Date with the Audience

[musicankane]

Jake had gotten tickets to "The Man Show" from a friend at his office. He had never heard of the show but his friend Jeff insisted it was simply like those daytime talk shows, only for men. So instead of talking about girlie shit, the whole show was about tits, and beer, and cars, and machines, you know...guy stuff.

Outside before the show a producer came out to the line where Jake and the rest of the audience waited to get let into the studio. He had all the single guys write their names down and tossed them in a big paper bag. Though he did not tell the crowd what it was for.

As for the show itself it was pretty goddamn funny. Jake was having a good time and he felt bad that his friend had not been able to join him to see the show. It would have made it that much better.

At the end of the show the hosts announced that they had a surprise for one of the lucky guys in the audience. Then they brought out this amazingly hot girl, some model for MTV or something and said that one lucky winner was going to get to go on an all expense paid date with the lovely girl.

They brought out the bag and dug around nice and deep. "Jake Zwirn!" They called and Jake felt his stomach drop. He stood and waved, unable to believe he was going to get a date with such a hot beauty. He came down to the stage and shook the girl's hand with a stupid smile on his face.

Then he was brought backstage where the producers got his information and told him that next Friday the girl would arrive at his apartment in a limo to take them for a romantic steak dinner, and then mini golfing and then the limo would take then where ever they wanted to go up till midnight should things go well. But the smile on the producer's face told Jake that it was just a publicity stunt and nothing was going to happen.

* * *

Still Friday came and Jake was excited to actually go out on the date. He only had to wait for her to arrive.

 

[dirtyashley]

It was a pretty funny show, she thought, watching the broadcast from the dressing room. It was all cars, beer and half-naked girls, usually in some combination, but as bad as they told their audience they were being, it was basic cable, primetime stuff. It didn't stop the guys watching from howling with laughter, but mostly they were laughing at the image of themselves as some kind metrosexual cavemen.

When the backstage manager poked his head in and held up two fingers, Ashley stood up and took a last look in the mirror. They had found a bluejeans skirt cut off porn-movie short for her to wear with a tight, low cut tank-top and stripper heels. It was a good look, she thought. It made her legs flex beautifully, accentuated the round orbs of her ass and breasts, and left her flat tummy bare. She wore a bikini under it, and smiled. It was the illusion of being exposed they were presenting. She finger fluffed her blonde hair so she looked like she had just come from doing something wild, and as the host announced her, she walked out on stage, swinging her hips a little but moving quick. The show went at a breakneck pace, she was introduced, interviewed ("I'm a design major at UCLA. Go Bruins!" "Yes, they're real." "Bud Light with Lime? Hell yeah!") and pimped out to some guy in the audience in the space of about fifteen seconds.

Of course, the deal was that she had to actually show up to go out with this guy on Friday night, but LA rent was brutal and the money was good. So was the exposure. She was going to be on with the lucky guy for another 30-90 seconds the next week to see how it went. Depending on the producer's sense of how engaged the audience was.

So she got out of the limo in an outfit more or less the same as she had worn on the stage, once again chosen by the producers of the show, and went up to the door. She rang the bell and waited.

 

[musicankane]

Jake had spent a lot of time making sure he was presentable. Sure this was simply a gag date, or a date that meant absolutely nothing as it was merely arranged through a TV show. Still he felt that this beautiful girl had agreed to this, and the least he could do was look decent being out with her. Though he smirked to think at the looks people will give them as they wondered how Jake got to go out with this girl.

He heard the door bell ring and darted over to answer it. His hair was casually brushed back, and he wore a nice button up shirt and some matching slacks. He looked pretty good if he could say so himself. Sure he still had to wear his glasses and he definately still had that little bit of a nerd look to him, but this was the best he could do.

He smiled at her and said, "Hey I'm Jake nice to meet you." He told her as he stepped out of apartment. "This is by far the most incredible prize I've ever one....mostly because it's the only prize I've ever won. I'll try not to make it do horrible for you." He winked as they walked out to the limo.

