Criticizing "A Fantasy"

[Krystian]

Greetings, erotica fans.

My handle is Krystian.
I'm a new author at this site hoping to get some feedback on his "Virgin" offering. I figure the best way to write for an audience is to know what that audience likes and dislikes.
I know my work can be pretty heavy on the "Literature" side before getting to the erotic stuff but I believe that any sex worth having is worth working towards. So, with that in mind, I give you the three part lesbian story I call "A Fantasy of Susan"

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=59274
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=59282
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=59408

Any responses can be posted through the thread or e-mailed to me at Krystian316@Netscape.Net
__________________________________________________
"Let fair humanity abhor the deed
That spots and stains love's modest snow-white weed"

 

[Guest]

My views are not a very good barometer of popularity. But because you warned you were a bit literary I warmed to you. I suffer the same affliction. And yes, you have a very clear and controlled writing style. BIG plus, in my book.

Ever since another poster KillerMuffin, made the obvious but useful point that editors of literary journals usually make a decision without reading the whole story, I felt better about doing exactly this, which is part of my generally impatient attitude. I may be proved wrong when I make a 'snap judgement' after a couple of paragraphs were I to read through to the end, but I just don't want to waste my time finding out.

So.

First para, ok.. good intro, little bit of sex. But the italic preamble makes out it's true. Yet wifey Marie is telling you about a lesbian incest relationship. Sounds pret-ty male fantasy stuff. So, slight element of mistrust in you already. It’s definitely better not to claim a story is true, even it it is. It really doesn’t make a story a better read, if it’s true, unless it’s about someone readers ALREADY know to be real, BEFORE reading the story. Your wife is, as far as readers of the story are concerned, a fictional person.

And if you just mean your wife told it, then just go ahead and credit her with the story: “My wife made up this story for me and I transcribed it.” Did you somehow feel a need to explain why you were using a woman’s POV? Don’t worry, a lot of male writers do.

You proceed to introduce the characters in a slightly heavy-handed way, almost like a dramatis personae before a play, but you’re also too cursory too, like you’re in a hurry to launch them off to do their sex thing, like little chess pieces.

I'd rather (and here I think I AM typical) see character come out in the action. That’s how people decide what people are like.

This time the slippery digits moved south in their downward motion – oops, tautological.

Beware the spell-check typo: My head titled back, a long groan escaping my throat – One of my serious stories raised a laugh in the wrong place because of a spell-check typo, undermining all my earnest efforts. Yours breaks the concentration a bit, which is a shame, because I really liked that last paragraph.

Oh, one more thing. For some reason, it’s not comme il faux to say 36-DD. Apparently some kind of Gestapo will set the Alsatians on you for using digits, especially when cup- or dick- size is concerned. Doesn’t bother me, just thought I’d mention it.

Josh.

 

[Krystian]

Author's voice

Many thanks to Josh for his helpful critique.

One response I seem to get on all my stories is that I am a man writing from a woman's point of view.
Aside from the issue that I do indeed have a wife, I also state that I am the writer and as I am male there is bound to be some style point that comes through as a result of that.

I am not wishing I was a woman. I am just telling someone else's story that doesn't feel compelled to tell it herself. Am I flourishing it myself? Yes, I am the writer and feel it is within my rights to do so. If it ruins the quality for someone then I apologze but you can choose not to read my material if it doen;t suit you.