Comments & Criticism, Please?

[JeffSandy]

We just posted our first two stories this week, and would greatly appreciate any constructive criticism you can offer:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=111031

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=111490

Thanking you in advance,
Jeff and Sandy

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

Jeff & Sandy....

I went ahead and read through the second story on your post and I must say that it is certainly a step above most of the ones I have seen from the new authors.

You really engaged the reader with all of their five senses and I really enjoyed the fact that I felt as though I was "there".

Equally, I really liked the fact that you chose not to name your characters. The anonimity seems to heighten the sense that the encounter is forbidden.

That said... I had a *few* issues I thought I should bring up.

1. You need to break your thoughts into smaller sized paragraphs. As a rule of thumb, start a new paragraph whenever you are transitioning into a new idea or there is a change in time/space. Not a hard and fast rule, mind you. But it should serve you well if you keep it in mind. The paragraphs I was reading were far too long and were a little convoluted in their subject matter. (eg- starting with one subject and ending with an entirely different one).

2. You need to work on restructuring you sentences so as to avoid the dreaded "passive voice". One or two are fine, but your narrator went into the passive voice really really often and that just makes the story harder to read.

3. It read to me as a little "romance-novel-esque". Very flowery language (and sometimes using an awkward combination of words... thowing a $20 word in the middle of a sentence filled with 5c words). I'm not nescessarily saying that this is bad, I'm just saying that you could polish it up a little more because in some areas it read as maybe two rungs above a harlequin. I think if you work on the passive voice, the over-use of adverbs and the inconsitency of language, you could move into at least Danielle Steele quality romance.

4. I would have liked to see a little more "story". This was like a snapshot and not a fully developed plot. This is a personal preference thing on my part tho. I mean, I have a read lot of humpin' scenes in my life and I really need to feel "compelled" to want to read more about an act which can only vary so much in its mechanics. I think that you could take this snippett and really work it into a better and more intricate story.


Like I said at the opening, you really have some talent to work with I just think it is all in the mechanics at this point. Tighten up you sentence structure, get out of the passive voice, make your language more congruent and imbed this story in a larger more developed plot and you could have a good thing going for you.

Best of luck...

~WOK

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read the first story, about the balloon ride. I wonder why you didn't put in the "Loving Couples" category.

It's very nice. It's an idyllic version of a perfect date, dripping with stock romantic cliches. A lot of stories written by couples seem to be this, and involve champagne, yachts or balloons or perfect cottages on the beach with perfect views of perfect sunsets, popping the question or pulling out a ring, all followed by perfect sex.

I know I shouldn't pick on you. Your hearts are in the right place with this story, and it doesn't pretend to be anything more than what it is. There must be an audience for this kind of thing, but frankly, I find these kind of stories terribly boring and predictable.

Leo Tolstoy said that all happy families are happy in the same way, but each unhappy family has its own kind of unhappiness, and that's why he wrote about the unhappy families. I guess you could say the same things about couples. There's nothing wrong with being a happy couple in a perfect world--it's what we all strive for--but it just doesn't make for very interesting reading.

I have a feeling that this story has a lot of meaning to the two of you and so you wanted to share it, so I hate to come down on it. Also the writing was above average and quite adequate. I think for most readers though, a story needs a little more friction or substance to make it interesting to read. This story is the Literotica equivalent of holding hands and walking on the beach. Speaking personally, but also I think for a lot of readers here, I'd rather be in bed with three women and a tub of vaseline.

---dr.M.

 

[peachykeen]

This story is the Literotica equivalent of holding hands and walking on the beach. Speaking personally, but also I think for a lot of readers here, I'd rather be in bed with three women and a tub of vaseline.

oh phooey Dr M, there are plenty of us who like a good romantic tete a tete as much as a leather mask and a length of garden hose


These stories are lovely, very sweet, and yes as it has already been said, the quality of the writing is high and obviously carefully considered, not just dashed-off in some sort of post-wank frenzy.

Hope to read more from you two in the future.

 

[JeffSandy]

Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement and criticism. As for the mechanics, you're absolutely right. We just didn't realize how much we'd forgotten from English Comp 101; but after all, it has been 35 years.

Regarding the content, can't disagree there, either. Even as I wrote it, I realized that by changing a few words it could actually be publishable in a ladies' magazine. Before I could write anything racier, I'd have to do some research, as my personal experiences have been rather plain vanilla. (I'm still wondering why three women would need a tub of vaseline?)

Jeff