Contingency plans: Does anyone else do this?

[FurryFury]

If my husband is late coming home my brain immediately decides he is gone for whatever reason, death, lost interest and so on.

I start making contingency plans in my mind. How to handle the money. How to arrange our lives. Who to fuck? Anyone else do this?

It's me, not him, I know that. I used to do this with my ex, my parents and even my kids when they were late.

It makes me feel guilty.

Fury

I'm always glad to see him walk through that door though! *grins*

 

[Netzach]

Oh I do this all the time, and getting sick made it worse. I'm often making little mental flow charts in regard to illness and surgery for when I get worse, and really there's no way to know how or if or when I will get worse (or better) so it's pretty stupid.

But that's what a sense of control is all about, no?

 

[FurryFury]

Oh I do this all the time, and getting sick made it worse. I'm often making little mental flow charts in regard to illness and surgery for when I get worse, and really there's no way to know how or if or when I will get worse (or better) so it's pretty stupid.

But that's what a sense of control is all about, no?

Hi Netzach!

I am contemplating your words here. You have a way of making me thing deeper did you know that?

Control. Good point I hadn't thought of it that way. I had a little health scare this year and come to think of it, I arranged my loved one's lives without me in my head then too. It was a great relief to me that I could envision them doing okay without me!

I don't usually want control. I see it as an illusion really, in most parts of life anyway, but perhaps this is one way I do seek it. I feel I've been left a lot. I wonder if it's not also a simple survival type of mind set?

Fury

 

[His_pita]

I do this too and always have. I have imagined everyone I have ever loved dying and tried to think how I would handle it. I don't see it as morbid since I don't dwell on it, but death and sickness is a part of life and to not imagine it is to not acknowledge how fragile we all are. It makes me hold on to those I love a littel closer.

 

[FurryFury]

I do this too and always have. I have imagined everyone I have ever loved dying and tried to think how I would handle it. I don't see it as morbid since I don't dwell on it, but death and sickness is a part of life and to not imagine it is to not acknowledge how fragile we all are. It makes me hold on to those I love a littel closer.

Good to know! I'm not the only one who does this! Yay!

Fury

 

[Jay Davis]

I'm 40, and my mother--who lives 2500 miles away--still does it. If she calls my cell and doesn't get an answer, she goes nuts, certain that I'm lying bleeding in a ditch somewhere.

Not hard to figure out how I wound up a sub, is it? <shrug>

 

[FurryFury]

I'm 40, and my mother--who lives 2500 miles away--still does it. If she calls my cell and doesn't get an answer, she goes nuts, certain that I'm lying bleeding in a ditch somewhere.

Not hard to figure out how I wound up a sub, is it? <shrug>

Well now that is a bit different thing there. I don't tell them I'm thinking these things. I don't drive them nuts with this.

Sorry you have to deal with that!

I know what that is like too, with my Grandmother.

Fury

 

[Netzach]

Hi Netzach!

I am contemplating your words here. You have a way of making me thing deeper did you know that?

Control. Good point I hadn't thought of it that way. I had a little health scare this year and come to think of it, I arranged my loved one's lives without me in my head then too. It was a great relief to me that I could envision them doing okay without me!

I don't usually want control. I see it as an illusion really, in most parts of life anyway, but perhaps this is one way I do seek it. I feel I've been left a lot. I wonder if it's not also a simple survival type of mind set?

Fury

I totally think control is an illusion and we are kidding ourselves. That doesn't stop me from wanting to feel like I have it, much to the delight of those I love. It's weird for me to talk about control as so utterly necessary and encompassing and important in one moment, and then in the next admit that there're really no such thing, but I think that's an important dichotomy to deal with.

I think that wanting to feel in control on that basic survival level is not really an "I want control" thing so much as a human thing. We all want to feel like we know how things might pan out, we all want our families to be ok even if something bad happens to us, we all want to be able to make plans and for them to go...as planned. But what's scary and what we run from, and what we need to learn to be ok with is that we don't really get to pick. And things will be how they will be. And that in itself is ok.

Jay, I think you may be related to me and not know it. That's the way my family operates, and frankly I think it drove me to Domme-hood.

 

[FurryFury]

I totally think control is an illusion and we are kidding ourselves. That doesn't stop me from wanting to feel like I have it, much to the delight of those I love. It's weird for me to talk about control as so utterly necessary and encompassing and important in one moment, and then in the next admit that there're really no such thing, but I think that's an important dichotomy to deal with.

I think that wanting to feel in control on that basic survival level is not really an "I want control" thing so much as a human thing. We all want to feel like we know how things might pan out, we all want our families to be ok even if something bad happens to us, we all want to be able to make plans and for them to go...as planned. But what's scary and what we run from, and what we need to learn to be ok with is that we don't really get to pick. And things will be how they will be. And that in itself is ok.

