CONSTRUCTIVE criticism please

[the_scribbler]

Hi there, I'm a first time writer ('author' sounds at least a bit too ambitious to me at this point) and was looking for some constructive criticism. Now I must first warn you that I am one of those guys who gravitates to the Loving Wives section where the wife steps out on her husband, so my story follows that line. If these stories don't interest you, please move on. Trust me, I've received enough destructive criticism through the email feedback! Man, there are some really closed minded people out there!

All I'm really looking for is an honest (not brutally, please!) critique of my style and whether you feel the story flows and reads easily, even if you're not a fan of the genre. I have submitted another in the same vein, but I promise I will try something perhaps more socially acceptable, but would like to find out what I'm doing wrong and hopefully what I'm doing right.

Anyway, for those who care to go on...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=310836


Thanks in advance for your time.

 

[MarshAlien]

Honestly, I couldn't really understand Sonja's motivation throughout the whole story. If she was that much into domination as the opening suggested, why did she want to knee her new boyfriend in the balls and run away from him? And why was the urge to beat him up such a revelation to her?

The opening has some real problems. "he felt that all in all she did look pretty good after all things were considered" is way too repetitive. "Near perfect" should be hyphenated. "Make up" is either hyphenated or one word. Stomachs are "taut," not "taught." People are "complimentary," not, in this case, "complementary." Finally, you appear to be saying that her breasts are long, thick, and dark. The description goes on much too long before the actual teasing begins; why can't you describe her more while she's doing the teasing?

 

[sully4444]

liked story

I happened to enjoy your story.

Sully

 

[drksideofthemoon]

A lot of your paragraphs were too long, and needed to be broken up.

Don't use numbers where you can use words.

The movie was 3 hours long.

The movie was three hours long.

A different part of the brain is used for number recognition, and it disrupts the flow of your writing.

You didn't draw me into your story, you need to make it stand out, hook the reader like a fish and reel them in. Make your characters interesting, a lot of novice writers begin their stories exactly the same way that you did.

Your story began like ten thousand other stories on this site, a history of the characters. After a while it wears thin. Use dialog to bring your characters to life.

Good luck in the future.

 

[_Lynn_]

I found many of the same things drk and Marsh said here.

Paragraphs are too long, making it difficult to read.

Write out your numbers.

Find another way to describe "34C". A bra size doesn't really fit into a story very well.

I found a lot of sentences starting out with she/he/her. If you mix up your beginnings, you can get a better flow.

Build your characters, let them tell the story to the readers.

I personally lost interest in the story itself quite early.

Work on improving what you have.

My opinions only.

 

[the_scribbler]

Thanks for your input, everyone. Before I wrote it I knew I had a lot to learn but I wanted to give it a shot to see how it turned out. I'll keep your ideas in mind before I try again and hopefully I can make some improvements.