Crossdressing fears

[Nimbikarana]

I'm an M2F, i crossdress in private a lot...some weeks ago I spent a few hours in public...it was my first time to do so...it went well, but i was terrified the whole...i would love to try it again, but i'm too scared...almost every night i have terrors of being seen by someone i know (most of them xtians)...or of being seen in just my bra...or being made fun of...or asked really awkward questions...

 

[naughtyinsilk]

I'm an M2F, i crossdress in private a lot...some weeks ago I spent a few hours in public...it was my first time to do so...it went well, but i was terrified the whole...i would love to try it again, but i'm too scared...almost every night i have terrors of being seen by someone i know (most of them xtians)...or of being seen in just my bra...or being made fun of...or asked really awkward questions...

If you get seen in just your bra, I would suggest that means you had already pulled

Seriously though as a crossdresser I understand how you feel. I would suggest if you are afraid of being seen by people you know, then find somewhere, whether in another town or a particular club where people you know are unlikely to be, and go out in public there instead. Most gay bars are safe havens for crossdressers who wish to start going out and build up your confidence.
In my experience if you are "discovered" by a woman the worst that normally happens is that you get teased mercilessly and the best that can happen is that you get seduced. Men unfortunately it has to be said can act like a bunch of mindless, violent morons, however this has over the years become less likely to happen, nowadays offensive abuse is where most of them will stop.

The important thing to remember is BE SAFE, when travelling alone, drive or use taxis, avoid places where you know crossdressers are unlikely to be welcome, get to know if possible other TV's in your area, they will be able to advise you on local safe places and if you strike up a friendship, can accompany you on your outings.
In my experience, a group of 3 or 4 tvs, is unlikely to get much aggro whereever you go in town, but you may find yourselves fighting over to use any mirrrors that are available

Do you have any female friends who will accompany you, on your outings, this is particularly handy when you need to use the ladies loo, and having someone withyou is always a good shield against possible trouble.

Take care and enjoy your crossdressing and dont let any fear stop you doing it or enjoying it.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Of course it would be scary the first time out. Go out and have fun but don't get blind drunk that you could not handle any situations that might happen. Play it safe for a while until you feel street safe.

 

[Tymeless]

i can't help you much since i'm not dressing publicly yet just feel safe and enjoy yourself.

 

[Nimbikarana]

There aren't any gay bars or other liberal institutions here; I live in a small rural town in a very conservative country; and I can rarely afford the $25/each way train to the City.

Hm. Last night I went (in male clothes) to a local bar to get a feel for drinking and the social aspects of hanging out there. I enjoyed the grog (straight Bacardi), but there was a much smaller crowd than I expected, so there was barely any eye candy, let alone a chance to pick up. Will repeat the exercise in a slightly bigger town next week.

Another funny thing. If you've seen the movie "The 13th Warrior", you may remember a scene in which the Arab takes his heavy Viking sword to the metalsmith and gets it made into a small, lethal scimitar. My housemate, who knows i'm M2F, said to me, "See, you have been given this thick heavy broadsword and you need a metalworker to change it for you". I found the comment funny, poignant, and somehow strangely erotic.

 

[Tymeless]

well we are here for you i suggest u visit the transgender thread here in this forum we are a fun supporting group and will help u as much as possible!

 

[FraterElijahIAO]

i have a question for the crossdressers. when you are out in public at a bar do you use the men's or women's restroom. i ask this because my cd friend said she went to the gay bar and used the women's but was asked to leave. i wasnt there so not sure what exactly happened. but are you allowed to use the women's washroom or do they act like jerks? i never thought they would have done that at the gay bar.

 

[Nimbikarana]

I don't know about gay bars, but in general the toilet question is a big problem for TV,TS and so on. It's suggested to "go before you go out" and hold on as long as you can.

 

[Etoile]

Until unisex bathrooms are standard, transpeople will always have issues with which bathroom to use. And of course there are always people who act like jerks, perhaps more so in a bar where other patrons might be drunk and speak/act inappropriately. In a gay bar it's particularly difficult because there may not be a women's bathroom, or if there is it may be hard to find and not very clean. (That has been my experience in several gay bars in DC and Baltimore.)

Nimbikarana, if your housemate knows you are CD and doesn't mind, why not keep it at home until you feel more comfortable? Have you thought about why you want to take it into the public arena, if it scares you so much? Why do you want to go public? If you think about that and decide it's important to you, then you have a reason to work on developing your courage. If it's not that important to you, don't pressure yourself about it, you know?

 

[Nimbikarana]

Well I don't actually CD in front of him, although i'll probably start doing that this week or next. I want to go public because it's a criterion for SRS; I need to know whether I have the courage to do this.

