Conflicts: when you feel like two people

[Bustymagoo]

First off, I would like to say hello to everyone, and thanks for being out there! Oh, and can someone please tell me why pyl stands for? Sorry, I see it alot and could t figure it out... :/

alrighty, onto the real point of this. I wanted to know if any subs/doms (etc) ever feel like they are conflicting personalities within themselves? In the way of your "public" personality isn't the same as your "private" roles?
Example: in my public life I am assertive, out going woman in the business world. But my private life I am a sub, and find that I find myself conflicted...
I am trying to date, and that I must be sending conflicting signals as well. I recently went to a well known function in my area for BDSM lifestyle folk, my very first one mind you, but when it came to meeting other singles, I was told I wasn't "submissive acting" enough by friends, hence why I wasn't approached by any Masters.
How do you find the balance?
Is there a way to enjoy these roles without having to be "sub" enough all the time?I mean, I enjoy being talkitive and confident... But I still want my needs met!

Help!

 

[jadefirefly]

Hi Bustymagoo.

Firstly, pyl = person you love. IIRC, it tends to be capitalized or lowercase to denote dom/sub or top/bottom relations. (I had to ask, too!)

Secondly, it's rather normal for people to be different inside and outside of the bedroom. Yes, some people are more submissive in their day-to-day lives, but not all subs carry those tendencies outside of playtime.

Now, what you may need to consider is whether or not you want your BDSM activities to extend outside of the bedroom. If so, you may need to consider what aspects of your everyday life you're comfortable giving up some measure of control over. If not, that's perfectly okay, too. There's no rule that says you HAVE to devote your 24/7 life to BDSM.

Take your time, test the waters, and don't let anyone tell you what you have to do. Do what you're comfortable with, until you're ready to do something else. Eventually you'll find the right person.

 

[Myskaninen]

don't be afraid there are masters out there for you I met some outgoing subs also and you notice them as they feel different from vanilla outgoing women when you talk to them and so on (before you find out they are subs I ment of course) so just be yourself don't try to act differently from what you feel is you

 

[YourCaptor]

PYL/pyl on this forum means pick your label, and Im sure you know about the whole capital letters and slashes stuff.

The scene is also packed with drama, I'm not part of it but just hearing about what goes on from people who are part of it makes me nauseous.

Having multiple faces is perfectly normal, basic social psych. Hence you get the A students who end up binge drinking and setting cars of fire after the lakers loose. Social setting has everything to do with how we act, after all we are social animals.

As far as what you should be, or how you should act. Nobody can tell you that. Just find something that works for you. Try approaching the masters yourself, or wearing a shorter skirt, or whatever you would do to meet/get noticed.

Their is no one way of being a sub or a dom or anything, that is why we use PYL/pyl, to get away from all that drama.

 

[PertPerth]

Glad to see I'm still learning (I think I'd die if I'd stop). I always thought pyl and PYL was "pick your label" for a bottom and Top respectively.

I flip too - assertive with one person, on the verge of being a doormat with someone else, depending on the type of relationship I have with them. Yes, it can be confusing for guys, but many like it too. As always, it is just a matter of finding the right guy.

 

[Cattypuss]

Yeah. I have a high-status, stressful, very responsible job where I make decisions and impose them on other people - most of them men. I am generally pereceived as an assertive woman.

And I am a bedroom sub. Nothing makes me wetter than being treated badly in the bedroom by a man who is imposing his will on me.

As to not acting "submissive enough", there is one man who loves to dominate me precisely because I present to the world as a strong, assertive woman. Bringing out the sub in me is an extra thrill for him.

 

[CutieMouse]

I recently went to a well known function in my area for BDSM lifestyle folk, my very first one mind you, but when it came to meeting other singles, I was told I wasn't "submissive acting" enough by friends, hence why I wasn't approached by any Masters.
How do you find the balance?
Is there a way to enjoy these roles without having to be "sub" enough all the time?I mean, I enjoy being talkitive and confident... But I still want my needs met!

Help!

