Damn this really hurts

[Patryn]

I'm really kinda hurting right now and I just wanted to vent, it's OK if no one replies to this. It'll make me feel better....maybe.

A couple of years ago, I went through some really hard times. It was an act that was my fault that started it, but I just plain and simple had shitty luck after that.

During that time I made a very good friend through work, let's call him Dan. He didn't judge me on a one mistake or any of the rumors he'd heard, and was there for me when no one else was. Unfortunately, we couldn't spend a lot of time together outside of work because he had 3 young children and lived 40 miles away. He's also friends with my (male) room mate, whom he also worked with.

A few weeks ago, he happened to be in town and stopped by work to see me. You couldn't even begin to imagine how much that meant to me....that he still thought about me after all that time. He told me to call him sometime and we'd get together. I know people often say that 'just to be nice' and don't mean it, but I know Dan, and he wouldn't do that. If he didn't want to see me and just stopped by because he was nosy or bored, he would be blunt enough to say it.

Well, this week I finally have enough time free to catch up with some friends, and he was first on my list. I called him just a little bit ago, and his daughter answered the phone. I asked if he was there. She cheerfully said "Oh yeah!! I remember you!! Hang on, I'll get him". I heard her call for her dad in the background, and say who it was, and then a woman's voice say 'don't worry about it, I'll get it'

The next voice heard, terse and short was "Hi, this is Sue, Dan's wife...can I help you with something?" I just mentioned that my room mate and I would like to get together with him this weekend. "Oh this is a bad weekend, maybe another time"....and then she just hung up. I know she won't give him the message, and I don't know when the next time I see him will be. He'd always told me that she was "edgy" about him having female friends, but my room mate really WOULD have been there, so it's not we'd be "unsupervised". And if she's THAT worried about him cheating, maybe she'd giving him a reason if she's gonna be like that. I suppose I could stop by his work one of these days and meet him after, but I really have no reason to go there, and he'd probably have to pick up his kids or something afterwards, so....

That hurts....I mean it really fucking hurts. I know that he's done nothing to make her think he'd be unfaithful...he's told me time and again if he ever cheated on her, the guilt would kill him. So what's the point other than to be a possessive bitch? I only wanted to see the person who, all those years ago, literally saved my life. Everyone is something to someone, and I guess she fails to realize that. I'd say "too bad for her", but then why am I the one crying?

 

[CreamyLady]

Because you are frustrated and disappointed. You are crying because you hurt.

However, this person is poisoning herself, and her marriage, with her possessiveness. At some point, she just knows she will intercept the wrong call, and her life will fall apart. This is the pain she lives with every day; be glad you don't live with it.

If you can have your roommate call, he might get through. I have no doubt a male has a better chance than a female.

I'm sorry you had this happen to you. It's miserable when you run into someone who is so defensive.

 

[SimplySouthern]

Patryn ~ I'm so sorry you are hurting. I wish there were something I could do or say to make you feel better, but I know there isn't.

One thing you might wanna consider. From reading your post, I kinda got the impression that you felt more for this man than just a friendship. To me, while reading your post, I got the impression that you had/have very strong feelings for this man that may or may not be returned by him.

At any rate, if he did stop by to see you , perhaps you should conisder calling back another day to see if he still wants to get together.

My email is always open...if you wanna talk. I also have IM and ICQ. Please get in touch if you so desire.

 

[Patryn]

Thanks for the support, CL...I guess I'm just going to have to work this through...maybe in a week or 2 I'll have my room mate give it a shot. You're probably right there, and I thought of that before I called. I just didn't think she'd be THAT much of a bitch about it.

"At some point, she just knows she will intercept the wrong call, and her life will fall apart. This is the pain she lives with every day; be glad you don't live with it."

That's the thing. He has given her NO REASON AT ALL to make her think that she'll intercept a call that will make her life fall apart. And after 17 years of marriage, it should be pretty clear to her that it's gonna last.

And SS, yeah, I did and still do have strong feelings for him, but not like you think. He's just a great person...and someone who stuck by me and helped me a lot. I'd be feeling like this if it were a female friend and the same thing had happened with a possessive husband who didn't want her "having a life"...yes, it happens. I have a friend it's happening to right now.

And he DID stop by to see me...I saw him with my own 2 eyes.

Sorry...I'm just pissed and hurt. I'll go have a drink and a bath or something now, maybe I'll feel better when I get back.


[Edited by Patryn on 08-07-2000 at 03:25 PM]

 

[*Eve*]

I understand how you must feel right now. I have never been in this situation but I know people who are in relationships where either they pr their partner as jealous and possessive to the point of crazy. Anyway, I'm sure it's eating at her insides even more. I think the best thing to do in this situation would be to let him seek you out, or send him a letter to his work so that you know that he will receive it.
I know that you two haven't done anything wrong but in the eyes of some people it doesn't always look right when a married man is hanging out with a single woman. I know this may hurt, but let it go, and if your friendship means as much to him as it does to you then he will seek you out. I hope things work out for you.

 

[Wizard]

Boy that sucks , I feel for you and I also agree that you may want to just show up at his work...I wouldn't take a"Bad weekend" as a good anwsere....Or have your roomate get him on the phone for you......

