Svenskaflicka
Fountain
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- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
Lime said:
*hides under table*
Is it over, yet?
Cool Down EL before she Explodes!
- Thread starter English Lady
- Start date
*hides under table*
Is it over, yet?
English Lady
Erotic English Rose
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- Sep 28, 2002
- Posts
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well the table is over your head svenskaflicka...
but if you mean the er hmmm political stuff...erm no..another week of it methinks...
but if you mean the er hmmm political stuff...erm no..another week of it methinks...
tolyk
Checked out
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- Feb 2, 2004
- Posts
- 45,663
Jokes
The Weenie Dog
Bush and Saddam decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Saddam found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Iraqi dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Saddam's dog. Saddam's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Saddam's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Saddam came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing," said Bush. "We had the best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
The Elmo Misunderstanding
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The
personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to
work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel
manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts
ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end
of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material
used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as
she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles,
and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several
minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and
says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your
job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
The Weenie Dog
Bush and Saddam decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Saddam found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Iraqi dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Saddam's dog. Saddam's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Saddam's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Saddam came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing," said Bush. "We had the best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
The Elmo Misunderstanding
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The
personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to
work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel
manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts
ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end
of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material
used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as
she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles,
and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several
minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and
says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your
job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
tolyk
Checked out
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- Feb 2, 2004
- Posts
- 45,663
R. D. Jones And His Sewing Machine
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared
four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct
the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him
cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone
948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the
classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For
sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone
948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the
phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly.
Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared
four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct
the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him
cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone
948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the
classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For
sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone
948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the
phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly.
Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
English Lady
Erotic English Rose
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- Sep 28, 2002
- Posts
- 48,011
I've seen the Elmo one before Tolyk but it still made me giggle *grins* Thank you
English Lady
Erotic English Rose
- Joined
- Sep 28, 2002
- Posts
- 48,011
Absolutely adored the second post tolyk -had me in fits of giggles
tolyk
Checked out
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- Feb 2, 2004
- Posts
- 45,663
No problem I've got a ton more where that came from.. I keep all the jokes that I get in my mail for such occassions as this
The Mother In Law
A couple was going out for the evening. They got all ready - all dolled up, put the cat out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the cat shoots back in the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!"
I've got a ton more where that came from.. I keep all the jokes that I get in my mail for such occassions as this The Mother In Law
A couple was going out for the evening. They got all ready - all dolled up, put the cat out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the cat shoots back in the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!"
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
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- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
Re: Jokes
Wonderful!
A woman writes a letter to the Ask the Doctor column in the newspaper, and asks if she's understood the veterinarian correctly - he said that her dog had gotten an infection from anal sex! She was absolutely sure her dog had never had anal sex.
The doctor kindly responded "Dear Madam, I believe you've misunderstood the veterinarian. What he said was most likely that the dog had gotten an infection in its anal sacks..."
tolyk said:
Wonderful!
A woman writes a letter to the Ask the Doctor column in the newspaper, and asks if she's understood the veterinarian correctly - he said that her dog had gotten an infection from anal sex! She was absolutely sure her dog had never had anal sex.
The doctor kindly responded "Dear Madam, I believe you've misunderstood the veterinarian. What he said was most likely that the dog had gotten an infection in its anal sacks..."
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
tolyk said:
*laughing so hard my eyes are teary*
I can't breathe! Hee hee hee - tolyk, you're killing me!
tolyk
Checked out
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- 45,663
Glad you both liked that one, I always enjoyed it too I'll throw in a couple more.
To My Darling Husband,
I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy.
He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still
remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday.
What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster made you sneeze.
The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it.
I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen, and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love,
Jane
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing.
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion...
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left the light on in the shed, she could see it from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in the area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available. I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.
"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars
red-handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
I replied with "And I thought you said there was nobody available!"
I'll throw in a couple more.To My Darling Husband,
I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy.
He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still
remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday.
What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster made you sneeze.
The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it.
I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen, and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love,
Jane
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing.
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion...
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left the light on in the shed, she could see it from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in the area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available. I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.
"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars
red-handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
I replied with "And I thought you said there was nobody available!"
tolyk
Checked out
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2004
- Posts
- 45,663
and yet more jokes
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was
going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little
boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Tommy: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later)
Teacher: Tommy, did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God?
Tommy: No.
Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Little girl: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yesssssss ( getting tired of the questions by this time).
Little girl: Did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yesssssss.
Little girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
Tommy: Yes.
Little girl: Do you see her brain?
Tommy: No.
Little girl: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was
going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little
boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Tommy: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later)
Teacher: Tommy, did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God?
Tommy: No.
Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Little girl: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yesssssss ( getting tired of the questions by this time).
Little girl: Did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yesssssss.
Little girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
Tommy: Yes.
Little girl: Do you see her brain?
Tommy: No.
Little girl: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
tolyk
Checked out
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2004
- Posts
- 45,663
Jokes to cheer you up
Opening An Account
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and
says she wants to open a savings account.
The accounts person asks her how much she would like to
deposit to open the account and the little old lady says,
"Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what
form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got
it here in this bag..."
The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady
has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in
big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person
excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle
this one.
He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office
to handle it personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she
got so much money. She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?," he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and
I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here
that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square,
and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be
willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming
from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the
president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something
about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover
that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it
from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know
what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not
going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way," said the president, and they shook
hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning," said the little old
lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a
younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the
bank president's office.
