STUDDOG
Irish Eyes Are Shining
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2002
- Posts
- 6,327
Just a few funnys for the group....
I find many similarities between Dawgs and women....
and this
dawg loves them all....
SMILE
Women
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up for injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without new shoes so their children can have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all S I Z E S , in all c o l o r s and shapes .
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.
This has been sent to you from someone who respects you as a woman.
Pass it along to your woman friends to remind them how amazing they are.
Author Unknown
-------------------------------------------------------------
IT'S BEAUTIFUL WOMEN MONTH....NO KIDDING
IT'S GOOD TO BE THE WOMAN
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dogs
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
Steven Wright
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
Ogden Nash
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
Snoopy
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Ann Landers
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
James Thurber
Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.
Alexander Pope
Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.
Martha Scott
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Andrew A. Rooney
If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
Andrew A. Rooney
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater . . .
suggest that he wear a tail.
Fran Lebowitz
Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man without his Vices. This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery, if inscribed over human ashes, is but a just Tribute to the Memory of Boatswain, a Dog.
Inscription on the monument raised for Lord Byron's dog, Boatswain
In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn't merely try to train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.
Edward Hoagland
The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.
Samuel Butler
Our dogs, like our shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well.
Bonnie Wilcox
A watchdog is a dog kept to guard your home, usually by sleeping where a burglar would awaken the household by falling over him.
Anonymous
A dog can express more with his tail in minutes than his owner can express with his tongue in hours.
Anonymous
Never judge a dog's pedigree by the kind of books he does not chew.
Anonymous
You always sympathize with the underdog, except when the other dog is yours.
Anonymous
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Rita Rudner
Beware of the man who does not talk,
and the dog that does not bark.
Cheyenne
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
"Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant."
Unknown
"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
Robert A. Heinlein
"I care not for a man’s religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it."
Abraham Lincoln
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane "
Smiley Burton
---------------------------------------------------------------
Women's Advice To Men
* The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE
actually change our underwear.
* The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat,
take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
* If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.
* If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your
payday.
* Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the
movie.
* Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a
day.
* Please don't drive when you're not driving.
* Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
* Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths
you take.
* If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in
bed.
* The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of
accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
* If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's
easy"?
* Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
* When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
* Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll
never see the 'island' coming.
* Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
* Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y
chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
* Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
* Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Seven Most Important Men
in a Woman's Life
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE
it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll
lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and
lie still!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
14 Things PMS Stands For
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Midsection
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
Ever notice how many women's
problems can be traced to men?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal Breakdown
GUYnecology
The secret of staying young is to live honestly,
eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball
------------------------------------------------
Hormone Hostage Survival Guide
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month
when all a man has to do is open his mouth and
he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide
that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet
of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deep thoughts and good laughs
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they use to.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
HUGS AND KISSES....SMILE....YOUR DENTIST WILL LOVE THE ADVERTISING....
I find many similarities between Dawgs and women....
and thisdawg loves them all....
SMILE
Women
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up for injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without new shoes so their children can have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all S I Z E S , in all c o l o r s and shapes .
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.
This has been sent to you from someone who respects you as a woman.
Pass it along to your woman friends to remind them how amazing they are.
Author Unknown
-------------------------------------------------------------
IT'S BEAUTIFUL WOMEN MONTH....NO KIDDING
IT'S GOOD TO BE THE WOMAN
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dogs
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
Steven Wright
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
Ogden Nash
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
Snoopy
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Ann Landers
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
James Thurber
Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.
Alexander Pope
Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.
Martha Scott
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Andrew A. Rooney
If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
Andrew A. Rooney
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater . . .
suggest that he wear a tail.
Fran Lebowitz
Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man without his Vices. This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery, if inscribed over human ashes, is but a just Tribute to the Memory of Boatswain, a Dog.
Inscription on the monument raised for Lord Byron's dog, Boatswain
In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn't merely try to train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.
Edward Hoagland
The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.
Samuel Butler
Our dogs, like our shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well.
Bonnie Wilcox
A watchdog is a dog kept to guard your home, usually by sleeping where a burglar would awaken the household by falling over him.
Anonymous
A dog can express more with his tail in minutes than his owner can express with his tongue in hours.
Anonymous
Never judge a dog's pedigree by the kind of books he does not chew.
Anonymous
You always sympathize with the underdog, except when the other dog is yours.
Anonymous
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Rita Rudner
Beware of the man who does not talk,
and the dog that does not bark.
Cheyenne
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
"Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant."
Unknown
"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
Robert A. Heinlein
"I care not for a man’s religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it."
Abraham Lincoln
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane "
Smiley Burton
---------------------------------------------------------------
Women's Advice To Men
* The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE
actually change our underwear.
* The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat,
take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
* If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.
* If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your
payday.
* Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the
movie.
* Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a
day.
* Please don't drive when you're not driving.
* Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
* Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths
you take.
* If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in
bed.
* The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of
accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
* If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's
easy"?
* Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
* When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
* Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll
never see the 'island' coming.
* Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
* Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y
chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
* Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
* Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Seven Most Important Men
in a Woman's Life
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE
it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll
lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and
lie still!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
14 Things PMS Stands For
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Midsection
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
Ever notice how many women's
problems can be traced to men?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal Breakdown
GUYnecology
The secret of staying young is to live honestly,
eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball
------------------------------------------------
Hormone Hostage Survival Guide
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month
when all a man has to do is open his mouth and
he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide
that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet
of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deep thoughts and good laughs
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they use to.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
HUGS AND KISSES....SMILE....YOUR DENTIST WILL LOVE THE ADVERTISING....
