D/s Vs Abuse, Ignorance, Learning.

[TigerClaw]

There is a very important reason for this thread that I can not go into.

I know that there are a lot of different thoughts on how to approach and be in a D/s relationship. I strongly feel in knowing your hard and soft limits. If you dont know that both of you are careful in finding out by discussion and gradual experimentation. Trust and respect of being able to stop is essential.

I also feel a sub has to be able to express her feelings at some point. A sub who is suppressed or dismissed everytime she tries to say what she liked or disliked is in a dangerous spot. A sub should not have to figure out what it is that you want. A Dom should be guiding her in their lifestyle.

Please post your opinions.

 

[incubus'_sub]

I'm not quite sure what question you are asking.

Yes, we all approach our B&D lifestyles in different ways but overall it's best to treat this type of relationship just like any other. It has to be fulfilling & satisfying for both parties or it's not worth having at all. If you are not happy, feel you are being treated poorly, then leave.

 

[TigerClaw]

lol, I did unfortunately it was my place and had to wait for her exit.

Ok, sorry I am trying to make a point to someone without offering too much info.

When developing a D/s relationship a lot of discussion has to take place as to what both partners are expecting to get out of this. What is allowed, what is not. What is the hard limits and what can be pushed. How did you define these? Did anyone just jump in without a discussion and have a successful relationship? Or were the successful relationships where you both talked?

 

[FungiUg]

I can't imagine ANY kind of successful relationship that doesn't include two-way communication.

Why should a D/s relationship be any different? I mean, the minute you assume things, it just becomes a recipe for disaster.

 

[incubus'_sub]

OK. Apart from the occasional one night stand, any relationship starts with talking about likes & dislikes, shared interests, life goals etc.

If you were looking only for a play partner, then yes, long discussion about limits is probably wise, just to establish whether you'll be able to satify each others play desires.

If you are looking for a life partner, then the limits conversation doesn't have to be done to death. We had one conversation where we placed our cards on the table, but it was more of a "what we don't like" thing rather than a plan of action. Everything else we tried & tested to see if it suited our needs together. Some things worked, some didn't.

There would have been no point in trying to define my limits at that stage. I knew I was a sub, but had little experience with the actual play practices. The only really important thing to be established is health & safety. For example my jaw was smashed in an accident & is held together by metal pins. After all the surgery & pain I've been through with that, I won't be gagged with devices. I hate it & my jaw could be easily rebroken. Incubus loves gags, but can understand the reason for my refusal and that's something we just don't do. Should he have ignored my no & insisted that a gag was too important to him, we wouldn't be together. End of story. Someone who doesn't care enough about your wishes & desires is just not worth staying with, in any type of relationship.

 

[FungiUg]

Things change over time, as well. So it's important to keep communication an ongoing thing, rather than a one-off thing. Even limits can change or move.

 

[TigerClaw]

I agree. I think communication is much more important in a D/s Relationship.

This is the biggest point I can imagine. The care and concern for learning your limits. So he was careful and caring in helping you learn your likes and dislikes?

Did you develop any dislikes that he liked?

 

[bluntforcemama]

I can't imagine ANY kind of successful relationship that doesn't include two-way communication.

This is all that needs to be said: no explanations needed.

 

[TigerClaw]

This is all that needs to be said: no explanations needed.

For so many ppl it does need to be said. It desperately needs to be said. Too many women get into a relationship trusting he knows what they are doing and will have their best interests at heart.

It also goes in the reverse. The Dom needs to have a communicative sub. He needs to know what she is feeling so he can assure her fears and concerns. If he does not care to know he should not be expecting to be with a sub.

 

[RJMasters]

There is a very important reason for this thread that I can not go into.

I know that there are a lot of different thoughts on how to approach and be in a D/s relationship. I strongly feel in knowing your hard and soft limits. If you dont know that both of you are careful in finding out by discussion and gradual experimentation. Trust and respect of being able to stop is essential.

I also feel a sub has to be able to express her feelings at some point. A sub who is suppressed or dismissed everytime she tries to say what she liked or disliked is in a dangerous spot. A sub should not have to figure out what it is that you want. A Dom should be guiding her in their lifestyle.

Please post your opinions.

Weel you already got confirmation about the neccessity of communication, and it must be TWO way communication As FungiUg says. So just adding some other comments.


~ A Dom should be guiding her in their lifestyle.

Although you would like to have the Dom lead, often and I mean often is the case where the submissive has more experience than a Dom does in the lifestyle or in a specific area. As I have learned and am still learning, a wise Dom listens and learns for an experienced and good submissive. I do know that I have learned so much from people out here on Lit from those who are submissives. If I can learn from a forum wisdom, understanding, knowledge from submissives, I would be a fool to think I could not learn from the one who is most closest to me.