 

[BosozokuX]

do not feel shy about the dressing in public thing. I, myself, have started wearing my female undergarments to work. I just cannot hep it. I love the way my thigh highs, garter and thing feel. I'm sure it helps alittle that I work in a porn store, but my girl clothes are always under my Dickies and t shirts. I never though I would have the courage to get that far, but it feels good. Do not give up. You do what you do for yourself and noone else. Never regret.

 

[Nimbikarana]

I CD'd in front of my housemate last night, he was fine with it as he told me he would be. It was a really cool feeling as a TS to dress in a way that matches how I see myself. My public CD'ing is going to have to be put on hold for a little while, until I can afford to visit distant towns again.

 

[Etoile]

I'm glad your housemate was so cool about it! That's awesome.

 

[Tymeless]

congrats i'm working up the nerve to do it in front of my sis and her boyfriend!

 

[noonenew]

why not have your housemate go out with you? Might be a little easier if you've got someone you know you're comfortable with to support.

 

[naughtyinsilk]

I CD'd in front of my housemate last night, he was fine with it as he told me he would be. It was a really cool feeling as a TS to dress in a way that matches how I see myself. My public CD'ing is going to have to be put on hold for a little while, until I can afford to visit distant towns again.

Congratulations, iso glad it went well.
For the future it may help your confidence if you dress at home regularly in front of your housemate.

 

[Nimbikarana]

Thank you all.

 

[Interested2]

You really should drive to a nearby town where you don't know people. I have done that several times and loved it. After a while you get comfortable. I went into a mall shopped for a while and even used the womens restroom. It has been years or so since and I am really thinking of getting back into it.

 

[Mirror_tan]

i have a question for the crossdressers. when you are out in public at a bar do you use the men's or women's restroom. i ask this because my cd friend said she went to the gay bar and used the women's but was asked to leave. i wasnt there so not sure what exactly happened. but are you allowed to use the women's washroom or do they act like jerks? i never thought they would have done that at the gay bar.

That's a complicated issue. As long as you pass you get to use the women's facilities anywhere. Legally...maybe not. But if nobody knows...nobody knows.

And as I stated in another thread, there's sometimes hostility among gays towards transgender and CDs. They feel that we misrepresent them, because the media often portrays gay men as effeminate and as crossdressers, implying that being gay makes you less of a man. They see crossdressers as the agent of that misconception and therefore see it justifiable to discriminate against them. Like the Rodney King riots, although the white police officers were the trigger of the anger, the trigger was inaccessible to the poor minorities in the ghetto, so the next target was the Koreans, who were the next shade in skin color down, and because of the Latasha Harlan incident in New York, were seen as virtual white accomplices in racism.

 

[Etoile]

That's a complicated issue. As long as you pass you get to use the women's facilities anywhere. Legally...maybe not. But if nobody knows...nobody knows.

Actually, federal law allows any person to use the bathroom of the gender they are presenting as. If you're presenting as a woman, you can use the women's restroom, even if you don't pass at all. This is from Cruzan v. Davis of 2002 - information here.

And as I stated in another thread, there's sometimes hostility among gays towards transgender and CDs. They feel that we misrepresent them, because the media often portrays gay men as effeminate and as crossdressers, implying that being gay makes you less of a man. They see crossdressers as the agent of that misconception and therefore see it justifiable to discriminate against them.

Wow. Obviously, I'm not a gay man. But that just sounds...surprising. I guess I can see how it would seem that way from a CD's perspective, but I don't think that's necessarily the case in every situation. I think there's probably also an element of the same misogyny practiced against women. I think the same gay men who are misogynists and hate women, probably also don't like TV/CD women. Perhaps in part because of the female presentation, rather than the lack of male (masculine) presentation. But still, it's possible...an interesting concept.

Like the Rodney King riots, although the white police officers were the trigger of the anger, the trigger was inaccessible to the poor minorities in the ghetto, so the next target was the Koreans, who were the next shade in skin color down, and because of the Latasha Harlan incident in New York, were seen as virtual white accomplices in racism.

I guess here I don't really understand where you're coming from. This seems out of left field. I am familiar with the Korean angle on Rodney King and the Latasha Harlins incident, but how does this relate to perceived gay persecution of CD's for misrepresenting masculinity? Or are you saying that gay men can't lash out at the media for their inaccurate portrayal, so they unleash it on CD's?

 

[Mirror_tan]

Actually, federal law allows any person to use the bathroom of the gender they are presenting as. If you're presenting as a woman, you can use the women's restroom, even if you don't pass at all. This is from Cruzan v. Davis of 2002 - information here.


Wow. Obviously, I'm not a gay man. But that just sounds...surprising. I guess I can see how it would seem that way from a CD's perspective, but I don't think that's necessarily the case in every situation. I think there's probably also an element of the same misogyny practiced against women. I think the same gay men who are misogynists and hate women, probably also don't like TV/CD women. Perhaps in part because of the female presentation, rather than the lack of male (masculine) presentation. But still, it's possible...an interesting concept.


