curious about this...

[crisp_linen]

ok well firstly me and my gf have been together for years and have a very stable trusting relationship.

but i've recently, in the last few months, discovered that i get increadibly turned on by the idea of seeing my gf sleep with someone else... i have no desire to be cuckholded this is a simple case of being voyuristic.

number one it feels like its something really bad to me like i shouldn't want to see my gf with another person. she knows i have this desire and is cautiously supportive. i dont know what to ask other than for some general advice from some people who have experience in this.

for example have your experiences been positive?
how have you found the third participant? and so on.

sorry this is so long on non-specific but i havn't really attempted to think about this seriously as until recently i havn't seriously begun to entertain the idea


thanks

 

[Lynxie]

The search feature on Lit is extremely helpful... here's what comes up if you search "How To" and the "HT Cafe" for threesome:
https://forum.literotica.com/search.php?searchid=672067

You may also want to search the Blank Manual (stickied at the top of the How To forum), as you'll probably find a wealth of information there.

 

[Eilan]

but i've recently, in the last few months, discovered that i get increadibly turned on by the idea of seeing my gf sleep with someone else...

It's quite possible that while you're turned on by the IDEA, you might feel differently when confronted with the reality. Some fantasies are best left that way, but that's something that the two of you have to decide for yourselves.

it feels like its something really bad to me like i shouldn't want to see my gf with another person. she knows i have this desire and is cautiously supportive. i dont know what to ask other than for some general advice from some people who have experience in this.

I don't think that you should feel ashamed of your fantasies.

for example have your experiences been positive?

I much prefer my husband. The experiences that we had were okay, but not earth-shattering. It's one of those things that we wanted to try, so we did, but I don't have any overwhelming desire to do it again anytime soon.

how have you found the third participant? and so on.

We put a profile on AFF (it's still there, actually, but turned off so we don't get any messages). If you decide to go that route, you'll have no trouble finding willing participants, because on AFF, men vastly outnumber women. Regardless of how you decide to find the third party, be sure that you make all decisions AS A COUPLE and establish ground rules with the other person before you meet. I'd also recommend NOT jumping in bed with someone the first time you meet. Anyone who has a problem with that isn't worth wasting time on.

If at any point you or your girlfriend has doubts, don't do it.

Be safe and good luck.

 

[SweetErika]

ok well firstly me and my gf have been together for years and have a very stable trusting relationship.

but i've recently, in the last few months, discovered that i get increadibly turned on by the idea of seeing my gf sleep with someone else... i have no desire to be cuckholded this is a simple case of being voyuristic.

number one it feels like its something really bad to me like i shouldn't want to see my gf with another person.

I've been talking about this with others lately. One idea that was proposed is that when you love someone, you really enjoy seeing them get pleasure. Sometimes that means getting pleasure from another person, and that's okay as long as everyone involved is having a good time and able to deal with any feelings and problems that may arise.

she knows i have this desire and is cautiously supportive.

My advice on this would be to stick to fantasy for now and possibly explore some other options besides all-out sex....maybe you'd both be comfortable with her dancing and appropriately exchanging touches with other men in a public setting, or only doing certain acts for awhile. Easing into it or stopping short of a certain point, then talking about how we felt after has worked well for us.

for example have your experiences been positive?
how have you found the third participant? and so on.

We have some experience with another couple. I think it's been positive because we have all agreed on exactly what's acceptable (and not), we're all great friends, emotions are there and encouraged, and we all talk about everything after. That said, it's NOT something I'd do if the situation wasn't exactly like this because it certainly has a lot of potential to be very destructive. It came out of friendship, which I feel has been good because we all are motivated to communicate and make everything work.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I don't want to sound like a prude, or rain on anyone's parade, and i CERTAINLY don't want to sound judgemental. I've always been totally open and honest on this board, so I think I should keep that trend going and speak my mind. I would strongly caution you against this for a couple of reasons.

