Constructive opinions please!

[Guest]

OK - this is the place where I'm supposed to be getting some real crit.

My stories all have H's, (except the new one, and the drug use might be bringing it down), but really - I suspect I have a small and generous group of fans who are very kind to me.

I would appreciate some constructive crit on any of my work, but for convenience's sake, here's a link to th first story in my novel, "Control".

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=285230

Thank you very much.

 

[snake307]

I've made it through the first two chapters.

I kind of like the idea of a girl who get's off on driving others wild. That is an interesting hook, and as I work through the chapters, I'm liking it so far. Will keep reading it, but so far, it's very good.

 

[tickledkitty]

Wow. I liked this for so many different reasons. Her revulsion and contempt for something that she obviously needs desperately was really clever. I liked her dispassionate disregard for the guy's feelings as well. Overall, it's a really good story, and I look forward to reading the next chapters.

There were a couple places where I became confused and had to read the paragraph twice to understand what you were trying to say.

Was it the power? She could walk into any bar she knew and within 10 minutes he would have anyone she wanted drooling to her smoky, come-fuck-me, come-hither gaze. Then behind her ears, and down her neck. In twenty they would be on their way to his place. She scoured her shoulders, under her arms, and her torso, cleaning off sweat and semen. In thirty she would be miles away, disconnected from the by-then faceless, graceless, mindlessly fucking animal that they became. The second sentence is where the confusion starts. I think there's a typo. Then the next sentence doesn't make sense to me at all. It's not even a complete sentence. Do you mean the guy is drooling behind her ears and down her neck? It's actually taken me 3 or 4 reads to get that. When you mention the numbers, I get that you're talking about minutes, but on the first read through I had to go back and figure it out. This may just be me. Also, you say "come-fuck-me, come-hither gaze." This seems redundant to me. I think "come-fuck-me gaze" would have served just as well.

Two of the following paragraphs end almost the same way. The spray beat against her abdomen, drumming heat, arousing her. Not like this one tonight, she thought. and Michele's legs spread, letting the water beat against her clit, arousing her. Though they're worded differently, they are basically saying the same thing. Maybe change the wording or get rid of one of those sentences entirely.

It made her use of them so much sweeter, when they imagined their reactions, realizing they had been given the wrong number, and that they would never see her again. This doesn't make sense to me. I'm thinking there's a typo, and your comma usage is a bit off. "It made her use of them so much sweeter, when she imagined their reactions, realizing they had been given the wrong number and would never see her again." I'd leave out "that they."

She slipped soap slick fingers between her legs and carefully washed each lip, rinsing, then farther inside as to wipe out as much as she could. This gave me the impression that the guy came inside her. I was surprised as I got to the end and found out he hadn't. Also, it should be soap-slick, which leads to my next point.

I noticed several punctuation errors, which were mostly comma usage. Some of them could have been replaced by a semi colon or even an em dash, although it's important not to overuse either of those. You don't mention if you used an editor at all. I think you could benefit from that. Find another author you trust who would be willing to help with that or use a volunteer editor.

Again, I thought this was a good story, and I enjoyed reading it. The difficulties are all technical and are really easy to fix.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Good story, BG. But you could have used a good punctuation edit. Some of the sentences are just wrong and others are just dreary the way they are done. You woul do a lot better with short, percise sentences. Yes, I know that Tolstoy wrote a single sentence that was exactly correct that went on for several pages, but you and I are not Tolstoy and we have a very different audiance with a short and directed attention span.

The story idea was great. The characterization - not bad, although you could have done with a lot more dialogue so the character could tell her own story.

But good, none the less.

 

[Guest]

Thank you very much Snake, kitty and Jenny!

You've given me much to think on. Yes, the puctuation does suck - I belive it's improved as I've continued to write, but still - there's always room for improvement.

And I do run-on. *grin*

Well - I've got a new piece pending that will be rejected for length (only 690 words - I didn't check that before submitting) - I will do a rewrite with all of your suggestions in mind.

New mantra: I am NOT Tolstoy!

