Cum on a journey to exotic lands, and meet my Russian Tails!

[tyler292]

Hi all!

This is my first attempt at a story, and would really appreciate some feedback!

I've had many interesting experiences in my travels in Russia, (ahh the beauty of that country!), and might need to write more of them down.

Here it is: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=301372,

Thanks!

 

[jomar]

One thought I had was if "no" really means "yes" and you state it clearly (which you don't have to do until the action starts), why is it in nonconsent. The tone and flow of it also read a bit like a letter to Penthouse.

You also don't need to explain things as much to the reader:
"So you're my bodyguard," she asked, getting the joke.
Instead maybe:
"So you're my bodyguard now, are you," she said sarcastically. Or, ...she said with a smirk

There were also some punctuation problems with " and conversation and a few words not mopped up that sort of interfere with the flow. An editor could help tighten it up. It's a hot story idea.

Welcome to Lit and good luck.

 

[tyler292]

Thanks for taking the time to read my story!

You make some very good points. You are right, I do need an editor. I was a little loose with the punctuation, and didn't do a really complete check.

Also good point on the dialog, it probably could be tighter.

I also had some reservations about putting it in non-consent, but having read many of those stories, lots of them are not completely non-consent. There is usually some degree of consent; so it was kind of a toss up.

I put that part about no meaning yes in the the beginning to give the reader a sense of what I already knew when this event happened, (it is a true story). But perhaps it could have been tied in later to get the action flowing faster.

Funny you mention Penthouse, they once did a piece about me and my adventures over here. I guess if the shoe fits...

Thanks again for the help!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Interesting story. You had the right idea for plot and such.

But I have three comments, Tyler.

You don't understand paragraphs. Example:

It was a cold snowy night in the middle of the winter. I needed to take the overnight train from one city to another.

I booked a first class berth, which means you are sharing the cabin with only one other person. The beauty is that train cabins are coed!

That's right: over here they book men and women in the same small cabins for overnight trips! Isn't this a great place?!

That is all one paragraph which you have broken into three. (Also, in the third you use a colon in place of a period creating a run-on sentence. You use an exclamation point inappropriately and end by speaking to the reader, then end, again inappropriately, with a question mark and an exclamation point). The last sentence is wrong on, at least, two levels - punctuation and you don't speak directly to the reader. That is very hard to do correctly and effectively.

Secondly, you need to read up on how to make your characters talk. More importantly, what belongs inside quotation marks and what doesn't. Example:

I began with the normal chit chat. "Where are you headed, what are you doing in this city why are you going to that city, yada yada yada."

There are several things wrong with this. The character didn't say "yada yada yada." In fact, none of this belongs in quotations. This is you telling us what the conversation was, not the character speaking at all. If the characters were speaking, it would look something like:

"I began with the normal chit chat. "Where are you going?"

She looked up at me and mumbled, "St. Petersburg."

I tried again. "What were you doing in Moscow?"

This seemed to warm her. She looked up at me and smiled. "I came to Moscow to visit my mother. She works in the finance ministry."

Something like that. First you get a whole lot more information with very few words. Second, you give LIFE to the characters. As you've written them, they are manniquins, plastic, lifeless.

Finally, overall, my impression is this is another of a thousand stories posted on Lit of the writer's brag on sexual prowess. They don't come off well. You are telling the story. You lack the imagry that would draw the reader into your story. You don't allow your characters to tell their own story through conversation, but interject yourself in their place, as if "I" is all that matters. There are stories posted here that are great and 80% conversation.

Take these comments in the way they are intended. They are cruel, I know. But they will help you in your writing. The story idea is good, but you need to make that next step to make a better story out of a good idea.

JJ

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Jenny and Jomar have given great advice so I won't repeat it.

I got a bit confused with 'no' meaning 'yes' 'niet' is definitely niet. OK, in Bulgarian - don't even ask - 'na' literally means yes, including shaking the head, but I don't think you meant that.

Using foreign locations is very good for attracting interest, but apart from snow, we could have been in Africa. Scenarios and lightly dropped references give an exotic backdrop. If you've got a character as dominant as the Russian Bear, let her bark.

I think you've got a good approach to a story but you need to flesh out the scenario and the characters. Russia is a most fantastical place - from McDo's in Moscow centre to shooting bear outside St Petersburg - with your experience, give us more insight of the country. Truly a magnificent place.

Despite the crit, I think you can write really well here. Good luck.