 

[CreamyLady]

Hang in there . . .

The older I get, the more I realize that people don't have to have any reason to feel the way they do; they just do. Clearly, she is never going to trust him, for whatever reason; equally clearly, she will never be completely happy. What a punishment.

I hope everything looks a little better after a bath and something cold.

 

[Skitten]

I am so sorry, but his wife is just very insecure in her relationship. Obviously she has no trust in her husband
he wanted to see you or he wouldn't have come by that much I can see from your post. I think you should maybe get your roomate to contact him and try seeing him that way but calling him you are not going to get a hold of him that is wrong on his wife's part so try another method. You could stop by his work too. Just try not being upset it won't do you any good. He wanted to get in touch just be patient let him know that you want to see him but don't call that will just give her more reason to make you upset try another method. I hope it works out for you he seems like he has helped you so now give it some time it will work out .

 

[Patryn]

Well, I've had a little time to think about this...and I still think it sucks. Now I'm not really hurt any more, I'm just pissed off. I've been in relationships, hell, I've even been engaged. But NEVER did I EVER presume to tell anyone I've been with who they can talk to. Yeah, I've been with some people who've had friends I didn't like, but I realized that I didn't own them either.

What it boils down to is what gives her the right?!?! I hope she realizes that I don't get angry easily, but when I DO get angry, it's for a very good reason. If I ever talk to her, she's going to get quite the earful. And if the situation weren't bad enough, I would call back and do it. No, just kidding on that last part, but it IS tempting, nonetheless.

 

[Nexxus]

Dear Patryn,
This comes from someone who has been both fairly deceptive and deceived. When my wife met me she knew I was a terminal flirt. We fought tooth and nail about this but I held fast that this was who I was and if it caused our relationship to end I would accept responsibility, but I was certain I would not change.
Well I haven't. MOST of my flirtations are harmless. There are times when I meet someone and it is very hard not to see some sparks. ANYWAY....
As far as HE goes, I find it hard to believe that he would give you his HOME number if he wanted to keep you a secret from his wife. She on the other hand might be used to his being friendly to other women and not taking it to another level. MY wife is still very "I don't understand why you have to get so involved with other people." (she things a close knit family exsistence that involves little or no non-relatives is all you need and she cannot stand or phathom telling "strangers" your own intimate thoughts).
My guess, and this is only a guess, is that she probably gave him the message. Questioned him about who you and your roommate are (indirectly, I doubt she would just come out and ask). And he explained the truth (to an extent), that you are the roommate of his friend and he met you and thought you were nice. He probably half heartedly offered for her to meet the two of you and she brushed it off saying no its alright, she okay with him meeting the two of you.
Downplay, downplay, downplay.
I'm admittedly cynical, and I seem to judge all situations by what I see going on around me all the time. But I could be way off.
Either way, enjoy your new friend. If its safe and there is no physical going on, be relaxed about the whole "wife" thing. He gave you his home number so he must not have a problem with you accidently meeting her on the phone.
I'm sure your past this by now, but I hope something here is worthwhile.


Nex

 

[Fallen Angel]

During that time I made a very good friend through work, let's call him Dan. He didn't judge me on a one mistake or any of the rumors he'd heard, and was there for me when no one else was. Unfortunately, we couldn't spend a lot of time together outside of work because he had 3 young children and lived 40 miles away. He's also friends with my (male) room mate, whom he also worked with.

Now Patryn is no secret in the friend's house. The kid answered the phone and said "Oh yeah!! I remember you!! Hang on, I'll get him." Dan knew she was on the phone and let his wife handle it. Duh.

Patryn I am not trying to fuss at you. I am just trying to point out a couple of things. You don't even mention that he has a wife till deep into your post. Is there some reason for that? When you do mention her it is to fuss about how she treated you when you called up for her husband to see if you and your roommate could get together with him. You obviously weren't planning to invite her if the roommate was the extra person. I would be tense too if some guy called up and wanted him and his roommate to go out with my wife.

Now we get to your reaction when she said it was a bad weekend. "And if she's THAT worried about him cheating, maybe she'd giving him a reason if she's gonna be like that. I suppose I could stop by his work one of these days and meet him after..." It sure looks like his visit stirred up more than just friendly feelings in you. I think that you need to do a little soul searching and be honest with yourself.

To answer "What it boils down to is what gives her the right?!?!" 17 years of being his wife and (I am willing to bet) knowing him better than you.

Patryn, Dan came by and saw you and said to call sometime. Nothing wrong with that. You called and his wife said it was a bad weekend. Nothing wrong with that. You getting so upset about not getting to see him first try. Something wrong with that. Why so resentful of not getting to go out with a friend you haven't seen in quite some time?

 

[Patryn]

During that time I made a very good friend through work, let's call him Dan. He didn't judge me on a one mistake or any of the rumors he'd heard, and was there for me when no one else was. Unfortunately, we couldn't spend a lot of time together outside of work because he had 3 young children and lived 40 miles away. He's also friends with my (male) room mate, whom he also worked with.

