Darkness To Light A Story of Remembrance(closed for heartofcourage)

[nyghtcaller205]

Shawn could feel his body shudder and his head pounded like there were a thousand cannons going off inside of it. Everything was in total darkness and he was suddenly very frightened. He also was having trouble hearing as everything was muffled like he was underwater.

It was then he realized his eyes were closed but why couldn't he open them? "What the hell", he thought as he actually had to concentrate on opening his eyelids. When they finally did open he instantly wished that he had kept them closed. His eyes burned with pain like someone sticking hot needles into each pupil and he closed them immediately

The pain caused him to jerk violently which in turn caused new pains to erupt throughout his body. Sweat beaded up on his forehead and he felt it run down his cheek. Confused and scared he finally opened his eyes just a bit this time the light shot between the lids and burned but not as bad now. He tried to focus but was unable to figure out where he was.

 

[heartofcourage]

Jane could remember the moment that she’d gotten the call. The police had informed her that her husband had been in an accident, one that was bad enough that he might not make it. All she could think about was her last words to him before he stormed out of the house that night.

“I wish you would man up and act like a husband. All you are is a little boy…”

Her last words to him should have been I love you. She should have told him that she cared deeply about him. Instead she and Shawn had been in the worst fight of their relationship. She had always wanted children, her dream to be a mother, and at 35 she felt like that dream was slipping through her fingers. Shawn, younger than her by a few years, had been the light of her life since she’d met him that first night at the neighborhood bar. They were there to watch football, but she only had eyes for the handsome man that had settled on the barstool next to her.

Less than six months after that night, they were married. They had been happy, blissful almost, and their friends would remark that they were perfect together. Still, the cracks had appeared a year into their wedding and now approaching their five year anniversary, she didn’t know if they would survive. He was too immature, too selfish, too much like a teenager for her. She found herself being his mother instead of being his wife and lover.

But sitting there in the hospital room, his hand held tightly between hers, she wished that they could start over. She wanted to see his handsome smile. She wanted to watch his eyes gaze into hers as he laughed. She wanted all of that back.

Tears dripped from her crystal blue eyes, her nose bright red from crying. Her curly red hair was pulled back in her usual ponytail. She had never seen herself as a great beauty, but in Shawn’s eyes she could believe that she was the most beautiful woman in the world. He always said that her body was amazing, which she could never see. Her hips were too big, her breasts too small and her belly always had that extra five pounds that was too stubborn to go away.

“Oh, Shawn, please wake up.” She murmured again for the hundredth time.

 

[nyghtcaller205]

Shawn could hear a woman's voice off in the distance desperately calling to him. It was a pained voice and it sounded as if she was pleading with him to do something but what? "Yes he thought wake up", that was what the voice was asking him to do.

Tentatively Shawn opened his eyes once more but this time the pain was diminished in fact it was more of discomfort than a real pain. His head still hurt for sure but at least he could see. He looked to his side and saw a woman with beautiful blue eyes and she appeared upset and there were streaks of dried tears on her cheeks. He didn't know who this woman was but she was beautiful of that there was no doubt almost as if she was an angel sent to do what he had no idea.

He felt her holding his hand and looked down and she clutched his hand like it was her only life line. His gaze moved back to her face and a few confused images of her and a man on a beach wearing shorts and a tee shirt over a bikini top. The two were playing chase and she ran with the football while the man gave chase. The man was about 6 foot, well defined muscles covered his frame though the man didn't have a washboard set of abs he wasn't sporting a beer belly either. His skin was tanned and his hair was a strawberry blonde color.

The two were laughing and having so much fun that it could be a scene from some romantic movie. The images suddenly blurred away and was replaced by a semi-dark room that he finally recognized to be a hospital. It was clear now as various monitors and machines hummed or beep behind him and he was in a hospital bed complete with side safety rails.

The woman was still at his side and holding his hand while her head was hung low almost as if in defeat. Shawn realized that she didn't yet know he was awake so with no idea what to say he simply squeezed her hand tight in his own.

 

[heartofcourage]

The moment that Jane felt Shawn squeeze her hand, she stopped. It took a moment to register what had just happened and she slowly lifted her head to look at her husband. She had never seen a more welcome sight than that of his eyes looking at her. She sucked in a quick breath, smiling at him as a fresh wave of tears made their presence known.

