Could someone please review my poem?

[Fenno]

It is being sumbited into a poetry contest on Friday: do you think I need to change anything?

Sisters
She steals my skirt,
I steal her purse,
We both know what the other’s done,
So we holler into the night.

We yell even louder, and we choose,
To leave before one of us gets hurt.
This fight is not yet won,
But I choose to stop the fight.

For you see, I may hate my sister at times,
But, she’s my sister, and she’ll always be mine.

 

[Fenno]

Sisters

She steals my skirt,
I steal her purse,
We both know what the other’s done,
So we holler into the night.

We yell even louder, and we choose,
To leave before one of us gets hurt.
This fight is not yet won,
But I choose to stop the fight

For you see, I may hate my sister at times,
But, she’s my sister, and she’ll always be mine.

 

[Fenno]

Would you change anything about it? If so, please tell me, I am submiting it to a poetry contest on Friday!

 

[flyguy69]

Most poetry contests provide access to previous winners' work. Have a look, and compare this one to those.

Good luck.

It is being sumbited into a poetry contest on Friday: do you think I need to change anything?

Sisters
She steals my skirt,
I steal her purse,
We both know what the other’s done,
So we holler into the night.

We yell even louder, and we choose,
To leave before one of us gets hurt.
This fight is not yet won,
But I choose to stop the fight.

For you see, I may hate my sister at times,
But, she’s my sister, and she’ll always be mine.

 

[annaswirls]

what is the contest? much of the advice depends upon the criteria of the contest itself.

 

[wildsweetone]

She steals my skirt,
I steal her purse,
We both know what the other’s done,
So we holler into the night.

We yell even louder, and we choose,
To leave before one of us gets hurt.
This fight is not yet won,
But I choose to stop the fight

For you see, I may hate my sister at times,
But, she’s my sister, and she’ll always be mine.

Hi and welcome to the Poetry Forum Fenno,

okay just a couple of questions from me to get some thoughts out...

is there are reason you capitalise the first word on every line?

is there a reason you need the words 'the fight' on the last line in the second stanza?

is there a reason you say 'we choose to leave...' and then 'i choose to stop the fight?' - it seems like two options are being used

is there a reason for the commas before 'and' and after 'choose' in stanza two?

i think there is potential here, it just needs a little perserverence and a little rewording for clarity.

Good luck.

 

[ravenous_os]

 

[champagne1982]

Would you change anything about it? If so, please tell me, I am submiting it to a poetry contest on Friday!

Three critiques and not one thank you?

I, too, fall down in my acknowledgements, at times. Somehow, no matter how late, I do try to get back and thank those who made an effort on my behalf. If I cannot do so individually, I give a group nod to those who spent time with me. You will find that if you say a simple thanks in public to your reviewers, other people will be more likely to give a hand next time you ask.

This may be out of place for me to say anything about since you could have already sent your appreciation in private. If such is the case please excuse the intrusion.

 

[annaswirls]

Yes, that would be nice. And inquiring minds want to know-- did you make any changes? Enter the contest?

Three critiques and not one thank you?

I, too, fall down in my acknowledgements, at times. Somehow, no matter how late, I do try to get back and thank those who made an effort on my behalf. If I cannot do so individually, I give a group nod to those who spent time with me. You will find that if you say a simple thanks in public to your reviewers, other people will be more likely to give a hand next time you ask.

This may be out of place for me to say anything about since you could have already sent your appreciation in private. If such is the case please excuse the intrusion.