Critiques: Bannon's Binge

[Walin]

I am writing Bannon's Binge, and would like some input.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=480724

It's up at the top, in two parts so far. Thanks in Advance.

Walin

 

[driphoney]

Bumping this so it might get a comment or two. I'll try to read later, but from my first glance, it looks really nice.

 

[Walin]

Thanks. Please read! Glad you like so far. I'm struggling, cause noone seems interested. I know I should write for me first, but if nobody cares what's the point? >.<

Also, bump.

 

[driphoney]

Okay. I've read both chapters. You have a great imagination and you need a better reviewer than me, because there are a few clunky parts but I'm not sure why (probably because I have the same issues!) I think maybe the reason you haven't attracted commenters is the title of your thread. It might appear to be giving a critique of Bannon's Binge. *shrug*

So, I'll point out what I do see, and what issues I find as a reader. Before I start, let me stress again, I think you have a good storyteller imagination and this appears to be a great premise for a story. I keep thinking I'm not a sci-fi fan, but then I run across things like this and I find I might need to reconsider my supposed likes and dislikes!

You seem to be unsure how to punctuate dialogue. If it were a couple of times, I'd think they were just typos, but it follows throughout the whole piece.

What's correct:

"Hand job?" came from her mouth quickly

"Shut up, you know you like it. Besides, if I weren't the best fuck you've had in a long time" belt undone, pants unbuttoned, quickly swelling cock removed "you'd be making those deliveries now." Michelle's hands began to stroke, . . .

What's not:

"Hey, that hurts. Lube me up first." Jallin darted . . .

"Maybe you should stay in tonight, then. Leave the rest for the morning" M'Tokilat ordered from under his mask.

"Night M." she hurled around the door, hands already reaching back to remove her apron.

"I was in the neighborhood already. Had a delivery. Figured I'd stop in. Don't let that stop the dirty messages, though." he smiled.

The above 4 have the same problem. When dialogue does not end the sentence, or is not using either a question or exclamation mark, it gets a comma, like this:

"Maybe you should stay in tonight, then. Leave the rest for the morning," M'Tokilat ordered from under his mask.

See? Easy, peasy.

A couple other things:

The shower felt great. Michelle pushed the button to stop the water, reaching for a towel from behind the curtain. Grasping only air, she peeked her head out to find Abraham standing in the doorway holding the towel. "I was going to call you and leave a few dirty messages. " s", she told him, stepping out into the cold air of the bathroom. Her nipples instantly hardened, gooseflesh rising along her spine and arms, cascading down her body. She shivered.

Since I'm a horrible grammarian, this is probably either wrong or just a stylistic preference on my part, but in the above, I would give the dialogue a new paragraph. I just have a thing, for some reason, about buried dialogue.

"I never do, do I?" she said, her towel in hand and running across her body, "You going to be free tonight?"

"Shut up, you know you like it. Besides, if I weren't the best fuck you've had in a long time," she said, and soon she had his belt undone, pants unbuttoned, and his quickly swelling cock removed," you'd be making those deliveries now."

The above have a couple of issues. One, the use--or lack of, rather--commas. But the thing I wanted to point out is that while it flows for you as a writer (I have done exactly this same thing), it's jarring and a bit confusing for the reader. You have to help us out a little. I put my suggestions in purple. (You think I have enough colors going on?)

There are several grammar How To's here on Lit that can help you learn about all these little nuisances. You have a few more, such as your use of the ellipsis ( . . . ). Also, be careful about switching from the action of one character to the dialogue of another inside a single paragraph. Even though I seem to have gone on and on about it, grammar's easy to fix. You should consider finding an editor to work with you.

So, on to the important part: the story itself. As I said, I like the premise, but your hook leading into the story could be better. "She was doing dishes" doesn't twinkle the mental nerve endings. It's a dull beginning to an otherwise high action story.

