Critique my sex scene, please....

[Elianna]

Hey guys. So this is my first real "sex scene" to write. I need your help. What went well... what didn't.

You guys have been great.

(Oh and those STUPID word repetitions keep creeping up after I post. DARN IT! I think I've got them and then I say "moaned" twice in the same paragraph. Sorry.)

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=362022

P.S. Does anyone know why I have over 50 votes and no views?

 

[D_K_Moon]

P.S. Does anyone know why I have over 50 votes and no views?

Votes are updated immediately and views are updated a couple of times per day.

 

[where]

I still haven't got around to reading the whole series yet (What can I say? I've been busy!). But I thought it was an ok scene apart from the repetitions you mentioned.

The only thing I did find a bit grating was all the moaning, screetching, whimpering etc. Just too much sound to take in in text for me. Or you could maybe balance it a bit with some of the other senses, like smell (I OD on smells like you do on sound I think!) and touch. He loved the sight of the lace on her body but what did it feel like? I'll have to read the rest now though

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I found the sex scene uninteresting, there was too much telling, and not enough showing.

 

[where]

I found the sex scene uninteresting, there was too much telling, and not enough showing.

you mean you didn't find it explicit enough? By that I mean not enough "his thick throbbing cock stretched her lips tight as they penetrated her hot velvet walls" type stuff.

I thought a lot of lit types don't like that kind of stuff.

 

[fieryjen]

Your character names are the same ones I've been using in two stories I've been writing on for the past year.

That was weird. No offense intended... I couldn't get through it because of it, it was just too strange. Two of them in the same story, no less.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

you mean you didn't find it explicit enough? By that I mean not enough "his thick throbbing cock stretched her lips tight as they penetrated her hot velvet walls" type stuff.

I thought a lot of lit types don't like that kind of stuff.

No, that's not what I meant. I felt nothing as I read it, it was mainly a narration. There were no feelings from the characters.

 

[where]

No, that's not what I meant. I felt nothing as I read it, it was mainly a narration. There were no feelings from the characters.

Oh right. Sorry I was being a bit dense there!

 

[Elianna]

No, that's not what I meant. I felt nothing as I read it, it was mainly a narration. There were no feelings from the characters.

Do you mean physical or emotional... Like I said... I'm new at this. Please give me some direction!

 

[August_Bouvier]

Wish there was a formula

I find sex scenes hard to write--no pun intended. I think it's the whole trying to capture the action, emotion and sensation of it all, while trying to do it in an original way.

I thought you did well.

 

[Elianna]

I still haven't got around to reading the whole series yet (What can I say? I've been busy!). But I thought it was an ok scene apart from the repetitions you mentioned.

The only thing I did find a bit grating was all the moaning, screetching, whimpering etc. Just too much sound to take in in text for me. Or you could maybe balance it a bit with some of the other senses, like smell (I OD on smells like you do on sound I think!) and touch. He loved the sight of the lace on her body but what did it feel like? I'll have to read the rest now though

Thanks. I'm glad I enticed you to read more. I went back and re-read looking for your comments... and determined that I must like people who are noisy during sex.

I struggled between the "throbbing cock penetrating velvet walls" side and the "telling the story side." I guess I got too "telling" trying to avoid the overly smutty description that just isn't my style.

Any suggestions on how to balance? I know drk mentioned it was "telling" too much... but how do you avoid turning a (what I hope to be a pretty interesting story with good character development) into a stroke story?

 

[August_Bouvier]

Balance it with the emotions your characters feel. The mood of the encounter. Also, moods and emotions are fleeting. A sex scene may start one way and your characters might feel differently during or after.

In this one, your heroine had a traumatic experience. Your hero is aware of it. So his touch might be tentative at first, and grow bolder upon hearing her sighs and gasps. His eyes would read her face for signs of pleasure or discomfort. He'd move gently against her until he was sure of her response. The idea is to convey where he's coming from, his passion mixed with his caring for her. This is just an example and my interpretation.

