Dance, Damn Ya! (C&P)

[REDWAVE]

I found this amusing:


New York Times
Bush Gives Iraqis 48 Hours to Dance in Streets
By Alex Byrdman

President Bush, evidently growing impatient with the pace of the Iraqi liberation and the attitude of
the Iraqi citizens, has issued a new ultimatum, only this time it's to the Iraqi people themselves.

"I'm a patient man" said the President at a hastily called news conference, "but there are limits to
my patience. We've been bombing the daylights out of these people for a more than week and I
haven't seen a single one of them dancing in the streets to celebrate their liberation."

"We have pursued the liberation of Iraq at great cost to America in terms of lives and treasure and
as yet the Iraqi people have thus far refused to welcome us in the manner that Richard Perle and
William Kristol have assured me that they would. We've shocked. We've awed. We've knocked
down their buildings and blown up those little marketplaces that they shop in. We've even tried a
decapitation. We done the things that all good liberators do and not only have these ungrateful
people refused to overthrow Saddam they haven't danced, they haven't put any rose petals in the
streets. Nothing. In fact they've even been shooting back at us and thus further delaying the hour
of their liberation. I don't know what else we could have done to win these people over but the
time for patience is running out. I'm tired of trying to win the hearts and minds of people who
refuse to see that a ten year occupation by the infidel is a good deal for them, for their children and
for a sizable number of American corporations."

"In view of these circumstances I feel that I have no choice but to tell the Iraqi people that they
must dance in the streets and express their jubilant gratitude to me and our troops within 48 hours
or face the most serious of consequences. I have ordered a mass air drop into the city of Baghdad.
We will be supplying little American flags for the people to wave, flowers to throw at our soldiers,
and for those whose dancing skills are rusty after years of Saddam's oppression we are dropping
dance videos in both VHS and DVD format. Those who have no electricity due to the bombing
can share a video with someone who does. But there will be dancing and there will be celebration
in Baghdad or there will be a high price to pay. I've said from the start that the Iraqi people are not
our enemy but now the choice is theirs. They either dance or they've seen the last of Mr. Nice
Guy. God picked me to be the liberator of the Iraqis and He wants to see some dancing."

The President allowed no questions but several of the stunned reporters said that they heard him
mutter "level the place" under his breath as he left the podium. At his regular press briefing later in
the day Ari Fleischer said that the President has been under a good deal of stress since the start of
the war and may need to visit his ranch in Crawford, Texas to deal with an emergency buildup of
brush. When asked by Helen Thomas whether the President was feeling underappreciated
Fleischer said that despite rejections by Frenchmen, Germans, Russians and now Iraqis the
President was holding up well and would be personally supervising the flag, flower and video drop
which would be commencing within the hour.









© 2001 - 2003 Democratic Underground, LLC

 

[HeavyStick]

I found this amusing:




© 2001 - 2003 Democratic Underground, LLC

Yeah that copyright is a crowd pleaser everytime.

 

[Problem Child]

Thing is...it's really not even funny.

 

[HeavyStick]

Thing is...it's really not even funny.

This is the same guy who pissed himself and did barrell rolls when 9/11 happened.

 

[teddybear4play]

That wasn't funny, either.

TB4p

 

[Thrillhouse]

It was kinda funny. I thought maybe it was from The Onion.

THIS is from The Onion:

Government No Longer Even Bothering To Hide
Halliburton Favors
WASHINGTON, DC—With last week's announcement that it will award Halliburton a lucrative contract to put out Iraqi oil-well fires after the war, the U.S. government has officially stopped trying to hide its favoritism toward the Houston-based company. "When we first started cutting Halliburton sweetheart deals, we'd worry about how it would look, with Dick Cheney being their former CEO and all," White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said. "Somewhere along the line, though, we just kind of said, 'Ah, fuck it.'" Fleischer added that Halliburton has something "real juicy" coming its way when the U.S. invades Iran in July 2004.


