Constructive criticism requested for the introduction paragraphs of my first story

IronyMaster

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This story will be science fiction/fantasy, by the way.

Ardenvale College of Arts and Sciences, July 2010

The sun glared down upon the large number of students walking across the old concrete bridge, the main path between the dining hall and the classroom buildings. The sun's glare reflected off the windshields of the cars that zoomed between the two supporting pillars of the bridge, making those poor souls without sunglasses shield their eyes with their hands every few moments. Although a soothing breeze was currently blowing, it wasn't enough to offset the stifling heat.

Some students traveled in groups, rowdily talking about the latest gossip. Other students traveled as couples, giggling, whispering naughty secrets and holding hands. Still others walked alone, either out of choice or out of necessity. One young man sat on a bench, immersed in a book labeled: Quantum Chemistry – A Revolutionary Theory. A tree shaded his book from the sun's glare, the main reason that he had chosen this spot to read – that and the fact that he could be outdoors, which to him was more conducive to studying.

He glanced up from his book from time to time to observe the students traveling between classes. Most of them were pretty boring, as people in general were to him, so he would simply look down and continue reading.

A laugh drew his attention, and he glanced over in the sound's direction. A group of several girls strolled across the bridge towards him. Three of them were nothing special, he decided, normal boring college girls, loudmouthed and obnoxious – the confirmation of this another screeching laugh that tore across the space-time continuum in his direction. About to turn back to his book, he caught sight of the fourth girl, and raised an eyebrow. Here was something...different.

He wasn't sure what it was about her...her gorgeous blue eyes, the confident way in which she walked, her long, wavy brunette hair, even the way her two beautiful breasts would give a slight jiggle every few seconds...

Enough! He mentally chided himself, forcing his head back down to his book. People were boring. He had to remain objective; after all, he was a scientist! Of course, that didn't stop him from taking a second look as the quartet passed, noticing the way her tight pair of shorts rode up her firm yet feminine...Stop, dammit! He once again returned to his book.

A few minutes later, a yelling classmate roused him.

“Jeff, come on, you're gonna be late again!”

Class. Damn it, why do I have to take these 'college introductory classes'? I know I am better than this...

He stood up, stretching and yawning, as the classmate shook his head and started running for the main classroom building. Opening his eyes, Jeff stuffed his book into his backpack and casually walked towards the door himself.
 
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The Story Discussion or Story Feedback threads would be the most likely places to get this sort of feedback.

That said, it's literate. Maybe a bit too much so in the opening sentence. The "myriad" and "meandering" are rather over the top for an erotic story opening that then settles down into straightforward word usage.

The paragraphs should be separated by an extra line feed. Too much of a block the way they are now.

I paused on a girl being both hot and boring. And the reader pausing on minor points isn't a "good thing."

Someone taking Algebra 1 throws up a flag of being underage. This Web site doesn't publish underage.

Otherwise, it's OK as an opening--except the story hasn't really started yet. It needs to start pretty soon. Otherwise, as this opening discusses, it can be really boring and not get many readers who will read further into it. Hit the reader with something that grabs them and makes them want to continue to read (just like your protagonist wants one of the girls to grab him and make him want to pursue her).

("all right" is two words.)
 
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Start with "He sat on his favorite bench immersed in..." ("favorite" being an optional suggestion)

If he's just sitting on a bench, that tells us nothing. If it's his favorite bench under his favorite tree that tells us something. That he comes there often, that he likes shade and reading outside. That he likes secluded spots. We have to know something from that first sentence about his situation, like he's on the bench under the tree because it's too hot in the library. Or he's on the bench because his favorite spot elsewhere has been taken. Or he thought this part of the park secluded from students, but they've invaded. Or that this is his favorite spot.

Why are students in the park anyway? Field trip? Crossing to and from campus? You name him as being on a "park" bench so we assume this isn't on campus. Why is this park so filled with students?

If he's a "scientist" or even thinks of himself as one, he's waaaaaaaaaay past taking algebra 1. He's already jumped ahead to advanced calculus. And if he's immersed in his book, then let's make it a book you think he'd be immersed in. If you give him a science book of his speciality that is actually fascinating to him, then he's immersed in it and annoyed when sounds like girls giggling make him look up (to see if they're giggling at him). This also tells us what he's into, what kind of science.

If he's reading a math book, and he's not a mathematician, and is, in fact, annoyed that he has to be taking such a class, then he's not immersed. And his looking up from us tells us that he'd rather be doing something else than trying to read a math book.

But I think what you want is that he wants to immerse himself in his book, but can't stop looking up at this one girl. So you want, "He was seated on his favorite bench..." etc. "Trying to read...." but he couldn't stop glancing up to check out this one girl.

Something like that? :confused:

You want to get right into the character and right into the story.
 
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Updated intro

Moved story to top, and will update there, as making more than one page is probably too clunky for this purpose.
 
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Helping verbs are my obsession.

Walked is always better than 'was walking.' But be as concrete as possible; walked is too general. Find the exact word that applies to the action. Shuffled, limped, strutted, loped, whatever it is.
 
Thanks. I also know that I have a problem with using past rather then active, so I've gone through and changed those as well. Will start writing the rest of the intro, and then post for consideration as well.
 
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