I admit some times my pride and ego gets in the way, and usually It takes stepping on my dick before I realize I should just shut up and learn something.

If you are having troubles with communication, then maybe as a first step towards improving communication would be for the Dom in the relationship to schedule a time in the day that allows the submissive to communicate feelings, fears, and submit suggestions or ideas(I offer this piece of advice only because I preceive from your post there is a problem with control issues. In this way the Dom still can "feel" they are in control, but opens the door a bit). It would be sad if the level of communication stayed at this bare minimum level and never evolved into a more free give and take and sharing, but if its this or nothing, I would take what I could get or find someone who shares the same values of communication as you do.

It maybe that the Dom doesn't have a problem with communication, but does in the "way" the submissive is communicating or visa versa. Usualy where ever a problem exist, both are contributing to the problem in some way.



Good luck

 

[TigerClaw]

Re: Re: D/s Vs Abuse, Ignorance, Learning.

It maybe that the Dom doesn't have a problem with communication, but does in the "way" the submissive is communicating or visa versa. Usualy where ever a problem exist, both are contributing to the problem in some way.



Good luck

It is sad when a couple can be talking to each other and just not get it. It is like one is talking greek and the other Russain. I have experienced that very painfully. It didnt matter who was right because the point was lost in confusion.

Has any one set backs, disappointments or just not started because of lack of communication? Or Talking Greek vs Russian? Better yet how did you get over a period of miscommunication and un-met expectations?

 

[FungiUg]

My lover and I went through a period of mis-communication when I started getting into BDSM. She was getting rather scared by it all, and worried I would get into the heavy S&M and bondage side of things.

We went to counselling, which terrified her -- but she was willing to do it anyway because we couldn't get past how this would work. Also, she is dominant (as am I), so that too wasn't going to work.

Fortunately we had a counsellor who didn't have an agenda of his own, and essentially just mediated. He was really positive, and I think that's what she needed -- to hear it wasn't all doom and gloom. Because once we got past that, the answer was pretty straight forward: threesomes with a submissive.

 

[TigerClaw]

We went to counselling, which terrified her -- but she was willing to do it anyway because we couldn't get past how this would work. Also, she is dominant (as am I), so that too wasn't going to work.

Fortunately we had a counsellor who didn't have an agenda of his own, and essentially just mediated. He was really positive, and I think that's what she needed -- to hear it wasn't all doom and gloom. Because once we got past that, the answer was pretty straight forward: threesomes with a submissive.

Finally, a couple who went to a counsellor that helped them. I am so very happy for you. I was not as lucky.

I am off for the night. I shall check up on the thread tomorrow. Night all. Please keep posting your thoughts, all.

 

[James G 5]

I can't imagine ANY kind of successful relationship that doesn't include two-way communication.

Why should a D/s relationship be any different? I mean, the minute you assume things, it just becomes a recipe for disaster.

Big problem I keep having is women who expect me to read their minds, so not only do they not tell me things they should, they often don't accurately answer direct questions, then they get pissed at ME

 

[FungiUg]

Big problem I keep having is women who expect me to read their minds, so not only do they not tell me things they should, they often don't accurately answer direct questions, then they get pissed at ME

Ah... but that is NOT communication. No one is a mind reader. Not even Doms with God-like powers!

 

[Netzach]

Big problem I keep having is women who expect me to read their minds, so not only do they not tell me things they should, they often don't accurately answer direct questions, then they get pissed at ME

Yeah, girls really are fond of doing that sometimes.

 

[James G 5]

Yeah, girls really are fond of doing that sometimes.

I'd turn to men full time but they are just as neurotic in their own ways and habe one less orifice

 

[James G 5]

Ah... but that is NOT communication. No one is a mind reader. Not even Doms with God-like powers!

Regardless of living space, no less

 

[kitty4ever]

Ah... but that is NOT communication. No one is a mind reader. Not even Doms with God-like powers!

Since when did Doms get God-like powers?

 

[James G 5]

Since when did Doms get God-like powers?

*arching a brow*
Now there's a comment that belongs on the "Things a sub should never say..." thread

 

[kitty4ever]

*arching a brow*
Now there's a comment that belongs on the "Things a sub should never say..." thread

<arches a brow back> You're not my Dom now, are you?

 

[Betticus]

<arches a brow back> You're not my Dom now, are you?

Doh!!

 

[FungiUg]

Since when did Doms get God-like powers?

Did you miss that memo?

 

[Betticus]

Did you miss that memo?

I've had to work very hard for my dark Jedi powers and I still sometimes struggle to levitate schoolbuses and stuff.

But even I wouldn't try to Dom a sub that wasn't mine.



Especially one that says "Adopted by Betticus" in her sigline.

 

[kitty4ever]

Did you miss that memo?

Oh....really?