Could someone please give me some feedback??

[sweet_sex_kitten]

This is the first story I have been brave enought to submit, and I really want to hear what some other people think of it. Please tell me what I did wrong or how I can improve in my writing. Any and all feedback would be recieved gratefully. Thank you. <url>http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=36741</url>

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

SSK,

Well done work and very imaginative, especially for a first effort. I'm not a sci/fi-fantasy person, so take anything else I say with a larger than usual portion of salt.

While your writing was almost lyrical at times, the plot was thin to non-existent and there was virtually no character developement. The reader is told very little about the woman's identity, background or why she was having that dream, and given even less information about her angelic, but nameless, partner.

Technical note: There should always be a new paragraph anytime a different character is quoted.

Style issue: IMHO, some of your paragraphs are very long, especially since your story will be read on computers. This isn't a rule, just a idea to increase ease of reading.

Good start. Now keep writing. RF

 

[Tatewaki]

Hello there!

I liked reading your story. It takes a certain amount of courage to write a fantasy story with erotic elements. It doesn't seem to be a very popular pairing anymore. I guess most people like their science-fiction or fantasy clean, or perhaps they simply cannot relate to fantastical or paranormal elements in their sex tales. Vampire tales excepted, of course. There seems to be no shortage of those around.

You can't believe how much I hate vampire tales.

There were a couple of things that I noticed in your writing that could be addressed, and will make your writing much better. I list them below.

In many places, your dialogue seemed odd when considering the situation of the characters speaking them. An example of this is the following line:

"Please if you mean me no harm turn on the lights so I may see who you are."

I have no problem with the content, but it simply doesn't sound like something a woman would say when a stranger mysteriously appears on the corner of her bed late at night. Perhaps breaking it into shorter sentences, something that more conveys her alarm would be effective.

I'll use the same sentence to point out a second flaw. You do not use commas enough. Unless your intention was to convey a sense of breathlessness on the part of the woman gushing out the line, I would suggest placing commas as I have below:

"Please, if you mean me no harm, turn on the lights so I may see who you are."

It makes the sentence easier to read. I like to read all of my work out loud and mark where my tongue tripped up on the words. If I can read it out loud without any difficulty, chances are people can read it silently without any problems.

Otherwise, I liked the scene very much. I'm glad to see that someone dares post stories somewhere else besides in the incest category. I look forward to your next submission.

Regards,

-T

 

[sweet_sex_kitten]

Thank you!

Thank you to both Rumple and Tatewaki, I noticed many of the errors y'all pointed out when I went back and read the story over. *BLUSHES BRIGHT RED* A lot of mistakes... well I have learned from them and am trying really hard to apply those lessons to my next story. I do really appreciate both of you taking the time to read my story and post suggestions for me! If I can ever return the favor please let me know!

SSK

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

"If I can ever return the favor please let me know!" SSK

Well, since you've so graciously offered; please check out my humble scribblings on this same board under the thread, "In Search of Bougquets and Brickbats." RF