I'm not sure where you're going with this, and it's great to see characters change and grow over time, so Michelle might have that coming in the future, but right now, I don't like her. She's your main protag, and there have been recent talk here on the boards about a main character not needing to be likable. I agree that it doesn't, but man-oh-man, if you're going to drag me through several chapters, I'm going to need to be able to relate to the main character. From what I can tell, she was raised well, but like many young people, was bored down on the farm, and next thing I know, she's pushed into using her body and seems to like being used, seems to like sex for sex's sake, and then seems to like using others. Oh. But then there's Abraham. What does she really think about him? She seems to just want him as a booty call. But he, bless his poor heart, loves her! I really like Abraham. A lot.

I'm curious about what you're trying to do with Michelle. Is she just a fantasy of yours? Is she going to learn some hard lessons soon and grow? Are you just trying to make her appear tough? If she had a troubled life, I could sympathize a bit with her callous personality, it would give me something to build on.

The story, so far, has me interested and wanting more, in spite of Sex Fiend Michelle. I do hope others will come along and give you a comment. I'm mostly just a reader, so my analysis leaves a lot to be desired.

No matter what, I think you should keep writing.

 

[Walin]

THAT was amazing. Thank you for the comments, tips, and pointing out of my various grammar idiosyncrasies.

Mostly what I was wanting to hear was story related. This idea is very undeveloped, and it does show. As a character, Michelle is pretty flat, I know, but I was surprised at the liking of Abraham. This whole thing started as a way to challenge myself, and grow as a writer, as this is the first story of this type I've written.

Thank you again for the comments and insight. I've hit writer's block with this one, and have moved on to another for the moment, but I want to visit this world again. Oddly, I think I had more fun writing the nonsexual parts of this one (the light cycles and such). The GF however was much help, as she would get quite excited and then boff my brains out after reading many of the portions. Definitely good inspiration for writing more.

 

[nerk]

Thanks Walin, I just finished chapter one... was a great read. It had the right mix (for me) of lots of sex, but still having a narrative with situations and characters that are interesting.

Like you, I often find when I write a sex story, that the story ends up being more fun to write than the sex, especially when you're pushing your imagination out into science fiction, or some other realm. It's the non-sex elements, for me, that make a sex story work. Once I'm interested in the character and story, I can get into reading all about their sex lives, and you do a great job of hooking us, teasing us with her memories, and reeling us in bit by bit.

One small problem, and this is pretty nitpicky, but it stood out for me:

"His eyes very obviously roamed her body, from her toes to her tidily trimmed pubic hair, across her toned but not too muscular stomach, past her ample size C/D breasts bulls eyed with erect nipples, and finishing with her hazel eyes."

One sentence tells us her eye color, her pubic hairstyle, her cup size, and the conditions of her abs and nips. We're with this character for the whole story, and she's naked for a lot of it. This info can be spread out a little. It's a very common thing in erotica to stop and describe the character's naked body as soon as they get naked, but to me, it interrupts the flow of the action. Let the action flow and use the description throughout. As I said, nit-picky, but otherwise, it was such a fun, smoothly flowing read that I thought it worth mentioning.

 

[TheLovelyLickerish1]

I, too, read both chapters and found them enjoyable. You've left us all hanging, waiting to find out what happened. Really nice descriptive writing. I can't wait for the next chapter, and sci-fi is really not my cup o tea, so, good job!

My main critique, and it stopped me in my tracks when I hit it, was the word assumedly. 'Assumedly to let the ship drive itself' would flow better as presumably, I think. It's not that assumedly is wrong; by definition it's a good enough word to use, but as a refinement, presumably is the word you're looking for. Not really sure why that word threw me; it just seems out of place, but again, that's just my opinion.

As for the description of her nekkid body, if you're going to name a cup size, you should pick one. I know IRL bras are available in almost cups (in between sizes) but as far as describing your character, you should decide if she's a C or a D.

Since they're posted, I guess some of this is too late, but better late than never.

Now get cracking on part III!