Jay, I think you may be related to me and not know it. That's the way my family operates, and frankly I think it drove me to Domme-hood.

I agree with you Netzach!

LOL! I really do.

I remember when my Dad was sick. He had his car worked on. So I drove him to the place to pick it up. He took a different route home. I was seized with a sudden terror that he was going to go kill himself. This was near the end. He was in a lot of pain. I had seen him once threaten to kill himself with a gun, when I was younger. That day he came home. Not long after he left me for good and I don't know if he even was aware he was leaving but I felt abandoned again. Damned inconsiderate of him to die like that.

Fury

 

[Jay Davis]

Fury--wow, I have no idea what to say to that, except I'm sorry. I've still got both parents as well as both my grandparents on my mother's side. My dad's folks lasted well into their 80s, and long enough that they were both pretty much ready to go when their age finally caught up to them. I can't begin to imagine how I'll feel when I lose my parents, especially if it's any time soon.

Netzach--I'm not surprised to hear you say that. I really do think it's our relationships with our parents, and our childhood perception of their relationships with one another, that set our adult sexuality.

Word of advice to Dommes with romantic designs on some hapless male sub--chances are, he's got an over-involved mother in his background, and if you try to make him choose too early, you're probably going to lose. Be patient, and wean them from one another gently. Also, it couldn't hurt to give your sub's mom a puppy or something, to distract her, too!

 

[catalina_francisco]

I don't tend to do this type thing anymore. I am not sure I ever got to the stage of imagining the one who was overdue had died etc., though I did at times worry my alcoholic ex had been in yet another accident and was maybe in hospital...then I would find somthing to do until he came home or I got a phone call. That was 20+ years ago.....since then I have shown myself and others that ultimately I am a survivor and will get through almost anything, difficult as it may be at the time. My mother says I just go into calm and responsible overload and become the one others draw strength from. Partly it may also be to do with my philosophy on life and death as well. Sure learnt last year that one can never predict or prepare for what will happen next when I sat waiting for and expecting a call to say my mother had died, only to get a call to say my father had suicided and my mother's recovery from surgery was going better than anyone had expected.

Catalina

 

[landcruisergal]

I used to do it all the time..An alcoholic mother and then my ex. Because I used to have to anticipate every possible scenario and outcome.
Had to have a plan up my sleeve, or my speech prepared.
But I have survived without family, despite undependable partners and have become rather selfish besides.
Always seem to be the one who can hold it together under duress.The calm one.The only indication I show of stress is that I tend to swear a lot.

Now I restrict it to looking at my dogs and thinking the occassional guilty "another 5 years and I'll be able to live and go where ever I like" but that's just because I am suffering itchy feet.

 

[catalina_francisco]

http://www.estudiodesigns.com/emotes/happy/woohoo.gif LOL, maybe there is something more than myth to the Aussie survival spirit.

Catalinahttp://www.estudiodesigns.com/emotes/shocked/thud.gif

 

[jasonlf]

Also, it couldn't hurt to give your sub's mom a puppy or something, to distract her, too!

DON'T YOU DARE WHIP MY SO.... oh, it's a puppy, hiyacutielittlepuppy-wuppy....

Oh, I forgot what I was saying. You have a good time!

 

[FurryFury]

Fury--wow, I have no idea what to say to that, except I'm sorry. I've still got both parents as well as both my grandparents on my mother's side. My dad's folks lasted well into their 80s, and long enough that they were both pretty much ready to go when their age finally caught up to them. I can't begin to imagine how I'll feel when I lose my parents, especially if it's any time soon.

Netzach--I'm not surprised to hear you say that. I really do think it's our relationships with our parents, and our childhood perception of their relationships with one another, that set our adult sexuality.

Word of advice to Dommes with romantic designs on some hapless male sub--chances are, he's got an over-involved mother in his background, and if you try to make him choose too early, you're probably going to lose. Be patient, and wean them from one another gently. Also, it couldn't hurt to give your sub's mom a puppy or something, to distract her, too!

Jay, it's okay!

I miss him still of course but it was the hardest thing I've ever been through! Much harder than being walked out on after getting pregnant in the tenth year of marriage because he wanted, finally to have a child. That was nothing compared to losing my father who at one time I thought would kill me he flew into rages so often. Later he ignored me and considered me merely and adjunt part of my Mother or property of them both. However by the time he died, he was my best friend, business partner and a true father to me because he recognized what he didn't like about himself and changed! A rare thing imo. Now what really sucked is that when he died, my Mom went literally nuts and wanted to die. He was 52, she was 47 and this was a long time ago, over 14 years. I'm a survivor of one of my worst fears the effective loss of both parents. My Mom is still alive but she isn't really my Mom anymore, then again I usually felt like I was the adult around my parents growing up anyway.