“Oh, Shawn…” She said as she let go of his hand and carefully wrapped him in the tightest hug she could muster. “Baby, I thought I had lost you forever. I’m sorry for all the things I said to you.”

She was blubbering like a idiot, but she couldn’t put into words how much she was thankful that he hadn’t died. Her fingers ran through his blonde hair as she pulled away and looked down into his slightly confused and dazed gaze.

"Can you talk to me, Shawn?" She asked softly, wondering what kind of problems they'd be dealing with that stemmed from the injury he'd suffered to his head.

 

[nyghtcaller205]

The woman at his bedside started talking and her words came out rushed almost frantic. He looked up her and saw concern but also joy in her face.

Did she call him, "baby" he wondered?

Shawn opened his mouth to speak his throat dry and brittle he tried to speak the words being cut off. Shawn swallowed hard and managed a simple, "Who are you?"

 

[heartofcourage]

Jane stopped in her tracks as Shawn spoke, asking her who she was. She knew that there was the possibility that he could wake up with some sort of neurological problems. Never did she fathom that he wouldn’t know who she saw. As calmly as possible, she reached across to the nightstand next to his bed and picked up the ice chips that the nurse had left during her last visit.

She picked one up between her thin fingers and pressed it to his lips, watching as he took it and sucked on the piece of ice for moisture. She placed the cup back down and let out a long sigh, wondering just what she should tell him.

“Shawn, my name is Jane. I’m your wife.” She said softly, her blue eyes turning back towards his. “We’ve been married for almost five years, baby.”

 

[nyghtcaller205]

Shawn might have been confused but he still knew a troubled face when he saw one. The woman must have heard his dry voice and the way it sounded like sandpaper when he spoke. She reached over and took some ice chips holding them to his lips. The ice began to melt and trickle down his throat instantly beginning to soothe the raw flesh.

Then if waking up not knowing where you were, what had happened and who the stranger at your bedside was what he heard next hammered at him.

“Shawn, my name is Jane. I’m your wife.”

Trying to sit upright in bed he ignored the pain, "What? Your my wife? How is it possible I don't remember any this? Why am I in the hospital?"

The rapid fire staccato of questions burst from his mouth and his eyes tracked wildly about the room. Fear and panic finally taking hold of him and he squeezed her hand tightly. Shawn searched for something in his brain that would spark some recognition and was only to barely recall the vision of her on the beach.

"So he must of been the man chasing her", he thought.

 

[heartofcourage]

“Shawn, calm down.” Jane said softly, trying to calm him as he sat up in bed, his questions overwhelming as his eyes tracked around the room. “Sweetheart, the nurses are going to be upset if you are so worked up and they’ll make me leave.”

She squeezed his hand back, feeling his fear as he searched for something to hold on to. Very slowly, she got him to lay back on the bed. She stroked her fingers through his hair like a mother trying to calm a fearful child as her clear blue eyes stared down into his.

“Shawn Johnson, we got married five years ago. Remember? It was pouring down rain and your car broke down on the way to the ceremony. We started nearly two hours late and you were still soaking wet, but I had never seen a more handsome man in all of my life.” Her voice was slow and soothing, hoping that he would calm. “You were so nervous that you couldn’t get my ring on my finger.”

She smiled at the memory of his shaking hands, his hair slicked back and wet as he looked at her with that sheepish grin of his. “Baby, you were in an accident. You totaled your car and hit your head. You’ve been in a coma for a few days.”

 

[nyghtcaller205]

The woman who said she was his wife was attempting to calm him down and slowly Shawn was able to fight down the wave's of panic and fear. His breathing returned to normal as her fingers began running through his hair.

He lay back made himself relax and take a deep breath as he looked up at this woman or his wife as she claimed.

As she began telling of their wedding day and how he had arrived not only late but soaked he tried to picture it in his mind. Instead another image of her but this one was in a bar and there was a football. No they were watching football and she was sitting on the bar stool beside him.

"I remember" he started, "I remember a football game at a bar and you were there with me watching it." He paused and his forehead furrowed in concentration, "We talked more than we watched the game and then we left but you didn't go home with me."

He looked at her once more confused as to why his wife didn't go home with him? "In the wreck was anyone else hurt or" he didn't even want to think about this next part, "die"?

 

[heartofcourage]

“That’s where we first met.” Jane said with a smile, pleased that he could at least remember something of their life together. “We were there to watch the game with our friends and we ended up talking all night. We went on our first date the next night.”