First, though I have no first hand knowledge of this, I have a couple friends who have tried this. They were a very, very sexually liberal couple, and decided they wanted to try watching each other with someone else. Though they started all gungho and turned on by the idea, it almost destroyed their relationship. He was completely crushed when he saw her with someone else because she was enjoying someone who wasn't him. It devestated him and he said he felt belittled by it, because he wasn't the only one who could give her pleasure. They almost split over this, but after some couples therapy, they worked it out, primarily because she had similar feelings while watching him. This was a strong and liberated couple, and they never thought they'd have these feelings in a million years. Boy am I glad I turned em down when he asked me if I'd be the guy with his wife!

The second point is something that I thikn is a lost art in our day and age: monogamy. Now this is where I dread sounding judgemental, and I'm not trying to be, not at all. But I think that some people start to look at outside partners because it gets to a point where that's all that's left that they haven't explored. I'll admit it, the idea of my wife with another man doesn't do it for me, but her with another woman turns me on a lot, even more so if I were involved (I know, sad but true). Still, we've talked about it and just decided that our marriage and our sex life should stay between us. There's something very beautiful and special about that sanctity, if you will, knowing that we each hold our relationship in that high a regard. After we made this decision, I swear our lovemaking is more passionate, not less. Again not trying ot be judgemental, just felt the need to voice an opinion of another lifestyle which doesn't seem to get talked about much here.


Now with both those things said, I'm not saying that if you do this your relationship is doomed. Far from it. There are however some potential emotional responses that may crop up that you should prepare to handle, even if you dont think they will.

 

[Eilan]

The second point is something that I thikn is a lost art in our day and age: monogamy. Now this is where I dread sounding judgemental, and I'm not trying to be, not at all. But I think that some people start to look at outside partners because it gets to a point where that's all that's left that they haven't explored. I'll admit it, the idea of my wife with another man doesn't do it for me, but her with another woman turns me on a lot, even more so if I were involved (I know, sad but true). Still, we've talked about it and just decided that our marriage and our sex life should stay between us. There's something very beautiful and special about that sanctity, if you will, knowing that we each hold our relationship in that high a regard. After we made this decision, I swear our lovemaking is more passionate, not less. Again not trying ot be judgemental, just felt the need to voice an opinion of another lifestyle which doesn't seem to get talked about much here.

Valid points, and I think that you've done a good job of trying not to be judgmental.

Judgmental attitudes, however, are exactly why this topic doesn't come up all that often on the HT Board. By trying to offer sincere, honest advice to people with sincere, honest questions, I've been told that I'm "not really married" to my husband, I "don't really love" him, I'm "immoral," I'm "using other people as sex toys," and I'm no better than an "animal in heat." I've described my experiences honestly because I want to help others, and I've taken a LOT of shit for it, so I get defensive pretty easily.

I can count on ONE hand the number of threesomes that my husband and I have participated in, which, in the grand scheme of swingerdom, really doesn't qualify me to know jack shit. I'm not going to justify/explain myself, but boredom with each other had absolutely NOTHING to do with our decision.

I've never out-and-out recommended threesomes/swinging/open relationships to anyone who's asked, because it's NOT for everyone (and it's not for my hubby and me right now). However, I've never discouraged anyone, either, unless I've been able to detect ambivalence from one side or another. Or gotten the sense that the person asking the questions hasn't actually talked to his/her partner.

I've noticed that there tends to be a "my-kink-is-morally-superior-to-your-kink" attitude on the boards, and I think it's pretty pointless. I think that we'd all do well to remember that there's a certain segment of the population that comdemns ALL of us for being here and would like to shut Lit, and places like it, down.

 

[silverwhisper]

eilan, i haven't seen the first reaction you describe but will beat the moron senseless with a trout if i do. the second however is pandemic across the internet AFAICT. :>

crisp linen: i've had threesomes. i've had very strong relationships w/ the people with whom i shared that experience. even so, it just wasn't for us. i find the idea very interesting but i now know the reality ain't really something i want.

but then again, i think that's true of a whole lot of fantasies.

ed

 

[Roadieeeeeee]

Menage a beaucoup....