 

[dirtyashley]

Ashley gave a little sigh of relief when the guy opened the door and he looked normal. The contrast between his understated clothes and her skimpy outfit was pretty striking, but she could handle that better than some guy who was trying too hard to look good. He had glasses and a slightly nervous air that she was pretty sure was just the usual blind date awkwardness. She grinned and shook his hand, then slipped her arm through his so he could escort her to the limo.

"Hey," she said. "It's going to be great. We have a limo and a steak dinner and mini golf to keep us entertained. You're the winner, remember? This is all to make you happy." She winked back at him, a bit exaggerated, but she wanted to make him relax. The last thing she wanted was to have him worrying her about whether or not she was enjoying herself.

When they got to the car she stopped, and the driver stood patiently, waiting for her signal to open the door. She had explained what she wanted on the way over, and he had been sympathetic to her situation, being thrown to the dogs. Though Jake seemed a lot nicer than what she had expected, she was still a little on edge about the whole thing.

"I want to make sure you have a good time," she said. "But just so we're clear, it's a hands-off good time, ok? If we can enjoy it for what it is, I think we'll have a blast. You seem like a cool guy, so let's just hang out and have fun."

She nodded to the driver, who smiled and opened the door for them.

 

[musicankane]

Jake smiled at her insistance that this was all his prize and he should just enjoy it. Part of him couldn't help feel bad that she had to be just tossed around like this though. Oh well, if nothing else Ashley was the hottest girl he had ever seen in his life and he was dating her. If only for a TV show, and if only for a night. It was still going to be awesome.

In the limo he teased her, "Aww, man I was really looking forward to hands-on fun." He laughed, "No worries, to be honest I don't think I would know what to do with you if I even I the chance anyway. Girls as hot as you do not exist in my world."

The limo took drove off and Jake setting back into the seat with a sigh, his eyes were all for Ashley, though he tried not to stare at her like a creep. It was just so hard not to simply enjoy being so close to a girl this goregous. It had to be a crime to be that hot.

"So let me ask you something, because I always wanted to ask a beautiful girl this. And since I don't have a chance in hell with you I figure there is no harm in asking." He said, "What is it like being so hot that every guy you walk past instantly wants to fuck you? I know crazy question, but like I can't even imagine what it must be like."

 

[dirtyashley]

"Aww, man I was really looking forward to hands-on fun." He laughed, "No worries, to be honest I don't think I would know what to do with you if I even I the chance anyway. Girls as hot as you do not exist in my world."

She looked at him, wondering if he was for real. She worked as a model, so she knew she was pretty hot, but he made it sound like she was a whole other species. She smiled. When in doubt, smile, and try to keep things rolling. As long as he thought of her as some kind of unattainable thing, the night was going to be awkward.

"So let me ask you something, because I always wanted to ask a beautiful girl this. And since I don't have a chance in hell with you I figure there is no harm in asking." He said, "What is it like being so hot that every guy you walk past instantly wants to fuck you? I know crazy question, but like I can't even imagine what it must be like."

She looked out the window. He was more comfortable, it seemed, and now she was the one who felt incredibly awkward. Every time he said he didn't have a chance or he wouldn't know what to do, she wanted to tell him they weren't that different. That in different circumstances, there was nothing that would stop her from hooking up with a guy like him, but if she said that, it opened a door that she wouldn't be able to close again, and the whole night would be about playing defense. Like it wasn't already.

"You can't imagine what it's like?" she said, and shook her head. "I can't imagine it any other way." She shrugged. "I don't know about every guy I walk past, but there have been guys after me since I got tits. That's just the way my world is. For what it's worth, I still can't find a decent guy in this town. I try not to get too cynical about it, but I try not to be stupid, too. When a guy is trying to get in my pants, I know he's probably bullshitting me. I'm sure you get the same thing from girls, wanting one thing but saying another." She grinned, trying to reassure him, to make him comfortable, but she was the one who was nervous. Was it just because he was being straight about thinking she was hot? Or was it something else?

