Curious about the whole training thing

[BeachGurl2]

*I'll preface this post by saying I don't intend to offend anyone, especially newbie Doms. I'm truly asking for information sake, not to stir up trouble.*


I always see personal ads placed by Doms wanting a sub "to train". But I see a whole lot of self-proclaimed newbie Doms around here. Frankly, I would be very hesitant to stick my rear end out for a newbie Dom to start flogging away on it. Just exactly how are newbie Doms trained so that they know what they are doing and they don't truly harm someone? Not everyone can afford to go to a professional for lessons in Domliness. How, then, does this work in the real world for them? Do they hook up with a knowledgable sub who "trains" them? I'd love to see some advice from experienced Doms to newbie Doms with suggestions for ways to learn about toys and how to use them safely.

Just another of those random thoughts running around in my brain.

 

[siren319]

I am training a Dom

*I'll preface this post by saying I don't intend to offend anyone, especially newbie Doms. I'm truly asking for information sake, not to stir up trouble.*


I always see personal ads placed by Doms wanting a sub "to train". But I see a whole lot of self-proclaimed newbie Doms around here. Frankly, I would be very hesitant to stick my rear end out for a newbie Dom to start flogging away on it. Just exactly how are newbie Doms trained so that they know what they are doing and they don't truly harm someone? Not everyone can afford to go to a professional for lessons in Domliness. How, then, does this work in the real world for them? Do they hook up with a knowledgable sub who "trains" them? I'd love to see some advice from experienced Doms to newbie Doms with suggestions for ways to learn about toys and how to use them safely.

Just another of those random thoughts running around in my brain.

It sounds silly for a sub to train a Dom, but that is how I ended up with my latest. He was a close friend and when he started talking about it one day, I thought, huh I know a few things about this, I'll help him out. It requires the sub to be patient, but honestly I will admit that out of all of the Doms I have ever trained with, played, committed too. He is the one I will never forget. After we made it through the basics I thought, "Damn, he is perfect for me LOL"

Having said that I would never offer to train with a newbie DOM that thought he knew everything. I have been with "experienced" Doms who claimed years of experience (more than 6 consecutive) who failed to Dominate me.

To answer your question though, I am a sub and I have trained a few Doms and not just for myself. This was the first time I had done that. I started doing it because it is safer for everyone involved. I think it is best with a third party that can be a second voice for the sub with a newbie Dom.

 

[Netzach]

I was trained by about equal numbers of Doms and subs, through playing, talking, observing, and exploring. I think I'm being trained every time I play, in some way, as much as I'm training.

 

[shy slave]

I have a friend who does allow newbie Doms to flog her.

She knows what a good flogging feels like and she is willing to let them use her as a means to improvement.

She is a submissive, and on paper it sounds strange to say a submissive teaches a Dom to flog, but it works.

I know many Doms who started by flogging her and they say she is a good mentor and teacher.

In the future, it may be that with Andante guidence I would be a tool to be used by a newbie Dom, but I would not do it without him.

 

[WriterDom]

I think it's admirable that an experienced sub would work with a new Dom. But in an online environment I think he more likely would find ridicule from many.

As long as Dom has a little common sense, enough to stay within his comfort level, things will work out. If they are dangerous I doubt they'll be interested in safety threads enough to even read one.

But then again I've never looked at it from the sub's angle. My ass isn't being offered up. Most of us have heard stories about scenes that go horribly wrong. A bad person can fake experience. A bad person can have experience. Bad things can happen to good people with good intentions.

 

[FurryFury]

*I'll preface this post by saying I don't intend to offend anyone, especially newbie Doms. I'm truly asking for information sake, not to stir up trouble.*


I always see personal ads placed by Doms wanting a sub "to train". But I see a whole lot of self-proclaimed newbie Doms around here. Frankly, I would be very hesitant to stick my rear end out for a newbie Dom to start flogging away on it. Just exactly how are newbie Doms trained so that they know what they are doing and they don't truly harm someone? Not everyone can afford to go to a professional for lessons in Domliness. How, then, does this work in the real world for them? Do they hook up with a knowledgable sub who "trains" them? I'd love to see some advice from experienced Doms to newbie Doms with suggestions for ways to learn about toys and how to use them safely.

Just another of those random thoughts running around in my brain.

My understanding is that these days newbie Doms are rarely trained at all though they often claim to know or have experience in many things. *shrugs*

I personally LOVE the idea of training for kinksters. I think it would be hella cool, it's the stuff of fantasies for me.

Fury

 

[agibean]

My husband was once a newbie dom

When I met him *I* was the experienced one, and he had no experience but some good websites and books that he'd read. Luckily, we live in Seattle, which has a very active kinky community and had a good BDSM club where I was a member and where I was friends with a great, well-experienced, dom.

He graciously offered to teach my husband some of the technical things involved in flogging and the use of other toys. He would show my husband a technique (using my back, bottom, etc.) and then would offer feed back when my husband would do the same.

We also would sit and observe other couples playing, and I would offer why that would or would not work for me and why. He would watch my friend play with others and get more pointers.

