Critique?

[Elianna]

Okay. So I got this really interesting "Critique" in my feedback this morning.

Enhance scene description and clarification of purpose while maintaining action and excitement. A delicate balance but this author is capable. Looking forward to watching a budding author grow and improve.

Wow. Just what I've been looking for! But Mr. Anonymous left this for me without telling me who he/she was. Here I have all these questions to ask like: "where do you think I should enhance description?" "What do you mean by clarification of purpose?"

Grrr... so anyone want to help Mr. Anonymous elaborate? This was about The Last Descendant Ch. 05, by the way. Thanks, Sensualist2.

 

[Sensualist2]

which story?

Okay. So I got this really interesting "Critique" in my feedback this morning.



Wow. Just what I've been looking for! But Mr. Anonymous left this for me without telling me who he/she was. Here I have all these questions to ask like: "where do you think I should enhance description?" "What do you mean by clarification of purpose?"

Grrr... so anyone want to help Mr. Anonymous elaborate?

does this crit relate to?

 

[Elianna]

does this crit relate to?

Oh whoops!

The Last Descendant Ch. 05

I better put that up in the original post. Good call.

 

[_Lynn_]

Okay. So I got this really interesting "Critique" in my feedback this morning.



Wow. Just what I've been looking for! But Mr. Anonymous left this for me without telling me who he/she was. Here I have all these questions to ask like: "where do you think I should enhance description?" "What do you mean by clarification of purpose?"

Grrr... so anyone want to help Mr. Anonymous elaborate? This was about The Last Descendant Ch. 05, by the way. Thanks, Sensualist2.

I'll try to look at it tomorrow for you. It's late tonight.

 

[_Lynn_]

I read the chapter today.

First ...

In the evenings we mix a little strong drink with it and it manages to take the chill out of your limbs after riding all day." If it’s ‘we mix’ then it’s ‘our limbs’ not ‘your’.)

"Well," Kelda said, his eyes returning to the present, "While your Imperial Highness was off in dreamland, I was commenting about the tactics of the upcoming battle. I'd put a period after 'present'.

girl...well, she didn't seem too conquered to me." An ellipsis has a space on each side of it when you use the three dots according to CMS

He was looking forward to working the quiet nights for a while, and how he's back to daytime marches. Should be 'now'

but when her eyes fell upon him, How do eyes fall on someone? A glance can, but the eyes would have to come out of the sockets.
That's just some quick 'editing' thoughts for you. I noticed other errors as well.


As for the comment left ... The first part is obvious. "enhance scene description" There is little that tells us what's around them. I don't get a picture of where they are much at all.

"clarification of purpose" I'm wondering if it pertains to the information you gave us. Does everything you wrote have a purpose in the story? If not, then delete it, since it's useless. Clarify the important parts by making them fit into the story in other places.

If you say she had a limp, then use that somewhere to make it important enough that you told us.

If you write that his horse 'read' his mind and did incredible things, then show that somewhere. Otherwise, there's no purpose in that information.

Each big piece of information should have a reason to be in the story. It's like a puzzle. They all should fit together in the end. Anything left over is useless.

Okay, that's just my opinion.

 

[Elianna]

Thanks ML!

I think you and Mr. Anonymous are correct. I cut out some description of the setting right towards the climax.

Yeah. I still make those little grammatical mistakes "eyes fell" "pouting" dialogue. I think I'm doing it less, but they slip by me.

I'm struggling with "purpose." I read back. I have little details in there, but all of them seem to have a purpose (in my mind). Does anyone see anything that just seemed "useless" or random. Maybe I just don't see it in my own work. Or maybe they have purpose in my mind, but I didn't convey them well enough.