nightdancer2876
Experienced
- Joined
- May 17, 2005
- Posts
- 41
.......
Last edited:
Criticism request
- Thread starter nightdancer2876
- Start date
drksideofthemoon
West of the moon. . .
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2005
- Posts
- 4,778
I thought your opening paragraph was extremely weak, I probably wouldn't have continued past it if I was just reading for enjoyment.
The Ellipsis is only three ... no more, no less. It is used to show an incomplete thought, or statement. An em dash is used to show a pause.
Example "I thought we were going to..." Bert stopped as he watched his Yugo go up in flames.
Don't use numerals where you can used words.
The bartender dropped 2 olives into the martini.
The bartender dropped two olives into the martini.
Which reads easier?
Some of the paragraphs near the end of the story need to be chopped up.
Overall, I didn't find the story very interesting.
The Ellipsis is only three ... no more, no less. It is used to show an incomplete thought, or statement. An em dash is used to show a pause.
Example "I thought we were going to..." Bert stopped as he watched his Yugo go up in flames.
Don't use numerals where you can used words.
The bartender dropped 2 olives into the martini.
The bartender dropped two olives into the martini.
Which reads easier?
Some of the paragraphs near the end of the story need to be chopped up.
Overall, I didn't find the story very interesting.
GirlWithBoots
Virgin
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2006
- Posts
- 5
I quite liked it. The rhythm to begin was very stilted, some inconsistancies, but especially as the Domme begins to explain the scene they are watching, it definately becomes fuller, to have more depth in the writing and dialogue.
There does need to be more of a transition to the point where he accepts her proposal. Why when she reaches out does he take her hand? Is he trying to prove that he's not afraid? Has he become hypnotised by her words and is acting on instinct uncontrolled? Some other reason? You need to find out why he did it and then express that in the rest of the scene I believe.
As they step into the play part, whatever his motivation for going there needs to carry on. If it's to prove he's not afraid, then more cockiness, stiffness to his actions. If in a semi-daze, pre-subspace trance then he should seem more in a daze.
It seems like you have the Domme vampire's motivations very clear in your mind, the sub character's less so.
There was a paragraph or two of genius in there though.
There does need to be more of a transition to the point where he accepts her proposal. Why when she reaches out does he take her hand? Is he trying to prove that he's not afraid? Has he become hypnotised by her words and is acting on instinct uncontrolled? Some other reason? You need to find out why he did it and then express that in the rest of the scene I believe.
As they step into the play part, whatever his motivation for going there needs to carry on. If it's to prove he's not afraid, then more cockiness, stiffness to his actions. If in a semi-daze, pre-subspace trance then he should seem more in a daze.
It seems like you have the Domme vampire's motivations very clear in your mind, the sub character's less so.
There was a paragraph or two of genius in there though.
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