Coping with embarrassing messes??

[Shalrath]

Slightly offbeat topic this, but...

I have no problem with almost all bodily fluids, in fact several of them are really quite welcome in sex. My lady friend is a bit more squeamish about some of them (tho not all).

Suffice to say without going into details there was a bit of an embarassing mess the other day. I was totally cool with it, she was rather upset. Things eventually calmed down, but it got me wondering...

With more...adventurous sex, there is the possibility for more adventurous and exciting catastrophes.... And these could involve various fluids and mess.

So what's some good ways to cope with this?? Good reassurance to give?? Any ways to learn to accept and relish the various fluids and possible messes involved?? Or just get more used to bodily functions in general??

(I don't really know from my perspective cos I don't really have an issue with it...).

Ta for any ideas.

 

[Etoile]

I'm going to guess that it would depend entirely on the dynamic between the couple, the emotional status at the time, what exactly the mess is, where it is, etc. Plastic sheet covers are your friend for getting into this kind of thing.

 

[xssve]

It depends, what fluids? No details?

Puppy pads and towels work for gushers, saves laundry - or a rubber sheet.

Keeping a box of Baby wipes handy is not always a bad idea, particularly if there are hygiene issues. Had a sub with neuropathy, had to be very careful about spreading E. coli around.

Vinyl gloves have their applications, they're very smooth, and a turn on for some people.

 

[Chicklet]

I think that the first thing to do is find out how the other person would like you to react if there's an 'accident'

For me, personally, it would be mortifying no matter HOW the other person behaved. The key would be for my partner to just show absolutely no emotion, negative or positive, about the thing that was causing me so much embarrassment, so that later looking back I could tone down the BIG DEALness of it.

 

[CurlyKat]

I totally agree with Chicklet. I get embarrassed pretty easily when it comes to bodily anything, even though I know it happens and I know it's a fact of life and all that. Whenever anything unexpected like that happens, I want to crawl under the bed and die, even when it's not a big deal.

Reacting with a "well, that happened, let's move on" works pretty well for me, then get me distracted with something else to help me tone down the mental impact and forget about worrying about it. Show me that you're prepared to handle it, and what happened doesn't affect your view of me in any way, and we're back in business.

 

[Shalrath]

I'm going to guess that it would depend entirely on the dynamic between the couple, the emotional status at the time, what exactly the mess is, where it is, etc. Plastic sheet covers are your friend for getting into this kind of thing.

Emotional status was a bit fragile - hormone and other stress issues. The fear of the mess seemed to overshadow that though! Yes adequate preparation is a useful practical measure.

It depends, what fluids? No details?

Puppy pads and towels work for gushers, saves laundry - or a rubber sheet.

Keeping a box of Baby wipes handy is not always a bad idea, particularly if there are hygiene issues. Had a sub with neuropathy, had to be very careful about spreading E. coli around.

Vinyl gloves have their applications, they're very smooth, and a turn on for some people.

Nope no details needed. Trying to leave the lady SOME dignity (since I don't have any to lose ). Again practical tips will be taken into account. Baby wipes already present.

I think that the first thing to do is find out how the other person would like you to react if there's an 'accident'

For me, personally, it would be mortifying no matter HOW the other person behaved. The key would be for my partner to just show absolutely no emotion, negative or positive, about the thing that was causing me so much embarrassment, so that later looking back I could tone down the BIG DEALness of it.

Ah, thank you, very interesting and useful reply, this was more what I was after, the psychology of it.

Good point, I will investigate that. My reaction was....maybe okay but maybe not the most productive. It was: A bit snappy (due to disappointment of mission abort) -then- trying to be caring (too much stress for that tho) -then- quietly keeping out of the lady's way -then- talking about it when she was ready. Was that the best way?? I'm not sure. As you imply different things work for different people...

Edit: Thanks curlykat, same applies to you, I'm heeding the psychology of how I deal with her stress. I did try to reassure her how lovely she still was.