The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one.
He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every
few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness,
but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of
times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing
he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this
gentleman be?" said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a
witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable," said the president.
"Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess
I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred
grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop
your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in
her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his
pants.
The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to
feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old
lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her
lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I
had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the
President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by
noon today."
Art (true story)
As an art teacher for an elementary school
here in Jacksonville, Florida one of my recent
assignments for the children was to enter a
contest that our new national football team,
the Jacksonville Jaguars, was promoting. The
winning artwork gets placed on the back of
the season tickets.
I encouraged the children to come up with a
good logo as well as a colorful creation. One
innocent little girl was so enthused about her
masterpiece she turned in to me. It had a
picture of a mean looking jaguar that read,
"You're messin' with the wrong pussy."
AWOL
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior
drill instructor realized that one of his recruits
had gone AWOL, so a search party was
dispatched immediately.
After a few hours, the recruit was discovered
hiding in some bushes nearby. He was sent
back to the base and promptly escorted to the
drill instructor's office.
The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why
did you go AWOL?"
The recruit replied, "On my first day here, you
issued me a comb and then proceeded to cut
my hair off. On the second day, you issued me
a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist,
who proceeded to pull out my teeth. Finally,
on the third day, you issued me a jock strap...
and I wasn't about to wait around to find out
what would follow that, Sir."
Opening An Account
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and
says she wants to open a savings account.
The accounts person asks her how much she would like to
deposit to open the account and the little old lady says,
"Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what
form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got
it here in this bag..."
The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady
has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in
big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person
excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle
this one.
He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office
to handle it personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she
got so much money. She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?," he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and
I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here
that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square,
and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be
willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming
from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the
president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something
about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover
that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it
from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know
what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not
going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way," said the president, and they shook
hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning," said the little old
lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a
younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the
bank president's office.
The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one.
He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every
few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness,
but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of
times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing
he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this
gentleman be?" said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a
witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable," said the president.
"Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess
I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred
grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop
your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in
her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his
pants.
The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to
feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old
lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her
lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I
had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the
President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by
noon today."
Art (true story)
As an art teacher for an elementary school
here in Jacksonville, Florida one of my recent
assignments for the children was to enter a
contest that our new national football team,
the Jacksonville Jaguars, was promoting. The
winning artwork gets placed on the back of
the season tickets.
I encouraged the children to come up with a
good logo as well as a colorful creation. One
innocent little girl was so enthused about her
masterpiece she turned in to me. It had a
picture of a mean looking jaguar that read,
"You're messin' with the wrong pussy."
AWOL
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior
drill instructor realized that one of his recruits
had gone AWOL, so a search party was
dispatched immediately.
After a few hours, the recruit was discovered
hiding in some bushes nearby. He was sent
back to the base and promptly escorted to the
drill instructor's office.
The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why
did you go AWOL?"
The recruit replied, "On my first day here, you
issued me a comb and then proceeded to cut
my hair off. On the second day, you issued me
a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist,
who proceeded to pull out my teeth. Finally,
on the third day, you issued me a jock strap...
and I wasn't about to wait around to find out
what would follow that, Sir."
tolyk
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Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring,
and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, Miss Bea had flipped or something...! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."
Viagra joke:
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. $10.00 a pill answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill." The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
Magic Trick:
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each
week, so he did the same tricks over and over again.
One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
figure out how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he
started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!" - "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the captain's parrot. Then, during a fierce storm, the ship sank!
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea
with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with
hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then
another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring,
and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, Miss Bea had flipped or something...! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."
Viagra joke:
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. $10.00 a pill answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill." The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
Magic Trick:
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each
week, so he did the same tricks over and over again.
One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
figure out how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he
started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!" - "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the captain's parrot. Then, during a fierce storm, the ship sank!
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea
with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with
hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then
another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
English Lady
Erotic English Rose
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tolyk *chuckles* why thank you..I think I am well chilled now
G
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English Lady
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*LMAO*
Oh i like that one lime
Keep'em coming.
I've had another damn awful day....it's becoming a bit of a regular thing isn't it?*L*
Oh i like that one lime
Keep'em coming.
I've had another damn awful day....it's becoming a bit of a regular thing isn't it?*L*
tolyk
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Okay, since we aren't supposed to upload copywrited images, here is a link: www.redmeat.com some funny comics there, definately the ones about the Priest and God
How To Get Out of A Ticket
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
How To Get Out of A Ticket
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
tolyk
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On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman
* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island
* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions
* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store
* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun
* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of frigging nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping........
- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman
* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island
* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions
* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store
* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun
* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of frigging nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping........
Last edited:
tolyk
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Things to think about
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why ARE Trix only for kids?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why is a person that handles your money called a Broker?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Did you know that the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
(Are you singing them both to really find out?!)
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there
is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why ARE Trix only for kids?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why is a person that handles your money called a Broker?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Did you know that the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
(Are you singing them both to really find out?!)
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there
is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
tolyk
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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am." replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "every thing you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am." replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "every thing you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
English Lady
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I've read that last one before and it makes me giggle every time I loved the speeding ticket one too
*grins* you're doing wonders for my sanity tolyk
I loved the speeding ticket one too *grins* you're doing wonders for my sanity tolyk
tolyk
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another one from the reaper of comedy
A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning)hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning)hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
English Lady
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oh i like that speeding one..my hubby did too and the photo's a classic
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