You'd weave their history and emotion in your scene through gestures, senses and action and it would show the story without directly telling the reader of her past experience.

I think you know it's a stroke story when it's mainly a listing of behavior.

Hope that helps.

 

[ellynei]

The sex scene reflected a build up the devoted reader has followed for quite a while now
If I had read the sex scene alone, without reading the other chapters I might have found it somehow overstated, but since I have read all chapters I found it to be well balanced.

The last two chapters of your great story kept me up past bedtime will have to get back with more thorough feedback another time^^.

 

[where]

Thanks. I'm glad I enticed you to read more. I went back and re-read looking for your comments... and determined that I must like people who are noisy during sex.

I struggled between the "throbbing cock penetrating velvet walls" side and the "telling the story side." I guess I got too "telling" trying to avoid the overly smutty description that just isn't my style.

Any suggestions on how to balance? I know drk mentioned it was "telling" too much... but how do you avoid turning a (what I hope to be a pretty interesting story with good character development) into a stroke story?

I think you know it's a stroke story when it's mainly a listing of behavior.

You guys talk about stroke stories like they are a bad thing!

The sex scene reflected a build up the devoted reader has followed for quite a while now
If I had read the sex scene alone, without reading the other chapters I might have found it somehow overstated, but since I have read all chapters I found it to be well balanced.

The last two chapters of your great story kept me up past bedtime will have to get back with more thorough feedback another time^^.

^^^ good point and well made, Maybe dsm didn't read the other chapters?

 

[Noira]

I didn't read the other chapters... just this one. The sex scene was what you wanted critiqued. I'll indicate: I do not have anything up here. It's up to you if you want to take me seriously. I read erotica. I'm just not confident posting it.

It's hard to write sex.

It's even harder to write sex well.

As it is...

CRITIQUE AHEAD!

Purple prose? Not so much purple prose as it was just toooo wordy. Ease up the descriptions. Using as many shiny words as possible does not make a scene better. I found I overdosed on words in that scene. It didn't draw me in because it was words after words after words...

Too much description, not enough feeling.

It wasn't a 'stroke' story. It wasn't just 'telling what they're up to so we can imagine it'. But you caught it somewhere in the middle between what you really wanted and what we wanted. It was hot. But (treating it as something you'd want to publish), it overdid it in places, and underdid it in others. You ignored all five of the senses. And a very PERSONAL nitpick... I find it's difficult to get into scenes when it bounces from POV to POV. I want a single perspective. Hers or his. Not his thoughts and her feelings and sensations.

Pick one. Roll with it.

Anyway. There were some GORGEOUS bits. I quite liked this...

She moaned beneath him and clasped his shoulders with her tiny hands, holding on as her body spun out of control with sensation.

"Cael," she moaned. The sound of his name on her lips sent a shiver down his spine.

Why? It caught another sense or two. It wasn't just a sound and an action. It got right into his head there. Getting into his head gets into OUR heads. I found it was good. It wasn't a wall of text. It was just a nice, chill, cool feeling moment...

It was nice.

Whereas... say...

He felt his fangs elongate hungrily, but he clenched his fist in her hair and with every last shred of his control he forced his beast down. Instead, he plundered her mouth once again mating his tongue with hers fiercely and ground his hips against hers, stimulating her aching clit.

This drove me crazy. Why? Because for one, you've been overusing adverbs already. (That's all the 'ily's) And you'd used 'hungrily' and 'mated his tongue' mere sentences before. For one thing, overuse of adverbs is irritating. They're a way of telling, not showing, while still looking pretty. "He hungrily seized her" vs "A hunger took hold of him and he seized her". For me, the second one gets just a little more into his head... just an example, you know. Adverbs can often be demonstrated through the characters. It's sometimes better to go simple.

