comments please #2

[shyly curious]

season's stress
and daily life
combine to render
grueling days.

life's purpose
really simple
be kind to others
and yourself.

step back
enjoy the view
relax a moment
sip some tea.

and if it gets tough
then open the locker
pull out the life jacket
and buckle up.

 

[WickedEve]

and if it gets tough
then open the locker
pull out the life jacket
and buckle up.

Nice poem.

 

[shyly curious]

Re: Re: comments please #2

Nice poem.

What, ??? you offer no edits ... I'm crushed.

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Re: Re: comments please #2

What, ??? you offer no edits ... I'm crushed.

The last stanza left me smiling too much to edit anything. But I will go back and find something wrong!

 

[HomerPindar]

season's stress
and daily life
combine to render
grueling days.

life's purpose
really simple
be kind to others
and yourself.

step back
enjoy the view
relax a moment
sip some tea.

and if it gets tough
then open the locker
pull out the life jacket
and buckle up.

Italics?

I'm missing some sort of punctuation after "life's purpose," just not sure what. Either that, or break down and use the word "is" maybe?

 

[Daisy May]

Nothing's wrong. You did great
I like it as is.

 

[shyly curious]

Re: Re: Re: Re: comments please #2

The last stanza left me smiling too much to edit anything. But I will go back and find something wrong!

A smile??? you made my night! thank you.

 

[shyly curious]

Re: Re: comments please #2

Italics?

I'm missing some sort of punctuation after "life's purpose," just not sure what. Either that, or break down and use the word "is" maybe?

the italics were from just trying to differentiate the verse from comments.


maybe lifes'

I was going for the possesive, not "life is", bad grammar skills revealed, arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Thanks for the input.

 

[shyly curious]

Nothing's wrong. You did great
I like it as is.

*tears up the first four versions*

Thanks for the input.

 

[shyly curious]

Re: Re: Re: Re: comments please #2

The last stanza left me smiling too much to edit anything. But I will go back and find something wrong!

I saw a post about someone feeling overwhelmed, and I thought of being at sea on a sailboat, ... hence the life jacket. The bouyancy aid we all carry some place in our soul.

 

[The_Fool]

season's stress
and daily life
combine to render
grueling days.

life's purpose
really simple
be kind to others
and yourself.

step back
enjoy the view
relax a moment
sip some tea.

and if it gets tough
then open the locker
pull out the life jacket
and buckle up.

I liked it alot as well.

What would I change?

I would try removing the "ands" that start specific sentences and read it that way. Not saying it is required. Not saying all have to go, just trimming something that is sometimes not necessary.

I would also change the line from "...if it gets tough" to "if it gets too tough."


Minor and Trivial.



Foooooool

 

[shyly curious]

season's stress
plus daily life
combine to render
grueling days.

life's purpose,
really simple.
be kind to others,
as well, yourself.

step back,
enjoy the view.
relax a moment
sip some tea.

should it get tough
then open the locker
pull out the life jacket
and buckle up.


Better? As good? pure junk dropping over the edge?

 

[wildsweetone]

I'm new to this, but I was thinking the line

step back

seemed a little jarring because there is too big a difference in syllables.

*going back into lurking mode lol*

 

[shyly curious]

I'm new to this, but I was thinking the line



seemed a little jarring because there is too big a difference in syllables.

*going back into lurking mode lol*

hmmmm, *mulls options*, Thanks,

 

[OT]

'tis very reasonable as is...

but further food for thought would be to trim a bit more.
(mostly just snipped words and added one word for rhythm)

----
season's stress
daily life
render
grueling days

be kind to others,
as well, yourself.
life's purpose,
really simple.

step back,
relax
enjoy the view.
sip some herbal tea.

should it get tough
then open the locker
pull out the life jacket
and buckle up.