Welcome to why I don't attend "functions" in "the lifestyle" - apparently tall, slimmish, well dressed, well heeled redheads aren't submissive.

Seriously - define "submissive acting". What were you supposed to do, walk about like a living breathing Gorean novel. or be yourself - a smart, self assured, friendly woman who happens to be submissive?

Suggestion from the peanut gallery - give it some time, and the Dominants with whom you'll get along with best will be drawn to you exactly as you are, because of your smart, confident, friendly personality.

 

[the captians wench]

Welcome to why I don't attend "functions" in "the lifestyle" - apparently tall, slimmish, well dressed, well heeled redheads aren't submissive.

Seriously - define "submissive acting". What were you supposed to do, walk about like a living breathing Gorean novel. or be yourself - a smart, self assured, friendly woman who happens to be submissive?

Suggestion from the peanut gallery - give it some time, and the Dominants with whom you'll get along with best will be drawn to you exactly as you are, because of your smart, confident, friendly personality.

Exactly...well, actually I can't comment on the slimmish redhead part, but the rest I can relate to. *giggles*

The first couple of things I went to I got labbled as a Domme, basically because I was shy and quiet, but had confidence screaming off of me. *shrug*

I kind of have the opposite conflict, but I understand the concept all the same.

I'm a sub, but I also have a submissive personality. I'm very timid and most happy to follow a leader. But I'm also in a position of athority in my job. I have to be the leader, outgoing, decicive. It's sometimes hard for me to cope with both, more at work actually. I can take charge when I have to, I just don't like to. Maybe I'm just lazy, heh.

Sometimes it's harder than others. If I go a very long time with out an assignment or play session, I feel over whelmed. It's hard to keep that balance.

As for needing to act submissive, again I copy Miss Mouse. The right PYL will apreciate you and want you for you, not for putting on some show.

PS. PYL/pyl does stand for "pick your lable". It gets quite anoying writing out "Dom/Top/Master/GrandPumba....." or "sub/slave/bottom/little one/ worm...." all of the time. And then you get into the "what defines a sub vs slave" stuff and what is relevent to a slave may not be to a sub yatta yatta yatta. So to get passed all of that and into the relevent stuff we use PYL for the ALL Knowing Ones, and pyl for the subby types.

 

[Curious_Red]

I keep it seperate myself.

In the bedroom, and at times outside, I am Mistress' little pigee.

Outside of that, and what amounts to a majority of the time, I'm just normal old me.

 

[Netzach]

Welcome to why I don't attend "functions" in "the lifestyle" - apparently tall, slimmish, well dressed, well heeled redheads aren't submissive.

Seriously - define "submissive acting". What were you supposed to do, walk about like a living breathing Gorean novel. or be yourself - a smart, self assured, friendly woman who happens to be submissive?

Suggestion from the peanut gallery - give it some time, and the Dominants with whom you'll get along with best will be drawn to you exactly as you are, because of your smart, confident, friendly personality.

Apparently if you are under 5'8'' and you didn't wear your corset you MUST be submissive.

OP, try acting shorter. Just kidding. Be yourself. Don't be afraid to approach people you are interested in, too, if that's your normal demeanor. Most Dominants will be flattered/can handle it.

 

[the captians wench]

Apparently if you are under 5'8'' and you didn't wear your corset you MUST be submissive.

OP, try acting shorter. Just kidding. Be yourself. Don't be afraid to approach people you are interested in, too, if that's your normal demeanor. Most Dominants will be flattered/can handle it.

Ohhh! Of course! It's the corset that threw them off!

I never go out with out one.

 

[intothewoods]

First, ignore the idiots who profess to have D/s-dar right off the bat. Most people I've met in the scene are not like this.

As to the original question, yes. My problem is I often feel like a freak in ordinary PTA meeting and work life. And then when I attend bdsm munches and parties, I feel way too boring. I'm not poly, and most everyone in my local scene is poly. And my relationship with my PYL just kinda is, but doesn't involve me dressing a particular way for him, or doing a whole lotta tasks or wearing a collar. So, the point is, I sometimes feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I'm really lucky in that I have a small circle of close freaky ass mom friends with whom I can gab about sleep schedules and ball gags, all in the same evening.