She could remember their first date clearly. He had taken her out for dinner and a movie. Something so cliché, but she remembered holding his hand the entire time and knowing that he was someone extremely special. She took his hand then, clenching it tightly as he looked at her confused and asked if anyone was hurt in the wreck.

“No, sweetheart. It was just you. You were going too fast and missed a corner. You totaled your car.” She said softly, hoping that he found some relief in the fact that he hadn’t killed anyone.

 

[nyghtcaller205]

Shawn listened to her explain how they met and then the story of his car wreck. Upon hearing that no one else was hurt or had died his body slumped with relief. His heart ached however because it was obvious that this woman loved and cared for him deeply and he felt like she was a stranger.

Raising his eyes to meet hers he spoke softly, "Jane I don't remember much just some images of you and I at the bar and on a beach playing chase with a football. But you have obviously stood by my side during what must have been a horrible ordeal for you."

He paused swallowing hard to moisten his throat, "I can never thank you enough for that but I promise that I will do whatever it takes to regain those memories and if those are lost forever then I would like the chance to make new ones. I just have two questions right now for you."

This time before he spoke he looked her directly in the eyes with tears of his own welling up and emotions threatening to over take him. "When can you take me home and do we have any children?"

His voice was shaky but his emotion was clear as was the hope that echoed in his words as he asked about having children. For the first time since awakening his eyes shined bright and full of life.

 

[heartofcourage]

Jane was a little stunned by all that Shawn was saying. This wasn’t the man that had stormed out of their house just a few days earlier. That Shawn was so pessimistic and angry. This one seemed almost hopeful of their future and appreciative of all that she had done for him. She wondered if she should even tell him what the state of their marriage was.

“Shawn…there’s things that I think you need to know.” She said softly, taking his hand and holding it tightly. “Our marriage wasn’t always a happy one. We both had faults but you left the house that night so angry. You had told me you needed your space…you didn’t want children nor would you ever want them.”

Jane blew out a breath at the memory of her husband’s denial. Being a mother had been the only thing she’d ever truly wanted in life and Shawn, while he talked about a family, was the kind of man that was living for himself. He liked his own hobbies. He didn’t want distractions.

“Sweetheart, I love you with all of my heart. I truly do and I would love to take you home and care for you, but I think it would be best if you thought about what you wanted for a while. I don’t want to force you into anything.”

 

[nyghtcaller205]

The news that their marriage hadn't been perfect was not totally shocking as many people go through some issues in marriage. But that he had stormed out after an argument the night of his wreck hurt him.

He didn't know why he was angry or even if it was even her he was truly angry with but what if he hadn't of survived. All the thoughts of him walking out like that instantly vanished with her next revelation.

He had actually told her he didn't nor did he ever want children? The first thing that popped into his mind was, "I'm a selfish prick."

Jon pulled her hand into his own stroking the back of it with one hand and looked up at her.

"I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry I walked out like that, I'm sorry I was being a selfish asshole. What I'm not sorry about is that you are still here and for that I'm grateful! I don't truly remember you or can I honestly say I know you. Hell, I don't even know your favorite color or what type of music you enjoy. I feel as if I meeting you for the first time again. But for whatever reason causes us to fall in love is happening all over again. I have no idea why I would tell you that I didn't want children nor can I imagine walking out during an argument like that. But perhaps this entire accident is a chance to start over. Call it a reset or something but I have no memories and it appears I did it wrong the first time I would like a chance to get it right this time."

Emotion was evident in his voice and on his face and though he honestly could not say he was in love with her he did see why he had married her and knew he could easily fall in love all over again.

 

[heartofcourage]

Jane was hesitant as Shawn spilled his very emotion into a declaration that he could fall in love with her all over again. Did he really mean that? They had said some truly awful things to one another during their fight and she didn’t know what he would think if he suddenly remembered that. She wanted to tell him no, that they needed their space, but she couldn’t find it in her heart to do that.

“Guess you get to find everything out about me all over again.” She said with a slight smile as she leaned in and carefully hugged her husband tightly. “I love you, Shawn. With all my heart.”

She kissed his cheek and pressed her forehead tightly to his, looking into his eyes for a long moment as she tried to think of what their future would be like. He didn’t remember anything about their life together. He didn’t remember their wedding. He didn’t remember their honeymoon. He probably didn’t even remember what their address was. All of that would have to relearned all over again.

