Conversation question

[Annisthyrienne]

Okay, so I was in my shower this morning, having some 'personal time', when the notion struck me to ask a hypothetical question of the Litsters.

This question is for those who have a distinctive preference in gender of your partners. So that means those of you who consider yourself straight, or gay, but not bisexual.

Let's say that a situation arose where a member of the gender you do NOT prefer, but who is still a reasonable attractive person (Not a troll) wanted to perform a sex act on you, though not intercourse. So meaning they wanted to give you oral sex, or masturbation, etc. It's nothing really weird or kinky, they are just into you, and want to make you feel good. You are in no way expected to reciprocate.

So as an example, if you are a straight guy or a gay woman, a guy wants to give you oral sex, or a hand job. Or if you are a straight woman or gay guy, a woman wants to give you oral sex or masturbation with her hand. The question is, if it's just for your pleasure and no strings attached, would you let them do it?

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

I can speak from personal experience on this one as I've known several gay men and been friends with them. I've had an occasion or two where they have taken things farther than just a friendship.

The first situation the guy was drunk, caught me totally off guard and then ran off giggling like a dork afterward. I just laughed it off.

The second time it made me extremely uncomfortable and I almost kicked said individual out of his own car. (I am the permi-DD anywhere I go because I don't drink)

For me it has nothing to do with strings or reciprocation it is simply something I have no desire to try, and I wouldn't derive any pleasure from it.

So I can say from personal experience that no, I would not.

 

[Miss_Vivi]

I think this question has two facets. IRL and here.

It's probable that most people perform the same or close to the same as they would perform IRL. As in you're straight there, you'd be straight here. I find this distinction limiting as a writer, because while we play often in our imaginations, being a writer gives you opportunity to stretch those boundaries or assumptions which can, in many ways define us as person in the real world.

It was in first understanding this limitation here that I began to explore my own ideas around my own sexuality. In other words, I met a girl who pushed those boundaries. You'll only need one guess as to who she might be. When I discovered that I wanted and needed that experience with another woman, both here in IRL, I began to explore that further.

Now the answer is completely different, men have their place in my life as do women, and I'm beginning to understand that bisexual is even limiting in it's scope as a defining term, pansexual is becoming more appropriate as I discover that even those who fuck with normal gender binaries are fricken hot.

Maybe I'm the wrong person to answer this question, because I can no longer claim het privilege (or even monogamous privilege anymore).


And yes, if you are wondering what I mean when I say heterosexual or monogamous privilege, I will explain. Don't get upset, it's not a totally negative thing.

 

[BeautifulDream]

I think it goes into the fact that you know it's not the gender you're sexually attracted to. You know it's a guy doing it instead of a girl or vice versa so your mind would be trapped on the thoughts of "does this make me gay?" and you wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

Like Vivi, probably not the right person to answer as I enjoy the company of both men and women.

 

[Niriate]

My partner and I have always been fairly casual and jokingly about it. He knew I was bi-sexual almost before I did, and he's been a-okay with it ever since we first met eachother.

When/If we have the time to go out for a drink, we joke to eachother about if we would give the other permission to 'fool around' with randoms we meet. It's all in good fun.


So yea.. I'm also not the best person to ask. Just wanted to share my solution.

PS: And no, I'm never worried about him cheating on me, nor is he worried about the reverse. We've been friends for more then 10 years, and he's been my mate for nearly 8. We may not be officially married, but we've sworn multiple times we'd never leave eachother.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

No and the reason why simply is women just don't do anything for me sexually. I can say that with the certainty of knowing so. I've had a few women approach me in reality and I felt nothing other than amused. I admire beauty and I'll show it or say so, but I'm also very clear I have no sexual interest.

I have struggled, as a writer over this but for me, I have to write, not necessarily in my comfort zone, but what interests me or I have a curiosity for. I can stretch my boundaries in so many ways without dipping into the same gender pool. In fact, I know I couldn't do a story with the same genders any justice. I wrote as a partner for one once and while everyone said it was really good, I felt I wrote without passion and to me, that's what's important, to write and live life with passion.

 

[Nyte_mare]

No and the reason why simply is women just don't do anything for me sexually. I can say that with the certainty of knowing so. I've had a few women approach me in reality and I felt nothing other than amused. I admire beauty and I'll only show it or say so, but I'm also very clear I have no sexual interest.

