not covering your mouth), I always find myself flustered and unsure when I speak with another deaf individual. So, I think scening with another deaf person would put me a little on edge, because I depend on my hearing partner to hear things that I can't so not having that dependance would be a little hard for me. Not that I wouldn't do it, I just think it would be a different dynamic to the scene than with a hearing person.

I always discuss my hearing loss with my partners before a scene, and if in public with someone that just met me (clubs, parties), I usually have a friend stand by. People tend to forget about the changes they need to make, because it isn't natural to them. During one scene with a Dom, midway through the scene he was pretty involved in the play and when he changed whips, he told me to be still. My friend that was standing by gently reminded him that I could not hear him, and he was like "oh dang, I forgot!" and came up to my face where I could see him and repeated his order. So I am well aware that even with talking about it, habit often takes over and my partners forget. I find this to be a compliment because it shows me they don't feel any differently about me or have any issues with my handicap.

The things I usually point out are that I need to see them to hear them, so all orders or comments need to be given to my face. I always make my limit about blindfolds or sight deprivation known, and I highly prefer to talk about limits, likes, dislikes, etc, in advance of a scene and not give a lot of feedback during. My reasoning for this is that not only do I tend to sub-space out very easily making communication harder for me, but face to face communication is just much simpler and has much less chance I'll mis-read something, than if we stop mid-scene to discuss something, or trying to crane my neck to look up at them when I'm in some odd position other than sitting up. So I am a very quiet partner in many ways, I just don't like a lot of chatter while playing...it's too hard for me to focus on lipreading (which is a very difficult skill in the best of circumstances) and really breaks the flow for me. Not that I don't want ANY talking, but some of my very best scenes have all been ones where my partner understands and works with my need for a lot of silent communication and works off of my body language.

There are many feasible ways and options to getting my attention...but I'm easily annoyed by most of them. So while there are many ways around most of the limits of my handicap, I still very much miss the things that many hearing people take for granted. But I can't complain too much, given the reason I AM hearing impaired, I'd say I have a lot to be thankful for. Most cases of spinal menigitis in the 70's with the severity of my case walked away with a lot worse effects than hearing loss...if they walked away at all.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hi serijules,

I just wanted to say that this is an awesome thread and postings.

Catalina has something that is called tinnitus, which does sometimes interfere with our games in so far that I have to repeat instructions.

However there is a situation in which I have had to use a non verbal safe word. I use a so called slipknot, it is an easy trick. Whenever I am doing complete sensory depravation my partner is not able to communicate with me. In those cases I tie her arm up with a slipknot and leave the end in her hands. A simple pull on the knot will release it and can be used as a safe word.

This might be a technology which you might have a use for.

Francisco.

 

[James G 5]

As a Top who's losing his hearing bit by bit, you've given me a lot to think about
thanks

 

[WillowPuss]

There is not a lot I can add to that already said.

I am hearing impaired, but only play with Master, who, naturally knows all about my disability.

I have found that when meeting people for the first time, I explain that I have an impairment and need to see their face clearly to 'hear' them well. And I also remind them that a touch on the arm when they are speaking directly to me helps me realise I am being addressed.

I tend to shy away from large gatherings because I miss too much conversation to really be able to relax and enjoy myself.

I must just echo what serijules said about people either shouting or otherwise distorting their mouths when speaking to the hearing impaired - it makes it ten times more difficult to de-code what is being said - as does the person positioning themselves so that there is a light source behind them - that makes their face dark and the lip movement harder to decipher.

I think, though, the worst thing for me is having Master give me an order, or tell me what He is about to do to 'His slut' and me not catching it and having to ask Him to repeat it. It gets frustrating ... not for Him, but for me.

 

[serijules]

I tend to shy away from large gatherings because I miss too much conversation to really be able to relax and enjoy myself.

I do this too unfortuantely I go to a play party with a close group of between 20-40 friends twice a year...and while I love everyone and they do a wonderful job of making sure I'm included, I still miss well over 60% of what is said around me in casual conversation. It is so very frustrating, and really causes me to crash even harder after the party than I think I normally would.

I love online/internet so much because it just takes this frustration completely away, so going on to be with the same people I chat with constantly and suddenly loosing that ability to really be a part of the conversation, is very hard. Almost too hard sometimes, that I try to convince myself that the parties are not worth the crash and the frustration...but I always end up being too excited to see everyone to really not go.

 

[Etoile]

I have found that when meeting people for the first time, I explain that I have an impairment and need to see their face clearly to 'hear' them well. And I also remind them that a touch on the arm when they are speaking directly to me helps me realise I am being addressed.

I tend to shy away from large gatherings because I miss too much conversation to really be able to relax and enjoy myself.

I must just echo what serijules said about people either shouting or otherwise distorting their mouths when speaking to the hearing impaired - it makes it ten times more difficult to de-code what is being said - as does the person positioning themselves so that there is a light source behind them - that makes their face dark and the lip movement harder to decipher.