 

[Bandit58]

I recall a mishap with a previous partner. He had not long before introduced me to anal sex, and one time there was a bit of a mess
He put his hand on my shoulder, told me to lie still and got up and came back with a damp washcloth. He gently cleaned me up and then we cuddled for a bit. I was a bit embarrassed, but because he was so matter-of-fact about it it didn't seem like such a big deal.

He was the first man I'd been with who wasn't fazed by period sex either. Put a towel down and away you go This was a LDR and I wasn't on any hormonal contraception at the time so could not always time our visits so that I wasn't menstruating I'll always remember what he said to me before our first meeting, when I realised that I'd probably be having my period. "I love you all the time, not part time".

Sadly the relationship did not last, but I learned not to be quite so embarrassed about things I have no control over

 

[Pinkneonsocks]

My partner and I just purchased a special blanket that doesn't allow the fluids to soak through. We lay the blanket down before sex and just take it off after and throw it in the washer. Hooray!

We were going through too many towels.

 

[Shalrath]

I recall a mishap with a previous partner. He had not long before introduced me to anal sex, and one time there was a bit of a mess

As there can easily be

He put his hand on my shoulder, told me to lie still and got up and came back with a damp washcloth. He gently cleaned me up and then we cuddled for a bit. I was a bit embarrassed, but because he was so matter-of-fact about it it didn't seem like such a big deal.

He was the first man I'd been with who wasn't fazed by period sex either. Put a towel down and away you go This was a LDR and I wasn't on any hormonal contraception at the time so could not always time our visits so that I wasn't menstruating I'll always remember what he said to me before our first meeting, when I realised that I'd probably be having my period. "I love you all the time, not part time".

Sadly the relationship did not last, but I learned not to be quite so embarrassed about things I have no control over

That's nice. I think I'm pretty similar. I don't seek period sex but don't mind it.

I did try to be matter of fact and helpful with the embarassing mess, but the lady was somewhat hysterical, it didn't really work. Hmmm.

I do get the point about putting something on the bed etc etc, that's pretty obvious. I'm still more interested in the psychology of dealing with / helping someone deal with such mishaps.

 

[CutieMouse]

As there can easily be


That's nice. I think I'm pretty similar. I don't seek period sex but don't mind it.

I did try to be matter of fact and helpful with the embarassing mess, but the lady was somewhat hysterical, it didn't really work. Hmmm.

I do get the point about putting something on the bed etc etc, that's pretty obvious. I'm still more interested in the psychology of dealing with / helping someone deal with such mishaps.

I'm guessing she's young-ish? (I ask because as an "older" woman who's been through birth, babies, potty training, stomach flu, etc, I find myself far far less phased by "icky" things than younger women I know who haven't gone through the messier trials of life. )

I've been skimming the thread, and keep coming back to the thought Everyone Poops... and pees, and passes gas, and vomits, and drools, and bleeds, and climaxes, and, and, and.

Being a person is a messy experience, even given the best of situations.

There might be some degree of humiliation/shame regarding certain bodily fluids, given that society expects such things to be private, but bodily fluids/etc are just part of being alive. Period. You can't escape it. Should she be wired in a rather interesting manner, one might be able to "harness" that embarrassing/shameful feeling to the enjoyment of both parties; otherwise it may just be an issue of time/developing a degree of maturity re: how the body works, exactly.

Oh and if you don't want to invest in special sheets for messy moments, try the old midwife's trick of layering the bed - mattress pad, plastic shower curtain, bottom sheet, shower curtain, bottom sheet, etc. If one layer gets dirty, it takes five seconds to strip the bed and have a fresh playing field.