I have struggled, as a writer over this but for me, I have to write, not necessarily in my comfort zone, but what interests me or I have a curiosity for. I can stretch my boundaries in so many ways without dipping into the same gender pool. In fact, I know I couldn't do a story with the same genders any justice. I wrote as a partner for one once and while everyone said it was really good, I felt I wrote without passion and to me, that's what's important, to write and live life with passion.

I know I should put it in my own words, but DW said exactly what I would say and what I feel ... (I think we were twins in another life).... So I am going with..."what she said"...

I will add that I would and have written female on female sex scenes in stories, but it was part of the storyline, not the main focal point, and did not go on for ever and ever... but like DW said, I get nothing out of writing it, other than knowing it furthers the story....

 

[SiaKlynn]

My attraction to women doesn't go beyond admiration in the real world though I do on occasion flirt here I don't cross over the line of a kiss or casual caress. I've not had not a strong desire to move beyond those boundaries other than perhaps story writing. I'm very comfortable around my real life female friends and we all are openly affectionate, but it's all sisterly love.

If a woman came into my life and approached me in this way I don't feel I'd share that experience because I've not found myself sexually attracted to a woman.

 

[VampiricTouch]

I've always had a hard time accepting pleasure and I don't think it has anything to do with the gender. But having never tried, I don't know.

I think my answer is - Maybe, if the circumstances were right. I'm curious about women. Once I get over the envy of "god damn she's hot" - if I get over it (I have an issue with that too). Honestly, I don't even know what the "right" circumstances are. I just know I'm not dead against it. I'm curious. But a lot of things in life keep me from letting curiosity get the better of me.

 

[Miss_Vivi]

I'm curious. But a lot of things in life keep me from letting curiosity get the better of me.

I really want you to expand on this, but I realize that might come with a certain degree of vulnerability. But I'm intrigued, really intrigued.

Your words resonate for me because before I ever accepted the idea that I might even be bisexual, I let a lot of things stop me, most of the time it was myself and my perceived straightness. I'm not saying that's how it is for you, but for me.

I'm just intrigued by what you said.

 

[Scuttle Buttin']

Ironically, this past weekend I had a guy try to get a little.. friendly.. with me. It was in a bar, so it's not as if it was on the street, and he was pretty clearly drunk and just looking to be all up on someone, and I guess I looked all up onable.

Anyway, it's not the first time it's been tried, given the group of friends I have and where we go I'm sure it won't be the last, and usually a polite "No, thanks" ends it.

I have great friends that are gay, great friends that are lesbian, but for me it's just never been a thing. I think I see it much as any other sexual like/dislike... I don't, for example, understand why people are aroused by vore. But, people are, and as long as they're not hurting anyone, then to each their own.

And while I'm not saying that a kink and an orientation are the same, I think there are some psychological and chemical differences in them in the level of the brain, for the sake of simplicity and just because that's how I've found works best, that's how I approach them.

Anyway, all this rambling is to say that while I will fight continuously for their rights (including to party), it's just not my own orientation.

 

[VampiricTouch]

I really want you to expand on this, but I realize that might come with a certain degree of vulnerability. But I'm intrigued, really intrigued.

Your words resonate for me because before I ever accepted the idea that I might even be bisexual, I let a lot of things stop me, most of the time it was myself and my perceived straightness. I'm not saying that's how it is for you, but for me.

I'm just intrigued by what you said.

I'll try. I'm not sure I'll make any sense.

One of the biggest things, is my other half. I don't think he'd like it. He's a bit straight laced like that.

I'm curious about women, but I don't think I'd ever approach someone. (approaching people in general is just not me. Doesn't matter if the target is male or female) On the flip side, if approached, I'm not sure I'd accept. Back to what was mentioned before. I have a hard time accepting pleasure. Even from my other half, let alone from a stranger.

When with other women, there's a certain amount of... envy. Almost bitterness. That comes with being around them. Where I feel the need to be strong. Be better. I check out girls a lot. I'm not sure if that's normal or not, and I don't particularly care. It doesn't help at all when a woman is attractive. It's a strange thing. To want to touch, but at the same time to so detest someone so beautiful because they are beautiful. Whether it be their mind or their body or both.

I think I stopped making sense. I will stop now. -shuts up-

 

[Miss_Vivi]

Please take my comments, vagabond though they may be, with a grain of salt, also please know that I have always thought you make great sense.

I'll try. I'm not sure I'll make any sense.

One of the biggest things, is my other half. I don't think he'd like it. He's a bit straight laced like that.

But this isn't about him. This is about you.

