Comments on "The Calling"

[jennah]

Hi all. I'm very, very new here. My first story was posted only yesterday! I'd love some comments from those of you interested in fanstasy. The link is (and i hope it works) http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=257737

Thanks in advance.
Jennah

 

[kbate]

The opening didn't grab me - the line about the supervisor and termination could be chopped, as could the bit about her friends. I felt that you should either keep this in the story - her desire for separation from steel and glass, or simply drop it completely. The passing mention doesn't quite set the reason for her need for escape to nature.

The dialogue was fine, the story idea was fine, and the action was ok. I liked it, but think it could be better if she was a more developed character.

Good first story. Thank you for posting it.