Dating Patterns

[PacificBlue]

Do you pick the same type of people?

With very few exceptions I've noticed that I tend to pick men with similar personalities. Their interests are different but the underlying personality is the same. I find that very odd. How do you break that kind of pattern? I can see it, I just don't know how to fix it?

Feedback, feedback, feedback...

 

[willywanker]

Blue, love the avatar.

As for relationships, uhhhhhh,uh, not going there.

Trying to fix marriage #3 so I'm not the one to ask.

 

[PacificBlue]

Alright..I find it hard to believe that I'm the only one who does this or is it just that nobody has a good answer? Usually everybody has opinions...

*waiting impatiently*

 

[Kasha]

sorta...

I have been with my husband since I was 15-16, so I didn't date a whole, whole lot before that. I do think that most of the guys I did go out with or found attractive were all the same type. I had met this one really good looking guy and we dated. When we broke up the next boyfriend I had looked exactly like the first. They all tended to be sorta the same around that age, from what I've seen most are still the same.

 

[Bubblegum *sugarless*]

Normally, in the past, have always chosen the bad boy type. I married the worst one I could find. Heavy metal guitarist, druggie, tattoos, yada yada yada. (The drugs made him really bad, he could have been perfectly okay doing the other stuff. Just don't want to give other tattooed musicians a bad name.)

Now however, I am involved with, and hopelessly in love with, a very gentle, kind man. He sings opera and listens to jazz. He is nothing like men I've been involved with before. He stands way above that.

 

[PacificBlue]

How did you break the pattern though? I see a pattern and it's an UNHEALTHY one. It's like a built in radar.

 

[Bubblegum *sugarless*]

How did I break the pattern? Hmmm. Well my ex left me with no self-esteem. He had no regard for my feelings, my wants or needs. It was never anything I did either, it was his own selfishness. Basically, I was ashamed at what I had become. Spineless, sniveling shell of the person I was. So, I had to work on myself before I entered into any relationship again.

So basically, it took being beaten down to rise back up and break the pattern. I went as far across the spectrum I could to find someone who did not remind me of my ex. I lucked out.

 

[PacificBlue]

That sounds really good, it seems as if you've made major improvements on your life. Kudos!

I don't like hearing half the things that come out of my mouth these days or the impression that I give people of myself. I've been doing some inventory and realized that I keep putting myself in the same relationships over and over again. I'm tired of complaining about what I don't like about my life and want to move to "doing something about it". While it hurt the other night to see the troll flame me...I do feel whiny, there was truth in the statement.

 

[April]

I see a pattern with me too. So you're not the only one. I'm mostly attracted to guys with short dark hair, and military or ex-military. And they usually end up being the kind who get real involved with their work, to the point they ignore the heck out of me. Yeah, gotta break that cycle.

 

[luv2tvl69]

Trust me dont want my advice here. Physically they vary. But (with the exception of WC )I tend to gravitate to men who have this need to hurt me, lie to me, cheat on me.

And the really pathetic part is I allow it. I become this human doormat that I hate. Only for awhile though. Then I get smart (and by this time am in alot of pain) and just cut them out of my life. But I pay a big price....huge trust issues, insecure in relationships, I tend to sabatoge any potential decent relationship that comes along with my lack of trust and insecurity...vicious cycle. I see it happening, but cant seem to break the cycle.

Still working on these issues, probably forever I guess atleast I am aware of it, and that may be part of the battle

So here I am with the best guy and the most incredible emotional and intellectual relationship I've ever known. And we cant even physically be together. Just my luck?

 

[lavender]

 

[PacificBlue]

So here I am with the best guy and the most incredible emotional and intellectual relationship I've ever known. And we cant even physically be together. Just my luck?

Alright, I'll bite I've seen you refer to WC over and over again in various different posts. It seems as if your falling in love with him...I could be wrong. You'll NEVER be able to be physically together?


please feel free to tell me this is none of my business and move along...

 

[luv2tvl69]

PacificBlue

No I dont mind anyones input/opinoins:

Alright, I'll bite I've seen you refer to WC over and over again in various different posts. It seems as if your falling in love with him...I could be wrong. You'll NEVER be able to be physically together?

I know I have strong feelings for him. Very strong...which kinda scares me because I havent been able to feel for anyone since my heart was destroyed --8yrs. I always flirt and goof around, but my heart literally has been closed off for a long time.