Many years ago, long before most of you were even a sparkle in your Daddy's eye, my wife and I agreed to participate in a "sterile" group sex sesion with two other couples. We all agreed that we would remain monogamous throughout the evening and thus maintain the "sterile" aspect of our antics but would all get completely naked and have sex with our spouses while permitted to watch any other couple.

The concept had to have been hatched late at night and was not nearly as erotic as we had all thought it would be, and memories of that night have gotten considerably funnier over the years.

Roadie

 

[Ezzy]

If you want to see it (and the operative word here is see it) you might consider some roleplay and video, before you go all out and possibly wreak what you have, you could videa yourself being the other person.

Then see if that rings your bell!

 

[TBKahuna123]

Valid points, and I think that you've done a good job of trying not to be judgmental.

Thanks. Like i said, I didn't want to seem judgemental, but still wanted to speak my mind.

Judgmental attitudes, however, are exactly why this topic doesn't come up all that often on the HT Board. By trying to offer sincere, honest advice to people with sincere, honest questions, I've been told that I'm "not really married" to my husband, I "don't really love" him, I'm "immoral," I'm "using other people as sex toys," and I'm no better than an "animal in heat." I've described my experiences honestly because I want to help others, and I've taken a LOT of shit for it, so I get defensive pretty easily.

I can count on ONE hand the number of threesomes that my husband and I have participated in, which, in the grand scheme of swingerdom, really doesn't qualify me to know jack shit. I'm not going to justify/explain myself, but boredom with each other had absolutely NOTHING to do with our decision.

That's just dumb to say that you "aren't really married". I know a few couples that have open marriages that are madly deeply in love with each other and have what I guess you would term healthy marriages. It's not for me, or what I would want for MY marriage, but that again is what works for me.

I've noticed that there tends to be a "my-kink-is-morally-superior-to-your-kink" attitude on the boards, and I think it's pretty pointless. I think that we'd all do well to remember that there's a certain segment of the population that comdemns ALL of us for being here and would like to shut Lit, and places like it, down.

Yeah and that's why I really hesitated to post my opinion. Still I guess this is the one issue that I REALLY feel strongly about. As liberated as I am and as open and I guess you'd say, kinky as my relationship with my wife is, monogamy is just the one thing we've both agreed is the one sacred and untouchable area of OUR marriage. I guess in the interests of offering a full rounded view, I felt compelled to mention it, while not condeming anyone elses choices. I REALLY hope that's how it came across.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Many years ago, long before most of you were even a sparkle in your Daddy's eye, my wife and I agreed to participate in a "sterile" group sex sesion with two other couples. We all agreed that we would remain monogamous throughout the evening and thus maintain the "sterile" aspect of our antics but would all get completely naked and have sex with our spouses while permitted to watch any other couple.

The concept had to have been hatched late at night and was not nearly as erotic as we had all thought it would be, and memories of that night have gotten considerably funnier over the years.

Roadie

That's interesting. I wouldn't call this a Sterile session, but more a session with clearly defined boundaries. Sounds erotic to me.

 

[maleorfemale]

My wife& I tryed swinging early in our marrige,but could not deal with all that came with it at the time,fast forward 24 years and when we decided to try it again.
With a couple we met at the beach,what turned me on the most was watching
my wife with the other guy.
From that point on our marrige changed forever,but we both think it got much better.We had always been each others best friend since before we were married.
Now we meet other guys together,and if thay are bi-all the better.
We very much enjoy 3way sex with another single guy.
Now I always knew my wife loved to fuck but to be able to watch her while she is doing it with another guy and then joining in,just the 2 of us on her or
a true 3 way as we see it now-If you see it,suck it,if you want to fuck it.
As much as I get off on watching my wife with another guy,she gets off knowing I am watching her.
She also gets very turned on watching me with another man,and I have found out in the past couple a years that I am very bisexual and open to
trying many new things.
She is also open to trying new things.
But we also have some ground rules that we made when this all started,
We only do it together,as a couple-single guys only.We meet them together
dinner or some lite drinks,if we all agree we take it from there.
No Kissing that is just for us.
No heavy drug users-we can deal with lite partyers-no drunks,no married guys-we are not here to break up marriges.
We don't just pick up anyone,we are not looking for one night stands,
we have found that the better you know someone the better the sex is.

