Companion to the Five in Five

[Eluard]

Discuss anything to do with the 5 in 5 challenge here.

One initial point: this challenge is not intended to take away from the 30 poems in 30 days. But that is an awfully big committment and doesn't suit everyone. There is room for a shorter, more focussed challenge, that can yet provide an entree to the 30 in 30.

 

[wildsweetone]

now this is a good idea. i'll join when i can.

 

[Guest]

..................

 

[Eluard]

Well, you're both most welcome to join when you feel you want to.

 

[Liar]

I'm intrigued. Gonna load up on muse power and think about it.

The 10 lines 50 words minimum makes me a little iffy though. Runs the risk (at least for me) to lower the quality of the poem.

 

[Eluard]

I'm intrigued. Gonna load up on muse power and think about it.

The 10 lines 50 words minimum makes me a little iffy though. Runs the risk (at least for me) to lower the quality of the poem.

I don't want to lower the limit though — I think the individual pieces have got to represent a substantial effort or there is no challenge aspect to it.

Initially this challenge might sound like a cake walk compared to the 30/30 but I don't think it is. It is tough coming up with five things that you'd stand behind, tougher still doing that in only five days. At the end of the 30/30 you might have about five poems that you really like, but you've also diluted your talent and thrown away a lot of good ideas — unless, that is, you do a LOT of rewriting. That's why I think there's room for a 'quality sprint' kind of challenge.

 

[wildsweetone]

my 30/30 are often just dreamed up in the posting box (not always, but quite often)... they all need plenty more editing.

this 5/5 is going to be hard work lol mountains of editing in one day! i must be nuts.

 

[Liar]

I don't want to lower the limit though — I think the individual pieces have got to represent a substantial effort or there is no challenge aspect to it.

Ya, I understand what you're saying. Effort and quality. And that's good. But volume is niether the same as effort or the same as quality. For me, it takes a whole lot of effort to keep a poem focused, to weed out the redundancies and find it's core, rather than wrap it in more words. And the poems end up better for it (most of the time).

What you have here is merely a form restriction. You might as well have said "only rhyming couplets".

 

[Eluard]

Grandfather cried.
I couldn't tell you how many
times or the circumstance
that leads to memory. He cried
like rain that falls soft, no sound
but I see his wet face, tears
tracked past his glasses.
I smell his aftershave,
Old Spice forever mixed with sadness
for me. I've tried to imagine

their faces, bewildered
then horrified, maybe resolute
in between choking for air,
on the way to peaceful. I know
even the most violent Death
can be recomposed
to manufacture serenity,
but it's all imagination,
a blank gap we fill
with supposition. No one
should have to imagine a family,
and maybe that is why he cried.
Tears for the ocean he crossed,
for the river that moves past
empty banks, for the puddle
that reflects only the sky.

Very moving Angeline. There's nothing else one can say.

 

[Angeline]

Very moving Angeline. There's nothing else one can say.

Thank you. I think your poem got my muse moving. That and talking with my daughter about her great-grandfather the other day.

I love your 5/5 thread. Today.

Oh, and I have a question. Do you have any objection to us editing previously written poems and using them in the thread? I'm not sure I can produce quality in a first draft five days in a row.

 

[Eluard]

Thank you. I think your poem got my muse moving. That and talking with my daughter about her great-grandfather the other day.

I love your 5/5 thread. Today.

Oh, and I have a question. Do you have any objection to us editing previously written poems and using them in the thread? I'm not sure I can produce quality in a first draft five days in a row.

I think this is covered by a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy!

 

[Angeline]

I think this is covered by a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy!

Why do I suddenly feel in the military? And gay?

 

[Eluard]

Why do I suddenly feel in the military? And gay?

Bend over soldier! (and don't tell!)

 

[Angeline]

Bend over soldier! (and don't tell!)

Yikes! I just remembered. I'm a straight pacifist.

 

[Eluard]

Yikes! I just remembered. I'm a straight pacifist.

Oh NOW you remember!

 

[Angeline]

What the Cruel God said to the Kind God


Betrayer, you little one whom I nurtured,
Who I thought fair, you winter child
On whom I wished some lightness to fall
Who I saw in the undertow of wheat
Holding a mirror to the earth's breath
Twisting your hair into roses of absence
Turning over in your dark dreams so
God does not hate only one side, or hate
For long, you thrower of prayer-knives
At the lame, the sick, the wounded, the greedy
Here is an end to the little childish
Flowers I left at your red-crossed door.

This is very good. It makes me think of God as Janus, with the two faces arguing with one another. Or maybe Chang and Eng, the famous Siamese twins.

I have two nitpicks.

1) I don't understand this line:
Twisting your hair into roses of absence
It doesn't seem to me to fit with either the line preceding or following it. I think you could delete it and have a tighter piece of writing.

2. red-crossed
Hmmm. I love the way your poem ends. It's a strong image and certainly fits your theme well, but "red-crossed" makes me think of a hospital when I want to see a church or a mausoleum door. It's a small point, I know, and maybe the image of a hospital is ok by you. Just wanted to point out my reaction.

