Couples and Money

[Cleopatra]

If you are a commited couple, sharing a bank account, who controls the money?

If HE/SHE makes it and SHE/HE stays home, does SHE/HE have a say in how it's spent?

If HE and SHE both make it, does it default to whomever is making more?

Are all purchases discussed?

Only large, or over a certain dollar amount are discussed?

Do you fight over it?

Tell me...

 

[sweet soft kiss]

This is one of the reasons I am glad to be single...

 

[Cleopatra]

This is one of the reasons I am glad to be single...

I hear you. But it does have it's advantages too.

 

[Nora]

A while back I abdicated totally from financial concerns. By choice, btw, and I don't recommend this route for everyone. I dumped it all on hubby's lap and told him just to tell me what I could spend and what i couldn't.

Now this works for us cuz he's Mr Uber-Responsible and I'm Ms Ohh-I'm-Gonna-Buy-That!

It kinda chaps my hide now and then when I have to ask him for cash (I make about 1.5x what he earns), but conversely, not having to worry or fight about it EVER makes things go pretty smoothly.

 

[Guest]

I'm sooooooooo glad I'm single, but.....when I was married, my ex was a total dick about money, because I made aLOT more than he did...he wanted a joint account, but he kept spending and spending, so I opened my own account and kept everything separate. We're divorced now, but money was not even close to being the deciding factor on that.

 

[freakygirl]

He makes the majority of the money (it's about 2/3 of our income).. I pay the bills and maintain the checkbook.

All big purchases are discussed between the two of us.

We are each given an alloted amount of cash ($200 per week) as "spending money" (ie: fuel for the cars, his lunches at work, my little trips to grocery store).

He has a debit card if he needs more money than what he has in his pocket. All I ask is that he remembers to tell me that he took money so I can deduct it from whichever account he took it from.

We have never fought over money in the 7 years we've been together.

 

[Silverlily]

Now this works for us cuz he's Mr Uber-Responsible and I'm Ms Ohh-I'm-Gonna-Buy-That!

Thank you for saving me all that typing.


*read everything Nora posted above*

 

[Cleopatra]

A while back I abdicated totally from financial concerns. By choice, btw, and I don't recommend this route for everyone. I dumped it all on hubby's lap and told him just to tell me what I could spend and what i couldn't.

I do this too - by choice also - he's better with finances.

 

[Cleopatra]

I'm sooooooooo glad I'm single, but.....when I was married, my ex was a total dick about money, because I made aLOT more than he did...he wanted a joint account, but he kept spending and spending, so I opened my own account and kept everything separate. We're divorced now, but money was not even close to being the deciding factor on that.

That would really piss me off - I guess it shows you need to be on the same wavelength.

 

[Nora]

Thank you for saving me all that typing.


*read everything Nora posted above*

Anytime, hon! =)

 

[Sillyman]

In general, both should be in on the financial situation regardless of who actually makes the money, at least in matters of day-to-day affairs. Cutting the provider of the cash out of the equation seems somewhat unfair, although there are people who would prefer to just make the money and not deal with checking bank statements or balancing the check book. The other partner needs to be involved because otherwise it devolves into a "Daddy can I have it?" situation, which is a quick way to royally fuck the finaces AND the relationship. If the lower income partner is kept abreast of the situation and given a certain amount of freedom, they will generally show more responsibility than if treated like a baby.

The place where the higher income partner has the most say is in cases that involve long-term debt, such as vehicle purchases, home loans, or out of control Christmas spending. Even then it should be something both can ultimately agree on since it will impact both finacial futures.

Minor purchases made with cash should not warrant a huge discussion. Most couples should come to an agreement as to what "minor" is to them. Nobody should get into an hour long scream fest over a Cosmo and a Coke.

Purchases with credit cards should be monitered more closely. Generally I don't believe in credit cards, since they seem like a good way for people to let their impulsiveness screw them.

Remember that making money and handling it are two entirely different operations, and that the partner who makes more may not be as qualified at how they handle their finaces than someone who makes less. One of the hardest parts of the relationship can be the need for an honest appraisal of each other's financial acumen to determine who is best to handle the household income.

 

[Cleopatra]

In general, both should be in on the financial situation regardless of who actually makes the money, at least in matters of day-to-day affairs. Cutting the provider of the cash out of the equation seems somewhat unfair, although there are people who would prefer to just make the money and not deal with checking bank statements or balancing the check book. The other partner needs to be involved because otherwise it devolves into a "Daddy can I have it?" situation, which is a quick way to royally fuck the finaces AND the relationship. If the lower income partner is kept abreast of the situation and given a certain amount of freedom, they will generally show more responsibility than if treated like a baby.

The place where the higher income partner has the most say is in cases that involve long-term debt, such as vehicle purchases, home loans, or out of control Christmas spending. Even then it should be something both can ultimately agree on since it will impact both finacial futures.

Minor purchases made with cash should not warrant a huge discussion. Most couples should come to an agreement as to what "minor" is to them. Nobody should get into an hour long scream fest over a Cosmo and a Coke.

Purchases with credit cards should be monitered more closely. Generally I don't believe in credit cards, since they seem like a good way for people to let their impulsiveness screw them.

Remember that making money and handling it are two entirely different operations, and that the partner who makes more may not be as qualified at how they handle their finaces than someone who makes less. One of the hardest parts of the relationship can be the need for an honest appraisal of each other's financial acumen to determine who is best to handle the household income.

Good points, all, Silly. Thanks. Seeing other points of view really interests me.

 

[intrigued]

Good points, all, Silly. Thanks. Seeing other points of view really interests me.

Cleo, just noticed your sigline. Thats one of my favorite Meat Loaf songs, and one of my favorite songs of all time. Nice to see another Meat Loaf admirer around here.

I really like sillymans post, too. I don't think there is a magic formula, but its extremely important to keep at it until you find what works.

 

[The Heretic]

I now just say no to shared bank accounts - for the most part. I think there are numerous reasons why couples should have separate checking accounts, and maybe one shared account for shared expenses such as rent, mortgage, etc.:

1) One of the most common sources of frictions in relationships where people live together is money and expenses. If you remove that source by structuring your finances such that each person has their own bank account for their own expenses then the relationship will often be much smoother. There will be no or fewer arguments about what the other person spends money on; if my SO wants to buy some clothing for herself then I have no say in how much she spends or for what. If I want to go out and buy a new toy for myself, as long as I do it from my account then that should cause no hard feelings.

2) Women need to have their own financial history and credit; this protects them should the relationship fall apart. This is getting to be less of a concern but is still an issue.

3) Should the realtionship fall apart then separating finances and dividing assets becomes a simpler task.

Of course there is still the issue of the shared account and how much each person puts into it, but that is fairly easy to accomodate.

 

[ReadyOne]

Being a "kept man" I keep my emergancy cash in a suitcase, stick to the number give me for using the bank card, and dutifully put all the receipts on her desk the moment I get back from the store.

OTOH, I paid for my keep last year simply by giving her a big tax deduction when I signed the marriage license.

PS: Planning a surprise for her can be damn difficult when it involves more money than I can save from my modest allowance.