Now Patryn is no secret in the friend's house. The kid answered the phone and said "Oh yeah!! I remember you!! Hang on, I'll get him." Dan knew she was on the phone and let his wife handle it. Duh.

I get the feeling that's not how it happened. I know that Sue tends to be kind of, how do you say, domineering. If she wanted to get the phone, god dammit, she's going to get the phone. And no, I'm not in denial. I guess you'd have to know her to see this happening.

Patryn I am not trying to fuss at you. I am just trying to point out a couple of things. You don't even mention that he has a wife till deep into your post. Is there some reason for that?

Uh....no, not really. I wanted to explain the situation before I got to what was bothering me.

When you do mention her it is to fuss about how she treated you when you called up for her husband to see if you and your roommate could get together with him. You obviously weren't planning to invite her if the roommate was the extra person. I would be tense too if some guy called up and wanted him and his roommate to go out with my wife.

Well, to each their own, I guess. I don't really see anything innapropriate about it. Dan is friends with my room mate and I. Sue doesn't know him at all, and I've only met her a couple of times. I also know she wouldn't be interested in where we were going to go.

Now we get to your reaction when she said it was a bad weekend. "And if she's THAT worried about him cheating, maybe she'd giving him a reason if she's gonna be like that. I suppose I could stop by his work one of these days and meet him after..." It sure looks like his visit stirred up more than just friendly feelings in you. I think that you need to do a little soul searching and be honest with yourself.

I'm not being honest with myself? I don't mean to be rude, but isn't that being a little presumptuos? Dan and I were, and as far as I know, still are very close....AS FRIENDS. Why is it so damn hard for someone to believe that I can have strong feelings as a friend for someone of the opposite sex without wanting 40 of his kids??? With all due respect, I think I know my feelings better than you do. Dan is married, I respect that. I was upset because Sue took it upon herself to tell me (and Dan) who we can and cannot associate with. THAT'S not right. If she doesn't want him having female friends, they need to talk about him giving out his home number to them. And it wasn't just WHAT she said, it was HOW she said it. Tone of voice can convey a lot.

To answer "What it boils down to is what gives her the right?!?!" 17 years of being his wife and (I am willing to bet) knowing him better than you.

I don't doubt that....but does that make her perfect? If she had some problem with it, she could have come right out and told me. And you sure seem to know a lot about how I'm feeling, now don't you?

Patryn, Dan came by and saw you and said to call sometime. Nothing wrong with that. You called and his wife said it was a bad weekend. Nothing wrong with that. You getting so upset about not getting to see him first try. Something wrong with that. Why so resentful of not getting to go out with a friend you haven't seen in quite some time?

Now I'm a little upset. Dan and I never had an argument. Circumstances preclude us getting together. THAT'S why I haven't seen him a while. Fallen, I don't see how not seeing a friend in a while makes them less of a friend. If I were to not see, say...my mother in a year, is she no longer my mother?

I was upset because I was really looking forward to seeing someone who had played a big part in my life, and is special to me. There is NOTHING wrong with that. All 3 of us are adults. I don't feel we need supervision, or to be told whom we can and can't see. And as I said, I would have felt the same had it been a female friend with a possessive boyfriend or husband.

Maybe I'm just more liberal than you and she are, but I still see no reason for her attitude...hell, or yours. He is married, he initiated contact and told me to call. Apparently he has no problem with it either. So if I don't have a problem with it, and he doesn't have a problem with it, then that would leave....oh, I know...Sue.

 

[Nexxus]

Um...Patryn. If you don't like my post. Feel free just to say "Fuck you nexxus."
I'm way too sensitive!!!
Nex

 

[Patryn]

Sure thing Nex...as long as you promise not to over-analyze mine.

 

[Nexxus]

Not a chance...gulp. I worship you oh Mistr...oh hell, its just too much isn't it.
I felt like I had offered up some not really needed advice with my post, so i'm sorry. But I just thought maybe he was stronger than that and she didn't make the rules. But then I went back and saw it was more about her attitude towards you on the phone and I realized that was something you actually heard and would know first hand, so there would be no mistaking her being out of line. Other than that you sound very together and I hope it is working out. it sounds like "lets just call him Dan" is very nice to you.

Nex

 

[Patryn]

OH!! Nex honey...I thought you meant my reply to Fallen. Yeah, maybe I was harsh to him, but he made a LOT of judgements based on nothing. That's what I meant when I was talking about overanalyzing. No, you're fine. I appreciated the reply.

And don't worry...if I don't like something you say, I'll insult IT, not you.

 

[Gingersnap]

I had a similar experience and it left me feeling very odd.
I thought I should end the friendship because it caused an argument between them. Sometimes people meet and there is a instant connection. I believe from the bottom of my soul that you don't make friends you recognize them. My advice to you is to keep in contact with your friend. It has to be hard on his wife from the standpoint that she doesn't understand why he should need someone else. Chances are you two connected on a similar thought or history or whatever...
The point is that neither one of your partners could fill this space. It does not link each of you sexually but it does intimately. She could be jealous or maybe afraid of what others will say. As long as you both understand the guidelines does it really matter if she understands? I think not. Marriage is a commitment not an ownership.