Constructive Criticism Please

[Ashleigh_C]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=314569

First section is kinda fractured, and the rest is pretty shallow, but I gotta start somewhere!

Thanks

 

[drksideofthemoon]

For your first story, it was pretty good.

Watch the spelling errors, and grammar errors. Some of your paragraphs were fairly long, and could have been chopped up.

Try to add some more dialog into the story to make it less of a narration.

Good luck with your writing.

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

Interesting

Interesting story, I think. You have some really nice descriptions. In particular, I like your central character. I have two basic things I look at when evaluating an erotic story: Does it arouse me? and Is it well-written/engaging/interesting?

Your story definitely aroused me. But, at times, it was a little un-engaging...maybe because the idea of sex in a frat house with multiple partners is a wee bit tired (predictable, I mean). However, don't get me wrong, I think it's a nice story with much to recommend it. Keep on writing, baby!

Monica

 

[_Lynn_]

For your first story, it was pretty good.

Watch the spelling errors, and grammar errors. Some of your paragraphs were fairly long, and could have been chopped up.

Try to add some more dialog into the story to make it less of a narration.

Good luck with your writing.

I agree with drk.
It's a start. Read from the Top Author's List. Writing classes. Volunteer Editors. Find ways to improve. Good luck.

Amy Clark had paused in front of the large hardwood door, contemplating her situation. The cool night breeze ruffled through twin hibiscus plants that were planted in urns that stood sentry on either side of the massive door. As the breeze wrapped itself sensually around her bare legs, and playfully tugged at the hem of her quintessential little black dress, Amy could smell the saccharin sweet aroma of the tropical plants. Soft light sifted through tiny crevices in the Venetian blinds that guarded the half dozen or so first floor windows from the gaze of curious passersby.

I thought this was a bit over-done for one paragraph. Some I high-lighted here as examples. Do they all have a purpose in the story, or are they just there?

My opinion only. ML

 

[Ashleigh_C]

Thanks, all. I appreciate the comments, suggestions, and even the opinions.

 

[_Lynn_]

Thanks, all. I appreciate the comments, suggestions, and even the opinions.

Lit has some amazing Authors, many in the AH.
One can learn a lot from their work, the threads, asking questions, etc.

You're welcome. ML

 

[slyc_willie]

I agree with drk.
It's a start. Read from the Top Author's List. Writing classes. Volunteer Editors. Find ways to improve. Good luck.




I thought this was a bit over-done for one paragraph. Some I high-lighted here as examples. Do they all have a purpose in the story, or are they just there?

My opinion only. ML

On the contrary, I liked the paragraph you selected, Lynn. The only changes I would make would be to do away with 'quintessential' and 'sacharrin.' Other than that, the passage built up a very sensuous, moody image for me.

Nice writing, Ashleigh.

 

[likemags]

lucky AMY CLARK.... excellent imagination and thought... but you have to consider the revision of the structure of the wordings... anyways serious great work....

 

[MarshAlien]

So far (and I realize that we're still on the porch), it seems a little overwritten and a little underplotted. I actually liked the second paragraph for the most part, although "contemplating her situation" was wholly unnecessary. You're showing us that already; don't tell it to us as well. "Quintessential" was also too much; I think "little black dress" is enough all by itself.

I thought the sex was too much, too soon. If this is a real story rather than a stroke piece, it got lost in the long, involved description of Amy at the frat party. Dialogue would help; shortening the description of the sex would help even more. Also, it's difficult to understand why Amy enjoyed it so much that she's seeking it out again. It simply seems brutal and, in parts, ugly.

The first paragraph of "3," with the child and the wedding, seemed particularly pointless. If it doesn't add to the story, and it's hard to see how this will, leave it out.

You need to proofread a little more carefully; I think "fantasized," not "fanaticized," was the word you wanted. "Peaking" instead of "peeking." "Slopping vaginal hole:" the only use of "slopping" with which I'm familiar has to do with feeding pigs. Well, maybe it does belong.

Good luck; I actually think you write very well. Too well, even; your narration needs a little more concision, and a good bit more plot.