We talk about eveything,since I found out I was Bi I have thought often
about meeting others guys with out her-when I feel that way I talk to her about it.That is the only way this would ever work-you have to talk about
everything.She says she always new I had strong sexual feelings for men
our whole marrige.We would often sex-talking about me with other guys-
but it was always just a fantasy.But once it happened it was not what we thought we were going to do-we were with another couple he was with
my wife I was with his.First time in my life I was that close to another cock,
could not take my eyes off it,my wife was sucking his cock and looked over
at me-I just reached over and started sucking his cock while my wife feed
it to me,soon as I wrapped my lipps around it I blew a nut.
Knew right then and there I liked it.

Now this may not happen to you,just think about it before you do it.
Up until that moment we were just swinging with another couple-she nor
I had even thought any thing about this new devolpment.
Any doubts talk them out first.
Many fantasies should stay just that-but some need to be explored.
My wife worries that I will leave he for another man,I worry she will find one with a bigger dick and leave me for him.We know this because we talked to each other about it.

And while it seems like it would be so easy to pick up a buddy and bring him home to your wife.It is not always that simple,friendships can be destroyed.
For us we choose none of our friends or anyone we work with.

We both value what we have learnd about each other in the past few years
it has really brought us together and made our marrige stronger.And our sex
life is fantasitc.
We have just ended a 2 year relastionship with a guy we meet on line.
It was very nice while it lasted,we are spoiled because of it and only looking
for another one like it.We both find ourselvs much more relaxed and open
to trying new things with someone we have been with before.

 

[Eilan]

That's just dumb to say that you "aren't really married".

I agree, particularly since I have a piece of paper that proves otherwise.

Yeah and that's why I really hesitated to post my opinion.

And it's also why I often hesitate to talk about the few experiences that my hubby and I have had. I want to help if I can, but if I'm gonna get my ass blasted in the process, then it's not worth getting all worked up over.

The one thing that I got out of my (limited) experiences was a true appreciation of the fact that my husband knows me so well--in EVERY way. That's probably why we currently aren't seeking someone to join us. If we never do it again, I'll think we'll both be perfectly okay with that decision.

That's interesting. I wouldn't call this a Sterile session, but more a session with clearly defined boundaries. Sounds erotic to me.

That would be what's referred to as "soft swinging." Couples have sex with each other while at least one other couple is in the room. There's no swapping. it's not something that I've done, but I find the idea intriguing.

eilan, i haven't seen the first reaction you describe but will beat the moron senseless with a trout if i do.

It happened when I very, very new at posting, and I almost didn't come back because of it. Then I decided not to let some stupid puke run me off. My skin thickened pretty quickly after that.

 

[CuriousRed]

I'll finally chime in on something on this board.

My wife and I did some stuff a few times. We had a male friend over for sex on two occasions. It was ok. Everything turned out fine. Nobody was left out and we had set boundries (not many).

We started with the wife licking and stroking both of us, then she gave him head while I did her from behind, then we switched. It was a good time. As long as you can keep "love" and "sex" seperate and your relationship is good it shouldn't be a problem, but YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!!! Communication is the key!!! If there is any uncomfortableness it needs to stop.

Carry on!

 

[TBKahuna123]

As long as you can keep "love" and "sex" seperate and your relationship is good it shouldn't be a problem...

Yeah, see that's why this would never work for me, I think. Both my wife and I do not seperate love and sex. While this may inhibit us at times, I swear it's the reason our sex life is so passionate after all these years. Small price to pay, I guess.