I guess here I don't really understand where you're coming from. This seems out of left field. I am familiar with the Korean angle on Rodney King and the Latasha Harlins incident, but how does this relate to perceived gay persecution of CD's for misrepresenting masculinity? Or are you saying that gay men can't lash out at the media for their inaccurate portrayal, so they unleash it on CD's?

1, Oh really? On a different forum, crossressers.com, I got the sense of the opposite. Ah well, better for me then. ^^

3, I'll try to explain better. It's an accessibility issue. A person cannot easily attack the media misrepresenting them since it's run largely by suits in tall office buildings. Likewise, the caucasians that blacks saw as the perpetrators of the Rodney King beating acquittal were far away in the suburbs and in gated communities, (with the exception of the riot beating of Denny (I can't rmemeber the full name) caught on tape, the famous shot of the man being dragged out of the truck) and inaccessable. So since they could not direct their dissatisfaction at the real source, they passed it on to a secondary of associated source of dissatisfaction. Many Blacks looting and burning in the riots later justified the actions, saying that Korean businesses discriminated against Blacks (in some cases yes), or that they were trying to pollute their community with cheap liquor. Some, such as the infamous hate group, the Nation of Islam accused Koreans of conspiring with Whites, in a conspiracy to destroy Black communities, and thus the lootings were perfectly justified.

 

[oddity83]

Unless you look like your male self when your out as your new self, there should a very low risk of people that know you knowing that it is you.

 

[Etoile]

1, Oh really? On a different forum, crossressers.com, I got the sense of the opposite. Ah well, better for me then. ^^

Wow, that forum looks really cool. I probably will lurk around there but I'd be afraid of posting since I'm not a CD myself...I see there is a GG's forum, are there a lot of GG's around? I like that they have a FTM forum too, that is SO awesome. Thanks for the link!

3, I'll try to explain better. It's an accessibility issue. A person cannot easily attack the media misrepresenting them since it's run largely by suits in tall office buildings. Likewise, the caucasians that blacks saw as the perpetrators of the Rodney King beating acquittal were far away in the suburbs and in gated communities, (with the exception of the riot beating of Denny (I can't rmemeber the full name) caught on tape, the famous shot of the man being dragged out of the truck) and inaccessable. So since they could not direct their dissatisfaction at the real source, they passed it on to a secondary of associated source of dissatisfaction. Many Blacks looting and burning in the riots later justified the actions, saying that Korean businesses discriminated against Blacks (in some cases yes), or that they were trying to pollute their community with cheap liquor. Some, such as the infamous hate group, the Nation of Islam accused Koreans of conspiring with Whites, in a conspiracy to destroy Black communities, and thus the lootings were perfectly justified.

This makes more sense now. Thank you.

 

[Etoile]

Just a couple of random thoughts. I was looking at FemmeFever.com and they have before and after MTF pics there and they got me thinking. I hope these tips are accepted in the helpful spirit in which they are given...just things maybe you hadn't thought of.

1) Never wear a hairstyle that's too young for you. My mother-in-law has thin hair and she wears wigs, and she has one that looks like it should be on a teenager - but she's over 60. A couple of the CD's on this site are guilty of the same mistake...wear hair that's appropriate to your age. (Big hair is also usually a giveaway, just because so many natal women have dead lifeless hair!)

2) Don't wear makeup on your face that is lighter than the rest of you. I have seen a lot of CD's whose faces are white like a ghost and their skin a more normal color. Matching your foundation to your skin is essential...it is another giveaway when your face is much too light.

 

[naughtyinsilk]

Just a couple of random thoughts. I was looking at FemmeFever.com and they have before and after MTF pics there and they got me thinking. I hope these tips are accepted in the helpful spirit in which they are given...just things maybe you hadn't thought of.

1) Never wear a hairstyle that's too young for you. My mother-in-law has thin hair and she wears wigs, and she has one that looks like it should be on a teenager - but she's over 60. A couple of the CD's on this site are guilty of the same mistake...wear hair that's appropriate to your age. (Big hair is also usually a giveaway, just because so many natal women have dead lifeless hair!)

2) Don't wear makeup on your face that is lighter than the rest of you. I have seen a lot of CD's whose faces are white like a ghost and their skin a more normal color. Matching your foundation to your skin is essential...it is another giveaway when your face is much too light.

Geat advice. I would say especially in relation to number one, observe the hair styles and make up schemes worn by women of your own approximate age when you are out. I find this people watching more helpful than any book when it comes to finding out the small but significant touches. For example a man and a woman will eat a chocolate in a totally different manner. A woman will nibble and sabour each small piece before swallowing, whereas a guy will normally wolf in down in two or three pieces.