Anyway, it's all good now. Honestly my ex wouldn't have left me and I'm glad he did if my Dad were alive. Cause Dad would have killed the SOB!

Fury

I don't tend to do this type thing anymore. I am not sure I ever got to the stage of imagining the one who was overdue had died etc., though I did at times worry my alcoholic ex had been in yet another accident and was maybe in hospital...then I would find somthing to do until he came home or I got a phone call. That was 20+ years ago.....since then I have shown myself and others that ultimately I am a survivor and will get through almost anything, difficult as it may be at the time. My mother says I just go into calm and responsible overload and become the one others draw strength from. Partly it may also be to do with my philosophy on life and death as well. Sure learnt last year that one can never predict or prepare for what will happen next when I sat waiting for and expecting a call to say my mother had died, only to get a call to say my father had suicided and my mother's recovery from surgery was going better than anyone had expected.

Catalina

Hi Catalina.

Yeah I go dead calm and do the right things in true emergency's though later I may not remember doing it.

In my new family, the one I made we are all responsible calm people in emergencies. My daughter has the biggest problem due to trauma inflected by my ex. She sometimes freezes.

I don't feel anything until it's over. I freeze inside. Outside I get done whatever is needed.

Another strange thing I do if someone is manically happy or sad? I become the opposite in a weird attempt to balance them!

I am so sorry about your father. It's always what you don't imagine that happens.

*hugs*

Fury

I used to do it all the time..An alcoholic mother and then my ex. Because I used to have to anticipate every possible scenario and outcome.
Had to have a plan up my sleeve, or my speech prepared.
But I have survived without family, despite undependable partners and have become rather selfish besides.
Always seem to be the one who can hold it together under duress.The calm one.The only indication I show of stress is that I tend to swear a lot.

Now I restrict it to looking at my dogs and thinking the occassional guilty "another 5 years and I'll be able to live and go where ever I like" but that's just because I am suffering itchy feet.

I totally understand what you are saying about this Landcruisergal! I think about my poor cats and how long they will live. Each loss hurts more somehow.

I also understand about needed to anticipate every possible scenario so you can have the illusion of being prepared! That is one reason why I try to shut the brain down sometimes it's too damned busy!

Fury

DON'T YOU DARE WHIP MY SO.... oh, it's a puppy, hiyacutielittlepuppy-wuppy....

Oh, I forgot what I was saying. You have a good time!

LOL! Riiight! Jasonlf!

Fury

 

[le_kinklet]

When i was younger, i never even contemplated my parents dying, it was not an option, they are immortal and will be here till i die, well that is how i used to think, then 11 years ago i lost my only Nanna to Poliomystosis (ignore the spelling), that was a real slap back to reality. Then a year later i lost my Father to cancer, and i think i hit the skids cos it is such a painful time in my life i find it hard to look back with out falling into the pits of depression. In the time since i have lost some dear friends and today i bury my nephew, taken way too soon and at the age of 26 (suspected cancer also), and i have realised all the planning in the world is not gonna save my family any anguish.

So i used to have that planning panic going, but now i just thinks when a person's time comes, it happens, no warning, no time to think. I have more trouble with guilt that i am still alive and they are not.

Life sucks then you die, maybe i am just in a down mood!

Some one slap me if you thinks this is too deep!

 

[FurryFury]

When i was younger, i never even contemplated my parents dying, it was not an option, they are immortal and will be here till i die, well that is how i used to think, then 11 years ago i lost my only Nanna to Poliomystosis (ignore the spelling), that was a real slap back to reality. Then a year later i lost my Father to cancer, and i think i hit the skids cos it is such a painful time in my life i find it hard to look back with out falling into the pits of depression. In the time since i have lost some dear friends and today i bury my nephew, taken way too soon and at the age of 26 (suspected cancer also), and i have realised all the planning in the world is not gonna save my family any anguish.

So i used to have that planning panic going, but now i just thinks when a person's time comes, it happens, no warning, no time to think. I have more trouble with guilt that i am still alive and they are not.

Life sucks then you die, maybe i am just in a down mood!

Some one slap me if you thinks this is too deep!

Yeah sometimes life does suck and you do die but there are great moments too.

*hugs*

Hope things get better for you soon.

Fury

 

[graceanne]

I do that. I always figure out what I'm going to do if someone dies or leaves me. When K and I were having problems, I even figure out who would get what if we split up, and the schedule for when he'd have the kids and when I would.

I also plan for my death. I have a diary type thing that I write funny things the kids say and do in, so that if I die they'll have that. (K couldn't remember that kind of thing to save his life.) I have all my nice jewelry and heirlooms in a fireproof safe in my room and K knows who gets what. K even know what songs I want played at my funeral.