 

[Exciteher]

crisp_linen,

I have had many positive group experiences, so here is my take of this from that perspective. I advocate nothing..I do however want to describe, as best I can, what I have learned. Here is what people have said I find important as it relates my own experience, plus a few of my own comments:

It's quite possible that while you're turned on by the IDEA, you might feel differently when confronted with the reality...

I don't think that you should feel ashamed of your fantasies.

.... It's one of those things that we wanted to try, so we did, but I don't have any overwhelming desire to do it again anytime soon....

...... Regardless of how you decide to find the third party, be sure that you make all decisions AS A COUPLE and establish ground rules with the other person before you meet. I'd also recommend NOT jumping in bed with someone the first time you meet. Anyone who has a problem with that isn't worth wasting time on.

If at any point you or your girlfriend has doubts, don't do it.

Be safe.....

I agree with all of what you say here Eilan, and really appreciate your disclosure of your own experience, it shows that personal preference...as tested in reality.. is not really related to sexual liberation...it is a matter of personal choice and desire.
Also it shows that this can be explored in reality, even if one ultimately finds the experience is not quite their thing...without the gates of hell opening!!!

Sliverwhisper has said the same thing about his experience I think!

I feel it cannot be over-emphasized that all choices, boundaries and limits must be made and set as a couple before hand, and these must be communicated to any prospective new partner...right up front. Also, if one should chose to take this sort of fantasy into reality for the first time, I think it is a really good idea to talk about this, in person face to face, with people who have had experience. Most larger towns have either sex-positive community organizations or swingers clubs where a couple can go to just get a feel for things and gather information without committing to anything except to meeting people, asking questions and having an interesting night out...networking. Just say "Right now we just want to talk, we have been curious and are interested in if this is right for us.." Most in this lifestyle know that question very well, and will be helpful and open. NASCA (goggle it) has listings of swingers clubs all over the world, I really think visiting one can give a couple an insight into if they want to proceed any further, and if they do they can then easily make local friends with experience. Having someone with experience in the party is a big plus in my book.

...One idea that was proposed is that when you love someone, you really enjoy seeing them get pleasure. Sometimes that means getting pleasure from another person, and that's okay as long as everyone involved is having a good time and able to deal with any feelings and problems that may arise.

In my own experience, from the vantage of what happened between my SO and myself, the connection that was formed this way was breathtaking, as her ecstasy becomes mine, and vice versa.. I feel such an increase in the depth of our bond! From the vantage of being the added partner in a MFM, not only is being with a strong loving couple itself powerfully sublime, it is wonderful to feel their ecstasy and connection likewise increase. From either of those perspectives, the bond formed in pleasuring her, between myself and him, makes the idea of any rivalry between us seem like such an absurdity. There is such a 'team" delight in having us, her men, sharing the pleasures she showers us with, as we both attend to her pleasure. This also applies to other group situations, FMF, couple(s), etc. In larger groups... "random acts of kindness" can add a particular zest.. I could go on and on...lol! Note that even when things are working, problems can come up... so being aware and being able to talk about and resolve them is important. As is a sense of humor!! Bottom line, for me, it is not so much about "me" or "her" having sex with others, it is about sharing with others while we all enjoy sex...

On the other hand... I have seen in a group situation where the guy was totally into seeing someone with his SO..until it happened for real, at which point all sorts of painful issues came up for him. Had one experience where there was a delayed reaction, and the next day he had all sorts of "Does she like you better?" insecurities, competitive issues, etc. Have also seen the initially cautious wife get really turned on and into it and that turn her hubby totally off. Women seem to handle all of this better than men do, and they are the ones that have all real control IMHO.

My SO was very good at spotting the potential for problems in advance, I got good at it too, but no one is perfect! She was the one who introduced me into swinging, she had experience, so I do not have an experience of going into the world of group sex completely "cold."

....maybe you'd both be comfortable with her dancing and appropriately exchanging touches with other men in a public setting, or only doing certain acts for awhile. Easing into it or stopping short of a certain point, then talking about how we felt after has worked well for us.

