Critique request

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I stand naked before you. I have no secrets. You know me, in ways that only one who cherishes me could ever know. You're the Anais Nin of my existence. Let us wander in those shining fields: nattering nabobs together...Close your eyes....it's right there....

Please put your clothes on; you have more strange shapes and forms than a clown can make with a bag of balloons inflated and twisted together.

 

[optimizer888]

Quite simply, I'd expect people possessed of these extraordinary abilities to be more different and interesting than they are. I'd expect them to have kind of complex feelings for each other and for what they're doing, given the bizarre consequences of their lives.

Of course, their lives were relatively ordinary until recently, and however modified they are fundamentally human... but I take your point.

I think there'd be some shame and desperation in what they're doing--a chance to make love and connect with another human being after all this time--but they just go at it like a couple of fuck-dummies. The descriptions of sex focus on technique rather than emotion.

I'm afraid I don't follow the 'shame' part - I don't see anything to feel guilty about. Desperation I agree with, and tried to convey. Clearly, not well enough.

I don't try to focus on the physical aspects per se, too, but on the other hand I also feel it a cheat not to describe what's going on, either. A difficult balance to strike at times.

I have to wonder too whether the lengthy explanation of how they got their powers and all is really handled in the best way, It would have been nice if all this history could have come out in the course of conversation between them, rather than as a long aside to the reader that stops the progress of the story dead in its tracks. That's work, I know, but that's the kind of thing that separates the good authors from the merely adequate ones.

I worried about that, too. I set myself the goal of a short story, though, and this was about it for ideas I had that lent themselves to anything short. I did try to mix it up enough that interest in both sides was maintained... but clearly that didn't work as well as I'd have liked.

I think I may have to accept that what talents I have - and/or the premises that interest me - don't lend themselves to short stories.

Hope this helps.

Indeed it does. Since I write longer pieces, I get almost exclusively positive feedback; only interested people make it to the end. But your points apply regardless of length.

 

[optimizer888]

Once again we have someone wanting a backslap and an attaboy!

Hardly. If all I wanted were 'thumbs ups', I could just stick to what feedback I get already.

If you've got a specific criticism, I'm all ears. Or eyes, as it happens. Otherwise, well, I can't find it in my heart to fret about an unvarnished 'thumbs down'. It's of no utility.

 

[TxRad]

Hardly. If all I wanted were 'thumbs ups', I could just stick to what feedback I get already.

If you've got a specific criticism, I'm all ears. Or eyes, as it happens. Otherwise, well, I can't find it in my heart to fret about an unvarnished 'thumbs down'. It's of no utility.

JBJ is our resident Troll. Take anything he says with a dose of salts and a pound of aspirin. He's old, cranky, homophobic, a racist, and lives in Florida. Enough said.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Hardly. If all I wanted were 'thumbs ups', I could just stick to what feedback I get already.

If you've got a specific criticism, I'm all ears. Or eyes, as it happens. Otherwise, well, I can't find it in my heart to fret about an unvarnished 'thumbs down'. It's of no utility.

You wanted an opinion and you got one. Next time be honest about what you really want...a warm fuzzy hug from momma. Sell your effing story to TEX, he likes it. But I'm not interested, and I'm not interested because your style of writing doesnt appeal to me. I didnt care for it when Hugh Heffner did it in the 60s, but he made a fortune from cartoon sex.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

JBJ is our resident Troll. Take anything he says with a dose of salts and a pound of aspirin. He's old, cranky, homophobic, a racist, and lives in Florida. Enough said.

So sez our SlamBook Philosopher.

TEX can write a novella about his favorite flower or brand of laxative.

 

[Dragonlipz]

Please put your clothes on; you have more strange shapes and forms than a clown can make with a bag of balloons inflated and twisted together.

I was speaking of being naked in a spiritual sense...OH! If only you and I could stand literally naked before each other; co-mingling and capering as only nattering nabobs are able to....JBJ, you're my wild thing, you make my lust sing, (damn, I feel a song coming on - where's my guitar?)

 

[optimizer888]

You wanted an opinion and you got one.

Well, no, actually I asked "if anyone sees ways I can do... better". Slight difference, apparently you missed it.

But you've helped a tiny bit, I guess. I now better understand what Tolkein was getting at: "Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible; and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their works, or of the kinds of writing that they evidently prefer."

Don't let me keep you from the kind of writing that appeals to you. I shan't trouble you further.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I was speaking of being naked in a spiritual sense...OH! If only you and I could stand literally naked before each other; co-mingling and capering as only nattering nabobs are able to....JBJ, you're my wild thing, you make my lust sing, (damn, I feel a song coming on - where's my guitar?)

You'll have to get at the end of the line.

 

[Dragonlipz]

You'll have to get at the end of the line.

I'll have a song for you when it's my turn......

'The tide is high, BUT!
I'm holding on,
I'm gonna be
yore #1.....'