This, too:


WASHINGTON, DC—Following a 12th consecutive day of fighting, a puzzled President Bush confided to military advisors Monday that he "really figured the war would be over by now."

"It's been almost two weeks," said Bush, commander-in-chief of the 255,000 U.S. troops currently in the Persian Gulf. "What's taking so long? Will the Iraqi regime just topple, already?"

Though Bush has repeatedly declined making public comment on the expected duration of the war, in private he has expressed annoyance with the way the invasion is "dragging on."

"I knew the war would require courage and fortitude on the part of American people," Bush said. "What I didn't know was that it would go on for days and days and days."

Though Bush said that receiving reports from U.S. field commanders was thrilling at first, he has grown tired of the repetitive updates.

"The first couple days were really exciting," Bush said. "I was having all sorts of cool strategy meetings with these high-level military men I don't usually talk to, and it all felt very historic. But now, it's gotten to be kind of a monotonous grind. It's always, 'The line has advanced this much.' 'We need to wait for backup here.' 'We're making good progress, but it's been complicated by blah blah blah.' It's all these tedious, same-sounding details. Can I hear something new for a change, like 'They surrender,' or 'Saddam's dead'? Something—anything but more stupid reports of sandstorms."

Though he is proud of the nation's military, Bush said he doesn't understand why it can't speed things up a bit.

"I don't think my dad's war took this long, and we've got much better weapons now," Bush said. "I talked to him on the phone the other day and, although he didn't say it, I could tell he was disappointed that I'm not doing it faster than him."

On Sunday, Bush called Gen. Richard Myers, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, to discuss the war's progress.

"I didn't complain about how slow it's going, because I know he's working hard and wants to conquer Iraq as much as I do," Bush said. "But I did sort of hint that the faster we win, the more impressive our military will look to the world. So hopefully that'll light a fire under him."

Bush asked Myers for a "guesstimate" regarding the length of the war, but the general said he couldn't give one. Myers also denied the president's subsequent request for "even a rough guesstimate."

Bush said "it was fun to be in charge of a war and stay up all night," but the fatigue is starting to set in.

"I haven't gotten more than seven hours of sleep a night since I gave Saddam the 48 hours," Bush said. "I thought I'd get to play a few games of golf when we went to Camp David two weekends ago, but we worked the entire time."

Bush's staff has noted his rising level of irritation.

"I know George thinks it should be over, but he's got to realize that this is a complicated thing," National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice said. "He doesn't have to keep snapping at us."

According to Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, Bush continually finds excuses to slip away from briefings, even resorting to ringing his own secure phone for a fake "emergency."

"We've been going easier on him the last few days," Wolfowitz said. "At first, we informed him of every new development, because that's what he wanted. Now, we pretty much limit it to the essentials."

 

[REDWAVE]

Bush leads the troops

I thought the one where Bush personally leads the 3rd Inf. into battle was pretty funny, too.

 

[Thrillhouse]

This one, too.

DEAD IRAQI WOULD HAVE LOVED DEMOCRACY

BAGHDAD, IRAQ—Baghdad resident Taha Sabri, killed Monday in a U.S. air strike on his city, would have loved the eventual liberation of Iraq and establishment of democracy, had he lived to see it, his grieving widow said.

"Taha was a wonderful man, a man of peace," his wife Sawssan said. "I just know he would have been happy to see free elections here in Iraq, had that satellite-guided Tomahawk cruise missile not strayed off course and hit our home."

A shoemaker and father of five, Sabri, 44, was listening to the radio at 3 a.m. when a missile launched from a U.S. warship in the Persian Gulf veered off course and struck just feet from his house. Sawssan was away at the time, tending to an ailing aunt in the Baghdad suburb of Mansour.

"My husband was no fan of Saddam," Sawssan said. "He felt he was a terrible despot. If the Americans do drive him from power, it will be that much more of a shame that they killed Taha."

 

[Thrillhouse]

This is quickly devolving into an all-Onion thread. I'd apologize, but this is so much fun.

U.S. FORMS OWN U.N.


