Confessions of an Anal Virgin
- Thread starter WarmNwet
- Start date
PixxieLittle
Virgin
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2010
- Posts
- 21
Brilliant! XD
I love that, thats brilliant
I love that, thats brilliant
Simply and Dirty - who am I to argue?
Hi Warm,
First, kudos on taking your first writing leap! You've got some nice elements here too: humor, bits of clever dialogue, and some naughtiness. It's all there and way better than my first go anyway.
Where to go from here with it? You could use a little clean-up editing, but you'll catch minor stuff on a slow re-read (e.g. shuttered --> shuddered). Your bar changed names (should it actually be Zanzibar?) and you slipped from past tense into present tense once or twice.
I have a soft and tiny stylistic suggestion too -- consider italicizing the text messages. I tend to do it in my stories on the theory that it actually is kind of a foreign language. A Chicago Manual of Style nerd would point to rule 7.51 but nobody likes them. I just think it reads easier in italics.
If I've got your people straight, it should be Michelle, the roommate (and not Katie), who hears the sex towards the end.
All minor stuff as far as I'm concerned. You're doin' super.
-PacoFear
Hi Warm,
First, kudos on taking your first writing leap! You've got some nice elements here too: humor, bits of clever dialogue, and some naughtiness. It's all there and way better than my first go anyway.
Where to go from here with it? You could use a little clean-up editing, but you'll catch minor stuff on a slow re-read (e.g. shuttered --> shuddered). Your bar changed names (should it actually be Zanzibar?) and you slipped from past tense into present tense once or twice.
I have a soft and tiny stylistic suggestion too -- consider italicizing the text messages. I tend to do it in my stories on the theory that it actually is kind of a foreign language. A Chicago Manual of Style nerd would point to rule 7.51 but nobody likes them.
I just think it reads easier in italics. If I've got your people straight, it should be Michelle, the roommate (and not Katie), who hears the sex towards the end.
All minor stuff as far as I'm concerned. You're doin' super.
-PacoFear
Sweet !
Nice story, short and to the point, and different enough to be interesting while still plenty sexy.
Unlike many "true" stories, the condom makes it believable, while it must have temptig to change that to make it sexier, it would have undermined the impact of a true story.
Not sure about other guys, but fucking drunk chicks is defintely an appealing fantasy to me, although these days I'm not sure if I would do it for real...
Nice story, short and to the point, and different enough to be interesting while still plenty sexy.
Unlike many "true" stories, the condom makes it believable, while it must have temptig to change that to make it sexier, it would have undermined the impact of a true story.
Not sure about other guys, but fucking drunk chicks is defintely an appealing fantasy to me, although these days I'm not sure if I would do it for real...
You did ask for a critique so here goes.
In all a good little story and believable as a "true" story.
I find stories with statistics limiting for example : "Her tits were 44dd" is too dry compared with "Her tits were bigger than he had even imagined"
You give height and weight in imperial measurements which might be meaningless to someone accustomed to metric so limiting your readership. Think about simply describing the person. Pehaps saying, "I am comfortable with my bod and get plenty of the kind of looks that say men like it too." This allows the reader to use their imagination to visualize the kind of bod they like and relate more closely to the story.
Hope this is of some use
Sirloy
In all a good little story and believable as a "true" story.
I find stories with statistics limiting for example : "Her tits were 44dd" is too dry compared with "Her tits were bigger than he had even imagined"
You give height and weight in imperial measurements which might be meaningless to someone accustomed to metric so limiting your readership. Think about simply describing the person. Pehaps saying, "I am comfortable with my bod and get plenty of the kind of looks that say men like it too." This allows the reader to use their imagination to visualize the kind of bod they like and relate more closely to the story.
Hope this is of some use
Sirloy
