Crushed yet again

[SweetDommes]

I know that I probably shouldn't really post this here, since ghosst and sylvan pet both are on this site, but I've got to get it out and this is the best place I can think of for it ...

As of right now, it looks as though sylvan isn't coming anymore. Instead of talking to us about his fears (rather normal ones, once we got them out of him) he kept it all in, and just procrastinated on making arrangements. He says that he doesn't know if he's coming on the 28th now or not (which is when we had planned for) but I already know that he's not, unless he wants to leave his job in bad standing, because he hasn't turned in his two weeks notice yet. That means that the earliest he can now be here is the 29th. In the meantime, he also hasn't turned in a change of address, he hasn't started packing, he hasn't bought a ticket, he hasn't even LOOKED at tickets.

He says that he loves us, he says that he misses us ... but he only wants to be here with us "sometimes". I love him, I miss him ... and I'm already 1/2 heartbroken. Every single thing that has happened in the last two weeks has pointed to him not coming ... but he still says that he doesn't know ... so now I feel like we're getting strung along - again. Only this time we were led on for almost a whole fucking year instead of just a month or two (and yes, I know we aren't the only ones that this has happened to). The only solid reason that he can give for wanting TO be here is that he doesn't want to disappoint us - not that he loves us, but that he doesn't want to disappoint us

So now I have to decide if I want to reopen the searching thread or not *sob*

 

[catalina_francisco]

BDSM relationships are first and foremost relationships; both sides can be hurt. It is often forgotten that Dom/me have feelings just like subs.

I can feel with your pain and have gone through similar sentiments in the past. I can not offer any advice just my compassion for what you are going through.

Francisco.

 

[SweetDommes]

I can feel with your pain and have gone through similar sentiments in the past. I can not offer any advice just my compassion for what you are going through.

Francisco.

Thanks Francisco, that's really what I need right now.

We did talk to him for a total of 3.5 hours, and while I'm still rather doubtful about the chances of him actually coming, I'm not *quite* as pessimistic

 

[MissTaken]

Best wishes to all of you. I hope that you can find your way to a peaceful solution that brings happiness to you.

Relationship are never easy and making enormous life changes for those you care about isn't easy. It would be very normal for him to be second guessing and getting proverbial cold feet.

Hugs to all,

MissT

 

[SweetDommes]

Relationship are never easy and making enormous life changes for those you care about isn't easy. It would be very normal for him to be second guessing and getting proverbial cold feet.

Hugs to all,

MissT

Thanks T - and we know that the fears are normal ... but it would have been nice if he had, you know ... told us that he was having them ...

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hang in there.......if and when it is right it will happen, if not then despite the initial hurt, you wouldn't want the mountain of pain that could eventuate if anyone tried to push their feelings aside to force it to work.....but yes, as we all say here, communication would have been a more peaceful, perhaps less painful way to deal with a sensitive situation.

Catalinahttp://www.smilies4you.de/content/smileypics/a10.gif

 

[SweetDommes]

Really, what we want most is for him to be happy, because we do love him ... and as much as it hurts, if this is not the right place for him to be, then it's not ... however - communication is a huge issue in any relationship, and he was not communicating. All I want is for him to TALK to us.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You know we men have a thing about talking for some weird reason we find it to be incredibly difficult. To open up and tell anyone even the closest persons how we feel takes us an enormous amount of time and trust.

Francisco.

 

[Pure]

Sorry to hear that news, SDs,

Echoing, in a way, what's been said about SM and resemblance to other relationships. The move from 'net, to in person, esp. something like relocating leads quite commonly to the 'no show.'

You should not assume you have all the facts; indeed you say as much. Some who've been stood up have actually tracked the person to his/her home, and found, for instance, ... there's a marriage they didn't know about.

Also degree of dedication is actually unknown, since it's far easier to type, "I submit," than to do it.

In a way, this is probably for the good, though it may sound trite.
My only suggestion is to temper internet relationships, early, with real meetings, no matter how brief. Lacking that, extensive phone contacts can help, esp. if you have a home phone (I.e, a number you can call anytime, so that it can't be arranged to have the partner not at home during phone calls.) Actual work phones too are good indicators, and there's always the 'background check,' for indeed there are--for example--far fewer wealthy stockmarket players than would appear on the 'net.