Most importantly, though, *I* would provide feedback when he played with a certain toy-where to hit, HOW to hit, how HARD, etc. I suppose someone could call that topping from the bottom, but unless I gave him some direction, he'd never know just what made me tick.

That was years ago and of course, I no longer need to tell him what to do. Our seesions are always satisfying for both of us-so I guess I helped "train" him right!

 

[DVS]

I just learned "on the job", but I was always cautious and never took chances. Today, I'm quite confident in what I can do, but one would think anybody should be able to say that with the same amount of time spent.

I use to say that, but in recent years, I've noticed more and more Doms that "say" they are Masters or experienced Doms when they truely aren't. I'm sure they mostly say that because subs want an experienced Dom, if only for her safety.

And, there are more out there than I would care to mention that have had sufficient time to learn, but still seem to have their heads up their asses. Either they haven't been able to learn, for some unknown reason, or were just in it for the fun, from the beginning. Maybe we need some sort of union or something, to verify our status.

The test would be demanding...flick a pea off a naked ass with a single tail while not causing her to flinch, or something like that. Or maybe being able to swing a paddle for various degrees of pain. Or, maybe there could be a rodeo event, where a naked sub is released into the corral and each Dom is required to catch her, hog tie her and dominate her, as a timed event. Yeeeee Haw!

I do see it as a valid thing for experienced subs to help Doms learn the methods. I don't know if I'd like it called training, but that is really what it is. And, when you think about it, the sub is always the one in ultimate control, so who better to do this?

We talked about this about a year ago, I think. We decided there should be a Dom school, if I remember correctly. We were thinking of taking applications for subs to be flogging targets and cane targets for the classes.

Of course, there were likely to be mistakes and some floggings would be harder than expected, and some Doms in training would probably get carried away and not be able to stop when a safe word was called out. As with any training class, there would always be a certain element of danger present.

But, it was amazing, the number of subs who were more than willing to be the training body for the different classes. Isn't it nice that the subs were all so willing to um...submit?

 

[salome5678]

A starting point

I can't say that I've been around the block all that many times as a sub, however, I was very lucky when I started out. I had a great dom who taught me a great deal about being a sub, something that I've never forgotten: The sub is always in control and everything is a matter of trust. I've also had the great opportunity to talk with some very experienced sirs who have said the same thing, it's all about trust. I think that whether the sub is a newbie or the dom is a newbie, if you go slowly, establish trust and are patient, it shouldn't matter. I have met doms who are not responsive to earning trust from their subs and it's a sad thing because the relationship and the element of play never really expands or develops as it should. I would say to any inexperienced person, that they be smart enough to take the time to really learn about the world of BDSM. I also hope that they are smart enough to realize that BDSM is just like any other relationship and you must completely trust your partner. You must know that your safe word will stop things and that their goal is ultimately pleasurable, not only pain and domination.

I don't know if that really answers your question, but I do hope that it offers some insight without offending anyone.

 

[Kajira Callista]

The sub is always in control .

WOW when did that happen?

 

[WriterDom]

The sub is always in control and everything is a matter of trust. .

I guess in the sense of having limits and safe words. But if you know the sub well you'll color within the lines. Most of the time. The last thing most subs want is the perception of sub control.

 

[DVS]

I guess in the sense of having limits and safe words. But if you know the sub well you'll color within the lines. Most of the time. The last thing most subs want is the perception of sub control.

Ulitmate control is a safety thing. After a period of time, the sub trusts the Dom and reliquishes control. That control is still there, but not as necessary as it was at first.

The Dom is allowed to color within the lines, as the trust builds. More and more control is relinquished and eventually, it seems the Dom was always in control.

But, break that trust just once...

 

[siren319]

get what you mean

Quote:
Originally Posted by salome5678
The sub is always in control .

WOW when did that happen?


She's right, the sub is in control. A DOM can only take what she gives to him. Its funny because it takes soo much will to give that over, but if you think about it. You always have the power to stop it. You allow him/her to bind you and they control your body as far as you will let them.

A DOM can push you to your limits but it is always the subs limit. So who has control here? So why do it, the power behind such a gift. Assuming the sub has a thread of self-esteem she will have to love and trust his/her Dom/me more than the average person trusts their spouse or parents.

 

[Baghdaddy]

*I'll preface this post by saying I don't intend to offend anyone, especially newbie Doms. I'm truly asking for information sake, not to stir up trouble.*


I always see personal ads placed by Doms wanting a sub "to train". But I see a whole lot of self-proclaimed newbie Doms around here. Frankly, I would be very hesitant to stick my rear end out for a newbie Dom to start flogging away on it. Just exactly how are newbie Doms trained so that they know what they are doing and they don't truly harm someone? Not everyone can afford to go to a professional for lessons in Domliness. How, then, does this work in the real world for them? Do they hook up with a knowledgable sub who "trains" them? I'd love to see some advice from experienced Doms to newbie Doms with suggestions for ways to learn about toys and how to use them safely.

