Coping with separation.

[tryptamine]

Hi all,

I don't usually post but I am having issues and I don't think I really have anyone to talk to about them so I figure maybe some anonymous people on the internet might help...the people here have been pretty mature, sensitive and helpful in the time that I've been lurking here...

Anyway so my girlfriend is overseas at the moment. She's been gone for about six weeks and will be gone for about six more for a total of three months away. She's on holiday.

Basically I am having trouble with the emotional turmoil this has caused for me. I love her to bits, she is the best thing in my life and I have long term plans for our relationship. We have never had problems, we fit together perfectly. We moved in together about three weeks before she went away.

When she went I just really missed her terribly which is to be expected. But things have been getting worse recently...because of the costs involved we only get to talk on the phone once a week. This is not very much, sms's just don't really cut it. And I only get one e-mail from her a week. That's not very much either...I know that she's off doing heaps of exciting things and meeting lots of new people and everything and that's fine, but I think that one e-mail a week isn't very much...

I am feeling kind of abandoned which I know is unjustified...since we met I have known she was going to do this trip. So I know that's not really a reasonable thing to feel. But I miss her quite badly, it's like a part of me is missing all the time. And because we don't get to communicate much I feel less connected to her as time goes on...I still have the idea of her in my head and when we talk it's great but that's only once a week or something and it's hard for me. I can't shake the feeling that she could be doing more to keep in touch. She tells me that it's really hard and I believe her but you know...one e-mail a week? I know she wants to capitalise on this experience and not waste time doing nothing but she still manages to find time to go and get pissed with random people she meets at youth hostels and then feel hung over all the next morning.

Everything is made worse by the fact that at the moment I am spending most of my time totally by myself because of my study. I'm doing my honours year at university which means it's basically a year of independent research. This makes it harder to cope with having her away because the loneliness is made worse and more pervasive by my solitary academic existence. I just study all day most days of the week. I can feel the distance between us like a tangible thing.

So I figured I would ask here...does anyone have any advice as to how to cope with this separation? I just want to feel like our relationship is still alive during this time. Three months is a long time to be apart and we are leading completely different lives during this time. She says she misses me heaps too and I believe her. I have total faith in her love. But she's off doing exciting things and meeting new people and I'm here with my books.

I write her erotic stories which she says she enjoys tremendously and I do my best to keep in touch...I mean, I am always available for her because my lifestyle is nothing if not flexible. We can't have phone sex because of the cost. But it's not really the sex...I feel like I still ache for her but she is so far away and we can't communicate much. I also don't feel like I can be honest with how I'm feeling because she already feels guilty for going overseas without me and I don't want to ruin her holiday or spoil her fun by being needy.

So...anyone got any advice on how to cope with all this? I've never poured my heart out to an anonymous message board before but my friends aren't really available for this kind of thing right now...I don't really think they'd get it anyway.

Thanks.

 

[Mazuri]

I can definitely feel your pain. My husband is in the military and currently stationed in Korea for a year. He'll get a 2 week leave which we are greatly looking forward to

Things you can do to offset the cost of phone calls are to use an instant messaging service's voice over PC. MSN and Yahoo both have this (I'm sure others do, but I'm not familiar with those services) and it's free as long as you call PC to PC. My hubby and I talk daily using this service and while the voice quality isn't as clear as a telephone, it's also not $20 for 15 min. If she doesn't have access to a machine that can use pc-to-pc calling, speak over IM. Most of the services have a web-based program that you don't have to install to any machine. I know msn and icq have it, I'm certain yahoo and aim does as well. While not voice, it's at least real time, which helps.

The other thing is to keep yourself busy. If you sit at home thinking about the fun your g/f is having while you're sitting home being miserable, you'll start feeling a bit resentful. I mean, she left you all alone and yet she's having so much fun that she doesn't seem to miss you... It's not a fair way to think. Yes, she probably is having fun, but that doesn't mean she misses you any less. Activity will help keep your mind off things. I got a job for this reason, as well as the fact that we are operating two households and need more money than just he can make.

It took me about a month to get over crying every night. I knew he hadn't left me, but it sure felt like it. With time, however, I was able to get myself a bit more in order. I suffer bouts of mild depression and this was not a happy time for me, but with the IMs and the pc-to-pc chats, I was able to get through it and our relationship has flourished instead of suffering.