Simple can be sexy. POVs are hard to write, sex is even harder. I admit I'm not confident in it myself. As a sex scene, I found it a good scene. It was the writing I wasn't necessarily happy with. The most memorable sex scene I ever read... it was simple, descriptive, it kept the girl's point of view and engaged the reader and made you feel like you could be her. It wasn't just a 'this is what they do'... it wasn't even 'this is what they do, described really well'. Your writing was crisp, clear--interesting. It did bring up mental images, but it didn't engage me.

I'm picky. I read a lot on here. I read a lot all over. Compared to a LOT of what I've read on Lit, your writing was some of the best I've seen.

You could possibly make it better.

First real sex scene? Better'n mine.

Incidentially...

making her squeak in bliss.

I've honestly always wanted to see someone describe that kind of sound. Squeak in bliss. I have to say, I love that description. Very cute, very realistic feeling.

There was a lot of great stuff in here. It didn't grab me as an erotica scene, but it was decent writing and--though I agree with drkside there, it was too much telling and not enough showing--for a first scene it was pretty good. Keep practicing. Keep in mind a specific point of view when you tell a scene. It's similar to writing action. You can't jump all over the place if someone's dying, the reader wants to stay there and feel the pain. Maybe. Same with the sex. Focus on one person and all of their senses. Touch, sound, smells, taste. The gentle brush of lace against his rough fingertips, the chemical flavor of her purfume as he licks and nips at her neck, her slight giggle as he touches her where its ticklish, her laugh sending soft vibrations against his face as he cuddles up against her collar, his fingers touching the tips of her breasts through her shirt and feeling them harden against the rough, lacy fabric. The brief roar as the furnace kicks in and he smiles, letting his hands wander lower. The smell of arousal, the hard cotton jeans, the motion of the bedding...

There's a million things that could be going on. They don't have to be adverbs. You just have to get into that character's head and think. What are they going to notice? The cut on her ankle from shaving? The smell of deoderant? The flavor of his saliva? The musky scent of arousal? Not everything has to be hot and pounding. The tiny things can really add to the heat of a scene by establishing it and making it realistic.

The best scenes I've read take you, the reader, and grab you and force you right into the scene, so you're standing there and can touch, taste, hear, and smell everything that goes on. And the funny thing is, they don't even always need that much description to do it. It's just a matter of getting down and into the characters, and presenting them to the readers as they do whatever it is they do. Sexy or not.

It was good writing. There's my little critique. Little? Okay, more than a little. It's advice, it's my opinion, you needn't take it all to heart but hey, you asked and I'm always happy to give. XD

Incidentially, I didn't find it overstated without the other chapters. Felt like a perfectly normal sex scene. It just didn't grab me as well as it could have. But for a first real sex scene? Great job! Lotta points, I've read a lot of cringe-inducing first scenes, my own included... and this did not make me cringe! You have a lot of potential here and with more practice you'll be a master of it, I think.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Do you mean physical or emotional... Like I said... I'm new at this. Please give me some direction!

Both. You need to show what you character, or characters are feeling. One doesn't need to be graphic to be erotic. Have the character tell us with their own words, their thoughts, their actions, what they are feeling, and how they are reacting. Hope this helps a bit.

 

[Elianna]

Thanks so much to everyone, especially Noira (I could tell you were really thoughtful in your critique. I know it takes time, and I am so appreciative of it!).

I'll go back and try to put some more of the senses in and take some of the adverbs out.

Thanks!

 

[August_Bouvier]

All the best, Elianna.

Noira, I found your advice critique clear and very helpful. Wish I had someone like you as my editor.

 

[Noira]

Elianna: You're welcome. It doesn't take that much time, but perhaps I'm comparing it to editing work which can take qiute a bit more time, going through piece by piece. I try summarize as best I can on sites like these.

August B: Thanks. Critiquing is a hard business and it is hard to find someone who's got a good balance of editing skillz, knowledge, and the ability to express that knowledge. I can be a bit too hard at times, for some people, though. I find proper editing to be difficult and prefer this kind of 'read and leave a long review' medium for that sort of thing. I do it occasionally though I don't like commiting to long term story reviewage. (So not a word)

Glad to have helped you both.