Conversion from BDSM sex life to a more generic one

[katydidnt]

This may not be the right forum, but I'll start here. Are there any people out there
who enjoy aspects of BDSM--a little slapping around, roughness, bondage, humiliation etc. and have "converted" to a more romantic, semi rough, but no slapping or humiliation AND ultimately been satisfied?? It's not like I have a decade of experience in BDSM, far from it, but I do know what I like, and I won't get it, even occasionally with my current man. He finds hitting/slapping women repulsive. He would consider it abusive and would not want to hurt me. I can appreciate that, but I'm kind of concerned about long term.

Has anyone experienced anything similar...or even a once a week missionary position converting the other way?

Curious.

 

[DVS]

This may not be the right forum, but I'll start here. Are there any people out there
who enjoy aspects of BDSM--a little slapping around, roughness, bondage, humiliation etc. and have "converted" to a more romantic, semi rough, but no slapping or humiliation AND ultimately been satisfied?? It's not like I have a decade of experience in BDSM, far from it, but I do know what I like, and I won't get it, even occasionally with my current man. He finds hitting/slapping women repulsive. He would consider it abusive and would not want to hurt me. I can appreciate that, but I'm kind of concerned about long term.

Has anyone experienced anything similar...or even a once a week missionary position converting the other way?

Curious.

I'm sure it's been done, but I wonder what the results were. If someone truly desires a certain kind of sexual satisfaction, can they be happy, without it?

Sure, it depends very much on the individual, the amount of desire involved and if other aspects of his/her life are fulfilling enough to make up for the lack of sexual satisfaction.

I understand it might make someone's lifestyle easier, but BDSM is just too much a part of me to even attempt a life without it. I've known I was into BDSM from a very early age. I'd always notice something missing in my life.

Living in the mid-west and the bible belt, I'm sure I could probably find a nice vanilla woman and settle down. But, I'm presently alone, so I guess I'd rather do without than compromise my desires.

 

[CutieMouse]

This may not be the right forum, but I'll start here. Are there any people out there
who enjoy aspects of BDSM--a little slapping around, roughness, bondage, humiliation etc. and have "converted" to a more romantic, semi rough, but no slapping or humiliation AND ultimately been satisfied?? It's not like I have a decade of experience in BDSM, far from it, but I do know what I like, and I won't get it, even occasionally with my current man. He finds hitting/slapping women repulsive. He would consider it abusive and would not want to hurt me. I can appreciate that, but I'm kind of concerned about long term.

Has anyone experienced anything similar...or even a once a week missionary position converting the other way?

Curious.

Question -

Do you know he would consider it abusive no matter what, or do you assume he would consider it abusive no matter what [based on what you know of him]?

Have you discussed your desires explicitly? If so, how have you explained your interest in rougher sex? When he describes his idea of hitting/slapping/humiliation in a consensual situation, does it align with your views of hitting/slapping/humiliation?

 

[yourmissl]

I'm going to weigh in even though I'm a super-newbie to acknowledging these needs and am not even certain exactly what it is I want or need.

At this point, overall, (and in my late 40's... okay, okay, early 50's ) I would simply not bother with someone who wasn't at least a bit bent in the same direction. I have a pretty terrific and full life, and just don't want to waste the time, you know?

Having said that, I know with absolute certainty that should a certain man, one I haven't even spoken to in 23 years, walk back into my life? I wouldn't care if we never moved out of the missionary position. Truly. I will love this man until the day I die, and ANY sex with him was simply the best.

So then I wonder, could I ever love someone else like that? And would that make a difference? Whether that applies at all to your situation, I don't know, Katydid, but for me, at least, its truth.

Good luck... let us know how things progress, maybe? I'd certainly be interested.

linds

 

[Geoffjones]

This may not be the right forum, but I'll start here. Are there any people out there
who enjoy aspects of BDSM--a little slapping around, roughness, bondage, humiliation etc. and have "converted" to a more romantic, semi rough, but no slapping or humiliation AND ultimately been satisfied?? It's not like I have a decade of experience in BDSM, far from it, but I do know what I like, and I won't get it, even occasionally with my current man. He finds hitting/slapping women repulsive. He would consider it abusive and would not want to hurt me. I can appreciate that, but I'm kind of concerned about long term.