 

[SweetDommes]

You should not assume you have all the facts; indeed you say as much. Some who've been stood up have actually tracked the person to his/her home, and found, for instance, ... there's a marriage they didn't know about.

Also degree of dedication is actually unknown, since it's far easier to type, "I submit," than to do it.

He spent 3 weeks here this summer ... and we did then what we expect in the future - he knew what his duties would be, and he did them ... so he has submitted to us.

I also spent 4 days at his house, and there is no way in hell that he was hiding another relationship from me during that time - he lives with his family after getting kicked out of his other apartment (his roommates had a baby and he was living in the room they were turning into a nursery) and I'm pretty sure that his mom would know it if he were seeing someone else ... and that she would have told me after spending hours and hours talking with her while he was at work one of the nights I was there ... that is not a fear of ours, especially since what wife would allow her hubby away for 3 weeks to visit a friend alone 2/3 of the way across the country?

I just wish that he could have told us about all this shit sooner - this "11th hour" crap isn't cutting it.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Although I don't know the motivations behind your subs actions and I would never presume to know, I can understand some of the things you mention in your posts.

Sometimes people do things for reasons that are unclear and not until much later, if then, are they understood. I recently made a decision that I think, hurt someone and made him doubt himself. When in truth, I was trying to protect that person from future injury and pain. If that pain is inevitable for him, I can't control that. However, I could control how my actions would, perhaps, accelerate it.

It was not a decision I made easily or lightly, but I saw a train wreck coming and I chose to move the car off the tracks.

Sometimes, one has to be cruel to be kind...

 

[Pure]

I was just giving a common example, SDs (the 'oops, I forgot to tell you I was married' thing). Let me put it this way: The fact that you're so surprised by the turn of events shows there are some things about the person or his situation that you did not know, or correctly assess. This is an entirely human thing. Think of the 'summer romance' phenomenon. What is learned in even 3 weeks, which can have the air of a holiday?

I would also add that your statement

and there is no way in hell that he was hiding another relationship from me *during that time*

recognizes the possibility of change. On the 'net, new connections can spring up in a couple days-- not heart felt romance, maybe, but enough thrill to dampen enthusiasm for settling.

you're merely human; there's no way, even in what you describe, to get 'all the facts', even assuming the person acted in good faith. Think of how sincerely undertaken vacation liaisons evaporate when the parties return to their respective turfs.

 

[Vixandra]

SD- my sympathies with both of you.

Not sure what to say that could help but if I did know I'd say it.

 

[SweetDommes]

SD- my sympathies with both of you.

Not sure what to say that could help but if I did know I'd say it.

Knowing that people care helps a ton ... and one of our friends from another site already promised to go hunt him down and just ship him to us if he doesn't make up his mind soon LOL

I am feeling better (probably because I slept a little ... but somehow, I'm thinking that 5 hours after being up for almost 24 isn't going to be enough .. hmmm... ) but I also know that I'm going to be going through hell until he lets us know one way or another - which means that I'm going to be driving Holly up the wall ... and of course, the worst part? He decided to do this right before the most hormonally - and of course, thus, emotionally - unstable part of my cycle ... how do they know? LOL

Oh, and rose? I know that this could save me a lot more hurt later - but really ... I wasn't quite totally blindsided by this (he had mentioned that he was nervous, but nothing to this extent), but it was close ... had he let us know earlier that this was a problem this large for him, I wouldn't be so entirely crushed over it.

 

[Aeroil]

my sympathies too, losing a loved one is difficult regardless of whether they're your pet or not

 

[SweetDommes]

ghosst thinks that I was premature in making this post .. but I really needed to get it out of my system if I was ever going to hope to get to sleep (which I finally did ... at 11am after being up since noon the day before).

I'm feeling a little better after having slept some, mostly because I tend to get paranoid in the extreme with a lack of sleep even when I don't have anything to be paranoid about.

He hasn't called tonight yet, so he's not very likely to

*sigh* Right now, I'm pretty torn about how I feel. The fact that he's not called tonight makes me worried that he's deciding to just break everything off, but then again, its only one night and he worked so he's probably tired and the weather might be bad enough that he just went straight home and he's not there to call yet so maybe he hasn't decided anything ... I really feel in my heart that he wants to come, but I'm also afraid that he will decide that it's too much of a risk.