 

[Adakgirl]

Yet another excellent reply CutieMouse, I am thinking along the exact same lines as you do on this topic. The woman must be very young or very sexually inexperienced to have such a hysterical reaction and be so upset about her accidental expulsion of bodily fluids while engage in sexual activities.
It is possible that this was the first time that kind of thing ever happened to her during sex and it surprised and shocked her..and she reacted automatically by freaking out.
Could she have...upon seeing it... thought that it had been caused by some internal injury and that caused her to get scared and hysterical?
Did it happen on your bed or furniture? If so maybe that caused her reaction because she was upset that she may have permanently stained it?

If this was a peeing incident...that can happen to some women when they are extremely sexually aroused and excited, but those cases are fairly rare. Or it is possible that she may have a medical condition which caused her to lose control of her bladder and should be checked by a Dr.

Let's assume it was a normal bodily function and you both knew it, yet she still reacted badly to it.
She needs to be re-assured that it is perfectly normal and natural for those things to happen occasionally and that it happens to all women sooner or later not just her.
You needed to stop when you saw her start to freak out and try to calm her down and reassure her rather than snapping at her and getting off of her. Ways to calm her would be holding her, looking in her eyes, stroking her face, giving her little kisses, while talking to her to re-assure her that she was fine that everything was ok, no big deal and she should just relax. Then once calmed down then let her go deal with the mess. If that doesn't calm down, then let just her go. If this was an anal sex mess then dealing with it like bandit58's partner did is a perfect way to handle it.

Once she is calm don't let her emotionally seclude herself from you. Tell her you need to talk about what happened and tell her your feelings about it. Let her know what I said above and tell her you are sorry for snapping at her and explain why you did. Let her know that it does not bother you a bit and there is no need for her to be embarrassed about stuff like that happening when she is with you. Then talk about how you both should handle it should it happen again. That's all the advice I can think of to give you, good luck.

 

[lilylicious]

try the old midwife's trick of layering the bed - mattress pad, plastic shower curtain, bottom sheet, shower curtain, bottom sheet, etc. If one layer gets dirty, it takes five seconds to strip the bed and have a fresh playing field.

Love this idea! Even if you use special sheets or a water proof mattress pads, you could layer them like this to make it quick and easy to change them out.

 

[lilylicious]

We all just want assurance that we're ok in the eyes of others. This assurance may be different for different people. Maybe cuddling and discussing it works for some, but for others laughing and joking about it might work. The bottom line is you just need to do whatever it takes to make sure she knows it's not a big deal to you and she is more than her bodily fluids, more than that one moment to you.

 

[Shalrath]

We all just want assurance that we're ok in the eyes of others. This assurance may be different for different people. Maybe cuddling and discussing it works for some, but for others laughing and joking about it might work. The bottom line is you just need to do whatever it takes to make sure she knows it's not a big deal to you and she is more than her bodily fluids, more than that one moment to you.

Actually I quite welcome her bodily fluids, overall

I did try reassurance, she seemed to be too hysterical, I can try harder and find what works in such situations (this applies to general crisis in a relationship of course).

Cutiemouse: She isn't that young, however she is somewhat neurotic about bodily issues. This is something we are working on, I'm trying to encourage her, partly because being more relaxed is good in general and partly cos she's so lovely she deserves to feel better about herself.

This includes bodily fluids of course, in some ways. So maybe just general encouragement and becoming more relaxed together will help...

Could she have...upon seeing it... thought that it had been caused by some internal injury and that caused her to get scared and hysterical?
Did it happen on your bed or furniture? If so maybe that caused her reaction because she was upset that she may have permanently stained it?

She viewed it as a shocking lack of control. I must confess I was being quite cavalier about what might happen and indeed having no concern about her losing control.

It was her bed, she wasn't upset that it was doing something to anything of mine.

Let's assume it was a normal bodily function and you both knew it, yet she still reacted badly to it.
She needs to be re-assured that it is perfectly normal and natural for those things to happen occasionally and that it happens to all women sooner or later not just her.
You needed to stop when you saw her start to freak out and try to calm her down and reassure her rather than snapping at her and getting off of her. Ways to calm her would be holding her, looking in her eyes, stroking her face, giving her little kisses, while talking to her to re-assure her that she was fine that everything was ok, no big deal and she should just relax. Then once calmed down then let her go deal with the mess. If that doesn't calm down, then let just her go.