I hope some of this helps and good luck. It's hard being the one left at home.

 

[tryptamine]

Thanks for your suggestions. We can't chat online because she doesn't have the kind of lifestyle that sees her sitting in front of a computer for that long. She's in a different country every few days and doesn't want to spend the time she has overseas on the internet. This is why I only get one e-mail a week.

I realise resentful feelings are unjustified...but we can only talk in real time once a week. I guess I just don't want to feel like our relationship is 'on hold' for three months and I don't really feel like a priority. I'm torn between the knowledge that she still loves me and the feeling that I should be getting more than one e-mail a week. But then again I also know that I shouldn't necessarily feel like I should be a priority right now...

I know what you mean about keeping busy...but it's hard not to let your thoughts wander when your full time occupation is independent study. I have good days and I have days where I miss her so much I can't work. Today is one of those so I guess that's why I ended up posting here...it's cathartic to do that and hear other people's views.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Long distance relationships are tough, even for a short period of time. Try putting yourself in her shoes. You're traveling a lot, you're busy with the sights and ambiance of wherever you are in the moment, the last thing on your mind is calling home to check in. Sure, you're gonna think about home now and again, and sure, you know you SHOULD be calling to check in, but you're having so much fun you really don't want to spoil the mood with a call home. That doesn't make NOT calling home right, but you can understand the feeling and reticence to do so.

Just relax, she'll be home soon enough.

 

[minx1]

I can completely understand how you feel and I think its often more difficult for the partner who is 'left' than the one who is off experiencing new things. But you know you're half way through now and in six weeks time you will be back together. You know how committed she is to your relationship, she demonstrated that by moving in with you. Yes she had the trip planned for a while, but I'll bet that its most probably that commitment and love that has enabled her to feel that she can go and have a great time, safe in the knowledge that she has you to come home to.

I think you are right, you don't want to make her feel guilty, imo thats the worst thing that could happen as it will take some of the enjoyment of her trip away from her. It sounds like she is travelling a lot and I guess on a budget so I think you just have to accept that for this limited time, communication will be once a week.

It would be such a shame to waste six weeks just missing her (I should really take my own advice more lol) and I agree with the other poster about keeping busy. I guess its hard to study without your mind wandering back to her. And I understand that you don't want to feel that your relationship is put on hold. So if I were you, yes study, get out a bit in the fresh air and blow some cobwebs off, meet up with mates. But also, more importantly for you I think, do things for your relationship...plan things for her return,things that you can do together......you just moved in togther, so paint a room as a suprise for when she gets back. It doesn't have to cost a fortune, but its positive stuff tht you can bring to your relationship and hopefully make you feel like its less on hold...

 

[Ast87]

I can really relate to how you're feeling...My boyfriend and I initially started our relationship living on opposite sides of the world (The US and Australia) We first went 6 months without seeing each other, then two months, then 5 months. Those five months HURT. International phonecalls aren't cheap at all, so we relied on phonecards and MSN a lot. Though from what I can gather she is traveling so that can be hard. The main thing is to keep busy. Making sure I wasn't lazing round the house feeling sorry for myself really helped. Tell you friends and family how you are feeling and they will help you out. And you said you are doing independent research...really throw yourself into it and you might find you do the best research of your life.

The sexual aspect is difficult too. My boyfriend and I had the same kind of problems and its just something you have to put up with. The erotic fiction is a fantastic idea, keep up with it. Though its not the same as verbalising or being physical, it can help and lets her know that you're thinking of her. And when you do get to have phone sex or have the real deal when she gets home, it makes it even better.

Though three months seems like such a long time, but in reality it is over before you know it. And being apart truly makes the heart grow fonder. She will have so many things to share with you when she comes home and it will make up for her not being there. She feels just as bad about being away from you so you're not alone!

 

[Starbuck69]

I agree with the other posters and Minx1 had a great idea about doing some thing for the relationship while she is gone, do some thing around your place is good but the one that I like even better and one that I was going to suggest is to plan a night or even better a weekend together after she gets back, plan every thing out but keep in mind she is just getting back from a long trip so a lot of traveling for a weekend may not be a good idea.