 

[celticsunspiral]

I also just started going to our local munches and have felt a little out of place. Not that I haven't been welcome with open arms because I have been. But I have not had a PYL in a while and I guess I am not feeling quite as subbish as I have in the past, even though I am still craving submission. My job requires that I am confident and authoritative, in charge. So when I go I wind up second guessing myself and my behavior. I did talk with the person in charge of our local munches and he told me to just be myself. I also did some reading on the net and most places suggest that you take care of you first. Meaning make sure that you are happy with you first, finances, schooling, whatever.

My other thought is this; I am looking for a strong, intelligent, secure Dom. One who would have my respect and I their's. I do not believe that this Dom would be put off by finding the same, (strong, intelligent and secure) in his potential sub. And if he did then he wouldn't be the Dom for me.

Be you! Because if you don't you will not find the right Dom. Honesty is always the best policy.

 

[jadefirefly]

Apparently acronyms and I do not get along.

 

[Harmony_1985]

I've recently had to profess this to a friend who knows of my lifestyle involvement.

Master and I got to know each other VANILLA WISE before we got to know each other BDSM WISE.

No relationship is going to work if you don't get to know the person before you get to know the submissive.

If I didn't wear a collar and a skirt at munches, you'd never know I'm a sub, but then again, everyone works off of this percieved notion that subs are quiet and self controlled.

lol wut? I know 3 subs at least who, like me, are loud and self assured.

Be YOU. Don't worry about being submissive/Dominant/switchy/gay/straight/transvesite/whatever, just be YOU.

To be honest, a guy demanding you submit or show submissiveness within the first 5 hours of meeting does bring up a red flag for me.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Most of the time i feel like 4 or 5. Two would be a walk in the park.

 

[where]

Apparently if you are under 5'8'' and you didn't wear your corset you MUST be submissive.
.

ahhh... what if you are 5'4 and wearing a corset... would that make me look subbie or domme?

seriously though, as a sexual submissive (as opposed to a lifestyle one) most people think I'm some kind of mad dominatrix in the bedroom simply based on how I am out of the bedroom. I never understand it because most of the male subs I've met have been like alpha males in terms of business and their day to day interpersonal relationships.

It's nice to know I'm not some kind of freak

 

[eastern sun]

I've been mistaken for a Domme too when I've gone to clubs. I thought it was the boots I usually wear.

But it's also the vibes you give off. I've always been mistaken for a domme when I was carrying myself in high status mode, usually because I was shy and overcompensating.

During my "new slave" period, when I was playing low status all the time to everything both animate and inanimate in my life, I went to a club with my husband. He left me alone for a long time on purpose and I got scared by the unattached dom feeding frenzy it set in motion.

Playing high or low status in social settings is something you can control, when you want to.

 

[where]

.....

 

[human_male]

I feel like that all the time. I feel like I have two people inside me. The normal me, and also this total pervert who likes to IM online and do things that make the normal me cringe. It's literally like the first thing I think of when I wake up "I can't believe I did that last night." I swear to myself I won't do it again, but I know it's only a matter of time.

If anyone else feels like that I'd like to know how you resolve it with yourself.

 

[Netzach]

I feel like that all the time. I feel like I have two people inside me. The normal me, and also this total pervert who likes to IM online and do things that make the normal me cringe. It's literally like the first thing I think of when I wake up "I can't believe I did that last night." I swear to myself I won't do it again, but I know it's only a matter of time.

If anyone else feels like that I'd like to know how you resolve it with yourself.

I am one of the people who feels fairly integrated, I was very deliberate about that in my 20's. But I know that MOST people feel this way. I don't have any great insight, other than you are SO not alone.

The way I resolved it was simply a facet of my personality - I tend to make really critical decisions abruptly and without looking back - this time it was "this is my sexuality, it's not going to ever change, and I am not here to make other people happy."