These are all very common experiences for the deaf and hard of hearing. My experience is in both hearing situations (when I'm interpreting) and Deaf situations (around Gallaudet, for example, or with friends, where I'm the hearing one). Part of an interpreter's role is communicating cultural differences, but I don't know that many hearing people actually learn from such interactions.

I'm mostly rambling because I don't want to go to work, but just to keep the post on-topic, I found a page with information from the National Leather Association about the possibility of a BDSM relationship involving a deaf person turning into an abusive relationship. There's also International Deaf Leather (which was in DC last year and Orlando this year) and my own local Baltimore Leather Association of the Deaf. BDSM and leather don't always go together, but I suspect it's a good jumping off point in this case.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I do this too unfortuantely I go to a play party with a close group of between 20-40 friends twice a year...and while I love everyone and they do a wonderful job of making sure I'm included, I still miss well over 60% of what is said around me in casual conversation. It is so very frustrating, and really causes me to crash even harder after the party than I think I normally would.

I love online/internet so much because it just takes this frustration completely away, so going on to be with the same people I chat with constantly and suddenly loosing that ability to really be a part of the conversation, is very hard. Almost too hard sometimes, that I try to convince myself that the parties are not worth the crash and the frustration...but I always end up being too excited to see everyone to really not go.

Not to distract from the topic, but your posting about feeling you have missed out on much of what is being said touched a chord inside me which is proving difficult right now. As Master said, I suffer from tinnitus, which is becoming worse so means I often ask him to repeat what he says, which I hate, and sometimes he misses. The other problem I am having is not speaking the language, whenever we have visitors, or go out with others I find myself feeling totally out of it as while the conversation goes on in lively fashion around me, I do not understand a word of it so am inadvertently excluded. It is a most uncomfortable feeling and I often wish I could just go off and do something else until the visit is over.

C

 

[Pure]

A fascinating thread. Serijules and others have given lots to think about.

J.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Have been trying to remember where I read this story and finally remembered....here on Lit....duh!! Is well written as are all her stories and deals with a hearing impaired sub. Thought it might also be enjoyed by others who may not have already seen it.

Silence Of Need by PassionSt John
http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=55565

Catalina

 

[serijules]

Have been trying to remember where I read this story and finally remembered....here on Lit....duh!! Is well written as are all her stories and deals with a hearing impaired sub. Thought it might also be enjoyed by others who may not have already seen it.

Silence Of Need by PassionSt John
http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=55565

Catalina

That was an amazingly insightful and wonderful story. Thanks for sharing the link!! I could relate to all of it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

That was an amazingly insightful and wonderful story. Thanks for sharing the link!! I could relate to all of it.

My pleasure...exceptionally good writer IMO. If we all read and vote on her story/ies she will wonder why she is flying up the list again...LOL.

 

[Etoile]

Is well written as are all her stories and deals with a hearing impaired sub.

Interesting, I'd have called her a deaf sub given that ASL is her preferred language. But then, I'm political like that. Oh, to be given that interpreting gig!

 

[serijules]

Deafness and hearing impaired often are interchangable...many hearing people make the mistake of assuming that all "deaf" people cannot talk, cannot hear at all, or use ASL as their main language...and this is not true. The word deaf covers anything from severe to profound hearing loss up to complete deaf/mute. Many deaf people actually do have some level of hearing, but it is so profound or so severe that normal methods of aiding hearing impairment (hearing aids, amplification) are not enough *alone*. They need lipreading or ASL skills to compensate enough to communicate effectively.

I actually have a little hearing with my hearing aids, but it is not enough to be able to recognize and comprehend speech patterns in and of itself. I need visual aide (lipreading, closed captioning, etc) to understand what it is I am hearing, and there are many sounds I cannot hear at all. I can hear the announcer in say, a Walmart, announcing specials, but hell if I understand a word of what is being said. I can even listen to music and follow along after hearing it a few dozen times and having the words in front of me. Although if I would hear it played on a radio or in a club and was not told that song was playing, I wouldn't recognize it. Mine is a rather delicate and complex hearing loss, and I have actually baffled audiologists for years with what I CAN hear...according to the charts and tests and numbers, I shouldn't be able to hear what I can with my hearing aids. Oh well Without them, I can't hear anything at all except maybe a door slam or a really loud dog bark, and even then it is just echos of it.

So I could say I am hearing impaired or I am deaf, and I do use both words, and both are correct. I actually prefer to say I am deaf over I am hearing impaired, because if I say I'm hearing impaired, I get people that think that shouting at me is a brilliant fix because then I can "hear them better" If I say I am deaf and read lips, people are more prone to talk normally...although sometimes they either over-enunciate or mouth words and not actually talk at all, which is annoying and makes things much more difficult.

Just thought I would explain that for those that do read that story and confused by the use of the words hearing impaired vs deaf.

 

[kayte]

Deafness and hearing impaired often are interchangable...many hearing people make the mistake of assuming that all "deaf" people cannot talk, cannot hear at all, or use ASL as their main language...and this is not true. The word deaf covers anything from severe to profound hearing loss up to complete deaf/mute. Many deaf people actually do have some level of hearing, but it is so profound or so severe that normal methods of aiding hearing impairment (hearing aids, amplification) are not enough *alone*. They need lipreading or ASL skills to compensate enough to communicate effectively.