WASHINGTON, DC—Frustrated with the United Nations' "consistent, blatant regard for the will of its 188 member nations," the U.S. announced Monday the formation of its own international governing body, the U.S.U.N.

"The U.N. has repeatedly demonstrated an inability to act decisively in carrying out actions the U.S. government deems necessary," U.S.U.N. Secretary General Colin Powell said. "Every time we tried to get something accomplished, it inevitably got bogged down in procedural policies, bureaucratic formalities, and Security Council votes."

"I predict the U.S.U.N. will be extremely influential in world politics in the coming decades," Powell continued. "In fact, you can count on it."

The new organization will be based in Houston, where a $400 million U.S.U.N. Building is currently under construction. The U.S.U.N. Charter, ratified unanimously by delegates in a four-minute vote Monday, sets forth the mission of the organization as "the proliferation of peace and international economic, social, and humanitarian progress through deference to the U.S."

"The U.S.U.N. resembles the original in almost every way, right down to all the flags outside our headquarters," said Condoleezza Rice, a U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N. "This organization will carry out peacekeeping missions all over the world, but, unlike the U.N., these missions will not be compromised by the threat of opposition by lesser nations."

In its first act, the U.S.U.N. Security Council unanimously backed a resolution to liberate Iraq's people and natural resources from the rule of Saddam Hussein.

"We gave the old U.N. a go for I don't know how many years, but it just wasn't working," said Dick Cheney, a U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N. "Really, I have no idea what we were doing sacrificing all that power and autonomy in exchange for a couple of lousy troops from New Zealand."

Added Cheney: "I can't tell you how much easier it is to achieve consensus when you don't have to worry about dissent."

Cheney, along with Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Tom Ridge, and George W. Bush, make up the five permanent members of the 15-person U.S.U.N. Security Council.

"The five Security Council members have veto power to block U.S.U.N. resolutions for military action," Rumsfeld said. "Not that anyone would, but it's nice to have, nonetheless."

According to Powell, in spite of the fact that delegates hail from every corner of the U.S., General Assembly meetings have been refreshingly free of rancor.

"We've got Bill Frist from Tennessee, Tom DeLay from Texas, and Dennis Hastert from way up in Illinois," U.S.U.N. delegate Rick Santorum said. "Despite the diverse backgrounds of the delegates, cooperation has not been a problem—unlike at some outmoded, gridlocked international peacekeeping bodies I could name."

The official U.S.U.N. language is English. The official religion is Christianity.

 

[Guest]

Now this is good

God Bless the U.S.A.
by Lee Greenwood
If tomorrow all the things were gone
I'd worked for all my life,
And I had to start again
with just my children and my wife,
I'd thank my lucky stars
to be living here today,
'Cause the flag still stands for freedom
and they can't take that away.
I'm proud to be an American
where at least I know I'm free,
And I won't forget the men who died
who gave that right to me,
And I gladly stand up next to you
and defend her still today,
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land
God Bless the U.S.A.
From the lakes of Minnesota
to the hills of Tennessee,
Across the plains of Texas
from sea to shining sea.
From Detroit down to Houston
and New York to L.A.,
There's pride in every American heart
and it's time we stand and say:
I'm proud to be an American
where at least I know I'm free,
And I won't forget the men who died
who gave that right to me,
And I gladly stand up next to you
and defend her still today,
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land
God Bless the U.S.A.

 

[Thrillhouse]

Now this is good

Actually, it sucks, even for country music.

 

[p_p_man]

Thing is...it's really not even funny.

I know. It's sad, very sad that Bush is portrayed in satire as he really is in life...

ppman

 

[REDWAVE]

Poor George

I really don't think he has a clue of the forces he set in motion with this war.

 

[Guest]

Actually, it sucks, even for country music.

That just shows you have no taste at all

 

[REDWAVE]

LMCAO!

That just shows you have no taste at all

That's really rich. You endorse some mindless drivel, and then accuse Thrillhouse of having no taste.