 

[musicankane]

Jake nodded, "Actually that makes a lot of sense. I have been trying to get girls since they started getting boobs in middle school. I don't suppose its a good feeling." He turned away and looked out the window. He didn't want to be just another toolbag with her. Just some guy wanting to stare at her chest and call it a conversation. No Jake was determined to be different.

"Don't worry Ash. I haven't thought of seeing you naked once." He paused. "Today."

The limo pulled up to the steakhouse and they were shown a nice booth in the corner where they could talk. The waiter brought them a bottle of wine and Jake grabbed the bottle. "This is great! What are you going to drink?" He teased before pouring them both a glass. Then he made a toast, "To us....not being terrible at mini golf." He said with a smile.

 

[dirtyashley]

"I didn't mean to make it sound so bad," she said, laughing. She noticed him staring out the window, and she could hardly believe it. He was trying not to stare at her, and strangely, it left her feeling uncertain. They surely couldn't go through the whole night without looking at each other. "It's actually a good thing. A lot of guys want to do a lot of nice things for me... even if there are strings attached."

"Not even once?" She pouted. She kept her tone light, and reminded herself that this guy was in the audience at the knuckle-dragger wannabe show. He was playing the part of a gentleman, but it was just a part. In his way, he was faking it as much as she was, and it was probably her fault. "See, that's worse. I'm supposed to be the prize, and what's the point if you're not interested? So it's ok to look. That's what I'm here for."

At the restaurant, she sipped wine and ordered the most ridiculously overpriced surf and turf platter on the menu. After all, the network was picking up the tab. Sitting at the table, facing each other, it was harder for him to look away, and she watched him closely. She smiled each time she noticed him checking her out. The wine helped, and by the time the food arrived she was feeling much more herself, laughing at his jokes, and actually enjoying herself.

"I should warn you," she said, completely deadpan. "I've never played mini golf in my life. It's not ... dangerous, is it?"

 

[musicankane]

The wine definately helpped then get along. They were laughing and eating with smiles on their faces. Sure Jake checked her out a few times. He tried not too but he simple couldn't help it. She was too damn hot. She brought up the mini golf and Jake threw his hands into the air. "Oh my God. Youve never played mini golf? How can you possibly an American if you've never tried to hit colorful golf balls into mini volcanoes and giant clowns?"

He shook his head and said, "Never fear. I was varsity min golf champ in my high school. I will show you the ropes and you will be ready to go pro in no time."

She laughed at his jokes which made him feel better. Jake had never been on a real date before. Hell he was only twenty three but he never even had a girlfriend before. However he wasn't nervous with Ashley because there was no need to try and impress her. They might as well just be a couple of friends.

After dinner they decided to skip the calories of desert and instead have cotton candy at the mini golf park. On the way Jake cracked the mini bar on the limp and grabbed more drinks for them. "Mini golf needs mini drinks." He insisted.

They got there little putters and their balls from the counter and headed out to the course where Jake volunteered to go first to show Ashley how it was done. He hit the ball and it went niwhere near the hole. "See that's shat you do. Nothing to it. You just have to do it exactly the opposite of what I did."

 

[dirtyashley]

Ashley mostly left her food alone, knowing her agent would throw a fit even over the little she did eat, but cotton candy was too much to resist. They passed the massive pink cloud on a stick between them. She putted the ball almost into the hole, and threw the putter at it when it missed. Catching the stern look she got from the manager, a look that said he's throw her out if it didn't mean he'd have to stand up. She gave a cute smile and shrugged.

"I thought that's what real golfers did," she said, grinning at Jake. "You know, this is the kind of stuff I need you to help me out with." She fished the putter out of the bushes where it had bounced and waved to the couple of people who were still watching her, either afraid of further acting out, or just because she was cute.