Thank you again - your crit and praise are much appreciated.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I read the first? chapter, and felt no inclination to go any further.

Like Jenny said, this story could have used some dialog to bring some life into it.

Some of your paragraphs, like this one, are confusing.

She had seen him the moment she walked in to the hotel – he was alone, at the end of the bar. Strolling over, she had arranged herself artfully on the empty stool facing him. The pounding spray from the shower echoed the warmth that had flushed though Michele as his eyes scanned her - slowly, from her patent leather pumps, up her lightly muscled legs, stopping mid-torso, as they all did, staring at her plump, perky breasts. He had bought the drinks, he already had a room. Michele's legs spread, letting the water beat against her clit, arousing her.

It should look more like this.

She had seen him the moment she walked in to the hotel – he was alone, at the end of the bar. Strolling over, she had arranged herself artfully on the empty stool facing him.

Is she in the shower or the bar in this part? Im confused...

The pounding spray from the shower echoed the warmth that had flushed though Michele as his eyes scanned her - slowly, from her patent leather pumps, up her lightly muscled legs, stopping mid-torso, as they all did, staring at her plump, perky breasts. He had bought the drinks, he already had a room. Michele's legs spread, letting the water beat against her clit, arousing her.

Another one...

Inside the elevator, her excitement had grown as he ground against her, frantic in his eagerness. It was their desire she fed on, their need. Coolly she had stood there, allowing him to fondle her, but not responding, making him try harder. She knew what he wanted and he was going to get it, but it would be on her terms. Michele pulled up her legs, bending them, knees falling to the side of the tub, opening more of herself to the spray.

It should have read more like this.

Inside the elevator, her excitement had grown as he ground against her, frantic in his eagerness. It was their desire she fed on, their need. Coolly she had stood there, allowing him to fondle her, but not responding, making him try harder. She knew what he wanted and he was going to get it, but it would be on her terms.

Michele pulled up her legs, bending them, knees falling to the side of the tub, opening more of herself to the spray.

Good luck on your writing...

 

[Guest]

I read the first? chapter, and felt no inclination to go any further.

Like Jenny said, this story could have used some dialog to bring some life into it.

Some of your paragraphs, like this one, are confusing.

She had seen him the moment she walked in to the hotel – he was alone, at the end of the bar. Strolling over, she had arranged herself artfully on the empty stool facing him. The pounding spray from the shower echoed the warmth that had flushed though Michele as his eyes scanned her - slowly, from her patent leather pumps, up her lightly muscled legs, stopping mid-torso, as they all did, staring at her plump, perky breasts. He had bought the drinks, he already had a room. Michele's legs spread, letting the water beat against her clit, arousing her.

It should look more like this.

She had seen him the moment she walked in to the hotel – he was alone, at the end of the bar. Strolling over, she had arranged herself artfully on the empty stool facing him.

Is she in the shower or the bar in this part? Im confused...

The pounding spray from the shower echoed the warmth that had flushed though Michele as his eyes scanned her - slowly, from her patent leather pumps, up her lightly muscled legs, stopping mid-torso, as they all did, staring at her plump, perky breasts. He had bought the drinks, he already had a room. Michele's legs spread, letting the water beat against her clit, arousing her.

Another one...

Inside the elevator, her excitement had grown as he ground against her, frantic in his eagerness. It was their desire she fed on, their need. Coolly she had stood there, allowing him to fondle her, but not responding, making him try harder. She knew what he wanted and he was going to get it, but it would be on her terms. Michele pulled up her legs, bending them, knees falling to the side of the tub, opening more of herself to the spray.

It should have read more like this.

Inside the elevator, her excitement had grown as he ground against her, frantic in his eagerness. It was their desire she fed on, their need. Coolly she had stood there, allowing him to fondle her, but not responding, making him try harder. She knew what he wanted and he was going to get it, but it would be on her terms.

Michele pulled up her legs, bending them, knees falling to the side of the tub, opening more of herself to the spray.

Good luck on your writing...