Has anyone experienced anything similar...or even a once a week missionary position converting the other way?

Curious.

This figures. Plaintively.

 

[RawHumor]

This figures. Plaintively.

God... stalk much?

 

[Geoffjones]

Not even close, idiot.

 

[Etoile]

I've done it. Others have too. Is it for everyone? Maybe not. I started a group on Fetlife called "Not Kinky Anymore" and I've gotten some discussion there.

 

[bruisedangel]

I've gone just the opposite way. I've spent too much time in relationships where I've been ultimately unsatisfied. The things that I want, I'm not going to be able to get out of a person who isn't kinked in quite the same way. I've attempted to explain what I wanted to partners. I've gone so far to spell things out, not just with saying it, but handing stories and showing porn. It's entirely unfair of me to a partner to not get personal enjoyment out of fucking. If I were pretending to go along with hum-drum, wham, bam, thank you ma'am sex, pretending to enjoy myself, I would only wind up resentful of the person. I'm certain there are people in the world who do. I'm certain they're the ones who believe if you love someone enough, you make it work, no matter the cost. Doesn't work for me, though. Good thing for me I've found someone who meshes with me, ranging from the carnal to the intellectual.

 

[SimonBrooke]

This may not be the right forum, but I'll start here. Are there any people out there
who enjoy aspects of BDSM--a little slapping around, roughness, bondage, humiliation etc. and have "converted" to a more romantic, semi rough, but no slapping or humiliation AND ultimately been satisfied?? It's not like I have a decade of experience in BDSM, far from it, but I do know what I like, and I won't get it, even occasionally with my current man. He finds hitting/slapping women repulsive. He would consider it abusive and would not want to hurt me. I can appreciate that, but I'm kind of concerned about long term.

I've gone just the opposite way. I've spent too much time in relationships where I've been ultimately unsatisfied. The things that I want, I'm not going to be able to get out of a person who isn't kinked in quite the same way. I've attempted to explain what I wanted to partners. I've gone so far to spell things out, not just with saying it, but handing stories and showing porn. It's entirely unfair of me to a partner to not get personal enjoyment out of fucking. If I were pretending to go along with hum-drum, wham, bam, thank you ma'am sex, pretending to enjoy myself, I would only wind up resentful of the person. I'm certain there are people in the world who do. I'm certain they're the ones who believe if you love someone enough, you make it work, no matter the cost. Doesn't work for me, though. Good thing for me I've found someone who meshes with me, ranging from the carnal to the intellectual.

Katy, the only good news I have for you is that he could change - but (from my experience) it may take him years and several changes of relationship.

The Angel is right. If you're kinked, you're kinked - and you can no more unkink than a gay person can become straight. Trying will leave you long term deeply unhappy. I've got to the point in my life where I'd rather not have sex ever again than have another relationship with an unkinked person.

Life is, ultimately, too short. And you only get one. Yes, I'm sure you love this guy, but do you love him enough for a lifetime of dissatisfaction and unhappiness? You are going to have to leave him. That's always hard, but the longer you leave it the harder it gets.

 

[Etoile]

If you're kinked, you're kinked - and you can no more unkink than a gay person can become straight. Trying will leave you long term deeply unhappy.

I disagree, but I have tried to type out why three times now and it's not working. *headwall*

 

[MisterSir]

I can only agree with what Simon's saying to an extent. I agree, if a person's kinky they're kinky for life and can't unkink themselves short of some serious deprogramming, but I do think it can be suppressed. It may be out of necessity or out of choice and, if I can play amateur psychiatrist, you're not as susceptible to being unhappy in the long run because you're choosing to give up kink for your partner (if I'm right in thinking she's vanilla).

You're happy in not being kinky, whereas the thread starter and others like her don't have a choice in the matter - for one reason or another, they're being forced into not being kinky and that sucks. K's clearly not happy with her life as it is and, if she's right in believing she can't convince her man to kink himself, she's either got to choose to not be kinky and lock that part of herself away or leave him.