"You think we can get kicked out?" she said, conversationally, as she waited for him to locate his ball and tap it towards the hole. "The way that guy looked at me, I swear. You throw one little golf club, and the next thing you know you're like, public enemy number one." She knew she should probably settle down, but the dinner and the wine had loosened her up a little, and the idea of just going with the program haggled out by her agent and the show was too dismal to think about. It was Friday night, after all, and Jake was a nice enough, fun guy, if a little awkward sometimes. She turned to him and grinned.

 

[musicankane]

Jake shrugged and looked at the people giving them dirty looks. "Its probably fine. I wouldn't throw the deadly metal stick around anymore though." He smirked and pointed at the next hole. "So for this next one you gotta hit between the blocks. Otherwise it bounces around and life sucks." Again the went first the show her but his ball hit a block and bounced completely off the course.

"Fuck." He spat. "Okay let me get a do over." He trotted over to his ball and picked it up, pausing long enough to take a nice look at Ashley's ass. He smiled and moved back to the tee. "Here come here and stand behind me. You are distracting me, licking that damn candy like that."

He watched her with a smirk and then took his shot making it to the hole this time. Once Ashley was ready for her turn he stepped up to her. "I know you said no touching but let me at least help you hold the putter right. It will help you aim your shots okay?"

 

[dirtyashley]

"I would have thought you'd have to throw a putter towards someone, or, you know, hard, to make it deadly, but you know, that's just my perspective. Do you want me to ask the guy if there is any kind of safety helmet for you? Some of these obstacles have moving parts."

As she watched his ball roll dramatically off course, she held back a laugh, but when he continued to 'instruct' her in his absurdly pedantic fashion, she couldn't help herself.

"If the cotton candy is distracting you," she said, and tossed it over her shoulder, where it landed in the bushes. A moment later she cocked her head to the side. "You're going to accuse me of weaponizing sugar fluff, aren't you?"

After a moment, she set her ball down to attempt to navigate the blocks, but every time she was ready to his it, she started giggling again. She stepped back, discovering he was standing close behind her when she bumped into him. She looked over her shoulder and returned his condescending smirk.

"I'm not sure playing as well as you is something I really aspire to, Jake."

 

[musicankane]

Jake shrugged and stepped back. "Okay if you don't wanna be awesome like me that's fine." He moved around to stand to the side of the course and watched her hit the ball. Hole in one. He blinked and glanced back at her. "Son of a bitch. Beginners luck." He snorted and moved to hit his ball into the hole after two more strokes.

As they headed to the next hole Jake frowned over the score. "Well you're kicking my ass now." He said, "Gonna have to challenge you to Halo or something after this."

They moved through the course with more laughs and good times. Ashley behaved enough to not throw her club through any windows. Even when the giant clown kept knocking her ball away at the last second. She did however walk up to the clown and threw her ball down its throat. This had Jake laughing in tears. "Good news Ash. The next hole is not a clown, it's a monkey." He chuckled.

 

[dirtyashley]

"I thought we were done clowning around, but I should have known you were going to try some new kind of monkey business," she said.

 

[musicankane]

The monkey turned out to be Jakes nemesis. Every time he hit the ball the monkey would smack it away. "Fuck you ape!" He screamed. "I am evolved I am your better. Stop hitting the ball!" Still itwas five more tries before Jake gave up and threw his club.

He spun to Ashley and said, "Fuck that monkey. Wanna just ditch this nightmare and go get some more drinks?"

 

[dirtyashley]

"Blah blah blah, deadly metal stick, blah blah blah," she said, and then threw hers after his. No casualties were apparent, though the ticket taker was glaring at them fiercely. Ashley stuck her tongue out at him. "Doesn't it feel better though?"

"I could go for a drink," she said, and looked back at the ticket booth. "You know anyplace nearby?"

 

[musicankane]

Jake waved at the ticket taker, no longer caring about the golf course. He smiled at Ashley and nodded, "I know just the place." He told her with a wink.

Ten minutes later they had beers in front of them at O'Mally's. Jake loved it here, the pub tlwas Irish but the countless televisions said it was a sports bar. Either way the chili fires were good and the beer was cold. Plus there was Body Shot night which was the best night to come. Jake might not have a girlfriend but drunk chicks let anyone suck some liquor off their bellies.