 

[AZMajician]

Sweet Dommes.... what can I say....

I remember the frustrating times you both went thru while searching.. the many posts that were posted waiting and wondering.

I remember the few times we exchanged greetings and best wishes in the search for our desires.

I remember when you told us you thought you had found someone.. and I was happy for you both.

I am saddened by the turn of events you now bring to the forum.. and can totally sympathize with your feelings.

I still hope that things work out for you both, and that this new year brings you more happiness and alot less pain, anguish, and sorrow.

Maybe this New Year will bring you both, and myself happiness, and joy that we all deserve.

That this year will bring us that which we seek.

I met someone recently.. but she has only expressed an interest in the subject, but not a desire to follow the path. She is very vanilla in all of her life events, and very conservative in her public life.

Who knows what the future holds for anyone.. not I, and even though I am a Majician, I am not a mind reader or a sooth sayer...

But I wish the best for you both, and my self..

hugs,

Majic.

 

[SweetDommes]

Aw, thanks AZ ... I hope things work out for you.

*deep breath* At this point, he is still saying that he doesn't know ... but he talks like he has already made his mind up - he's not saying "I wanted to XXXX" or "It would be nice to do XXX" (one of which says to me "no I'm not coming" and the other says "I'm still entirely undecided") ... instead he's saying "I want to do XXX" and "I want to take you to XXX" - as if he is planning for the future to still be involved with us, and he knows that if he doesn't move in with us, he won't be involved with us ... not like that. The question is, does he realize that his subconcious has already made the decision? And is he actually going to have the courage to act upon that decision? He had it once ... we just have to hope that he still has it.

Oh yeah, he did call last night ... that's when he was making the "I want to XXX" statements LOL - he just called a lot later than he normally does.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You know fear can be a strange thing.....perhaps this is what is happening here. Maybe it is his way of processing that fear, letting you know how big a step this is for him in all ways, even though he knows on one level you already know and appreciate that. Maybe it is a necessary part of the process for him to be able to prep himself for the changes that are going to take place. I can speak from my own experience in that as much as you might want it, as much as you might be prepared and hungry for it to be reality, there is still a lot of grieving (and sometimes guilt) that takes place and does not disappear overnight....sometims that makes you behave in unexpected and seemingly confused ways as you get all parts of yourself in tune with where you find yourself, taking the time to say goodbye to one life and hello to another.

Catalina

 

[Sodality]

My Sympathies


You have my sympathies. I have to agree with what was previously stated about how often people forget that behind D/s behind all of the play and the internet, beyond all of the pretense and communications, lay real hearts that get really broken, reall feelings that can and do often times get crushed. I have seen it happen more often than not especially when people hook up on any online forum.

Granted sometimes it does work out and for that I am greatful for the couples trios polys etc, that it works for, but in the instances where people get crushed I reserve the tenderest part of my heart. It has happened to everyone and yet no one should suffer for the indecisions of another.

Communication is crucial and it is a wish I have for you both that the person in question just be honest about what plagues their thoughts and why they strung you both along for all of this time.

With that I wish you both only the best.

 

[SweetDommes]

Thanks Sodality

I haven't talked to him since Sunday morning early ... so of course, I'm a little worried again, but Holly did talk to him last night during his break at work, so he's not shutting us out totally again - and of course, with his recent habit of calling us after he goes home from work, he might still call us tonight *crosses fingers*

 

[Sodality]

A smile for you both



You are both VERY welcome

I will light my candles for you both and ask that things go your way. I know it's so hard right now..Im just hoping it gets so much better for you . I'll keep reading to keep up....

 

[ghosst_K&H]

they still have me

 

[blue kat]

Very lucky ladies, they are!

I do hope it works out and he comes home. I've sort of been there. When I started applying to do the year abroad thing at another university I sat down with my girl and discussed if she wanted to go with me, and I looked for a town that I thought we'd both like. She said she wanted to come to. (She's not a student anymore.) Then last fall, when push came to shove and I sat down and said "we can go here, here or here." She'd changed her mind. I was already committed, so it was take a year off or go. I hated to do it, but I released her. I couldn't stay, and she couldn't/wouldn't come, and I wasn't going to ask her to do the long distance thing, because it's too hard. We parted well, but I miss her.

 

[Richard49]

SD
you are in my heart and prayers