Critical feedback wanted before sequel, please.

[cahab]

I would like some feedback on a new story I have written 'undercover fluffer' with any ideas or criticisms for its improvement you may care to add. It has a much lower rating, at just under 4, than the rest of my stories, and I need to know why.

This story is part of an ongoing saga of 'Christine', which if you wish you can read in full at my homepage (WWW, below) or inpieces in Lit. Don't worry, though, to give feedback you just need to read the one story; it is (or should be) quite self-explanatory.

The heroine of the story is working as a 'fluffer' on a porn video shoot in order to check out the competition before doing her own video. I want to know your feedback on this one because it is so essentially linked to the next.

What did/didn't you like? What would you like to see more/less of? What new elements would you like to see added?

Please PM me, send feedback in the normal way, or post the replies here.

Thank you.
Here's the direct link:

Undercover Fluffer

 

[Chicklet]

Hey Cahab,

I don't think that there's anything really wrong with your story. Since I mainly only read BDSM stories on this site, I don't know how to judge others...your story, while well-written, just seemed a bit, well, boring to me...But I don't know if that was just me or not.

Your opening paragraphs are pretty good, a bit of mystery there, some intrigue, you want to know where the character is going...but after that I felt as though it was a play-by-play of what was going on.

You've got an innocent (young) character, and I was hoping to hear more about her feelings at what was going on. There's no insecurities that might make her character more likeable, no doubt in her mind...it just seemed too...rehersed to me.

I'm sorry that that's all I have to say. In my experience group sex stories are harder to pull good votes than other categories, so that might be why you're seeing some negative results. But keep in mind that your story is still very, very young! Good luck.

-C

 

[cahab]

You've got an innocent (young) character, and I was hoping to hear more about her feelings at what was going on. There's no insecurities that might make her character more likeable, no doubt in her mind...it just seemed too...rehersed to me.

You may be right. This is part of a series, and maybe I didn't put in enough backstory to explain her attitudes. Also I am rather more taken with a later episode than with this and the necessary next, so maybe I wasn't thinking enough as I wrote it.

Ah, well. I have resubmitted it after a suggestion from KM, and I'll write something different next to shake out the cobwebs.

 

[Pyper]

Ooh, my first post in this forum!

Hi, cahab. Forgive me if I'm too hard on you, I do this for a living and it's hard to get that sensitive-to-author's-feelings thing back. (Why would I want to do this in my free time when I do it at work...I dunno. )

First, an editing run-through:

‘Komm mit, Bitte.’ The technician led me down a darkened passageway to the main room.

It was large, about the size of our cafeteria when I was in school, and totally black. Black walls, black rubberized floor, black ceiling and completely surrounded with black curtains, blocking out the bright daylight outside. The light came from a couple of striplights up amongst the spotlights clustered in the ceiling. Lights, lights, lights. Watch the repetition.In the centre of the room there was a raised podium on the middle of the room take another look at this sentencewith a black rubber mattress on it. There was also a large metal cage on wheels in a corner.

Around the sides of the room Repetition of "room" Try synonyms like "space" "enclosure" "area" were a couple of video cameras on tripods, and my guide went to join a bunch of other technicians that buzzed around them. There were a couple of other girls in the other corner, next to a coupe of repetition "couple of" long tables, and I went over to join them.

I was here on a secret mission. I had been in Germany for five days now, and I was pretty damn bored. I had gone to see the video makers the first afternoon, and he had laid out the deal to me through an interpreter from the agency.

‘We make sex films for European market. Europe had sex films long before most. Germany home of the sex film. Is the German a cave man? Europe want always bigger, better, faster, more. Now difficult to find girls who will do all that is expected of them in German film. Most films we make only sell to US market.’

I nodded to show I was keeping up, despite the inadequacies of simultaneous translation. He continued, ‘our main competition has girl will do anything.’ Here the conversation flagged for a moment as my interpreter tried to recall the English for the various perversions that the German proceeded to list.
funny
I cut him short, as the list was irrelevant. I had had more than long enough to consider them all myself. ‘I won’t do anything that causes any actual physical damage or oral scat. Anything else is fine.’ The interpreter looked lost again so I went through a list of synonyms for scat until I felt like a sex thesaurus. Eventually his face brightened and he resumed the conversation.

‘The last is a shame, but acceptable. The main thing is that you are very much younger than their current star, and much more pretty.’ Now he's speaking normallyI accepted the compliment without protest. After all, I hadn’t seen her yet, and I was still three months away from my nineteenth birthday. ‘We want you to star in some films that are like theirs, but better. We are better at making film, have experience on location and in studio. They studio only. Limited.’Back to Caveman mode

Everything seemed to make sense. They gave me a stack of DVD’s to take back to my hotel and watch to get a feel of it before I made up my mind. I was certainly a lot younger than the star, she must have been at least thirty-five, but she was still quite attractive. It was all shot a little amateurishly, but it did turn you on by the sheer scale of it. Nothing I hadn’t done before, though. Thing was I wanted to enjoy the experience, not be a film star. And with all this edited footage I couldn’t see what that was like.