 

[nyghtcaller205]

When he heard his wife say that he had his chance Shawn's face broadened in a wide grin. They sat there for a long moment with their foreheads pressing together, staring into each others eyes. He searched within those eyes and then he was no longer looking into them.

Reality shifted for Shawn and they were in a kitchen and Jane was cooking something. Shawn saw himself enter the room and walk over to her taking her into her arms and kissing her softly. She didn't resist but after a few minutes she scolded him wriggle free of his embrace, "Shawn stop that baby you know I have to finish this and get dressed before they arrive."

Shawn watched himself wipe flour from her nose playfully. The moment was interrupted by an electronic ringing and he saw himself reach into his pocket and remove a phone. He glanced down at it and pressed a button before returning it to his pocket a momentary scowl on his face.

Shawn was suddenly back in the hospital his wife looking at him slightly confused. "It's alright just another flashback is all. I don't know but I bet that is a good sign." He wondered who had called that pissed him off but shrugged it off as it didn't seem that important just some random moment in his forgotten life.

"So when did the doctor say I could get out of here. I want to go see where we live."

 

[heartofcourage]

“I don’t know. We can ask when he comes in to check you.” Jane said softly, her fingers running through her husband’s hair once more. “Don’t force those memories to come back, Shawn. They’ll come back in time. We’ll just focus on getting you healthy again.”

It was about that time that the doctor walked in, looking surprised that Shawn was actually awake and active. “Mr. Johnson, it’s good to see you awake. I’m Dr. Sanders. I’ve been with you since you first came in.”

The woman was kind with a smile that was warm and calming. She did her examination of Shawn, a little concerned about the memory loss, but it seemed that there would be no other long term effects. “You were very lucky, Mr. Johnson. You should have died in that crash. If it weren’t for the 911 caller, you probably would have.”

 

[nyghtcaller205]

The news of someone calling 911 that had remained unidentified seemed somewhat strange to Shawn. But maybe they were simply a passerby or perhaps they had left after the ambulance and police arrived.

The doctor would give him a few more tests that day and if all looked well he would be allowed to go home the following morning. Shawn was so ready to get out of here even if he had no idea where he was going. His wife appeared happy but something really seemed to be bothering her and he couldn't place his finger on it.

That evening they received word that all looked well and he was free to leave come morning.

It was then that Shawn asked his wife about the 911 caller, "Who called 911 any idea?"

 

[heartofcourage]

“No idea, Shawn. It was a woman but by the time the police had arrived, she was gone.” Jane said softly as she took his hand and held it tightly. She owed a debt to the woman that had called 911 though. If she hadn’t been there, Shawn would be dead.

The next day, Shawn was released into her care by the hospital staff. She was given several prescriptions that he was suppose to take and she filled those on the way home. Shawn had always hated her car. It was a sensible four door sedan, one that she had been driving for nearly ten years now. He always preferred fast cars with a lot of flash over her little clunky beige one. Still, as she bundled him into the front seat, she wondered if he even remembered that.

After she had picked up his pills, she started on the way home. Driving past the little houses in their neighborhood, she looked at him from time to time, wondering if anything would spark his thoughts. When she pulled up in their drive, next to the two bedroom brick starter home they shared, she prayed that he would remember only the good times that they had there and not the bad.

 

[nyghtcaller205]

He had finally been released and Shawn could already feel his muscle getting some of their strength back. It wasn't like he had been unconscious for that long so his muscles were more stiff than anything.

Shawn didn't speak much on the drive home as he took in everything around him hoping it would jog some memory.

They pulled into a neat looking brick home with a small but very well kept yard. There were roses and other various flowers planted about and the grass was cut someone had spent some time out here. Shawn just wasn't sure if it was his wife, himself or perhaps they hired someone. It didn't really matter and Shawn got out of the car.

Shawn didn't have much to bring home as he had spent his hospital stay in a gown and Jane grabbed his bag and led him up the stairs. She opened the door but Shawn just stood there looking hoping something would come back to him and once again he drew a blank just like he did on the way home.

Stepping inside Shawn found a tidy house that appeared very cozy and a place that he could be happy. Jane was heading to the bedroom and he called to her, "Jane".

