Commitment Phobes

[JMohegan]

I think I already got all that, the problem is the commitment aspect. It's such a subjective concept, I don't really know how to deal with it.

Hell it could be that being consistent would scare her. Then on the other hand she did tells me she needs structure.

So far what I got is that she freaks out at hints towards a long term relationship. I think...

There's always the option of treating commitment as a series of concretely defined steps.

"Would you agree to _____ for a period of one month, to see how it goes?"

Blank filled in with whatever tangible aspects of a commitment might fit. Dating exclusively, fucking exclusively, kinky play, obedience in such & such realm, whatever.

If the month goes by and all is well, then the process repeats itself. Maybe the time frame extends, maybe not, depending on comfort levels.

 

[YourCaptor]

There's always the option of treating commitment as a series of concretely defined steps.

"Would you agree to _____ for a period of one month, to see how it goes?"

Blank filled in with whatever tangible aspects of a commitment might fit. Dating exclusively, fucking exclusively, kinky play, obedience in such & such realm, whatever.

If the month goes by and all is well, then the process repeats itself. Maybe the time frame extends, maybe not, depending on comfort levels.

No, that would never work. I know her well enough to know that, that would be instant relationship death.

 

[JMohegan]

No, that would never work. I know her well enough to know that, that would be instant relationship death.

Okay.

On the other end of the spectrum, 19's a bit young for till-death-do-us-part, right?

So what commitment, specifically, are you hoping to obtain from her? In terms of substance and timing, what do you want?

 

[FurryFury]

I've never been commitment phobic. It probably would have saved me some pain but then again, I'd have missed out on some good stuff. But then again, I didn't fuck everything I could have because I'd committed to someone else already.

I am Commitment Girl!
LOL

 

[midwestyankee]

Look, you're sounding desperate and helpless here and yet you seem to be the kind of guy who likes to be in control. There's something wrong with that picture, don't you think?

You're resisting any suggestion that you back off so I have a simple question for you: what psychological benefit are you getting from being treated this way by this young woman?

Once you answer that, answer this: why aren't you trying to date someone whom you can get hot and heavy for you?

 

[FurryFury]

Excellent post.

Look, you're sounding desperate and helpless here and yet you seem to be the kind of guy who likes to be in control. There's something wrong with that picture, don't you think?

You're resisting any suggestion that you back off so I have a simple question for you: what psychological benefit are you getting from being treated this way by this young woman?

Once you answer that, answer this: why aren't you trying to date someone whom you can get hot and heavy for you?

 

[YourCaptor]

Look, you're sounding desperate and helpless here and yet you seem to be the kind of guy who likes to be in control. There's something wrong with that picture, don't you think?

You're resisting any suggestion that you back off so I have a simple question for you: what psychological benefit are you getting from being treated this way by this young woman?

Once you answer that, answer this: why aren't you trying to date someone whom you can get hot and heavy for you?

You misunderstand. I'm not resisting suggestions, I've already backed of long before it was every recommended.

What I am looking for here, is to understand what went wrong so, so that I don’t make the same mistakes the second time around.

What am I getting out of this. The best, when I'm with her I feel so high, there is no comparison. I want her as mine. And I'm pretty sure I can get her hot and heavy, it'll just take a bit more work.

Okay.

On the other end of the spectrum, 19's a bit young for till-death-do-us-part, right?

So what commitment, specifically, are you hoping to obtain from her? In terms of substance and timing, what do you want?

I just wanted to date. Then she said she didn't want to date at all, no matter the guy. Digging deeper I got out of her that a major reason for that is that she has a fear of commitment. Precisely what that means I don't know yet. I figured I'd stop pocking at wounds before that's all this relationship end up being.

Ideally, we would go out once or twice a week, spending the nights together would be nice too. Also a companion in travels.


At the core the problem here is that she doesn't want a man, and I think I'm the exception to the rule.

 

[Netzach]

Why why why would you put yourself through that kind of drama? There are girls who actually want guys and can deal with it.

Drama is a great source of high. But the crash has no antidote.

 

[YourCaptor]

Why why why would you put yourself through that kind of drama? There are girls who actually want guys and can deal with it.

Drama is a great source of high. But the crash has no antidote.

Cause she’s the best, and I want her.

And I think that eventually she’ll figure things out, she's a smart girl.

Right now she’s halfway throwing a tantrum, eventually she’ll get tiered I think.

I’m not involved enough to reach in and calm her down. That was probably my big mistake, it was all too soon, intimacy wise. Practically, I think it was perfect though.

So right now all I can do is just wait, let her panic settle, and keep offering to get her out of whatever hole she is stuck in. Eventually intimacy will start growing again.

