Critique the Story thus far - Suggestions on where to go from here

[ColoradoRon]

Hi All

I have started a story about two co-workers getting together and having an affair. I have finished the first two chapters (attached to this message as a text document). I would appreciate any constructive feedback as well as suggestions about what tract the story should take from here. I intend to upload the whole story to the appropriate section of this site when completed.

You efforts in helping me improve the story will be greatly appreciated.

ColoradoRon

 

[jon.hayworth]

Ok Colorado Ron,

I read your story and frankly it was not very impressive.

First get rid of the "shopping list" type descriptions. Don't chuck his hieght, weight, size of his cock at me as statements -especially so the paragraph reads like the description on a wanted poster Try to describe within your narrative drip feed the information, letting the reader use their own imagination to fill the gaps.

Make up your mind about style you are writing the coy "male appendage" does not gel with "cock" a few lines on.

If you are going to write a long story then you need to develop your characters on an emotional level. They have feelings prick them and they bleed, kick them and they hurt, push them out the door and they will be sad or mad - tell me which tell me why.

A question for you - When you are writing can you see and touch your characters - can you talk to them? What I am saying is if they are alive to you bring them alive to me.

Keep on working on the story - Have you plotted it - Where is it going - What are the obstacles they will encounter and have to overcome.

Sometimes it helps to know at least the outline of your final chapter or section. Take a look through the Lit stories see how many have a weak ending because the writer did not have a clear goal to achieve.

My latest story A ROYAL SCREW was really tightly plotted - and as such I believe it starts right on the button and ends on the mark. As such I am proud of it.

jon

 

[white_lace]

I read your story and u have a great start. The only thing i think that may make this story better so more people will read it is elaborate on the paragraph. Dont make your paragraphs so choppy.

 

[ColoradoRon]

Thanks to the people who reviewed my work and offered suggestions. I sincerely appreciate your effort. I want to write the best story I can!

Ouch!!! I guess the truth hurts. I am now, however, totally confused. Jon says I shouldn't have laundry list discriptions. I am only writing what I have read. For example, I grabbed a couple of books written by well known authors off my bookshelf and saw:

From Lee Child's Tripwire, pg 4 I read:
"He was old, maybe sixty, medium height, bulky. A doctor would have called him overweight. but..."

From Pete Hautman's Short Money, pg 14 (first page of the book)there is likewise a laundry list description:
"Doctor Nelson Bellweather, a pudgy, mild-looking, soft-featured, small eyed man with thin, pale hair and smooth, polished cheeks, laughed.

All that aside, I took another look at what I have written and wrote Bill's discription differently. For example, I no longer say he is big or 6'2". I give the reader a sense of his size by informing them that he has difficulty fitting in the shower and his height by the fact that he has to bend his head to fit under the shower. The fact that he has a full head of black haid is communicated to the reader as he shampoos it. These passages are now distributed throughout the first chapter. I believe this is what Jon meant.

I've uploaded the new text to my original post. Still looking for feedback.

I've also outlined the rest of the story and know where I'm going with it and how i get there. Whew! Writing is such hard work!

Thanks for the input, all...I'll keep at it until I get it right.

 

[jon.hayworth]

Ron

I have sent you a mail with some suggested changes.

But in my opinion you have improved your story no end and this time I did not have to force myself to read it.

Keep writing!!

jon

 

[Whispersecret]

From Lee Child's Tripwire, pg 4 I read:
"He was old, maybe sixty, medium height, bulky. A doctor would have called him overweight. but..."

From Pete Hautman's Short Money, pg 14 (first page of the book)there is likewise a laundry list description:
"Doctor Nelson Bellweather, a pudgy, mild-looking, soft-featured, small eyed man with thin, pale hair and smooth, polished cheeks, laughed.

All that aside, I took another look at what I have written and wrote Bill's discription differently. For example, I no longer say he is big or 6'2". I give the reader a sense of his size by informing them that he has difficulty fitting in the shower and his height by the fact that he has to bend his head to fit under the shower. The fact that he has a full head of black haid is communicated to the reader as he shampoos it. These passages are now distributed throughout the first chapter. I believe this is what Jon meant.

YES. Your revision of the description is on the money! Much more creative and descriptive. This stuff about the shower gives the reader a vivid image, whereas numbers, like 6'2", are just numbers. Excellent work, CR.

 

[PaulX35]

Detail and livelyness

Ron,

I think it's not necessarily bad to be descriptive, but when you are you may want to look at using simply different ways to present such info. The line up of adjectives is often tiring as it does nothing to pull the reader into the story, and often part of that info can wait until the time is there. Mentioning cock-size becomes relevant when the clothes are off, so you can leave it out - so to say - as long as two people are flirting in a bar.

Someone else also mentioned that charcaaters fail to start to live without emotional qualifications. Simple words like "shy", "curious", "aggressive" or whatever tell you something about the inner of the character.

Good luck!