I never thought I'd ever do this on the computer, nonetheless find that 1 person who could break down my barriers with his kindness, openness, attentiveness, respect...yes the cyber/phone sex is better than by myself but its soo much more than that. Am I falling in love...I dont know--maybe. I just know I feel so special, happy, excited again...and I like it. I just know I REALLY LIKE HIM, care about him, think and fantasize about him all the time. I feel 16...wow is that scary--would never want to go back to that.

"NEVER be able to be physically together? "
No, atleast not for a very very long time he is in California and that cant change--his life and family there. My life in NY and that cant change (I am main person--along with siblings-- to assist with my elderly parents). It would most likely be years before I can make any changes to my living situation. I know he will find a real person before then...he is very wonderful. I know what this is, what it can only be, what it cant be....but for now it/HE makes me happy and I'll gladly take that. Who knows what the future brings. At the moment I'm just living for now

 

[PacificBlue]

Well, I wish the very best for you. Sounds like you have defined your limits well and respect them...the hardest thing to do in long-distance online stuff, I think.



Phonesex is fun isn't it?

 

[TN_Vixen]

Pattern?

I just don't date. That's my pattern. Wanna help me break that one?

 

[PacificBlue]

Re: Pattern?

I just don't date. That's my pattern. Wanna help me break that one?

I amazed at how many books, essays, etc. are out there that tell you what to do "in" a relationship and yet there is very little information on how to actually meet someone.

 

[Guest]

I usually go for the same type...hook line and sinker..

the bad ass ones... the ones who scream 'REBEL' all the way... leather jacket..... boot wearing.... 'I can kick your ass' kind of guys.....


the only way to break the pattern... is go for someone completely opposite.......... once you experience the other kinds.... you can make the decision of whether or not you want to go back to it.

 

[Mustang Sally]

My pattern was to date loud, obnoxious jerks (probably to make up for my own quiet, demure nature, ha ha). But I've just started a relationship with somebody special, somebody who is quite a lot like me. It's been great.

Maybe you need to find new hangouts, etc.
I know these are empty and obvious words, but as soon as you recognize the same old destructive qualities in someone you're dating, distance yourself. Resist the temptation to fool yourself by saying "this one will be different" and instead find someone who really is. I mean, be extreme about it if you have to. Instead of leather, pick cashmere. *grin*

My mom has always dated alcoholics (or men who drink heavily, at least). That's not a pleasant cycle to be in. I wish she would learn this lesson.

 

[*bratcat*]

My pattern

 

[Sweetlola]

Well... I am with you on this topic, blue. I consistently go for the same type of man! Intelligent... dresses conservatively (usually the polo and chinos type of guy), but with a little bit of a wild side (sometimes with a criminal record... argh!). I love the image that a man, on the outside, appears conservative... but when you really get to know him, takes you on a wild, wild ride. These men have caused nothing but chaos in my life. I spend my time trying to take care of them and repair their mistakes while they're out making more of them. I, too, appear somewhat conservative from looking at my wardrobe, but have got a wild side too (no criminal record, mind you... I'm just a little fiesty). Is this the only type of man I am compatible with? If so, I see myself getting hurt over and over. Why do we KNOW what type of man is healthy for us, but yet we still fall for the same types that leave us lonely in the end? Is there a definite answer? And, yes... how do we stop the vicious cycle?

 

[bluntforcemama]

Hmmm.... well, I tend to pick men who will respect me and treat me well, they have to be intelligent with a playful side, and morals that could withstand time. So yes, I suppose there is a pattern there.

 

[Juspar Emvan]

But she's learning to break the pattern.

 

[Kandi]

any updates?

i just found this thread, and wondered how
you all are doing with your patterns

 

[Bindii]

I say that variety is the way to go. My sister has a knack for choosing men who treat her badly (physical abuse etc), in fact three of her ex boyfriends have turned out to be stalkers - harrassing her for months after their relationship was over. She's trying hard to break the pattern now....

Generally though when I was dating I probably tended to be a bit picky, not that thats a bad thing. I like Myst chose to be with men who respected me, someone I could have fun with, and whom were intelligent enough to carry a decent conversation. I'm happy to say that my husband is all of these things, only problem is whenever we go out I have to beat the other women off with sticks...everybody wants him. One of the pitfalls of having a near as perfect man as one can get I suppose!