Cross-Dressing

[Sammyjo]

Alright...I met this guy online. It's been a few months now, we've chatted, exchanged e-mails, pictures, everything you would normally do when getting to know someone. He's from England, which makes it unlikely that we would ever meet to begin with, so I've tried to keep the flirting and stuff to a minimum. He's talked about visiting and possibly moving here. I may have led him on somewhat in that respect. It's always nice to meet new people, and probably would have no qualms about meeting him.

He told me today that he's a cross-dresser...that he goes out like that, that he is very much attracted to women, but likes to dress in drag and go to clubs.

I didn't say anything negative about it, was really supportive of his choice to do that, discussed his insecurities about it, etc. But I think I may have hurt his feelings unintentionally. While I find nothing inherently wrong with this, I am not sure I "like" it. I pretty much told him that I didn't think it was a good idea for him to make plans to be "with" me. I cited numerous examples as to why I am not good relationship material, blah blah blah...and didn't hear back from him. Now, I honestly think all the things I was telling him, I didn't just say it because of the cross-dressing (though that may have added to my decision to say it when I did). I have said this to a lot of people, probably some of you are reading this right now.

I guess my questions are: How would you respond to this? What would be your reaction? Would you quit all communication with this person? Would you continue as is? Would it turn you totally on? or totally off?

I'm so confused because I was really starting to like "him" and I'm not sure I can accept the "her" part of him. Is there something wrong with ME?

If you would prefer to not answer here, I understand, my e-mail is in my profile if you'd like to respond anonymously, your response will be kept confidential.

Thanks for your help.

Sammy

 

[Endlessly]

Story time..

Ummmmm.

I'm bi-curious, eh? (Hey, this IS Canada day.) I'm not sure how I'd react to knowing a guy I had a thing for made a hotter woman than I do (though I -heard- Himself made a damn sexy woman one halloween, I've not had to SEE it.) If I loved the person, it'd probably make me a little apprehensive but I'd continue to love them; if they were only friends I'd just giggle and take it as a quirk. If it were somewhere in between.. I honestly don't know what my reaction would be.

Your quandry reminded me of something that happened to me recently though. I've completely cut Himself out of my life (SO don't need the grief), and was all ready to swear off internet relationships thinking once was enough when I met a guy that really struck my interest and a high chord of attraction. I thought it was dumb-- I've been online since before the Internet, back when everything was bulletin boards when I was in third grade-- and I've never been in a 'net relationship until I met himself a couple years ago.

ANYway. I felt myself falling for this guy..

Then he told me 'he' was a lesbian woman.

It kinda threw me for a loop, y'know?

I mean, as I said, the idea of being with a woman turns me on. But the idea that this man I thought I knew fairly well, whom I trusted, had turned out to be lying to me and was a female-- it took a little getting used to. Are she and I still friends? Definitely. Will anything ever happen between us? I don't know. Are things the same as they were now that I know the truth? Of course not.

In an odd way, you have my sympathy, and I understand.

 

[Beebeeblue]

I guess my questions are: How would you respond to this? What would be your reaction? Would you quit all communication with this person? Would you continue as is? Would it turn you totally on? or totally off?

Thanks for your help.

Sammy

How would I respond??? "Just dont wear that outfit. Im wearing it tonite"

Honestly Sammyjo. I don't know. I wouldnt just quit talking to him...just lay off a little. Maybe he will understand.

 

[Sammyjo]

He laid this guilt trip on me sort of...

"I thought you were open-minded enough to accept this."

Good Lord. So did I...I can't pretend it doesn't bother me a little bit. I mean, at this point, I have no intention of things going anywhere. We may continue to chat online, but like I said, he's in England...I'm here. I guess I'm just glad it happened now instead of later on.

The only thing is, I can't get those other pics out of my head. When I would think about him, I saw the HE pictures, now I just see him dressed as a woman...and I don't like that at all. I don't want to see him like that because that isn't who he is 24/7. I just can't get it out of my head.

Maybe I'm just being shallow, but I can't pretend it's ok if it isn't...although, I still don't know if it is or isn't....see? grrrrr

 

[SimplySouthern]

Here's my opinion...for what it's worth.

I think people tend to hold "net-relationships" to a different standard than "IRL relationships". This is ridiculous. If something is happening that you aren't sure about, judge it in terms of what you would do had this man lived in the same town you did. Say you meet him at the grocery store. Nice enough guy, and you begin to talk on the phone. He tells you he's a cross-dresser. What now? Do you still go out with him or do you realize that you can't handle this and tell him so.

I don't think your honesty with him is something you should be ashamed of. At least you had the (pardon the expression) balls to tell him how you felt about the situation.

Myself, I'm not sure I could handle having a man that dressed as a woman, even if I were very in love with him. It may not be a popular thing to say, but that's how I feel. I know that I am very attracted to very big, very strong, overly manly men. (I like to be able to smell the testosterone) I digress...it's my opinion that you should examine the situation not as an online relationship but as any relationship you wuld have IRL and decide what your next step would/should be.

*glad she's not in this situation...I can see myself pissing someone off (tact isn't my srtong suit)*

 

[Kamiyue2c]

He laid this guilt trip on me sort of...

"I thought you were open-minded enough to accept this."

Putting a guilt trip on someone is usually the work of an angry person. Thinking you can handle something and actually handling something are two very different things. Maybe at a later date you will be able to put it past you, but if you're not comfortable with it now then that's the way it is. Nothing he or anyone else says can change your feelings, those are in your mind.