 

[eastern sun]

what do you mean by high and low status? Sorry to sound dumb.

I was first introduced to the idea of high and low status behaviors through Keith Johnstone's book, "Impro." It's a book on improvisation for actors that was very popular when I was in college.

He says all human social behavior can be boiled down to status interactions. Here in this forum, the most crude forms are the interactions between D and s. But there are infinite shades and nuances. You can have a D who plays "low status." Or an s who plays "high status." And status shifts constantly from one person to another. We give each other status, or try to take it away.

Johnstone would say that though we all fall into these behaviors rather unconsciously, it is possible to identify specific status markers, (i.e. eye contact, speech patterns, physical postures, and language) that can be consciously manipulated to play different characters on stage.

Obviously a lot of BDSM ritual plays on the same markers.

We talk about "natural dominants" and "submissive natures," that may be innate and/or habitual. But it is possible for anyone to manipulate the status markers. Experiment with your eye contact. Hold someone's gaze long enough for them to break contact. Or, drop your eyes to the ground and then look back. Look at someone indirectly, from the side. Talk to someone without lowering your eyes, but refusing to look at them.

You can also manipulate your speech patterns, your physical posture. Your choice of words.

You'll immediately feel where you are most comfortable. But you can also learn new habits if you want to, too. And it sometimes changes how you feel about yourself.

So, one time when I was mistaken for a domme, I know that I was trying to cover up the fact that I was nervous. My posture was very straight, with my head and chest held high, and my eye contact was direct. And I moved through the room deliberately, as though I knew where I was going. It read "high status." And I was totally dumbstruck when someone approached me because he wanted to kiss my feet.

On the other hand, on my "new slave" night out, I stood rather awkwardly by a wall, with one hand holding one finger of the other hand, and I only peeked at the people around me, without holding anyone's gaze at all. I stood there for a long time, and when men became interested, I could feel them looking at me, so I'd look up and get scared, and drop my eyes, and kind of take an open-mouthed breath. Only unattached doms were interested in playing that night.

These moments were influenced by my emotional state at the time, and weren't consciously manipulated. But I've experimented with it openly at various times in my life, artificially choosing to exhibit one behavior or another. It's very interesting.

 

[JMohegan]

I feel like that all the time. I feel like I have two people inside me. The normal me, and also this total pervert who likes to IM online and do things that make the normal me cringe. It's literally like the first thing I think of when I wake up "I can't believe I did that last night." I swear to myself I won't do it again, but I know it's only a matter of time.

If anyone else feels like that I'd like to know how you resolve it with yourself.

I don't feel like that, but I'd like to suggest a resolution nevertheless.

Try thinking about your human interactions in terms of the other people, rather than yourself. It's perfectly normal for you to respond differently to different individuals.

For example, say an 8 year old girl rings your doorbell, selling girl scout cookies. The way you talk to her will be markedly different than the way you address your best friend from college when he shows up on your doorstep, right? Your language, mannerisms, and goals for the conversation will be completely different.

So.... when you do whatever it is that people do in pervy IM exchanges, don't think of your behavior as reflective of some alter ego inside you, but rather as a perfectly natural response to the pervs on the other end.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I was first introduced to the idea of high and low status behaviors through Keith Johnstone's book, "Impro." ... <snip>

Fascinating, eastern sun. I've wanted to read this book for some time, and you've reminded me to seek it out.

 

[insert____here]

i put it down to levels of appropriate behaviour for different people. the way i act and the things i say around my close friends, work colleagues, parents, aquaintences, child, functions, or people who share the same lifestyle are all different. as it should be.

but like most sub type people, you'd probably never pick me for one. i'm mostly very confident, self assured and direct.

submission has nothing to do with any of those qualities that are inherent to my nature, although i'm sure that there are some domly types who would try and argue differently.

just don't worry about what is "expected" or "accepted". go with what and who you are and everything else will follow. including someone who can appreciate sub you.