could I please get some reads/reviews?

[jazzysoul]

I have a two part piece that I posted called "My Encounter with Morris" (check the sig) that I would very much like to get some feedback on.

If anyone has the time, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks!

JS

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Ok... Part 1. The entire first sixteen paragraphs are useless, unbelievable, boring and do nothing to move the story alone. All this could have been reduced down to a single paragraph and not put the reader to sleep. When you do get down to the story (which, if you delete the first 16 paragraphs of bullshit, is only about 1000 words) you did have a great idea. However, there isn't much story there. Morris crouched on a stoll and you dealing cards. YOU tell us a story about Morris that is similar to your own. It could have been done a lot better.

Part 2. Why is this part 2? This is the rest of the story. There should only be one chapter. One of the problems with this story is you have clouded the difference between human and cat. And it's not really well done. There was a book some years ago called, The Master and Margarita that did this very effectively. In your story, it's almost as if you can't make up your mind.

Other than these comments, the story was pretty good, the idea original and the writing, generally pretty good.

I suspect you won't get a tremendous number of reads on Lit because of the non-erotic classification. But, so?

 

[_Lynn_]

I just finished both chapters, though I did hesitate to continue at first. As it was boring, I didn't see a point in going on. There were so many things either repetitive or useless to the story itself I lost track of what the story was. But I did read it all, to be fair.

If you cut out the parts like Jenny says of 'bullshit', the story could be made into a good one, I think. The characters don't have a lot of feeling in them, to Me, though you could build on that. Show more difference between the human and the cat, as well.

Just My opinion.
ML

 

[jazzysoul]

thank you both for your criticism. I originally had this about 1000 words (less, actually) and I think if I remember correctly the previous version of this did not have all the stuff about rehab and the like. It was mentioned in passing, because the ending to the piece is the same, with him calling his sponsor, but I believe that it went from the "Dealing drugs/dealing cards" line, and to the packing up the car and leaving the area because of the baggage that was there with all his history, and then went straight to the cross country trip avoiding the alcohol and the like and then on to vegas omitting the vast majority of the 16 paragraphs of "bullshit"

I am gonna revise it and shorten it quite a bit and see what comes of it.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

One small note, with a criminal record involving drug use, it's doubtful he would be able to obtain a gaming card from the LVMPD.

 

[jazzysoul]

I may be wrong, and hopefully I didn't edit out by accident, but I made a comment that since it was his first offense, that after doing rehab, his record was wiped clean and he thus had nothing on his record.