I could be spouting unadulterated bullshit, I realise this, but that's how I'm seeing it. Am I right or wrong?

 

[katydidnt]

Oh he knows, at least what I've admitted here. That came out a while ago. And smacking around is OUT OF THE QUESTION. Period. He would consider it disrespectful, and has concerns about doing some real damage. He's about 10 inches taller than I am (but everyone is taller than I am, I'm only 5'2") and outweighs me by at least 100 lbs.

But it's not like BDSM was a huge part of my life, I never got to experience the stuff that really turned me on. I experimented pretty heavily with an ex boyfriend, though not to the extent I wanted..***** is about compromises. I don't think it will leave a gaping hole in my life. I'm just wondering about other people...??

 

[katydidnt]

I've done it. Others have too. Is it for everyone? Maybe not. I started a group on Fetlife called "Not Kinky Anymore" and I've gotten some discussion there.

Well this is what I wanted to hear. Not "it's impossible, forget it. You'll be miserable." Though I know it's a possibility. Whatever. I'm going to check out your group, if I can find my way around that site. Very good, thank you.

 

[CutieMouse]

Oh he knows, at least what I've admitted here. That came out a while ago. And smacking around is OUT OF THE QUESTION. Period. He would consider it disrespectful, and has concerns about doing some real damage. He's about 10 inches taller than I am (but everyone is taller than I am, I'm only 5'2") and outweighs me by at least 100 lbs.

That's what I'm trying to figure out, in order to give you an answer. "He would consider it disrespectful" is totally different from "he has concerns about doing some real damage". His size/height/etc has nothing to do with what damage he could possibly inflict; you could just as easily damage him, if you knew how. That's why people learn how to do certain things, instead of just winging it.

If I told the guy I'm currently dating that I wanted him to "smack me around", he'd say "hell no!" and that would be that. He knows I'm submissive, he knows I enjoy mindfucks, he knows I have masochistic tendencies. We both also know my idea of a kinky endorphin rush and his don't quite match up; however, he's discovering the um... rewards of pushing things a little harder than usual, and is kinda liking it. Things aren't all that black/white re: have kink/don't.

But it's not like BDSM was a huge part of my life, I never got to experience the stuff that really turned me on. I experimented pretty heavily with an ex boyfriend, though not to the extent I wanted..***** is about compromises. I don't think it will leave a gaping hole in my life. I'm just wondering about other people...??

Food for thought - the stuff that really turned you on in fantasy land, might not do so in real life.

Well this is what I wanted to hear. Not "it's impossible, forget it. You'll be miserable." Though I know it's a possibility. Whatever. I'm going to check out your group, if I can find my way around that site. Very good, thank you.

This sounds like you want sunshine and roses responses instead of personal experience/opinion? So more people have been unsuccessful/unhappy in compromising a part of their sexuality... that doesn't guarantee you will [or have to] be.

 

[SimonBrooke]

Oh he knows, at least what I've admitted here. That came out a while ago. And smacking around is OUT OF THE QUESTION. Period. He would consider it disrespectful, and has concerns about doing some real damage. He's about 10 inches taller than I am (but everyone is taller than I am, I'm only 5'2") and outweighs me by at least 100 lbs.

Nicely brought up men are hugely programmed not to hit women. It is enormously hard to break through that programming. It took me many years. The key for me (which may work for him) was to separate out 'hitting in sex' from 'hitting in anger'. Hitting in anger is still, clearly, a good thing to be inhibited about. But hitting in sex may not be. Also, using some ritual instrument (which could be as simple as a hairbrush or belt) can make a semiotic difference. So perhaps you can between you come up with a way of signalling to one another 'this hitting is not really hitting, this is sex and that's OK'. If you can, then, brilliant.

But it's not like BDSM was a huge part of my life, I never got to experience the stuff that really turned me on. I experimented pretty heavily with an ex boyfriend, though not to the extent I wanted..***** is about compromises. I don't think it will leave a gaping hole in my life. I'm just wondering about other people...??

As you say, life is about compromises. And a good relationship with a good man is worth investing in. Sex isn't everything in life and it isn't even everything in a relationship. This relationship may work for you, even if he can't give you the sex you need. I hope it does.