Thank you very much Darkside - I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

 

[MarshAlien]

I liked the story, but it was confusing (which takes no skill at all). First of all, I would have liked to see the shower/thinking scene divided a little more, maybe by using different fonts, to wit:

Was it the power? She could walk into any bar she knew and within 10 minutes he would have anyone she wanted drooling to her smoky, come-fuck-me, come-hither gaze. Then behind her ears, and down her neck. In twenty they would be on their way to his place. She scoured her shoulders, under her arms, and her torso, cleaning off sweat and semen. In thirty she would be miles away, disconnected from the by-then faceless, graceless, mindlessly fucking animal that they became.

Lathering the cloth again, she took extra care in her erasure of all traces of the night's conquest, rubbing her mound systematically, across the top and down each side. She didn't care about them, they didn't care about her. She slipped soap slick fingers between her legs and carefully washed each lip, rinsing, then farther inside as to wipe out as much as she could.

Michele, finished with her cleansing, reached up, leaning against the shower wall, letting the hot spray wash over her. A search, she told herself – that was it. One day she would find the one that would touch her, make her feel, make her want, need the act that she now endured instead of enjoyed. She pressed the plug in the tub with her toe and adjusted the showerhead, lying down in the tub. The spray beat against her abdomen, drumming heat, arousing her. Not like this one tonight, she thought.​

I was confused by the shower itself. If she only gave the guy a blowjob, why does she have semen on her torso? Why does she needed to wash "inside to wipe out as much as she could?" Wipe out what?

And, as others have said, you do need to punctuate better. As odd as it seems, punctuation (and typos) are often the first things that drive people away from stories. Only by using conventions that we all understand can we communicate what we want to other people.

I wasn't quite as bothered by the lack of dialogue in this chapter. I think more would have been helpful, but I saw this as effectively establishing her own obsession and compulsiveness. If you do separate the thought parts from the shower parts, though (new paragraphs, even where the font changes), it will give your work a better visual appeal, looking less like a wall of words that some readers will find too daunting.

 

[Guest]

Confusing you takes no skill, Marsh? *grin*
Thanks much - yes, that first chapter has a lot going on and I need to do it over someday.

Sheesh - I thought my puctuation wasn't that bad..

Oh well - back to the drawing board. *grin* Really appreciated, everyone.

 

[Guest]

Confusing you takes no skill, Marsh? *grin*
Thanks much - yes, that first chapter has a lot going on and I need to do it over someday.

Sheesh - I thought my puctuation wasn't that bad..

Oh well - back to the drawing board. *grin* Really appreciated, everyone.

I read the first of it. What the rest said was true, I mean, I didn't get as confused as Marsh, but then again, he is a man. Different fonts would have made that easier to understand. The only other thing I could say would be not to put it in Novels/novellas. The reason I say that, you won't get the reads there that you would if you put it in say, erotic couplings. I think this would have gone over better in that cat than this one. Just something for you to think about.

 

[Guest]

I read the first of it. What the rest said was true, I mean, I didn't get as confused as Marsh, but then again, he is a man. Different fonts would have made that easier to understand. The only other thing I could say would be not to put it in Novels/novellas. The reason I say that, you won't get the reads there that you would if you put it in say, erotic couplings. I think this would have gone over better in that cat than this one. Just something for you to think about.

A different category? Intersting.

I'm not having a problem at all with number of reads - that particular story had 8 chapters ATM and each new chapter brings fresh readers. I do have one in "EC" and that one has the least reads of all. *shrugs*

It seems to me that my readers are quite generous in their ratings, which, as much as I appreciate them, is why I came here.

 

[Spinoza]

Hmm...read the story and like the idea but I find something missing. I cant quite put my finger on it. Somehow the story doesn't pull off the intensity its trying for. The first scene seems to make her a little to aggressive. She should be more about wrapping the guy completely around her finger than getting him off quick. No that I dont like the idea of her using sex to do it. Its just that it seems like the climax in that scene is a little rushed and then tension seems a little wrong.

Her conversion isnt totally believable either. Ill think about it and should have better feedback.