comments please #3, ... thank you all

[shyly curious]

Words are like ducklings.
Sitting nestled in marsh.
Hidden and quiet,
till you ramble by.

With a big flurry
they burst into air
revealing a scene
that touches the heart.

With flapping wings
they make quite the ruckus.
connecting us all
in glorious light.

The reeds stand tall
yet if you peek
the ducklings are waiting
like words in a marsh.

 

[WickedEve]

I especially like the first two and last two lines. From words like ducklings to ducklings like words--pretty cool.

 

[shyly curious]

Thank you.

I woke this morning with this verse in my head, images and all. It must be a reaction to an e-mail from a friend yesterday.

Turns out this verse resonated with a 3 yr old dream journal entry of hers.

a mighty weird coincidence.

 

[HomerPindar]

Words are like ducklings.
Sitting nestled in a marsh,
hidden and quiet,
until you ramble by.

With a big flurry
they burst into air,
revealing a scene
that touches the heart.

With flapping wings
they make quite the ruckus,
connecting us all
in glorious light.

The reeds stand tall,
yet if you peek
the ducklings are waiting
like words in a marsh.

Some details I would have made different, but overall, I really liked the imagry! reminds me of a number of marshes that I could never get captured in photography ...most of the punctuation isn't noticable even with the changes in bold... or none bold in this case.

So, here is the original:


Words are like ducklings.
Sitting nestled in marsh.
Hidden and quiet,
till you ramble by.

With a big flurry
they burst into air
revealing a scene
that touches the heart.

With flapping wings
they make quite the ruckus.
connecting us all
in glorious light.

The reeds stand tall
yet if you peek
the ducklings are waiting
like words in a marsh.

 

[shyly curious]

Re: Re: comments please #3, ... thank you all

Thanks HP, I'm slowly learning about the value and process of editting.

Happy New Year All

 

[Guest]

I know you asked me to read and comment. I read it right away and thought to myself how much you've improved from our first poetic encounter. I always felt you had the talent and you're proving me right but I doon't feel qualifies to instruct or comment critically. I just know what I like and I like this.

 

[Brinnie]

http://www.w3bdevil.com/forums/Dell-Homo.jpg

 

[Maria2394]

Words are like ducklings.
Sitting nestled in marsh.
Hidden and quiet,
till you ramble by.

With a big flurry
they burst into air
revealing a scene
that touches the heart.

With flapping wings
they make quite the ruckus.
connecting us all
in glorious light.

The reeds stand tall
yet if you peek
the ducklings are waiting
like words in a marsh.

~~~


Words are like ducklings,nestled in marsh.
Hidden and quiet, till you ramble by.

With a grand flurry, they burst into air
revealing a scene that touches the heart.

With flapping wings, they make quite a ruckus.
connecting us all in glorious light.

The reeds stand tall, yet if you peek
the ducklings are waiting, like words in a marsh.

~~

hi SC sorry I didnt see any of your earlier work, but I like this alot. I rearranged the structure a teeny bit ( and gave the word BIG a makeover, its so bland, dont ya think?) so you could see what longer lines can do. This is something that took, is taking, me forever to learn, and i still dont have it pat.
Im with Eve on the first and last lines, they are superb!! goood connections keep up the good work

maria