This is such a great idea! That gives time and a way for both people to check in with their feelings about that sort of physical closeness and feel if any insecurities or issues come up. Yes, I think easing into this is really important too.. even if you have experience and are bringing in a new partner. For that reason I like long term friendships.

.........I think it's been positive because we have all agreed on exactly what's acceptable (and not), we're all great friends, emotions are there and encouraged, and we all talk about everything after. That said, it's NOT something I'd do if the situation wasn't exactly like this because it certainly has a lot of potential to be very destructive....

SweetErika, I agree, thanks for revealing that, you show that this can be explored in reality, even if one ultimately finds the experience is a positive one...without the gates of hell opening!!! I really agree with what you say about emotions, and that they are encouraged. I think emotion is OK!!!... and may be necessary to really get the most out of these kind of friendships. So often I run into the "Its only sex," cliché in this lifestyle, I smile because I know that the people I have actually known say that really do have emotional connections to the people they "play" with! I don't get why they think it is "not OK " to say so, but to each his own. I think I know what they mean though... that sharing sex doe's not mean "ownership".. or a right to invade a relationship or go beyond boundaries that have been set.

...As long as you can keep "love" and "sex" seperate and your relationship is good it shouldn't be a problem, but YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!!! Communication is the key!!! If there is any uncomfortableness it needs to stop.

Yes, staying checked in with your comfort level is important, and staying aware that sometimes the thought "I feel this is bad." would be more accurately expressed as "I feel uncomfortable."

Many people are more comfortable compartmentalizing sex and love, but I feel it not really necessary to do that. I think if I am honest about it, I have love for all my sexual partners, and the love I had for my SO and love she had for me exceeded anything I had know in my marrage. The way we approached our sexuality and sharing that with others really increased and validated the unconditionality of our love for each other.

The one thing that I got out of my (limited) experiences was a true appreciation of the fact that my husband knows me so well--in EVERY way.That's probably why we currently aren't seeking someone to join us. If we never do it again, I'll think we'll both be perfectly okay with that decision.

I so know how that feels, yes, I know what you mean here! Paradoxically it is that exact feeling that nurtured us both in the lifestyle. We did not always play together, it was not not always one of our 'rules", in fact our "rules" were very dependant on each unique situation. It is hard to explain how amazingly loving it feels to have one's SO come back from a sexual encounter just glowing, feeling from them the love they have for you for allowing, indeed encouraging, them to be them and how that impacts love and trust. Or to feel her so happy for me on my return, knowing she knows that at that moment my love for her could not be any deeper. And those returns always resulted in intense sex between us, a peaked love, desire and joy for each other. I use the "playing apart"example because it is perhaps the most counter-intuitive, of course this same experience of our love for each other happened when we played together also. A crude metaphor.. if someone gave your SO an exquisite gift, would you not be happy? And would they not be happy that you shared their joy at getting that gift? And what is love, is not some part of it giving and receiving from each other our full possibilities and validating each others true passions? Hope this gives an insight into what "Love" and those who sexually share with others is, or can be, about.

I have had very positive experiences in group and swinging situations. But not everyone's sexuality is like that! Maybe the majority of people are not like that! That is perfectly OK..it is the way it is!

For me, I notice that sharing sex with more than one person can really amplify things.

Which means, if everyone is sincere, if relationships are sound, and if there is communication, respect and sensitivity and a bit of humor.. a group experience can really amplify pleasure in so many ways for those who have found they like that sort of thing. Also, we both learned so much from others, not just about sex... but about love and relating.

It also means if there are serious weaknesses in a relationship, unexplored bad vibes between the people, not everyone is on board, there are insecurities, there are possessive feelings incompatible with that context, lack of communication - verbal or emotional, lack of sensitivity etc... a group thing can amplify that.. with very unfortunate results.

One shares... what is already there. Avoid the trap of comparing... and just because some people are OK with group situations, does not mean you will be, and vise versa. There are many valid ways to get to the essentially same place.