Constructive criticism, please?

[MagicaPractica]

Hello. I would appreciate any constructive criticism anyone would be willing to give me on my stories so that I can improve. I realize it's a lot to ask but I'm really looking for someone who would be willing to look at at least 2 or hopefully 3 of them. That way you get an idea of how I write, not just one story.

Thank you.

 

[christabelll]

That was interesting.
No obvious errors
I would have like to have had woody and Swansong develop a bit more... especially describing sensations ...
but thats me... I like to describe sensations

Nice.
Thank you ...

 

[MagicaPractica]

That was interesting.
No obvious errors
I would have like to have had woody and Swansong develop a bit more... especially describing sensations ...
but thats me... I like to describe sensations

Nice.
Thank you ...

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I truly am taking notes.

 

[piltdownman]

I liked it... the only problem for me was where the majority of the story was related from Susan's point of view but a couple of times... you told us what Woody was thinking... it's a bit off putting sometimes when POV changes mid story... Susan can only really guess what he is thinking, the same with the caller at the door... instead of reading from Susan's angle we're suddenly told what the caller is thinking about her shoes... It's just a little niggle.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I just didn't find the story interesting. It's hard to call this a story. There was no plot, just one long sex scene. I felt the characters were flat, and uninteresting.

What's the point you are trying to make with the story? What was your goal when you set out to write this story?

 

[MarshAlien]

From a technical standpoint, I think you're doing a little too much "telling."

Though naturally dominant, Susan had grown up a trifle old-fashioned. She'd always let the man take control of love-making. There were few surprises in store for Woody tonight though.

The first two sentences in this paragraph didn't seem to add anything to the last sentence in the preceding paragraph, which suggested the same thing by indicating that she'd had to do some research. And if she's really that new at it, you can probably do a better job showing that by her actions.

In fact, the whole dominance bit here seemed a little stiff and not at all sexy. I haven't read any BDSM stories, but one of my favorite dominants was a character named Melinda in "Another Boring Day at Work" by ............. MagicaPractica! That story had just the right teasing note that it seems to me this one is lacking. I'm just not interested in Susan like I was in Melinda.

Finally, this paragraph really stood out:

"Unh," she grunted a little as she thrust in. She rubbed her hands on Woody's back and murmured soothingly as she felt him shake a little. She moved her hands down to his hips and grinned as she started to pull the cock back out just a little bit and slide it back in. She slowly pulled out a little farther and then slid back in.

Except for the first word, every sentence started with "she." I think that sort of repetition helped give me the feeling that the story was just a little too wooden.

 

[_Lynn_]

I just didn't find the story interesting. It's hard to call this a story. There was no plot, just one long sex scene. I felt the characters were flat, and uninteresting.

What's the point you are trying to make with the story? What was your goal when you set out to write this story?

From a technical standpoint, I think you're doing a little too much "telling."
Except for the first word, every sentence started with "she." I think that sort of repetition helped give me the feeling that the story was just a little too wooden.

I have to agree with the guys here.

It didn't have anything that felt like a plot, the characters never developed and I couldn't get into it.

Instead of the characters having their own voice to tell us the story, you told us, giving it a more boring feel.

My opinion only.
ML

 

[MagicaPractica]

I liked it... the only problem for me was where the majority of the story was related from Susan's point of view but a couple of times... you told us what Woody was thinking... it's a bit off putting sometimes when POV changes mid story... Susan can only really guess what he is thinking, the same with the caller at the door... instead of reading from Susan's angle we're suddenly told what the caller is thinking about her shoes... It's just a little niggle.

Thank you. That is something I try to avoid doing. It slipped past me.

 

[MagicaPractica]

I just didn't find the story interesting. It's hard to call this a story. There was no plot, just one long sex scene. I felt the characters were flat, and uninteresting.

What's the point you are trying to make with the story? What was your goal when you set out to write this story?

Well, I had agreed to write in this series and I was trying to write a story that explored a topic I found interesting, female to male strap-on sex. I did a lot of research on the topic because I have no personal knowledge of it. I think that caused me to focus on the mechanics instead of the characters. I'll try for more balance next time. Thank you for your feedback.

 

[MagicaPractica]

From a technical standpoint, I think you're doing a little too much "telling."



The first two sentences in this paragraph didn't seem to add anything to the last sentence in the preceding paragraph, which suggested the same thing by indicating that she'd had to do some research. And if she's really that new at it, you can probably do a better job showing that by her actions.

In fact, the whole dominance bit here seemed a little stiff and not at all sexy. I haven't read any BDSM stories, but one of my favorite dominants was a character named Melinda in "Another Boring Day at Work" by ............. MagicaPractica! That story had just the right teasing note that it seems to me this one is lacking. I'm just not interested in Susan like I was in Melinda.

Finally, this paragraph really stood out:



Except for the first word, every sentence started with "she." I think that sort of repetition helped give me the feeling that the story was just a little too wooden.

Thanks for taking the time to look at more than one story. I'm getting a good picture here of what didn't work in the story.

 

[MagicaPractica]

I have to agree with the guys here.

It didn't have anything that felt like a plot, the characters never developed and I couldn't get into it.

Instead of the characters having their own voice to tell us the story, you told us, giving it a more boring feel.

