Johndoe7john
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2009
- Posts
- 17
Comments on First story = Incest+ Anal
- Thread starter Johndoe7john
- Start date
geronimo_appleby
always on the move
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2004
- Posts
- 90,768
just my two-pennorth.
the opening doesn't 'hook' the reader.
avoid using the precise 40DD, 5'10".
positives: well constructed. use of grammar and punc. no dramas.
the sex was hot too, although - a tiny point of personal taste - it was a little rich in ajective. you use 'fat arse' a bit.
overall i was impressed. you've posted in a popular category. i hope you get some pos. feedback.
the opening doesn't 'hook' the reader.
avoid using the precise 40DD, 5'10".
positives: well constructed. use of grammar and punc. no dramas.
the sex was hot too, although - a tiny point of personal taste - it was a little rich in ajective. you use 'fat arse' a bit.
overall i was impressed. you've posted in a popular category. i hope you get some pos. feedback.
just my two-pennorth.
the opening doesn't 'hook' the reader.
avoid using the precise 40DD, 5'10".
positives: well constructed. use of grammar and punc. no dramas.
the sex was hot too, although - a tiny point of personal taste - it was a little rich in ajective. you use 'fat arse' a bit.
overall i was impressed. you've posted in a popular category. i hope you get some pos. feedback.
I'll second Geronimo's comments, both positive and negative.
I'll add a thought of my own too. For my tastes, you've missed one of the pivotal points of good incest stories: hesitation.
For the titillation of incest to work its naughty magic, someone in your story -- your narrator, his mother, or his sister, preferably all three -- has to struggle against breaking the taboo. Right now, they're not. Your main character is lusting after his relatives without reservation from the get go.
I'll back-peddle a little and observe that you may have sensed a need for hesitation for a moment, so you gave it a half-hearted nod here:
"Funnily enough, I started to notice how sexy my sister was. "
Centuries, if not millenia, of societies telling us incest is the worst taboo and you reduced it to a, "funnily enough." I think you need a lot more.
As it stands, the fact that these women are your relatives is just another throw-away adjective: she was curvy and jiggly and delicious and... uh... she was my sister too. Yeah, my sister.
Move past the adjectives. Do the work of bullding the characters and family relationships in the story. Then break the taboo. Hotness will ensue.
G'luck,
-PF
Johndoe7john
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2009
- Posts
- 17
Thanks for feedback
Thanks for the feedback. Its so amazing how right you guys are ? I cant belive i did not see it earlier.
Any story suggestions
how i can add any wicked twist the story
Thanks for the feedback. Its so amazing how right you guys are ? I cant belive i did not see it earlier.
Any story suggestions
how i can add any wicked twist the story
Do what I do, read other people's stories until you get to one you kinda like and say, "It would have been way hotter if the author had only..."
Plots are like butterflies. You kinda need to lay real still and let them to come to you. Chasing 'em doesn't work. That's how it goes for me anyway. Bourbon helps the laying real still part.
G'luck
-PF
