confession

[mirabai1103]

confession

The idea of submission … the idea of power through domination, freedom through bondage, is tempting, tantalising. Here is my attempt to manage and define what and why the appeal is so strong, for me. Catharsis, confession, hope.

I have never had “conventional” used to describe me. Even young, I never fit in. I wanted to be accepted for who I was, to be left alone to be whatever or whoever I managed to be. The word target comes to mind. Always plain, or feeling plain, compared to those around me left a lasting mark. I don’t have daddy issues, I was never punished as a child, I’m not looking for someone to complete me, I am looking for someone to take me, as I am.

I am sensitive, aware of who I appear to be and flatter myself that people I find attractive or appealing or interesting see those same things in me. I am also hugely self conscious. Sure that, if someone were to listen to me, read who I am, with the anonymity of imagination separating me from their eyes, they would like what they see. I am equally sure that, even liking who I am without a face, my face, my body would be enough to prevent anything but friendship. I have no problems with friendships, they are integral, but I am not looking for friendship.

That being said, while I love my vanilla friends, I need like minded people. People who share or at least respect my unconventional ideas about love, monogamy, sexuality. I believe, at my core, everyone deserves happiness, more precisely, at least once in everyone’s life, everyone deserves to feel ecstasy, whatever that means to them. I miss being able to be a step in that ecstatic journey. I miss being the last thing a man sees as he shudders through a powerful orgasm, I miss the feeling of a man in me, bringing me crushingly close to that ecstatic experience. I say close, because I have yet to find my own ecstasy. The men I have been with have been good and kind, mean and abusive, and not aware of how to please me. To be fair, *I* wasn’t aware of how to please me, and more importantly, I was unable or unwilling to communicate *how* to please me.

I am not a Domme, I don’t want the control. I want to please, but I equally want to be pleased. I want a man who reads me, who can listen to my body and take me where I want to go, even if I can’t describe or articulate it.

I want to be used, to be pleased, to touch my ecstasy. I also want to be respected. To have my choices respected. I want to be at the mercy of someone I trust, someone I can respect.

Sound like submission? The labels don’t matter, call me sub, call me lover, call me girl or Ma’am. Let me know that I’m respected and call me “yours.”

I am not done … thanks for listening and bearing witness to my first step …

 

[Stella_Omega]

Welcome Mirabelle. it's a journey many women take, you're not alone.

 

[mirabai1103]

Thank you Stella. Your considered replies to others here have been exceedingly helpful to me.

 

[Stella_Omega]

And now I see how badly I misspelled your handle

 

[mirabai1103]

No worries, like I said, I hate labels and besides ... my spell check does all my spelling for me

 

[Netzach]

I don't think it sounds like submission.

I think we tend to put "everything that isn't domination but a woman is thinking about it and it's naughty" into a "submission" slush pile around here.

You sound like someone on a sexual quest. Didn't everyone go on those in the seventies or something? What happened to the validity of that?

 

[SirKE]

I agree, you don't sound Submissive to me.

I would have to agree, based on what you wrote it sounds like you may have some submissive tendencies but that doesn't make you submissive. It sounds like you are not sure what you want, with exception to wanting an ecstatic orgasm. And a man who is able to have some kind of supernatural power to understand and give you what you want to achieve that orgasm, when you yourself don't even know what you need to achieve it. Research the lifestyle more, decide on what you really want, then find someone to experiment with. It's how we all had to do it. Talking on discussion boards only get you so far, no substitute for doing your own research online and in real-life.

 

[Redkate]

It's so hard to work out what you want. I do think though, that when you find someone with whom you sexually connect with you may find more understanding of what you want. But you won't find that unless you go out and find it

Sometimes, I find I'm lead to what turns me on by my partner. Experimenting and trying new things shows me different ways to be excited, to reach a point of ecstasy. Maybe finding someone who is adventerous in the bedroom may help you work out what you truely desire.