I had explained my reservations to the agency when they called, and they arranged this little covert mission. I was to be a fluffer at the competition’s next video shoot, my cover story that I was a poor English girl on holiday that had all her money stolen, and was desperate for some cash, provided she wasn’t on camera. As a fluffer I had to keep the men erect off-screen during the quiet periods of filming, and before filming to get them erect in the first place. And it should give me a chance to see what went on.Finally we get to what the situation is. This should have been made clear much earlier

I quickly discovered the other two girls spoke almost no English, and as I spoke no German, conversation stopped after hello. I sat there on one of the tables twiddling my thumbs for a while whilst the girls chatted, and then two of the crew came over to the tables and proceeded to strip off. That was a little unexpected. Neither of them looked particularly well endowed, but not too small either. I wondered whether to start fluffing, or if they were just stripping in solidarity.

I looked to my left and the girls had started to strip too, so I thought when in Rome… I made my clothes into a neat pile and placed them on the table along with everyone else’s. I looked over the two girls, and was pleased to say I was in much better condition, and about three or four inches taller than both of them. One of them had quite large breasts, something I’d always wanted, but as they were natural they sagged unattractively.

I licked my lips in anticipation, and sat back on the table. I fingered my clit absent-mindedly whilst looking around, and the two men muttered something, smiling at each other and at me. Their penises began to rise slowly. Hell, I was doing my job already, and I hadn’t even touched anyone yet!
The narrator seems quite blase and quite bored, and it's contributing to the reader's feeling of boredom.
There was a noise in the passageway and a crowd of guys came in. And I do mean a crowd. I had to jump down off the table otherwise there wouldn’t have been room. I never did have time to count, but there must have been at least a couple of dozen of them, all big guys. The girls let out squeals of delight seeing one or another of their favourites, and ran to hug and kiss them. I hung back a little, but a few of them came over to me anyway, saying ‘hallo, wilkommen’ in deep German voices, stroking and groping my breasts and ass. I giggled with delight and kissed them each in turn as they ran their hands over my lean body. The narrator SAYS she giggles with delight, but we don't really feel her delight. All this seems rather routine for everyone involved.

snip, no problems with the main sex scenesI don’t know how long this went on, but finally the crowd all moved away from us, and I turned to see what was going on. Bianka had finished her fucking, and now sat beaming in a pool of white cum, with it plastered all over her, oozing out of her cunt and ass, all over her hair, her cheeks, everywhere. The men cheered as she scooped up handfuls of it and gulped them down. She smiled and flopped back down, washing herself all over with the white stuff, rubbing it into her skin, rolling around in it, smiling all the while. Cameras clicked and whirred all around her. I was incredibly jealous.
part of the problem here is that the focus is not on the narrator but on some emotionally distant other character. Narrator is jealous and unsatisfied= so are we.
Then one of the men stepped up and, grabbing his cock and aiming it at her face, began to piss. A golden stream ran over her face, and she was opening her mouth to take it. Others stepped up again around her. I noticed for the first time that there was a little boundary, about an inch high, all around the central dais. Soon she was surrounded again, and piss streamed out from the feet of the participants coming to a halt behind the boundary in front of us.

For us, the show was already over. The two girls began to get dressed, and reluctantly I followed suit. I half-heartedly joined in with the cheering at the very end of filming and disconsolately accepted my pay. I went home feeling both unsatisfied and excited in equal measure.
Readers feel mostly unsatisfied
That show was over. But my own would be much better. Bigger, better faster, more.





In conclusion, I think you are a very competent writer, cahab. There are a few problems with repetition in the beginning, but you seem to fall into your groove as you move on.

I think the main problem with this story, and why it has received lower ratings than your others, is its lack of emotional engagement with the reader. A reader of a first person pov story is identifying with the feelings and actions of the narrator, and when the narrator is bored, jealous, or unsatisfied with the sex, so will be the reader.

There is no build up to a climax, literally and figuratively. Part of the problem here is there is too wide of a camera angle, so to speak. You need to narrow in on the specific actions and feelings a few characters, and save the actions of the rest for mentions in passing.

The narrator also seems to be uncaring about any of her sexual partners-- none of them have names and few are described, and we don't feel her excitement about the situation coming through. She seems very blase about the whole thing, which, ironically, I think is a very realistic view of the porn industry. So, you have written a realistic story, but not an exciting story. Since this is about the porn industry, perhaps you could add an unusual circumstance to elevate it above the just business as usual atmosphere you have currently.

 

[glspade]

UC fluffer

Story seems fine, it just seems dry.
I can't put my finger on it, but it doesn't feel very well illustrated. So much goes on in a shoot, but isn't depicted.
If I get a chance, I'll check out some of your other stuff.

g.