Curious: why when I'm stressed?

[Arianna22]

Hi, I'm looking for some suggestions here, please. And any advice how to deal with the situation would be gratefully accepted too!

I've been interested in BDSM for some time (I'm a sub) and after trying to introduce my partner into it, its more a 'occassional play' thing in my life, as he isnt really interested. I decided that was fair enough and have stayed with him as I care for him enough to accept that he 'plays' for me and that other aspects are more important to me (the fact hes not abusive is a start! A couple of my previous partners have been).

This is the strange thing though: At the moment I have two full time jobs (dont ask how) and some other things that stress me out. I find the more stressed I become, and the more work I have to do, the more my desire for BDSM grows.... why? I find myself wanting more from my partner, and also wanting more extreme 'play'. The most we've done is really play with bondage and light spanking so, extreme is not too worrying!

I also find I'm horny pretty much all the time and wanting him to be more and more dominant... and I just dont understand it.

Any suggestions for reasons? Or does anyone else experience this? Any suggestions on how to deal with it?

Thanks guys in advance!

 

[catalina_francisco]

You will find many here find it a great stress relief, often better than any medication can achieve. There is also some fledgling research based material which supports aspects of what we do in SM as being therapeutic for depression...think there was a Russian study we were discussing here once which found it to be so. There are some threads around here dealing with depression, stress, and SM.....if no-one else finds them and I have time later i will try and locate a few and link them for you here. I know personally I have found both D/s and SM to be a great way of coping when the world around me is going less than smooth....similarly, F also finds as a sadist it works in a similar way for him in terms of dealing out pain to me will help relieve stressful moments in life.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/134/376824463_35ca304946_s.jpg Catalina

 

[missofdarkness]

everything should be take with moderation

 

[TooTiredToLive]

Hi, I'm looking for some suggestions here, please. And any advice how to deal with the situation would be gratefully accepted too!

I've been interested in BDSM for some time (I'm a sub) and after trying to introduce my partner into it, its more a 'occassional play' thing in my life, as he isnt really interested. I decided that was fair enough and have stayed with him as I care for him enough to accept that he 'plays' for me and that other aspects are more important to me (the fact hes not abusive is a start! A couple of my previous partners have been).

Other recent threads here have discussed the difficulties of a relationship where one partner was determinedly BDSM or D/s and the other not. I suggest that reviewing those might give you some insight regarding that issue. However, you characterize D/s as an "occasional play" thing in your life because "he isn't really interested," then go on to say that you've remained with him because you "care for him enough to accept that he 'plays' for me." My between-the-lines reading of this is that you identify more in D/s than non-kink, but have minimized (and are minimizing) that portion of your personality largely due to his disinterest in making it truly a part of his life - just "play." From experiences of my own, and from reading of the experiences of many others in this forum and others, I would have to predict that either you will fail to remain satisfied with the status quo and seek out someone more like yourself (though Dominant), or you will try to give up D/s entirely.

This is the strange thing though: At the moment I have two full time jobs (dont ask how) and some other things that stress me out. I find the more stressed I become, and the more work I have to do, the more my desire for BDSM grows.... why? I find myself wanting more from my partner, and also wanting more extreme 'play'. The most we've done is really play with bondage and light spanking so, extreme is not too worrying!

Yes, I would have to agree that "two full time jobs" is strange, indeed, not to mention dangerous to your health, both mental and physical. As far as your desire for BDSM or D/s growing "the more stressed [you] become and the more work [you] have to do," that's perfectly understandable, particularly for one who identifies as submissive, as you do in your second paragraph. Being spanked, flogged, etc., appears to increase the brain's production of endorphins {Def/info from Wiki here: "...they resemble the opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a sense of well-being. In other words, they might work as "natural pain killers." Using drugs may increase the effects of the endorphins. The term "endorphin" implies a pharmacological activity (analogous to the activity of the corticosteroid category of biochemicals) as opposed to a specific chemical formulation. The term "endorphin rush" has been adopted in popular speech to refer to feelings of exhilaration brought on by pain, danger, or other forms of stress, supposedly due to the influence of endorphins}, which, in the case of an "feelings of exhilaration" created by an endorphin rush, allow you to bliss out to some extent, releasing the stress brought on by your work situation.

I also find I'm horny pretty much all the time and wanting him to be more and more dominant... and I just dont understand it. Any suggestions for reasons? Or does anyone else experience this? Any suggestions on how to deal with it?

One very apparent reason for your increased horniness and wanting him to be more dominant (or "extreme" {though I kind of wonder if your definition of extreme would match up with those of others here, like Cat/Francisco, EG, AA, Marquis }) is that the release/high created by your play is somewhat addictive, though beneficially so. It's your body and mind telling you that (1) you're overstressed, (2) this relieves the stress and gives you pleasure, and (3) lighten the hell up (work/stress-wise)!

As far as "dealing with it," you and your partner need to discuss (a) your need/desire to be dominated, spanked, etc., (b) whether he truly isn't interested or if he is merely trying to maintain the persona that "mainstream society" has dictated all his life he should present, and (c) whether, in either case regarding him, the two of you can maintain your relationship successfully - which would involve both of you being satisfied with the parameters of your current relationship being stretched as time goes on. I strongly suspect that if he truly is not interested in D/s - whether "just" in the bedroom or in your entire lives together - that you will not much longer be together, even if you try to suppress your longings for a certain level of D/s activity in your life. On the other hand, if he does a bit of research on D/s and finds that he has suppressed the facets of his personality that would allow him to be Dominant to your submission (a possibility, since he seems to have at least partially satisfied your desire to be submissive and be spanked), then perhaps the two of you will embark on a long journey of learning and loving in the D/s mode!