She was hysterical beyond reassurance and beyond cuddles.

Once she is calm don't let her emotionally seclude herself from you. Tell her you need to talk about what happened and tell her your feelings about it. Let her know what I said above and tell her you are sorry for snapping at her and explain why you did. Let her know that it does not bother you a bit and there is no need for her to be embarrassed about stuff like that happening when she is with you. Then talk about how you both should handle it should it happen again. That's all the advice I can think of to give you, good luck.

On the other hand, she calmed down pretty quick and was able to discuss it well. She might be fairly mental but she is very aware too, which is nice.

The thing is, I am not bothered, she knows I am not bothered. She IS bothered. Maybe some deep down part is bothered because she mistakenly thinks it bothers me, but on the surface it's just an....well just a personal neurosis (I hope that doesn;t sound judgemental, it's not, it's just being clear - I have far too many issues of my own to judge her).

Thank you though, I've taken ways and ideas from here of how to progress (gradually I expect).

 

[Marquis]

Clean up, keep it moving.

Treat it as not a big deal and I think eventually that will get across.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Are there OCD issues going on with this lady? My business partner is very OCD (not to such a debilitating degree these days but it governs many aspects of his life) and very fastidious about personal hygiene. It distresses him severely to be/feel dirty and bodily fluids are particularly difficult for him to deal with. OCD sufferers panic if they feel they've been exposed to something unhygienic or a potential source of infection. Things like that can cause panic attacks and hysteria.

For example, we've been friends for years and worked together for years and he knows that I'm understanding about his OCD and will work within that. If I need to use the toilet in his apartment (currently our registered office, such is the fun of new enterprise) he knows that I will wipe the seat with a disinfectant wipe and then use a fresh one to press the flush lever. He knows I will squirt hand sanitizer from a bottle with the hand I have not used to wipe myself and that afterwards I will wash them with soap and water. He knows all this but I still catch him disappearing into the bathroom after me and doing it all again to his satisfaction. He can't relax or work until he knows it's done.

I also think it's telling that your lady was distressed about losing control. Sex should be all about losing control and if she is as tightly wound as you describe, this will be a big hurdle for her. If her reactions are as extreme as you say, professional counselling might help her to cope better with the messier side of sex and of other aspects of life too. This does not sound to me like purely a sexual issue, though as always I reserve the right to be way off base.

 

[Shalrath]

Are there OCD issues going on with this lady?

OCD, hmmmm.

Takes apart her sandwiches and rearranges the ingredients into a more acceptable order - CHECK

Lets me wash the dishes and then later on secretly re-washes them to her specifications - CHECK

Seemingly random mortification at some bodily fluids - CHECK

I also think it's telling that your lady was distressed about losing control. Sex should be all about losing control and if she is as tightly wound as you describe, this will be a big hurdle for her. If her reactions are as extreme as you say, professional counselling might help her to cope better with the messier side of sex and of other aspects of life too. This does not sound to me like purely a sexual issue, though as always I reserve the right to be way off base.

Yes, we're both aware of this. We both actually talked a lot about sex online before, errr, becoming at all intimate, before it was even a possibility. She has some neuroses about sex, mostly due to previous partners, so there are some inhibitions there. However....we've started doing some more STUFF together and I think we both reckon she's pretty filthy underneath that . So yeah we're working on the control thing....I think I'm a bit different to previous partners, it might help.

P.S. Obviously I am talking a bit about this ladies issues and about progressing with them. It's fair to point out that I have my own issues that are more debilitating as far as leading an acceptable life goes and I have a lot of work I need to do on them - but they're not sex related.

 

[Primalex]

There is no mess, there is just the wrong power tool for cleaning up.

 

[nh23]

I normally have no problem with any kind of body fluids. Master and I both have a bit of a blood fetish and frequently have sex while I'm menstruating, we've also gotten into watersports pretty heavily here lately.