Just another of those random thoughts running around in my brain.

Yep, not like there's some correspondence course or certificates being printed up. I couldn't imagine anyone having issues with the "sub training the dom" anymore than a lover teaching their partner how to please them. Essentially that's what's going on, correct? Or do I just need to stfu and get back in my box?

 

[Recidiva]

WOW when did that happen?

Always, or there wouldn't be such a thing as agreements or a safe word.

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

I think the idea of learning and acquiring new skills is a must, for newbies and old hands. Some of the mucnhes around here offer demonstartions and for me are a great place to ask questions, learn new, ideas things of that nature.

I think that the community events are great places to learn and seek out what to do and fiure out whom to ask for what to learn next.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Quote:
Originally Posted by salome5678
The sub is always in control .

WOW when did that happen?


She's right, the sub is in control. A DOM can only take what she gives to him. Its funny because it takes soo much will to give that over, but if you think about it. You always have the power to stop it. You allow him/her to bind you and they control your body as far as you will let them.

A DOM can push you to your limits but it is always the subs limit. So who has control here? So why do it, the power behind such a gift. Assuming the sub has a thread of self-esteem she will have to love and trust his/her Dom/me more than the average person trusts their spouse or parents.

hmmm in my world a Dom takes what he wants. Andddd i handed over the power to stop it (if he is my Master) when i became his. I dont allow someone to control my body as far as i will let them, they control all of me as often and as far as they choose to.
To me...if the sub was in control then the sub would be the dom...and that would kinda be topping from the bottom....or just really too confusing .

 

[Recidiva]

hmmm in my world a Dom takes what he wants. Andddd i handed over the power to stop it (if he is my Master) when i became his. I dont allow someone to control my body as far as i will let them, they control all of me as often and as far as they choose to.
To me...if the sub was in control then the sub would be the dom...and that would kinda be topping from the bottom....or just really too confusing .

As yourself if everyone would be able to dominate you legally or at whim and you have more of a general answer to which are your choices.

 

[RJMasters]

As yourself if everyone would be able to dominate you legally or at whim and you have more of a general answer to which are your choices.

huh?

 

[Recidiva]

huh?

Oh for Goddess's sake.

Here's a pamphlet.

 

[RJMasters]

Oh for Goddess's sake.

Here's a pamphlet.

There is no pics in this pamphlet...scratches head. Spell it out for me. I can't tell if that is a comment or two questions run together. Just doesn't make sense. What are you trying to say?

Tsk tsk...not like you at all...

 

[Recidiva]

There is no pics in this pamphlet...scratches head. Spell it out for me. I can't tell if that is a comment or two questions run together. Just doesn't make sense. What are you trying to say?

Tsk tsk...not like you at all...

I'm going to sound like a fortune cookie.

It's like pointing to the proverbial picture of the vase and the faces and saying "It's a vase!" "It's a face!" and arguing.

Subs and doms share power. They both exist simultaneously. Some people only see one image and think the other is just a reflection, but what arises is equilibrium between partners. However, the willingness to submit in the first place is a huge power you choose to bestow. Inherent in that is the possibility of its withdrawal of cooperation or approval. The submissive is most true to their own nature. That's power.

Even getting full dominance and loss of power is done over a huge series of trust building exercises, and still, the submissive is held first of all by their own willingness to commit. That's power.

 

[RJMasters]

I'm going to sound like a fortune cookie.

It's like pointing to the proverbial picture of the vase and the faces and saying "It's a vase!" "It's a face!" and arguing.

Subs and doms share power. They both exist simultaneously. Some people only see one image and think the other is just a reflection, but what arises is equilibrium between partners. However, the willingness to submit in the first place is a huge power you choose to bestow. Inherent in that is the possibility of its withdrawal of cooperation or approval. The submissive is most true to their own nature. That's power.

Even getting full dominance and loss of power is done over a huge series of trust building exercises, and still, the submissive is held first of all by their own willingness to commit. That's power.

Damn it I shoulda known better than to ask. Now I am gonna have to think in order to tell you why your wrong.

If you don't hear from me, just accept your wrong and call it good ok?

Thanks for the further explanation.

 

[Recidiva]

Damn it I shoulda known better than to ask. Now I am gonna have to think in order to tell you why your wrong.

If you don't hear from me, just accept your wrong and call it good ok?

Thanks for the further explanation.

And your lucky numbers are...

 

[BeachGurl2]

Wow, you guys have all offered really good things to think about, for both subs and Doms. The dungeon here has weekly demonstrations, bi-weekly sub meetings, and bi-weekly Dom meetings. They also have a novice demonstration party once a quarter to allow newbies to see what the dungeon is all about, try new things out with experienced Doms, and basically just get a feel for things. But I wondered what other ways new Doms were able to get real hands-on experience.

I like the idea of an experienced sub "training" a newbie Dom, I'm just not sure I would be cut out for that. It just goes against my nature to be the one taking the lead. I wonder how many other subs would feel strange taking the lead in that way. Is it just me?