 

[FurryFury]

I disagree, but I have tried to type out why three times now and it's not working. *headwall*

Etoile,

Are you saying you are no longer kinky or that your relationship no longer has kink in it?

 

[Etoile]

Etoile,

Are you saying you are no longer kinky or that your relationship no longer has kink in it?

Hmmm... an excellent point.

I guess it is the second one, but I am okay with it.

Make any sense?

 

[katydidnt]

That's what I'm trying to figure out, in order to give you an answer. "He would consider it disrespectful" is totally different from "he has concerns about doing some real damage". His size/height/etc has nothing to do with what damage he could possibly inflict; you could just as easily damage him, if you knew how. That's why people learn how to do certain things, instead of just winging it.

If I told the guy I'm currently dating that I wanted him to "smack me around", he'd say "hell no!" and that would be that. He knows I'm submissive, he knows I enjoy mindfucks, he knows I have masochistic tendencies. We both also know my idea of a kinky endorphin rush and his don't quite match up; however, he's discovering the um... rewards of pushing things a little harder than usual, and is kinda liking it. Things aren't all that black/white re: have kink/don't.

Food for thought - the stuff that really turned you on in fantasy land, might not do
so in real life.

This sounds like you want sunshine and roses responses instead of personal experience/opinion? So more people have been unsuccessful/unhappy in compromising a part of their sexuality... that doesn't guarantee you will [or have to] be.

True. I never thought of not really liking the fantasy scenarios I think about. Just my own selfish desires with little regard to what the person in my life might need. I should be more considerate.

Of course I want sunshine and roses responses...ideally. But I want to hear the truth as well. Then I
can choose whether or not to bury my head in the sand, for a while at least.

 

[FurryFury]

Hmmm... an excellent point.

I guess it is the second one, but I am okay with it.

Make any sense?

Yes that makes sense to me. Thanks for your answer.

 

[Keroin]

It seems to me that another issue here is priorities. What is most important to you?

For me, kink ranks below other things. I could much more easily be with a man who was not into my kink at all but shared some of my other passions than with a man who wanted 2.5 kids, a house in the suburbs and two weeks vacation per year but was willing to beat my ass whenever I wanted it.

 

[ecstaticsub]

It seems to me that another issue here is priorities. What is most important to you?

For me, kink ranks below other things. I could much more easily be with a man who was not into my kink at all but shared some of my other passions than with a man who wanted 2.5 kids, a house in the suburbs and two weeks vacation per year but was willing to beat my ass whenever I wanted it.

This is so true. I've been asked more than a few times why I stay married to my vanilla husband when I am also in love with my PYL who fulfills my every kinky fantasy. In my case, I rank my high school sweet heart, father of my two kids (we don't have the other 0.5 children ,) house in the semi-suburbs, vanilla life as more important than kink. My PYL feels the same way about his vanilla life.

 

[bruisedangel]

I'm inclined to agree with Keroin and ecstaticsub. (I don't know how to quote more than one thread reply at a time. Very computer illiterate!) Anyhow, you need to decide which aspects of both him, and your kink inclination, are important to you. Can you live with someone, knowing that certain parts of your desires aren't going to be fulfilled? Or, is it going to be something you're going to wind up resenting a few years down the line? It's a difficult decision, one that you shouldn't weigh lightly. Being left bereft of anything can breed resentment, and the longer you take to speak up about things that are important, the harder the topic will be to face. And the more anger and tears that there are to be had.

 

[Keroin]

(I don't know how to quote more than one thread reply at a time. Very computer illiterate!)

If you look to the right of the "quote" button, you'll see a smaller button with quotation marks. Just click on that on the posts you want to quote, (it will turn red to indicate you've clicked), and when you've selected all the ones you want then just hit "Post Reply", on the left, and they'll pop up on your screen.

(Took me awhile to figure that one out, too, so no worries).

 

[BiBunny]

I've tried. It didn't work out so well. Some people can be happy with a suburban vanilla life, but I can't. It's too bad, though, because it'd be so much easier if I could.