However there was once when I got really upset. It was during my period and I was having a really heavy period that month. I had orgasmed several times which always makes the flow heavier. When Master pulled out of me there was blood everywhere, and not to gross anyone out, a lot of clotting. He had a rather violent reaction that I mistook. He looked at me in what I thought was disgust and told me to get to the fucking bathroom and get myself cleaned up.

I was very hurt, because I thought that he found me disgusting, or was disgusted by the mess. I went to the bathtub and cried my eyes out..lol. In reality he was extremely worried that he had hurt me. He'd never seen me bleed out that much and thought he'd done something to hurt me. His reaction was really more of an "aww fuck I just did something really bad to her."

So maybe she just mistook your reaction, or her issues cause anything other than a placid reaction to be a bad thing.

 

[Shalrath]

There is no mess, there is just the wrong power tool for cleaning up.

I strongly suspect she'd have welcomed high pressuring hosing to purify her, at the time :S

Nh23: I didn't have the reaction, she did. I calmly pointed out the mess....and then was somewhat surprised when it all kicked off...

 

[TashaCaprice]

I had a pretty icky mess once.... I'd been with him for a year but we'd been fighting like cats and dogs and breaking up off and on for the last month, but we were still having sex regularly. But one day we decided to meet up and I was trying to tell him I wanted to break it off for good, and no more sex either. We fought, cooled down, then drove to a park so I could give him head to cheer him up... but he stayed really hostile with me and demanded that we go home to the bedroom because he "wanted my asshole". I'd been really sick that week so I was apprehensive but I obliged. It started out *really* nice, it was the most relaxed I ever was during anal, and it was the longest 'session' of anal sex we'd had all year. But then he started getting angry, telling me I love his dick too much to break up for good, that my body is his, etc etc etc, and just started pounding the hell out of me. I tried to take it like a champ, I think I lasted about 5 more minutes even though I was screaming and crying a little, and then I felt this ... moistness all around.. I tried to turn and look but he held my head in place and told me not to worry about it, and just kept fucking me.. I put my hand down near my pussy and felt a combination of my wetness, a little blood, and some *you-know-what* combined. I freaked out, I really wanted him to stop because I was so embarrassed and my stomach was beginning to cramp terribly from the prolonged anal, but he just wanted to keep going... he stayed rock hard, unaffected, and eventually came inside my ass... leaving that much more mess for me to clean!
In the end, I ran to the bathroom feeling so damn awful, I even dry-heaved a few times.. but I cleaned it up and then went back to the bedroom to face him and apologize profusely, still totally embarrassed that it was supposed to be our last sex.. but he was STILL rock hard. He said it was amazing, he thought it was "awesome" that he could do that to me... and now, 5 months later we are still together, he tells me how much of a turn on it is and that he wishes I would... you know... expell the same body substances on him while he jerks off. He requests this very, very often! He didn't know it at the time but now me doing that is one of his biggest turn-ons.

 

[Llan2193]

Bandit has it right on the money, during any awkward situation, she is going to look for you to for how to respond. She is vulnerable and exposed, your initial reaction will set the tone for the entire event.
Reassure her though soft verbal and non verbal communication.

 

[cebalrai]

My GF doesn't want to have vaginal sex during her period because it's supposedly messy. So she wants to substitute anal sex during those times.

Although yesterday we had vaginal during her period and didn't even talk about it....

 

[Cobalt_Reign]

Deal with it in stride and don't make a big deal out of it. Depending on the mess, you could even act like you like it. I know we tend to get very messy in even casual sex, and it's a mark of pride that I can make her come that much. For other messes, just handle it. Don't freak out, just let her know that you're okay about it. Clean up together if she's insistent, or do it yourself. Just don't act like some hideous thing happened and you'll be fine.

It's all natural. No point in letting it bother you. If it's something you can prevent, then do so.