I'm curious about women, but I don't think I'd ever approach someone. (approaching people in general is just not me. Doesn't matter if the target is male or female) On the flip side, if approached, I'm not sure I'd accept. Back to what was mentioned before. I have a hard time accepting pleasure. Even from my other half, let alone from a stranger.

Not saying that this is wrong, cause it isn't. What is important to remember that how women interact together when it comes to sex is not at all like men and women do.

The first time I was with my gf, I remember thinking, okay, I have all of the same parts but how does it all work? Then I got annoyed because Cosmo never prepared me to be with a woman.

When with other women, there's a certain amount of... envy. Almost bitterness. That comes with being around them. Where I feel the need to be strong. Be better. I check out girls a lot. I'm not sure if that's normal or not, and I don't particularly care. It doesn't help at all when a woman is attractive. It's a strange thing. To want to touch, but at the same time to so detest someone so beautiful because they are beautiful. Whether it be their mind or their body or both

.

I absolutely completely understand. I think we are taught that we have to revere and hate those women who are beautiful, to want to be them, but also to tear them down.

I think I stopped making sense. I will stop now. -shuts up-

Please don't. You're making total sense.

 

[VampiricTouch]

Please take my comments, vagabond though they may be, with a grain of salt, also please know that I have always thought you make great sense.



But this isn't about him. This is about you.



Not saying that this is wrong, cause it isn't. What is important to remember that how women interact together when it comes to sex is not at all like men and women do.

The first time I was with my gf, I remember thinking, okay, I have all of the same parts but how does it all work? Then I got annoyed because Cosmo never prepared me to be with a woman.

.

I absolutely completely understand. I think we are taught that we have to revere and hate those women who are beautiful, to want to be them, but also to tear them down.



Please don't. You're making total sense.

Thanks. You made me smile.

Point 1. I do care about him enough to respect that point though, because I think "us" is important, more so than "me".

Point 2. You also made a point I forgot to mention. I already don't know how to "properly" play with me. Now I gotta figure out how to play with someone else that has the same stuff as mine that I already don't know how to work with? I would be so out of my league. I had omitted this one because the premise of this conversation started as a one sided, she offered, no strings attached scenario.

I never read/saw Cosmo.

I try very hard to be reasonable. I know I have my moments where I'm not. I also know there are people who bring out the unreasonable side in me. I'm glad you think I make sense. I try to.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Peeks inside the thread

I had planned to NOT participate in this conversation...simply because I am still very much a queer female who just happens to be dealing with a man, right now. Then I thought about the way my life has gone and figured that I did have something to add.

I have a preference~a strong preference~ for women. And when I am dealing with a woman, then the idea of a man touching me...makes me want to hurl. The answer to your question then becomes an unequivocal NO...resounding even. As I can not look upon a man in a sexual way when I am dealing with a woman that I care for.

Not only would it feel like I just punched my girl in the face with disrespectful actions, even if I didn't return the favor, but I wouldn't be able to even allow it for longer than a few seconds before I began to feel...ILL. (And yes, I have had this particular thing proven to me.)

Conversely~if I were dealing with a man~(like I am sort of doing right now) I would not be able to allow a woman to do for me. It would feel disrespectful to HER (not him) and would make me feel...utterly shitty. If i were to do for her...that would be fine. (Oh yeah, more than fine~as i don't rightly care what my b/f, s/o, old man...whatever the fuck you would want to call it would think about it...)

So if I were dealing with a female? Hell NO...*shudders*
And if I were dealing with a male? Yes, as long as she didn't touch me.

And that is so very fucking odd that i can not even begin to explain why that is so.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

'Ill'. Thats the word for it. It would feel so profoundly wrong to me (for reasons different than your own, perhaps) that I would feel ill. Not repulsed, just profoundly wrong.

But for me it would be a sense of repulsion.

Like utter disgust and nausea.

I have tried to figure it out...the way that my mind operates...and I can not.

My ex says it's because I am not bi/tri/pan...

maybe slightly homoflexible~ if you will.

Because it's definite no if I am with a woman...and an...okay as long as she doesn't touch ME (because it would feel like I was...making her straighter by proxy maybe??) if I am with a guy...

*shrugs*

 

[Light Ice]

This hypothetical tends to be posed as a survey from my understanding. There's, obviously, a huge potential for it to turn into a debate on merit at some point. That said, personally, I went through a phase where I openly considered this kind of question. Most men, from what I've read dishonestly, will say they've never questioned their own sexuality.

I have.

