Corny final sentences

[BobbyLaker]

Trying to wrap up my first story and struggling a little with the very end.

Do you think this is too corny a final sentence albeit you've no knowledge of the context and the preceding fireworks ?

And, thus, they slept until, hours later, they awoke, fulfilled.

All feedback appreciated, good, bad or indifferent.

Ta muchly,
Bobby

 

[BobbyLaker]

Thanks @Tilan. It is a little comma-heavy for sure.

I can fully relate to the run to the bathroom!

 

[ElectricBlue]

It's a fairly torturous sentence. Read it out loud, to hear what I mean.

 

[AlinaX]

And thus they slept... and awoke fulfilled.

 

[lovecraft68]

Might just be my taste, but I'd leave off with them falling asleep in each other's arms. Toss in something hokey like 'with a smile on their face" the waking up thing throws me, seems abrupt. Hey, now its morning.

Just an opinion

 

[BobbyLaker]

It's a fairly torturous sentence. Read it out loud, to hear what I mean.

Good tip - much appreciated. I do this with some of the hotter stuff and you should see the looks I get from the dog!

 

[BobbyLaker]

Li

And thus they slept... and awoke fulfilled.

Like it - far more succinct. Thanks.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Li

Like it - far more succinct. Thanks.

I agree, the punctuation wasn't perfect, but the sentence itself wasn't corny in the slightest

 

[BobbyLaker]

Might just be my taste, but I'd leave off with them falling asleep in each other's arms. Toss in something hokey like 'with a smile on their face" the waking up thing throws me, seems abrupt. Hey, now its morning.

Just an opinion

Many thanks.
Standalone, the line does feel out of context. The main thrust of the story (ooer missus!) concerns a woman reawakening (sexually) after the loss of her partner hence I wanted to end the text with a play on that.

I think I've OD'd on 'smile' in this story ... what with that and my adverb tic

 

[lovecraft68]

Many thanks.
Standalone, the line does feel out of context. The main thrust of the story (ooer missus!) concerns a woman reawakening (sexually) after the loss of her partner hence I wanted to end the text with a play on that.

I think I've OD'd on 'smile' in this story ... what with that and my adverb tic

I've been down the beating smile to death road, trust me.
My characters early on seemed to do nothing but smile, 'reach' for things and were always 'looking'.
You work those out over time....but often times move on to something else to overuse....rinse, repeat.

 

[MrPixel]

I hate the word "thus". Always seems unbearably stuffy.

 

[12oclocktales]

It seems to me they would be fulfilled before sleeping, therefore:

Fulfilled, they slept contentedly for several hours.

 

[AlinaX]

Unless this story was about how thoroughly they were fucked while sleeping...

 

[djrip]

I've been down the beating smile to death road, trust me.
My characters early on seemed to do nothing but smile, 'reach' for things and were always 'looking'.
You work those out over time....but often times move on to something else to overuse....rinse, repeat.

Jeeze that's me right there. And opening doors.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Corny final sentences​

I know I’m replying to the thread title, not your request (I think you have more than enough help already ). But I think my corniest final sentence is in Dungeon 101. This started out as an angry story, but morphed into more of my normal thing, I’m bad at sustaining anger. Anyway the last sentence is:

I loved Big Sister.

 

[BobbyLaker]

I hate the word "thus". Always seems unbearably stuffy.

Thanks - I'm suitably 'stuffed'

 

[BobbyLaker]

Unless this story was about how thoroughly they were fucked while sleeping...

Now that would be giving the game away

 

[BobbyLaker]

I know I’m replying to the thread title, not your request (I think you have more than enough help already ). But I think my corniest final sentence is in Dungeon 101. This started out as an angry story, but morphed into more of my normal thing, I’m bad at sustaining anger. Anyway the last sentence is:

It's intriguing. Makes me want to check out Dungeon 101

Thanks.

 

[MajorRewrite]

I thought this thread would be full of funny final sentences utilizing the word “cornhole.” Y’all disappoint me.

 

[LIDiver]

Final line of my next story is-
“I’m not cleaning that up.”

 

[MrPixel]

Final line of my next story is-
“I’m not cleaning that up.”

I just used that in a story, but it's mid-scene.

 

[BrightShinyGirl]

Trying to wrap up my first story and struggling a little with the very end.

Do you think this is too corny a final sentence albeit you've no knowledge of the context and the preceding fireworks ?

And, thus, they slept until, hours later, they awoke, fulfilled.

All feedback appreciated, good, bad or indifferent.

Ta muchly,
Bobby

A good story leaves you thinking about it after it’s over. The last line should give the reader a nudge in an interesting direction.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Final line of my next story is-
“I’m not cleaning that up.”

Something similar, from one of mine:

"Come on, we need to get up." The sounds of the outside world snuck back into the room. It was late in the afternoon.

"One thing though. I'll need to change the sheets."

 

[TadOverdon]

They slept in each other's arms.
Well, he slept. And snored.

 

[LIDiver]

Something similar, from one of mine:

Mine is more poignant and fits in better to the character arc.