Just some feedback. If it helps, good. If it doesn't, no worries here.

Is that a bit of blueberry behind your ear?

 

[Eluard]

This is very good. It makes me think of God as Janus, with the two faces arguing with one another. Or maybe Chang and Eng, the famous Siamese twins.

I have two nitpicks.

1) I don't understand this line:
Twisting your hair into roses of absence
It doesn't seem to me to fit with either the line preceding or following it. I think you could delete it and have a tighter piece of writing.

2. red-crossed
Hmmm. I love the way your poem ends. It's a strong image and certainly fits your theme well, but "red-crossed" makes me think of a hospital when I want to see a church or a mausoleum door. It's a small point, I know, and maybe the image of a hospital is ok by you. Just wanted to point out my reaction.

Just some feedback. If it helps, good. If it doesn't, no worries here.

Is that a bit of blueberry behind your ear?

Thanks for this Ange! I will certainly give some extra thought as to whether

Twisting your hair into roses of absence

is really what I wanted to say. Your querying it makes me worry that perhaps it wasn't at all.

And yes, that is a little bit of tasty blueberry and cream on the shoulder and those blueberries are all stamped by the Acme company.

 

[Tzara]

What the Cruel God said to the Kind God


Betrayer, you little one whom I nurtured,
Who I thought fair, you winter child
On whom I wished some lightness to fall
Who I saw in the undertow of wheat
Holding a mirror to the earth's breath
Twisting your hair into roses of absence
Turning over in your dark dreams so
God does not hate only one side, or hate
For long, you thrower of prayer-knives
At the lame, the sick, the wounded, the greedy
Here is an end to the little childish
Flowers I left at your red-crossed door.

An elegant poem, Eluard, but I am puzzled by why lines two and four are "who" and lines one and three are "whom." They all look to me as if they should be "whom," though I am pretty dicey about the rule on that so don't take me as the Apostle of English Grammar.

Nice work, though.

 

[Eluard]

An elegant poem, Eluard, but I am puzzled by why lines two and four are "who" and lines one and three are "whom." They all look to me as if they should be "whom," though I am pretty dicey about the rule on that so don't take me as the Apostle of English Grammar.

Nice work, though.

You're right — it was to break up the repetition that I varied it, and the 'who' 's are meant to be just on the other side of correct grammar — not too far!

But thanks for the apprecaitive remarks — now I think you are required in the pie fight room!

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Okay then here's my take. I'm not even in this challenge but Eluard, that piece talked to the very back of my head and it's rockin'. Only after I forced myself to read it piece by piece for grammar and such did I see anything with the "who and whom" issue that might be even more graceful. But really, basically, it made my head explode.

do that more.

and here, darlin', lemme get that little schmutz... hm. How'd you get lemon meringue THERE?

bijou

 

[Eluard]

Okay then here's my take. I'm not even in this challenge but Eluard, that piece talked to the very back of my head and it's rockin'. Only after I forced myself to read it piece by piece for grammar and such did I see anything with the "who and whom" issue that might be even more graceful. But really, basically, it made my head explode.

do that more.

and here, darlin', lemme get that little schmutz... hm. How'd you get lemon meringue THERE?

bijou

Why thankyou, bijou, thankyou so much. I'm glad that the poem — in that apt phrase so beloved of lit crit professors — spoke to you.

 

[Tathagata]

Grampa and Donald

I know
even the most violent Death
can be recomposed
to manufacture serenity,
but it's all imagination,
a blank gap we fill
with supposition. No one
should have to imagine a family,
and maybe that is why he cried.
Tears for the ocean he crossed,
for the river that moves past
empty banks, for the puddle
that reflects only the sky.

"The river that moves past empty banks"....that line just hit me and the image and the quiet, sadness, and feeling of absolute desolation were immediate.

i just kept shaking my head...i like the rattling noise

very nice work Shemeh

The Donald one made me laugh, and once again reaffirmed my belief you were born too late.

 

[Angeline]

"The river that moves past empty banks"....that line just hit me and the image and the quiet, sadness, and feeling of absolute desolation were immediate.

i just kept shaking my head...i like the rattling noise

very nice work Shemeh

The Donald one made me laugh, and once again reaffirmed my belief you were born too late.

Thank you T.

I had sort of written the Donald poem over a year ago, but this was a complete rewrite--didn't even look at the old one first.

I was born too late. I should have been born in the early 20th century. Or maybe around 1935, 1940. I'd have made a good beat poet.

 

[Angeline]

Thanks for this Ange! I will certainly give some extra thought as to whether

Twisting your hair into roses of absence

is really what I wanted to say. Your querying it makes me worry that perhaps it wasn't at all.

And yes, that is a little bit of tasty blueberry and cream on the shoulder and those blueberries are all stamped by the Acme company.

You know what you want to say better than anyone else.

I was once castigated for using the phrase "gaps of absence." I guess people didn't like the assonance, but it made sense to me--that someone's absence could create an emptiness for someone else.

So I kept it. So there readers!



PS I'm glad to see you're schmutzless now.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Can I just mutter something in here so I don't lose the thread which I am very apt to do ... blonde you know!