Just have to hold out the storm. The sun is right on the other side of those clouds.

The drama itself doesn't even bother me that much, I just ignore it. The love sickness though, it's really getting to me. Can barely sleep at night, it just eats up your soul.

Just have to push through it, keep things on track.

 

[Netzach]

So the best is the one who might not like guys, but likes you, but might or might not want to revamp her identity enough to do something about liking you.

And you want to go out a couple times a week, sleep together and travel, all reasonable enough desires in regular people.

Do you think this difficulty in attainment is part of what makes her "the best?"

 

[Keroin]

Why why why

Because, because, because! Yeesh, Netz, don’t you know anything about human psychology and post-decision dissonance?


YC, you say you are not looking for advice, you say “What I am looking for here, is to understand what went wrong so, so that I don’t make the same mistakes the second time around.”

How on earth can any of us here, out in e-land, possibly know what went wrong? We don’t know the exact circumstances nor do we know this girl, not even in writing. All we have to go on is what little you’ve told us and that is a very biased account from your POV alone. We will never have an objective assessment of what happened. You’re asking the impossible.

Every person is unique and what’s making this particular girl shy away from you could be any of a thousand reasons. All we can do is offer our thoughts based on our experiences, which you’ll find will most often come in the form of advice or questions. Sorry, bro. And of course, you’re obviously writing to us from Infatuationville, so your logic sensors are not at 100% capacity. You know that, right?

 

[BiBunny]

Do you think this difficulty in attainment is part of what makes her "the best?"

Yep.
.

 

[YourCaptor]

So the best is the one who might not like guys, but likes you, but might or might not want to revamp her identity enough to do something about liking you.

And you want to go out a couple times a week, sleep together and travel, all reasonable enough desires in regular people.

Do you think this difficulty in attainment is part of what makes her "the best?"

She is not gay, at least I'm fairly sure she isn't. I also liked her long before it became difficult to get her, so I don't think this has anything to do with it. If anything, it's stressing me out making me like the whole thing a bit less.

Because, because, because! Yeesh, Netz, don’t you know anything about human psychology and post-decision dissonance?


YC, you say you are not looking for advice, you say “What I am looking for here, is to understand what went wrong so, so that I don’t make the same mistakes the second time around.”

How on earth can any of us here, out in e-land, possibly know what went wrong? We don’t know the exact circumstances nor do we know this girl, not even in writing. All we have to go on is what little you’ve told us and that is a very biased account from your POV alone. We will never have an objective assessment of what happened. You’re asking the impossible.

Every person is unique and what’s making this particular girl shy away from you could be any of a thousand reasons. All we can do is offer our thoughts based on our experiences, which you’ll find will most often come in the form of advice or questions. Sorry, bro. And of course, you’re obviously writing to us from Infatuationville, so your logic sensors are not at 100% capacity. You know that, right?

Hey, I have no dissonance. I want this girl, from day one to today. No regret about that. It's just a little more difficult then smooth sailing. I'll figure it out though, just need some time.

I'm not asking you guys to solve the issue, just to add your 2 cents if you know about the subject, anything to add another tangent of thought.

And if you don't, a "hey keep it up, she'll eventually fall to her knees", would be nice.

Infatuationville is pretty sweet, wish you were here. You should see it, its like (everything nice) x10^10 + (lonely) but thats ok.

No vulcans allowed, take your logic and shove it. I don't even know why you'd try and introduce it around these parts

 

[caela]

As a long standing commitment -phobe I can only see one of two things happening here. 1) Serious crash and burn with her never speaking to you again or 2) Eventually managing to push through her walls, earning her trust and some sort of relationship forming.

Hopefully you get number 2 but, honestly, I think number 1 is more likely.

My own phobia stems from a truly well broken heart. Wasn't just left, had the heart ground down into fine grains of sand. It took a long time to put it back together and now it's just really damned hard to risk that kind of pain again. Also I'm getting to the point in my life where I am used to doing things my way and in my time and to my specifications. Changing to add someone into that is hard enough when you're just a single person but I'm a single mom so I come with that added baggage as well lol.

I think being single and just finding a companion is probably a good way to go for me.

Good luck with the girl YC...I hope it works out for you.

 

[Keroin]

Infatuationville is pretty sweet, wish you were here. You should see it, its like (everything nice) x10^10 + (lonely) but thats ok.

No vulcans allowed, take your logic and shove it. I don't even know why you'd try and introduce it around these parts

Oh honey, I could write the official tour guide for Infatuationville. It is amazing. It's also tiring. But you're young, so enjoy!