 

[heartofcourage]

Jane paused on her way to the bedroom, Shawn’s bag in her hand. She turned and looked at her husband as he stood in the front entry like he was in a daze, the expression on his face both hopeful and frustrated as he waited for something to fire in his brain, returning the memories back to him that he had so recently lost. She placed his bag on the floor and made her way back towards him.

“Yes, babe?” She asked him, her hand touching his shoulder as she came up next to him, the warmth of his body seeping into her palm as she waited for him to speak.

 

[nyghtcaller205]

"Jane I know you said in the hospital that the night of the accident we had been in a terrible fight. That words were said in anger that I stormed out. I was just wondering if you were alright with me staying in the same room with you immediately. This can't be easy on you as it just occurred to me. I'm making a fresh start with virtually no memories but that isn't true for you. Are you good with all of this?"

The words tumbled out fast and furious as he was afraid she would cut him off before he could get it out. He wanted to sleep in the bed with his wife but he had to know she wanted him there as well. The fight was still fresh to her and "what was she feeling now", he wondered?

 

[heartofcourage]

Jane was taken back that he was asking her what their sleeping arrangement would be. She hadn’t really thought about it. Some nights he didn’t come to their room. Most nights they slept on opposite ends of the bed. There hadn’t been intimacy in months. This new version of Shawn seemed willing to work things out, but Jane had long ago learned how to guard her heart against her husband.

“You can still sleep with me, Shawn. I’m not going to turn you away from your own bed.” She said with a smile that wasn’t quite sincere as she leaned in and kissed his cheek. “I’m going to go start some laundry. Why don’t you get comfortable and then I’ll start us some lunch.”

 

[nyghtcaller205]

When Shawn heard that Jane was fine with him sharing her bedroom, "No our bedroom" he thought he gave her a reassuring smile. Though he did sense some indecision there within her.

Jane disappeared into the house as Shawn took a long look around the room. He saw pictures of them together on a dresser and walked over staring at it for a long a moment. They were seated on a large rock with a small stream in the background. Searching his memory he was unable to place the location and had no memory of the photo. But one thing did stand out to him in the picture, her smile was one of pure happiness. It wasn't forced as he realized now she had been doing for the last day or so.

He began to grasp the full state of his marriage. He didn't know the particulars but there was problems there and he had no idea of how to solve them. "He couldn't remember their fucking wedding how could he fix their marriage", he wondered?

Emotion overwhelmed Shawn and he sat on the bed clutching the photo and tears fell freely down his cheek. Taking a deep breath he attempted to get himself under control as he didn't want Jane to see him like this.

He walked out of the bedroom and found her in the kitchen preparing them some lunch. He wasn't even sure what to say anymore, how to carry on simple conversation with this woman.

A small plan formed in his mind, "Jane I was wondering if we might go sometime to the bar where we met perhaps it might jog some memories?"

 

[heartofcourage]

Jane had been slicing an onion to add to the fajitas she was making. She paused mid strike with her nice as Shawn found his way into the kitchen and suggested that they go to the bad where they met. She looked at him curiously, tilting her head to one side. The last time she had suggested that, he had reacted almost violently. He hadn’t wanted to go there, had told her that it was pointless when they could simply drink a beer at home.

“You haven’t wanted to go there for months, Shawn.” She said softly as she tried to figure out who this man was and what he had done with her husband. “You said it was too expensive and we could just as easily drink a beer here.”

She bit her tongue thought, knowing that he didn’t remember anything. He simply wanted to make those connections to the life that he couldn’t even think back on. She let out a long sigh, turning back to her onions as she thought about what he was asking of her.

“I guess we could. How about tomorrow night?” She asked him over her shoulder.

 

[nyghtcaller205]

"Wow I must have been a being a real jerk to say that." He looked at Jane half serious and half joking though he tried to wrap his mind around the truth as why he hadn't wanted to go.

When she agreed to go Shawn walked over to her and placed his hand over the one chopping onions stopping her.

"Jane look I know things weren't' good between us besides what you told me I can see it in your eyes. I want to change that look to one of happiness Jane I'm just not sure what I need to do yet. But tomorrow night sounds great and perhaps a good start in the healing process for both of us."

He stood there wanting to take her into his arms and hug her tightly but was afraid of how she might take it. He certainly didn't want her to get the idea he was expecting sex anytime soon. But he did yearn for some physical contact with this woman.