I'm an extremely sexual person and there was a period in my life where I openly admired certain expressions of the male form. That's confusing when you're young and you're still getting a grip on your own sexuality. It becomes a question of "Hey, that man's body looks amazing!" and a sudden panic reaction of "Wait, because I recognize he's attractive - does that mean I'm attracted to him?!". In my own case, after debating it intermittently for the better part of a year, I figured out that I'm not sexually attracted to men.

I've never experienced any kind of sexual act with a man. I've had many close friendships with men, and continue to have those friendships, some of which are gay. In my curiosity, though, I never actually felt any inclination to attempt something. I never felt any part of me really push for an experience. I always, at the end, felt pretty comfortable with the fact that I wasn't turned on.

So, while I -did- go through that kind of stage in my life where I confused my overwhelming sexual urges and appreciation for healthy and powerful male forms as a possible attraction, it pretty quickly became clear to me that it just wasn't my thing.

In my experience, however, a lot of people don't allow themselves to experience that period of time in an honest and self-explorative fashion. There are a million different reasons. Some are deeply personal and others are culturally or socially imposed. Regardless, I always find these conversations fascinating because it goes a great length into describing how diverse the range of sexual identities can prove to be.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I totally get that.
I'm lucky in that I've never been in a situation where it was very likely to be an actual issue. To be sure, I've been propositioned, but its just so not-me that it didn't feel in any way real and totally didn't involve me.

Only a dead person would NOT proposition you.

Just my opinion, YMMV.

This hypothetical tends to be posed as a survey from my understanding. There's, obviously, a huge potential for it to turn into a debate on merit at some point. That said, personally, I went through a phase where I openly considered this kind of question. Most men, from what I've read dishonestly, will say they've never questioned their own sexuality.

I have.

I'm an extremely sexual person and there was a period in my life where I openly admired certain expressions of the male form. That's confusing when you're young and you're still getting a grip on your own sexuality. It becomes a question of "Hey, that man's body looks amazing!" and a sudden panic reaction of "Wait, because I recognize he's attractive - does that mean I'm attracted to him?!". In my own case, after debating it intermittently for the better part of a year, I figured out that I'm not sexually attracted to men.

I've never experienced any kind of sexual act with a man. I've had many close friendships with men, and continue to have those friendships, some of which are gay. In my curiosity, though, I never actually felt any inclination to attempt something. I never felt any part of me really push for an experience. I always, at the end, felt pretty comfortable with the fact that I wasn't turned on.

So, while I -did- go through that kind of stage in my life where I confused my overwhelming sexual urges and appreciation for healthy and powerful male forms as a possible attraction, it pretty quickly became clear to me that it just wasn't my thing.

In my experience, however, a lot of people don't allow themselves to experience that period of time in an honest and self-explorative fashion. There are a million different reasons. Some are deeply personal and others are culturally or socially imposed. Regardless, I always find these conversations fascinating because it goes a great length into describing how diverse the range of sexual identities can prove to be.

This is probably the best discourse I have ever read from a man's POV about sexual confusion.

 

[Scuttle Buttin']

I totally get that.
I'm lucky in that I've never been in a situation where it was very likely to be an actual issue. To be sure, I've been propositioned, but its just so not-me that it didn't feel in any way real and totally didn't involve me.

Which is amazing, since we all know homosexuality is a choice.

 

[Scuttle Buttin']

Oh, it definitely is!
I saw my choices: clumsy, oafish men or yummy, curvy, sensual women.
See? CHOICE!

Ah, yes...


And I still fondly remember the day I choose to be straight. Sitting there in class, looking from the girl on my right to the boy on my left, figuring out which one I wanted to be attracted to. It was a tough decision, but the ladies won out in the end.

Or, I suppose, lost out, depending on your perspective.

 

[Veroe]

Oh, it definitely is!
I saw my choices: clumsy, oafish men or yummy, curvy, sensual women.
See? CHOICE!

I wish I could defend my gender from that statement. I'd like to think there's at least one curvy and sensual guys that isn't oafish or clumsy out there, but on the whole the vast majority to fit that criteria would be female. Bummer.

To answer the topic. I think I could write a man on man scene if the plot of that thread required it, but I don't think there'd be any truth behind it. Just me trying my best to mark off boxes on the lovescene for man on man checklist with some style.

I doubt I'd derive the same sexual charge as when writing a hetero scene with a talented female co-writer from it though.

Now a different question of the same vein:

Would you be able to play the opposite gender with a co-writer of the same gender as you: Guy playing a girl with a cowriter who is a guy playing a guy or girl playing a guy with a cowriter who is a girl playing a girl, or would that just become too weird for you?