Also about the once a week thing, sure the phone calls cost to much, but also because she is in a different place every few days it may also be a little hard to find a pc to use to e-mail you.

You said that the two of you love each other, so it sounds like the two of you plan to be together for a long time, perhaps a life time, so if you take the 3 months and compare it to years or even a life time then three months is not that long. Sure its hard know and that is why you need to stay busy doing some thing for your self and also for her when she gets back, also do you best when she gets back to enjoy every thing that she shows you.

 

[minx1]

I agree with the other posters and Minx1 had a great idea about doing some thing for the relationship while she is gone, do some thing around your place is good but the one that I like even better and one that I was going to suggest is to plan a night or even better a weekend together after she gets back, plan every thing out but keep in mind she is just getting back from a long trip so a lot of traveling for a weekend may not be a good idea.

I swear you read my mind Starbuck69! I think the idea of planning a special night together is a really good one. She's bound to be really tired and even though she's coming home to you...she'll no doubt be experiencing that weird down feeling you get when you return to reality after a holiday.(well I get it anyway lol)
You could arrange a pampering/welcome home night for her. Nothing too full on incase she is exhausted after the travelling.
You know light some candles, run her a bath, cook her a meal, buy/pick her some flowers ...just spoil her and let her know how special she is. I know I would love to be pampered like that and it will give you something to plan

 

[Eating_Scarlett]

My bf went overseas for three months about a month after we moved in together too. He went back to England to spend xmas with family and friends, and then went travelling for the remainder time in Israel with a couple of mates.

I stayed here in Australia and had just started a new job so I was working long hours, and all the while my life was just going on, he was out meeting people, travelling, drinking, trekking, getting drunk, camping in the desert with Bedouin Tribes - you name it.

It made me feel shit. I don't know why, but it did.

I think you just need to get on with your life really. Find the strength from somewhere. Realise that if youre left feeling with this big empty hole in your life, then you should probably find a way to fill it. Never let another person have that effect on you, no matter how much you love them. And if you can't help it, then at least never let them see it.

I painted our apartment, redecorated... focused on something else for a change. You need to do the same... but maybe something a little less gay than redecorating.

I dunno. The more insecure you seem, the more she senses your unhappiness, the less attractive you will become to her.

Find stuff to do, so that you have a lot to tell her each time she calls... make her want to come back to you.

 

[honeypot104]

I agree with everyone else that being the one who gets to hop on the plane and do all the fun stuff is way better than being the one who stays at home, works, studies, does laundry, puts the garbage out....you get the idea!

I have been lucky enough to do lots of travelling, and one thing that I found is that when you're travelling by yourself (not sure if your gf is or not) it can get pretty lonely - not so much having to do things by yourself, but having no-one to share the experience with. When I first went travelling I kept a travelog of sorts...it wasn't so much "saw a lion today" but rather "had to laugh at myself, got so excited about seeing a lion today that I switched my camera off rather than taking a picture" (really ) - the kind of things I would share with the people closest to me if they'd been there. When I got home I made a copy of it with some photos and sent it to my mother. Kinda dorky, but as she'd been really worried that I could have been eaten by said lion, it was great for her to sort of share the experience with me and to realize that her daughter wasn't entirely nuts.

Is there the opportunity for you to suggest something similar to your girlfriend? I know you won't get to see it til she gets back, but it might help to know that she's doing it for you, and give her something to do when she's bored waiting for the next bus!

 

[StarlitLillith]

My guy and I are apart a good most of the time. I'm a student and go home for the summer usually. Right after we started dating, I went back home for the summer. We spent a good 4 months apart. It was a little difficult but I was working and so was he. Maybe you should find things to fill up your spare time...it's not like you're life is ending. I did all kinds of stuff and then reconnected with him when I had the chance. If she doesn't want to spend her time overseas in front of a computer, then why don't you purchase calling cards? I know they aren't as expensive as they used to be, and it might be money well spent if you're hearing your lovers voice more often.

But really, you shouldn't be letting another person make you feel this way, regardless of how much you love them. When there is a 'hole' in your life, you're the only person that can fill it. Maybe there was always something 'missing'.