I had a terrible reaction to finding out my sister was gay, but I saw she was happy and wasn't really any different than the way she had been before. The only difference was the way I looked at her. Also true was I was in contact with her, not just letters, phone calls or e-mail. My chance of looking at her face as she looked at the one she loves showed me how she really felt and all the hidden prejudices in the back of my mind went away. As for my father, he hasn't accepted her love as he accepts my wife and this has been going on for 17 years now.

Each person has their own way and you just have to follow yours. Give it time and do what is right for you.

e2c

 

[CurlyGirly]

My story

I consider myself a fairly open-minded person. But almost the exact same thing happened to me. A coworker of mine set me up on a blind date a while ago. He lived about an hour from here, so he called before hand and we talked on the phone quite a bit. He understood that I enjoyed women as well, and he was ok with that. We really did click on the phone, and when we met we had a really nice double date with my coworker and her fiance. He wanted to rush into physical things, but I really wasn't ready. In the weeks that followed, we talked almost every night on the phone. That was when he revealed to me his desire to wear women's clothing. That he thought he was a woman trapped in a man's body. Ok, now I'm bisexual, and I have tons of gay friends but I just could NOT deal with it at first. I acted very badly and was so repulsed by him that I just stopped answering his phone calls and emails. I feel horrible about this now. Luckily he found someone accepting and got married to her, and they lived happily ever after.

Almost exactly a year ago, I met my current partner at work. I was instantly attracted to her and we went out on a few dates. It was when we finally ended up going to bed together that I realized that this incredible woman was still anatomically a man. When she told me I was floored, but I was already so smitten by her. I'm glad that I didn't do to her what I did to the previous person. She is the most amazing person I have ever met, and I love her more than anything. She's really taught me how to be more accepting and openminded. She has lived as a woman for 3 years and is getting the surgery this fall. I was so ashamed to tell her about how I treated the guy before but she was very understanding and doesn't hold that against me. She's my soulmate, and I'm so glad I have her in my life.

I don't really know what I was trying to illustrate here. Above all give yourself time to get used to the idea. If it's not for you, it's not for you. Be honest with him/her. He/she could turn out to be the person of your dreams, or just a really fantastic friend.

 

[Sammyjo]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate hearing your take on things.

Sometimes it is hard to know how you would react if you haven't been put in a specific situation. Which is why I thought that something like that wouldn't bother me. I realize and understand that everyone is different, that I shouldn't apologize for my feelings, that he shouldn't apologize for being who he is. I am torn here, because I don't know how I would respond to him if he were someone I knew IRL. I might be totally accepting of it. I think it's easier to blow internet relations off because it is just something that you don't have to respond to or deal with if you choose not to.

I still have a lot of thinking to do. I just keep thinking that if things went any further, I don't know how I would respond to him dressing that way around me or my daughter. And maybe I shouldn't think that way so soon in the relationship, but I hate to NOT think that way and wind up totally confused and hurting everyone in the long run.

I'm going to bed...and hopefully NOT dreaming about cross- dressers.

 

[Sammyjo]

Not that I'm trying to keep this thread open or anything:

We briefly spoke last night, and it wasn't at all uncomfortable...despite the fact that I was wondering whether he looked more male or female at that exact moment...

Still, I can't get past this. Maybe in the future, if we continue to talk, but not today. Too much associated with it.

He went to far as to say that he would STOP for the right person. That scared me, because I don't want to be the person who makes another person miserable because they have to give up a big part of themselves just to make me happy.

So, I sent him a long e-mail, which he most certainly has read by now...and he hasn't responded. Usually, I wake up to something in my inbox...not today. I'm sure that I've lost a potential friend over this, but there isn't much I can do about it. I have been supportive of it, but I can't have it as a major part of my life.

 

[Never]

Re: Story time..

When I first began surfing the dark side of the 'net so many years ago I met someone with the handle 'Whipping Girl.'
If you hadn't guess already, Whipping Girl was a man. He told me this only a few minutes after our meeting so he gets points for being upfront and honest. He said he felt he was more female than male and for the majority of our friendship I treated him and acted as though he were female.
While this truly has little to do with this thread, I'll say he was quite a bit more feminine than many of the woman I've met and certainly one of the most wonderful individuals I've known.

Now, I'm a liberal sort I suppose and Whipping Girl was one of the many, unassuming trans-whatevers lurking around so I'm not going to say whether you should react one way or the other to your friend telling you he was a cross dresser. I will point out though that he has opened up to you and told you the truth, such acts typically come at a high emotional cost, and that your rejection of that part of him is rejecting all of him. Yes, people react negatively to that sort of thing.

While it is my nature to do the typical 'acceptance for everyone' routine at this point I'll have to skip. If you honestly can't handle, or don't want to deal with this part of him tell him. Everyone has a right to some degree of comfort in their personal lives and that shouldn't be disrupted by another's idea of who they truly are or what's considered 'PC' at the moment. You pretending it doesn't bother you will boomerang into large troubles in the future.

It's late and I'll probably be clarifying this post at some point in the future..

Ummmmm.
Then he told me 'he' was a lesbian woman.

It kinda threw me for a loop, y'know?

I know I'll get no high points for this. I know no one will get it. In fact, it might be in poor taste, I being the lesbian in question but..

Hmmm, was her name Andy?

*Got milk?*