Body shot night was happening right now as a group of college kids did bodies shots off each other in the corner. Jake pointed and told Ashley, "See now that is a good time right there."

 

[dirtyashley]

Ashley raised a skeptical eyebrow as she looked at Jake, and then laughed. It didn't really matter to her if he had brought her here knowing it was body shot night or not. It was a good bit better than playing mini-golf and it would get a big reaction from the show when they heard they had come here.

"Thirsty?" she said, winking at him, as she made her way to the bar.

"Shot of jack," she told the bartender, who was looking at her hopefully. She threw it back and winced. Then she smiled. Now she was drunk enough to hop up on the bar and lay back, as the college boys swarmed.

 

[musicankane]

Jake was shocked to see her hop up on the bar. He moved over to watch and wonder if she would let him have a drink off her iron flat stomach. The college guys took notice quick and moved over like a heard of cattle. Ashley aas hotter than the average chick by far and any chance to get their mouths on her would be a welcome treat.

Jake motioned for a shot for himself and waited for Ashley's invitation to pour it on her belly or breasts. He shivered at the idea of sucking liquor from her tits. Theys looked like amazing tits.

 

[dirtyashley]

Ashley smiled as she lay back on the bar, glad that she had dressed carefully. Yes, the guys at the end of the bar would get a clear look up her skirt, and they'd see a basic black cotton thong, nothing fancy. Meanwhile, she pulled her top up to just below her breasts, giving Jake her belly to play with. Harmless enough, she thought, and everyone was enjoying themselves.

She took a deep breath and gently flexed her abs, trying to make a deep pool of her navel that he could pour his shot into.

 

[musicankane]

Jake felt his mouth water as she lifted her shirt up to below her breasts. She stomach was amazing, firm, flat and toned. She flexed her abs and created the perfect fleshy cup for his shot of JD. "You know you're hot enough to set people on fire right?"

He didn't wait for her to change her mind though, bending over her belly and pouring his shit onto her belly. Instantly his mouth was on her skin and he sucked up the alcohol eagerly, licking up her stomach as he went to drag out tasting her soft sweet skin just a little longer.

He grinned at her and said, "You make Jack Daniels taste so much better than a Coke ever could."

 

[dirtyashley]

Ashley help perfectly still as he licked her belly, shivering as his tongue brushed against her sweetly.

"Better keep me away from open flames," she whispered. She bit her lip to stop from squirming a little as his chin tickled her. When he finished, she stretched languidly out on the bar and smiled at him.

"That's because I'm all natural," she giggled, sitting up slowly.

 

[musicankane]

Jake stayed close as she sat up so their faces would be close. He smiled softly at her, "No artificial flavors of preservative in you huh?" He asked. "No wonder organic is supposed to be the best stuff."

Before he pulled away he gave her a quick kiss. A gentle brush of his lips against hers and he smiled again, "Organic indeed."

 

[dirtyashley]

"Sure, if you prefer organic," she said, and then he kissed her.

Ashley slid off the bar and pulled a couple of napkins to clean the residue of spit and whiskey off her belly, her cheeks flushed red. There was no pretending that he hadn't just stolen a kiss. It wasn't a big deal, except that she had been sent on this date as a job, and she had made up her mind that nothing was going to happen. Except suddenly she wasn't sure if her mind really was made up.

 

[musicankane]

Jake moved aside and let Ashley clean herself off with the napkins while he ordered them a couple more beers. As she tossed the napkins on the counter he gave her a beer, and clinked the glass necks together. "To a pretty decent night." He said with a smile. "I didn't expect to have nearly as much fun with you as I actually am Ashley. Thanks for this."

He slumped back against the counter and watched the body shot night continue in the corner with cheers and hoots from the college crowd. "Sometimes I miss college. But then I remember I wasn't very fun, and didn't even get a girlfriend until senior year. And she was a fucking bitch....actually fuck college."