My opinion only.
ML

Thank you. I think I see where I got off the track by focusing too much on the mechanics of the action. I will definitely be working on plot and character development with the next peice.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Shit! God will strike me down for saying this, but I actually liked both your style and the bit of story.

This should be a chapter of a longer piece. We don't really get to know the slave, but that's not very important. But other questions do come to mind - How did this get started? Where did Swansong aquire the slave? What happens next?

Keep going on the, love... (dodging lightning bolts)... it is the start of a good story.

JJ

 

[MagicaPractica]

Shit! God will strike me down for saying this, but I actually liked both your style and the bit of story.

This should be a chapter of a longer piece. We don't really get to know the slave, but that's not very important. But other questions do come to mind - How did this get started? Where did Swansong aquire the slave? What happens next?

Keep going on the, love... (dodging lightning bolts)... it is the start of a good story.

JJ

Thanks Jenny. The backstory is actually chapter 2 of the Hollyquirk Series. This is an ongoing series started by Deathlynx. Susan and Woody met for the first time in chapter 2. I believe Susan is mentioned a couple times in chapters after that.

 

[slyc_willie]

Shit! God will strike me down for saying this, but I actually liked both your style and the bit of story.

This should be a chapter of a longer piece. We don't really get to know the slave, but that's not very important. But other questions do come to mind - How did this get started? Where did Swansong aquire the slave? What happens next?

Keep going on the, love... (dodging lightning bolts)... it is the start of a good story.

JJ

I would have to agree, for the most part. Many of the sentences seem pretty long, however. They could stand to be broken up into shorter ones, especially the opening line.

I do like the talking to the reader aspect, but more dialogue would have helped the story immensely. A few well-placed words within quotes can really drive a scene, and make the reader think they're hearing the character's voices.

 

[More_Than_Magic]

I would have to agree, for the most part. Many of the sentences seem pretty long, however. They could stand to be broken up into shorter ones, especially the opening line.

I do like the talking to the reader aspect, but more dialogue would have helped the story immensely. A few well-placed words within quotes can really drive a scene, and make the reader think they're hearing the character's voices.

Thank you. I think I tend towards more dialogue in most of my stories. I think this problem occurred because I was focusing on actions I wasn't familiar with. I'll keep that in mind in the next story.

 

[Guest]

i like it

While i agree with most of the feedback given, as soon as the characters went to do their thing, I was hooked.

The story grabbed my attention to the last word.

Good work!

Maharat

 

[MagicaPractica]

While i agree with most of the feedback given, as soon as the characters went to do their thing, I was hooked.

The story grabbed my attention to the last word.

Good work!

Maharat

Thank you for the positive feedback Maharat.

 

[jonstjohn]

Keep working, Magica

I didn't get a good feel for the time, place and extent of relationship in the story, but since it is a series, are those things are explained previously? I also became a bit confused with all the "stand up" "sit down" orders. This isn't always easy to do, but slow down the orgasm. Describe every spasm so the reader can cum, too.
Kisses,
Jon

 

[MagicaPractica]

I didn't get a good feel for the time, place and extent of relationship in the story, but since it is a series, are those things are explained previously? I also became a bit confused with all the "stand up" "sit down" orders. This isn't always easy to do, but slow down the orgasm. Describe every spasm so the reader can cum, too.
Kisses,
Jon

Thank you. Yes, as I said above, they meet in Hollyquirk Chapter 2.

 

[Varian P]

Hi there, MagicaPractica.

I had a look at "Controlling Cop." Generally, your prose is solid. Your descriptions of sense and action are pretty effective, and the sex works for me.

My main criticism of “Controlling Cop” is the scant character development. I don't know if the narrator and Jenny's dad have known each other since she was seven, or if this is the first night they've encountered each other. Context is everything, or nearly so, with sex. If he's just an older, dominant man she's only met once or twice, it's a very different thing from her being seduced by the man who used to drive her to school every morning all through junior high and high school.

A second problem: I'm having a tough time with some of the dialogue. Almost all we get is “naughty girl” from him, and “yes, sir,” from her.

I think you could deal with both of these problems by making the dialogue between these two characters more personal and specific to them. “You naughty girl,” and all her “yes sirs” could be any two people in an BDSM encounter. What's unique to this pair? If you use their dialogue to convey more about the characters and their relationship to the reader, the frisson of the sex will be much hotter.

A few minor quibbles with wording/phrasing:

As if to prove his point, his left hand pushed my thighs apart and his fingertips teased my young pussy through the crotch of my cotton panties.

That “young” modifying “pussy” is just so superfluous and porny, for me it dragged on the erotic momentum you had going.

He maneuvered us around so he could push me up onto the table.

"Lie back," he commanded.

"Yes, sir."

I lay back on the table as I felt him grasp my knees in his big paws and pull them wide apart.

Is it a coffee table? A dining table? A more concrete image will help me picture the scene.

"Naughty girls need a tongue lashing...Just like a sweet dessert.

If a guy said that to me while going down on me, I'd have a hard time not laughing. That first line is just a bit corny, and the second—dessert? Anything comparing the taste of pussy to fruits and pastries is just problematic.

All in all, I don't think there's anything wrong with the story that wouldn't be fixed by taking a bit more time with it—enjoy getting into the characters and what draws them to each other. What makes their dynamic sexy, beyond their fit as a top and a bottom.

Hopefully that's somewhat helpful.

-Varian