D/s BDSM story - feedback appreciated

[amber03]

Hi

I would very much appreciate a little feedback on the first chapter of my (D/s BDSM) story which has just been accepted today.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=376233

This is my first attempt at submitting any of my writing so any constructive feedback will be gratefully recieved.

The second chapter is now being edited and will be submitted shortly.

Many thanks

amber
x

 

[The_Fractal_King]

I absolutely love this story. Stylistically, gramatically, descriptively . . . it's great. I'll be waiting for the next chapter to come out and learn more about who the characters are. Frankly I don't have anything bad to say about it.

 

[amber03]

WOW - thankyou very much
Part two should be submitted later this week

Incidently i have just started to read your One Little World series - just a fabulous read! There is so little romance in BDSM anymore, so great to see someone else that believes in it too

amber x

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It's a very nice story, very well done, but I'm a little worried about the pacing and the density of the language. It's moving along very slowly, and that seems to be due to the density of the language and the amount of detail. No one does anything in here without a lot of caressing and looking and thinking, and that slows it to a crawl. Behind all the love and devotion and passion between these two I assume there's a story taking place, but that story's kind of hard to see. I think you're kind of drowning in atmosphere.

But the writing is fine and very capable, fluid and sensual. You might want to vary the rhythms and cadence occasionally so it doesn't get so hypnotic. It can feel a tad suffocating after a while.

I really thought we'd at least get to see what was in the case in this first part. As it is, it seems like nothing really happens in this first part, which leaves us with no real drama to keep us reading, other than our curiosity about what's in the case.

I thought it was good though. I was impressed.

 

[amber03]

Hi, thanks very much for the feedback I completely take on board what you are saying but there is a lot more to this story yet, and alot more to the relationship between the two characters, which hopefully will all make sense in the next couple of chapters.

However, after reading your comment, I have actually slightly re-written the next part to try and add a little more drama and step up the pace a little

All feedback is massively appreciated so thanks again!

amber