I guess it could be a control thing, for me it's a safety thing. BAd things happen, and if I'm mentally prepared I know that I'll survive them.

 

[landcruisergal]

http://www.estudiodesigns.com/emotes/happy/woohoo.gif LOL, maybe there is something more than myth to the Aussie survival spirit.

Catalinahttp://www.estudiodesigns.com/emotes/shocked/thud.gif

Do you remember those really sexy 'hard yakka' ads Catalina? Yum.

Yep, though I sometimes wish I could be softer, but I am quite empathic and cry at another's suffering easily.
But for myself...its more energising to get angry, even at my myself,and helps me achieve stuff.If I get down, I feel sedated and I simply cant afford to let that happen.
I guess losing both parents at a young age, then diving into a co dependant marriage made me this way. I have seen too many people become 'acopic' after losing loved ones and it never going to be me.


And my dogs are my only real constants but I accept everything is subject to change and separation.I celebrate my life and consider those who come and go as a blessing or a lesson.

 

[FurryFury]

<snip> But for myself...its more energising to get angry, even at my myself,and helps me achieve stuff.If I get down, I feel sedated and I simply cant afford to let that happen.

I guess losing both parents at a young age, then diving into a co dependant marriage made me this way. I have seen too many people become 'acopic' after losing loved ones and it never going to be me.


And my dogs are my only real constants but I accept everything is subject to change and separation.I celebrate my life and consider those who come and go as a blessing or a lesson.

Hi Landcruisergal!

Considering those who come into your life as a blessing or a lesson is a great way of looking at things.

I understand about the anger at self very well. I didn't lose my parents at a young age but I was more the adult then they were. My first marriage was a terrible mess too.

Fury

 

[landcruisergal]

Hi Landcruisergal!

Considering those who come into your life as a blessing or a lesson is a great way of looking at things.

I understand about the anger at self very well. I didn't lose my parents at a young age but I was more the adult then they were. My first marriage was a terrible mess too.

Fury

Yes indeed,
The blessing/lesson code makes it easier to let go of things I dont have or need anymore. Trying to cling or struggle against the inevitable makes it harder.
The challenge now is to determine what I truly want to fight for, and if I win, will the consequences of victory be worth it?
My pride and fear of failure kept me too long in a marriage that was going down the drain. Stupid!Stupid! Stupid!

 

[raven2]

If my husband is late coming home my brain immediately decides he is gone for whatever reason, death, lost interest and so on.

I start making contingency plans in my mind. How to handle the money. How to arrange our lives. Who to fuck? Anyone else do this?

It's me, not him, I know that. I used to do this with my ex, my parents and even my kids when they were late.

It makes me feel guilty.

Fury

I'm always glad to see him walk through that door though! *grins*

I guess I do it to a degree, Although, since my wife is a Vet, she often has to stay late at the office due to an emergency. She would have to be really late for me to really start worrying. As for who to fuck, I am constantly thinking about that.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Do you remember those really sexy 'hard yakka' ads Catalina? Yum.

LOL, yes I do....though they do have the occasional ad here which is cheeky and imaginative, it is one thing I miss about Oz that until you mentioned this I didn't realise.

Yep, though I sometimes wish I could be softer, but I am quite empathic and cry at another's suffering easily.
But for myself...its more energising to get angry, even at my myself,and helps me achieve stuff.If I get down, I feel sedated and I simply cant afford to let that happen.
I guess losing both parents at a young age, then diving into a co dependant marriage made me this way. I have seen too many people become 'acopic' after losing loved ones and it never going to be me.


And my dogs are my only real constants but I accept everything is subject to change and separation.I celebrate my life and consider those who come and go as a blessing or a lesson.

We sound a lot alike in many ways.....I really hope we get to meet one day.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

Yes indeed,
The blessing/lesson code makes it easier to let go of things I dont have or need anymore. Trying to cling or struggle against the inevitable makes it harder.
The challenge now is to determine what I truly want to fight for, and if I win, will the consequences of victory be worth it?
My pride and fear of failure kept me too long in a marriage that was going down the drain. Stupid!Stupid! Stupid!

Hi Landruisergal!

Heh! I didn't leave either and I so should have! I don't know why. I was stupid, stubborn and naive to think eventually, he would mellow like my Dad. When you love someone you don't ever give up on them, I thought. After all my parents divorced then remarried. Everything I was raised to believe was that you can't truly sever that relationship. *shrugs* It's long over now though! Yay!

Fury

 

[landcruisergal]

We sound a lot alike in many ways.....I really hope we get to meet one day.

Catalina

I was only thinking the other night how I haven't been to a rodeo for so long.The eye candy is quite superb. Hoping to do the Gympie Muster next year.
( I bought a pair of Blundsone steelcaps this week!)[/QUOTE]