 

[Miss_Vivi]

Don't forget, you also chose to be cis-gendered.

I love you so damn much sometimes. Seriously. I was wondering when this might go this way, and then you did... and *happy sigh*

I wish I could defend my gender from that statement. I'd like to think there's at least one curvy and sensual guys that isn't oafish or clumsy out there, but on the whole the vast majority to fit that criteria would be female. Bummer.

To answer the topic. I think I could write a man on man scene if the plot of that thread required it, but I don't think there'd be any truth behind it. Just me trying my best to mark off boxes on the lovescene for man on man checklist with some style.

I doubt I'd derive the same sexual charge as when writing a hetero scene with a talented female co-writer from it though.

Now a different question of the same vein:

Would you be able to play the opposite gender with a co-writer of the same gender as you: Guy playing a girl with a cowriter who is a guy playing a guy or girl playing a guy with a cowriter who is a girl playing a girl, or would that just become too weird for you?

I've written a male before and I fricken loved it. He was everything I am except with more testosterone and a penis! I was fascinated with how he viewed his sexuality (pro-tip he was totally bi) and seriously... given that I'm a girl and all, I had such a hard time figuring the penis part.

10/10 would totally do again.

EDIT! And yes, I would write with someone who was playing with gender and sexuality, on either side of the coin or even a transgendered person. It's amazing to learn about how gender is constructed and how we use it everyday to inform others about who we are.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

Wow! I'm confused in my own thread. But reading all the responses was very interesting.

To be honest, I envisioned a simple scenario of someone you knew, perhaps as a casual friend or co-worker, and maybe both of you have had a few drinks. Your friend says,"Hey, have you ever wondered what it would be like to get a blow job/handjob, from another (same gender noun here)? I bet you'd like it if you just closed your eyes and concentrated on the sensations."

I didn't realize this could turn into such a deep and profound discussion of gender and identity.

I found it interesting that so many of you related this to the stories and fantasies you explore here on Lit through writing, as opposed to real life experience. Of course I did say it was hypothetical. So I guess that is like fantasy, right?

On that note, my own personal experience is that in real life, I've always thought of myself as straight, but I did have one same sex experience in college, rather similar to this hypothetical question as I framed it above. We'd both been to a party, and she had been drinking more than me. We started kissing, almost as a dare sort of thing, and that led to making out. And when I helped her back to her room (She was pretty tipsy by then.) she invited me in for more making out. One thing led to another and I went down on her (at her suggestion.) But when it was over, she apparently got cold feet about it all, and the next day she seemed pretty embarrassed about it. Eventually it was as if she couldn't face being around me since it reminded her of what happened.

I rather liked that one time, and although our friendship was ruined as a result of that awkwardness between us afterwards, I've always fantasized about being with another woman since then. So when I came here to Lit, that is the sexual fantasy I wanted to explore. I don't know if this makes me bi, or bi-curious, or gay, or what. Maybe it doesn't make me anything but what I already am. I certainly don't dislike men just because I like women too.

Anyhow, I think if I was approached by another woman like I described above, I'd certainly let her try to convince me. But then again, I'm not in a relationship and have no partner I'd feel I was being unfaithful to. My reticence would be more because of my insecurity about my own body issues than a reluctance to be with the same gender.

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

Ya know I see a lot even here where people look at labels and focus on them a good deal. I have friends on both ends of the spectrum and I guess the only time I really contemplate their sexual choices is when it is necicary for a flow of conversation or in those unpleasant circumstances something is forced upon you that you do not want.

I used to have some female friends who were in a relationship together and I'd sit with them on the couch every so often watching TV or a movie or something. One of them I was extremely attracted to, the other not really so much but they were both my good friends. Labels or lack thereof just never really came into my head. They rarely do other than to express them with need to describe a situation quickly.

I think people focus a little too much on something that really isn't anyone's business but your own.

If I happen to find a guy who I am attracted to I'd like to think I'd explore that situation if conditions were right. That situation just simply hasn't happened yet and I really like women. I have more female friends than men also. The male gender just repulses me generally, for many reasons. Many predisposed behaviors that I just find unpleasant.

 

[raiguy]

I actually got hit on at a club I went to last year. It was a regular dance club, and I was with some friends. A man who was very well groomed and all my female friends said looked very good asked me to dance, and maybe have a drink. I politely declined and he smiled before telling said female friends to treat me correctly that night. It was interesting to say the least, but I think Firmhaned_Daddy summed it up for me with his first post as well.