*Puts logic back in the drawer*

 

[YourCaptor]

Oh honey, I could write the official tour guide for Infatuationville. It is amazing. It's also tiring. But you're young, so enjoy!

*Puts logic back in the drawer*

You have no idea. It's been nuts. I'm surprised I haven't had a stroke.

Thing is it hasn't just been her, it's been extreme life inconveniences plus finals prep too.

 

[YourCaptor]

As a long standing commitment -phobe I can only see one of two things happening here. 1) Serious crash and burn with her never speaking to you again or 2) Eventually managing to push through her walls, earning her trust and some sort of relationship forming.

Hopefully you get number 2 but, honestly, I think number 1 is more likely.

My own phobia stems from a truly well broken heart. Wasn't just left, had the heart ground down into fine grains of sand. It took a long time to put it back together and now it's just really damned hard to risk that kind of pain again. Also I'm getting to the point in my life where I am used to doing things my way and in my time and to my specifications. Changing to add someone into that is hard enough when you're just a single person but I'm a single mom so I come with that added baggage as well lol.

I think being single and just finding a companion is probably a good way to go for me.

Good luck with the girl YC...I hope it works out for you.

Well, no crash and burn yet... soooo... optimism.

She hasn't had any major trauma that I know of. And if it was just her wanting to enjoy college freedom, great. Shes got something else going on though.

Thing is I would totally be fine with a companion too. I've never really had a stable relationship model in my life, so its not like I'm expecting some conjoined twin thing.

Anyway, thanks for the luck.

 

[intothewoods]

I find it odd to call a 19 year old a commitment phobe. Isn't that called being 19?

I mean, it really shouldn't be that complicated or dramatic. She sounds like a head case.

At the end of the day, you can't make someone be in a relationship they don't want to be in.

 

[midwestyankee]

Here's an idea: go date someone else. Make sure that Lady Commitmentphobe is aware that you dated someone else. See if Lady Commitmentphobe shows any signs of regret that you dated someone else. One of two things will happen: she will either suddenly find you more attractive and shed a couple of her inhibitions about dating you or she'll disappear into the sunset. But by then you won't care because you just found out that you enjoyed dating Princiess Peckerlicker.

You win either way, young grasshopper.

Unless, of course, you don't really want to win.

 

[FurryFury]

People are Commitment Phobes for one of two reasons. 1.) They are male. 2.) They have serious issues from which you can't rescue them or wheedle them.

 

[midwestyankee]

People are Commitment Phobes for one of two reasons. 1.) They are male. 2.) They have serious issues from which you can't rescue them or wheedle them.

For wha it's worth, some commitment phobes are attracted to commitment phobic partners because then they can blame the other commitment phobe's problems for the lack of commitment in the relationship.

In other words, we always get what we seek in a relationship, but it's not always completely obvious to us what it is we're seeking.

 

[FurryFury]

For wha it's worth, some commitment phobes are attracted to commitment phobic partners because then they can blame the other commitment phobe's problems for the lack of commitment in the relationship.

In other words, we always get what we seek in a relationship, but it's not always completely obvious to us what it is we're seeking.

That is sooooo true!

 

[YourCaptor]

Here's an idea: go date someone else. Make sure that Lady Commitmentphobe is aware that you dated someone else. See if Lady Commitmentphobe shows any signs of regret that you dated someone else. One of two things will happen: she will either suddenly find you more attractive and shed a couple of her inhibitions about dating you or she'll disappear into the sunset. But by then you won't care because you just found out that you enjoyed dating Princiess Peckerlicker.

You win either way, young grasshopper.

Unless, of course, you don't really want to win.

I considered the jealousy thing, and decided she would probably just see it as me having found someone better.

I also don't want to play games, i hate that stuff.

However I have been chating up her friend a lot, cause I don't want to spend obsessive amounts of attention on her, and I see her looking.

 

[Kadnil]

My tuppence-worth is short and sweet.

There is nothing you can do help a commitment phobe. Like any phobia, they have to help themselves.

But at 19 I'd say calling herself a commitment phobe is dramatic at best.

 

[midwestyankee]

I considered the jealousy thing, and decided she would probably just see it as me having found someone better.

I also don't want to play games, i hate that stuff.

However I have been chating up her friend a lot, cause I don't want to spend obsessive amounts of attention on her, and I see her looking.

I started to type out a rational response to this but I decided to stop.

I'm convinced that you don't actually want a solution to this problem. If you did, you'd actually have tried something by now that someone had suggested.

Instead, you clearly are getting far more out of the attention from this thread than you ever will from a relationship with this girl.

Time to buy more Vaseline and see if Rosy Palm is free for the weekend.