In either case... I wish you much luck and satisfaction!

 

[myinnerslut]

I find the more stressed I become, and the more work I have to do, the more my desire for BDSM grows.... why? I find myself wanting more from my partner, and also wanting more extreme 'play'.

i get the same way. the more stressed out i am, the more i want to be used.

 

[Chicklet]

i think it stems from wanting to give up control of the situation to someone else. You have a stressful life, but being submissive during sex has an element of just giving up to someone elses whims... for me it's a relief to not have to make all the decisions, and occasionally just run around doing stuff someone else tells me to do

 

[missofdarkness]

i think it stems from wanting to give up control of the situation to someone else. You have a stressful life, but being submissive during sex has an element of just giving up to someone elses whims... for me it's a relief to not have to make all the decisions, and occasionally just run around doing stuff someone else tells me to do

i really like what you wrote

 

[graceanne]

Two words: Endorphin Rush

 

[FurryFury]

If I had a partner that made BDSM or even, sex, a priority I might feel that way.

However, lately I'm so stressed, that there is NO way I can make such things happen right now. I need a break to do so.

I have far too much on my plate, too many worries and sometimes I think I've lost my entire sexual self to all this.

I feel like I'm letting some folks down with this but I can't seem to change it. No matter how much I might wish for things to be otherwise, sex and BDSM are sort of distanced for me right now.

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

Here are some of the threads I mentioned...some are closer to what you are asking, while others might have related discussions you might find interesting now or later;

A Closer Look At Pain

BDSM As Health Therapy

Can BDSM Be Therapeutic?

Whipping Therapy

Focusing On Pain

Why Do People Like Pain?

Strange Responses

The Need For Pain

Pain Pleasure Principle

Mental Health Issues and BDSM

The Psychology Of Pain

For The Love Of Pain

Our Bodies, Our Brains

Chronic Pain Relief Through Flogging

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

I feel like I'm letting some folks down with this but I can't seem to change it. No matter how much I might with for things to be otherwise, sex and BDSM are sort of distanced for me right now.

Fury

Hope you are back to your usual upbeat self soon.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Oh I just found another one by accident!! Happiness = Flogging

Catalina

 

[Arianna22]

Thank you guys! Everyone, thanks.

It does help to know that its not just me being weird. I'd started to think that maybe somehow in my head one of my jobs was getting equated with being horny... which is simply disturbing!

As for talking to my partner, he is open to talking and discussing BDSM, and he does play, but yes, he doesnt really... well... seem to enjoy it that much.

But then last time I was horny, I wont say when, as I'm sure no-one wants to know, he was happy to play... so at least its something.

Cat: Thanks.... I'll have a look at the links.

 

[neonflux]

If I had a partner that made BDSM or even, sex, a priority I might feel that way.

However, lately I'm so stressed, that there is NO way I can make such things happen right now. I need a break to do so.

I have far too much on my plate, too many worries and sometimes I think I've lost my entire sexual self to all this.

I feel like I'm letting some folks down with this but I can't seem to change it. No matter how much I might with for things to be otherwise, sex and BDSM are sort of distanced for me right now.

Fury

 

[Literotti]

You said that the busier you become, the more stress you have. It's pretty simple to understand that as stress mounts, the more you need to take the pressure off. Sex and kink are ways to do that. It's more healthy than drugs or alcohol.

 

[Arianna22]

Literotti: aye, still feels like an addiction though! Safer and healthier than alcohol and drugs, i agree.... was just feeling a bit odd and wondering why...

I've also been thinking alot through the past couple of days, and I think partly its avoidance tactics too.... you know... if I'm playing or obeying someone else, then I dont have to think about whats stressing me out etc.

 

[liberatedslave]

I have even been known to spank myself at times of extreme stress when a Dom isn't to hand.

Two things you've said concern me though.

1) Your bf doesn't sound as keen as you are and seems to be coerced into topping you when you're horny. That IMO isn't really submission and sounds a little unfair on him.

2) Wanting to push kink further and further because you have other stresses in your life isn't necessarily a good reason to do so. If this is why your guy is having reservations about playing with you then maybe you should listen to that.

Apologies if I've misconstrued anything, just being well meaningly curious.

 

[Arianna22]

Liberated Slave: No, of course I'm not offended or anything. As for your points:

1, in some ways yes and in some ways no. My bf isnt really into it. I dont think I'm coercing him though (although maybe I am in some ways). I dont really ask for what i want, but he knows what I like and he knows what I like when I get especially horny, and he knows now, that I'm getting more and more so when stressed. I do feel sometimes that it isnt really submission at all... because he is only doing it because I enjoy it...but I dont really know how to solve that. I mean, we do have other sex life as well... where I try to fill some of his fantasies, even though, again for me, they dont really do much and the first time I did feel a little silly.

2. Mmm... I'm not sure if I'm wanting to push because I'm stressed.... I think its more that because I'm stressed, 'playing' seems to be ... a release almost. Does that make sense at all?

Believe me, the last thing i want is to use him or hurt him, and we have talked about everything we do. I had to ensure that he is comfortable with what we do, and he said he is... it just doesnt make him feel the same way it makes me feel.... is that wrong? Or using him? I honestly dont know... and if it is... what do I do about it?