I actually have a little hearing with my hearing aids, but it is not enough to be able to recognize and comprehend speech patterns in and of itself. I need visual aide (lipreading, closed captioning, etc) to understand what it is I am hearing, and there are many sounds I cannot hear at all. I can hear the announcer in say, a Walmart, announcing specials, but hell if I understand a word of what is being said. I can even listen to music and follow along after hearing it a few dozen times and having the words in front of me. Although if I would hear it played on a radio or in a club and was not told that song was playing, I wouldn't recognize it. Mine is a rather delicate and complex hearing loss, and I have actually baffled audiologists for years with what I CAN hear...according to the charts and tests and numbers, I shouldn't be able to hear what I can. Oh well

So I could say I am hearing impaired or I am deaf, and I do use both words, and both are correct. I actually prefer to say I am deaf over I am hearing impaired, because if I say I'm hearing impaired, I get people that think that shouting at me is a brilliant fix because then I can "hear them better" If I say I am deaf and read lips, people are more prone to talk normally...although sometimes they either over-enunciate or mouth words and not actually talk at all, which is annoying and makes things much more difficult.

Just thought I would explain that for those that do read that story and confused by the use of the words hearing impaired vs deaf.

Thank you so very much for explaining. I am leaning so much from this thread, and the posts.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sorry if my use of the term 'hearing impaired' offended anyone. I guess from past experience when in doubt I tend to ere on the side of politically correct in preference to risking offence through blase disregard.

Thanks for your post Serijules as it was enlightening and informative, and I am sure appreciated by many including myself. This thread is wonderful and highlighting issues which many may not ever think about.

C

 

[Etoile]

That's a good explanation, serijules, thank you. I tend to prefer the term "hard of hearing" over "hearing-impaired" because of my experience within the Gallaudet community. I usually think of the terms "hard of hearing" and "hearing-impaired" as interchangable for people with some residual hearing, with the latter being used more frequently by those who live within the hearing world rather than participating in the Deaf community. If a person whose audiogram shows them as profoundly deaf calls themself "hearing-impaired," I think of it more as being in denial!

I think I'm hijacking the thread here, though. I could chatter on and on (and on and on!) about deafness, but this doesn't really relate to BDSM.

 

[serijules]

I think I'm hijacking the thread here, though. I could chatter on and on (and on and on!) about deafness, but this doesn't really relate to BDSM.

Thats ok by me, the whole "OMG YOU ARE HIJACKING THE THREAD" thing drives me insane anyhow, especially when the hijack just takes the convo a bit off course but still generally on the same topic...it ain't that big of a deal. This is the only community I've ever seen it even be an issue so hey, it's my thread, hijack all you want! <g>

 

[Impish]

thanks

thanks for taking the time serijules to share your story on this. while my hearing loss is minor I think compared to most, deaf in one ear, you've given me several things to think about and be more aware of. thanks again.

 

[PassionStJohn]

I would like to thank all of you for reading and enjoying my story. It was written from my heart. I am not deaf or hearing impaired, but I have worked with the deaf for many years. I count some of my closest friends to be those in the deaf community.

I am also a submissive. A world I have keep private from my interpreting duties. Yet one day, during a scene, I began to imagine what it would be like to be in the same position but unable to sign my needs or hear a whispered command. The story demanded to be written. My Dom also demanded my full attention and found punishment necessary to obtain it.

Nevertheless, I am honored that you approve of it. I do hope someday to write more about the same character.

Passion St.John

 

[kayte]

I would like to thank all of you for reading and enjoying my story. It was written from my heart. I am not deaf or hearing impaired, but I have worked with the deaf for many years. I count some of my closest friends to be those in the deaf community.

I am also a submissive. A world I have keep private from my interpreting duties. Yet one day, during a scene, I began to imagine what it would be like to be in the same position but unable to sign my needs or hear a whispered command. The story demanded to be written. My Dom also demanded my full attention and found punishment necessary to obtain it.

Nevertheless, I am honored that you approve of it. I do hope someday to write more about the same character.

Passion St.John

Passion ~ It is so nice to see you here. Hope things are going well for you.

 

[Etoile]

I am also a submissive. A world I have keep private from my interpreting duties. Yet one day, during a scene, I began to imagine what it would be like to be in the same position but unable to sign my needs or hear a whispered command. The story demanded to be written. My Dom also demanded my full attention and found punishment necessary to obtain it.

When you said you worked with the deaf, I didn't realize you were also an interpreter! I wonder how many interpreters would feel they are submissive rather than dominant? We are supposed to be "invisible" after all (not that it happens that way much)...

 

[James G 5]

When you said you worked with the deaf, I didn't realize you were also an interpreter! I wonder how many interpreters would feel they are submissive rather than dominant? We are supposed to be "invisible" after all (not that it happens that way much)...

Yanno, I have 2 aboslutely HILLARIOSU interpreting stories I need to share with you if we ever get to meet
unfortunately, they're hugely visible and there's no good way to explain them online